Friday, February 19, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A doctor is warning that Hillary Clinton may be suffering from post-concussion syndrome. Apparently she may have been hit when one of the pieces of China she was throwing at Bill boomeranged and came back at her.

A doctor is warning that Hillary Clinton may be suffering from post-concussion syndrome. Possibly from banging her head against the wall at the thought of winning the nomination and having to go through one on one debates with Donald Trump.

Pope Francis I says of Donald Trump that it isn’t Christian to want to build walls instead of bridges. To which Trump replied “Just remember I am still your boss.”

A study says that a high sugar diet can be as bad for the brain as abuse. Which makes sense as most kids consider it abuse when their parents make them starve by forgetting to restock their cereal, cookies and soda.

A report says that iPhone sales have fallen for the first time. Mostly because people who are thinking about buying the new iPhone 7 are still trying to figure out what to do with the drawer full of their old iPhones 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6.

Porn actors in California are protesting a vote requiring them to wear condoms and eye wear. Eyewear? If there is a problem with eye safety during adult film making, the actors are going to have to try doing something about having better aim.

Porn actors in California are protesting a vote requiring them to wear condoms and eye wear. Eyewear? There hasn’t been a problem like that with aim during sex since Bill Clinton’s affair with Monica.

A report says that China has a secret “monster fight club” where combatants meet in a cage with no rules. Apparently it is almost as dangerous and tough to get out of alive as working at the Foxconn factory.

A study says that Hawaii leads the nation in adults getting enough sleep. Possibly because most people there figure who wants to sleep when you can be outside doing something in Hawaii.

A study says that Hawaii leads the nation in adults getting enough sleep. Possibly because of the eight jobs everyone there needs to work to make enough money to live in Hawaii.

A Texas couple is being accused of waterboarding a 13 year old boy. Although that will probably be the last time the child is going to be late delivering the afternoon paper to the George W. Bush house.

A Russian man called the “fat Leonardo DiCaprio” is trying to lose weight to capitalize on his resemblance to the actor. Although people should beware it might not be the real DiCaprio if they go see a version of “The Revenant” that had to be filmed on IMAX.

Venezuelans are facing a 6,000% hike in the price of gasoline. No one had any idea that the oil companies there were taken over by CEO Martin Shkreli.

Venezuelans are facing a 6,000% hike in the price of gasoline. To which oil executives around the rest of the world are saying “You can do that?”

Researchers at Iowa State University are paying students to eat genetically modified bananas. Which really isn’t necessary since they are college students and would jump at the chance to eat couch pizza if it were free.

Some analysts are saying it may be time to ditch the stock market as a leading economic indicator. Mostly because some people are too poor to make any investments in stocks. Like the ones who used to have money but lost it all in the crash of 2007.

A report says that Parmesan cheese may contain some wood pulp. The first sign is when you sit down to a plate of spaghetti and find out it has termites.

The IRS says that electronic tax scams have surged 400%. Mostly from hackers having to work harder to steal tax returns since everyone’s income dropped by 400%.

A McDonald’s survey of franchise owners says they have a pessimistic view of the chain. They feel if expanding the breakfast hours to where people can have a McGriddle appetizer before their lunch and dinner Big Mac doesn’t pick up business, nothing will.

Donald Trump says a Wall Street Journal poll that shows him behind Ted Cruz is a “hit” by paper owner Rupert Murdoch. Which has shocked conservatives who say it is bad enough to argue with the Pope, but it’s too much to go even higher up to pick a fight.

A report says that Hawaiian Airlines led all others for on-time performance in December at 93%. United came in at 77.9%, although some of the flights they included for December were those that originally took off in December of 2011.

Toyota has recalled 2.9 Million SUVs for defective seat belts. To which GM is saying the year is young and they still have plenty of time to catch up.

A couple was caught trying to smuggle in $5 Million in counterfeit currency from South Korea into the Detroit Metropolitan Airport. Apparently they were planning on using it to pay the airline fees and cost of meals and drinks on an international flight.

A report says the lack of paid sick days is the worst for Hispanics and low wage workers. Which is no big deal since it’s easier to just go to work than take the time to call in sick for all three jobs they are working to make ends meet.

A report says the lack of paid sick days is the worst for Hispanics and low wage workers. Mostly because the only workers who really need paid sick days are the ones who make enough to be able to afford to play golf when they call in sick on a nice day.

A study by the CDC says that one in three Americans is not getting enough sleep on a regular basis. The other two apparently tried to actually read the study all the way through.

An 18 year old Florida man who was arrested for posing as a doctor says he never actually claimed to be an M.D. Which is amazing what people will believe when you just put on a pair of glasses, a white coat and hang a stethoscope around your neck.

An 18 year old Florida man who was arrested for posing as a doctor says he never actually claimed to be an M.D. Although his patients were happy just with the fact that they could get in to see him without sitting in the waiting room for three hours.

An 18 year old Florida man who was arrested for posing as a doctor says he never actually claimed to be an M.D. Although the first clue for his patients should have been when he reached for his medical bag that was made by Hasbro.

A group of doctors says that e-cigarettes should be the last resort for people who want to quit smoking. They recommend the more traditional methods first of cold turkey, nicotine patches and switching over to heroin.

A study says that testosterone therapy may boost the sex drive in older men. Apparently the study found a direct correlation between the number of men using the therapy and the increase of complaints from younger women on Match.com, eHarmony and Tinder.

A Massachusetts jury ruled that doctors were not negligent in the death of a patient who was given a kidney transplant from a deceased homeless man. Because who would have thought anything could have gone wrong with that idea?

A study says that married people tend to get more sleep than others. Mostly because after marriage, people don’t waste time staying up as late for reasons like having sex.

A study says there is a possible link between antibiotics and delirium. Mostly people who think they may be hallucinating when they get their monthly prescription bill.

A report says that half the people on the planet will be nearsighted by 2050. Which is no big deal as most people anymore don’t need to be able to see anything farther away than the two feet of distance between them and their cellphone screen.

A Brazilian woman had surgery that reportedly left her with a case of kleptomania. Mostly so she could steal enough to pay for her hospital bill.

Model Chrissy Teigen says she underwent In Vitro Fertilization during her Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue shoot. Which is ironic in that the swimsuit issue is the most requested by men when they go to a sperm bank to become donors.

Gwen Stefani says she has only had two boyfriends in her entire life. Which is exactly the same thing Kim Kardashian said. When she was five.

The sequel to the 1982 movie “Blade Runner” is set to come out in January of 2018. It will again star Harrison Ford who will reprise his role chasing down futuristic robots. Which is a bit of a stretch for someone his age who thinks he has gone high tech after finally going from VHS to DVD.

18 year old Kylie Jenner has signed a seven figure contract with Puma. Which is fine for now since she has 22 more years before she goes from representing Puma to being considered a Cougar.

William H. Tankersley, former watchdog for CBS taste standards in the 1960s has died at age 98. To which most CBS viewers say it is always sad to see someone die so young.

William H. Tankersley, former watchdog for CBS taste standards in the 1960s has died at age 98. To which people who remember CBS in the 1960s for “The Beverly Hillbillies,” Petticoat Junction” and “Green Acres” are saying “What taste?”

NASA says it is working on a telescope with a wider eye than the Hubble. Apparently it will be used to try to find where any of NASA’s rocket launches actually end up.

A poll says the American public is split when it comes to terrorism and privacy. Mostly because they feel terrorized by the CIA and FBI who have completely taken any sense of privacy they used to have.

Microsoft’s Bing has chosen Leonardo DiCaprio and “The Revenant” as winners for this year’s Oscars. The worst odds for the evening will be anyone from Hollywood saying something positive about Donald Trump, Ted Cruz or Marco Rubio.

A policy group says the world economy will grow more slowly this year than expected. Mostly because in every year since 2007 everyone has just been crossing their fingers that the entire global economy doesn’t implode.

Israeli scientists are eyeing a $20 Million prize for landing an unmanned probe on the Moon by 2017. Which would be great if it weren’t for the fact that sending an unmanned probe to the Moon costs about $40 Billion.

Archaeologists have discovered a 7,000 year old settlement in the Jerusalem area. Which was pretty big news until they realized the 7,000 year old settlement they found in the Jerusalem area was Jerusalem.

Joe Biden says he has “no desire” to sit on the Supreme Court. Although Republicans hope President Obama nominates him just for the fact that Biden’s opening statement at his Senate confirmation would outlast Obama’s time in office.

A Bernie Sanders dating site to match up supporters has launched. Which is different than most political dating sites that instead try to find a love connection between the more natural fit of politicians and their lobbyists.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It is Friday, which I am sure all of you are completely aware of. In my case it happens to be payday and we are seeing a nice warm up locally to go along with it. Of course, my payday from this site is still non-existent. I do this out of love and a tremendous amount of spare time on my hands. But there is still no better feeling in lieu of some future pay check from this than when you all take the time to remember to make sure to always send the love!

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