Thursday, February 18, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Pope Francis I reportedly yelled at a crowd in Mexico when people pulled him and he fell onto a disabled man. That’s a pretty serious threat when the Pope says he is going to report everyone to his boss.

Apple has been ordered by a court at the request of the FBI to break into the iPhone of the San Bernardino shooters. Why is it the FBI can’t get simple text messages out of a phone but hackers can access every naked celebrity selfie in existence?

A Florida teenager has been arrested for posing as a doctor and opening his own medical practice. Suspicions were raised when he drew attention to himself by actually taking patients who had no health insurance coverage.

A Florida teenager has been arrested for posing as a doctor and opening his own medical practice. He was found out when authorities discovered he was the one doctor in the state who didn’t have an account to write prescriptions for Rush Limbaugh.

Researchers at Georgia Institute of Technology have developed a learning system that teaches robots to not kill by using fairy tales. The only problem is that eliminated most of the classics like “Jack and the Bean Stalk,” Sleeping Beauty” and “Hansel and Gretal.”

Researchers at Georgia Institute of Technology have developed a learning system that teaches robots to not kill by using fairy tales. Which means things may have been a lot different if only O.J. Simpson’s parents had read him from “The Brothers Grimm” instead of “True Detective” when he was a child.

The Associated Press is going to launch a Virtual Reality news channel. To which Fox News says that is nothing new, they have been airing political news reports for years that are based on what is virtually real.

Kanye West tweeted that his number one enemy is his ego. Although the millions of people who actually spent money on any of his albums or on his clothing line have to be coming in a close second.

An exorcist says that beautiful women are more likely to be possessed by evil demons. Which is hard to argue after looking at Paula Abdul, Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan.

A Japanese robot reportedly can call the stock market better than humans. Which isn’t hard to do since nobody was even close to predicting the crash we went through in 2007.

A Japanese robot reportedly can call the stock market better than humans. Although that isn’t that difficult since all the robot does is tell people to “sell everything!”

A study says that mammals with the largest brains are smarter but have a better chance at going extinct. Which isn’t hard to believe and just makes researchers wonder how humans haven’t made it this far without wiping out the entire species.

NOAA says that 2016 started off with the warmest January in history. What makes it even worse is when January temperatures in the U.S. are warmer than they are in Australia.

A report says residents in Flint, Michigan were paying the highest water rates in the country. Which makes it even worse when people know that it used to be more expensive when asking for “unleaded.”

A civil rights group says that hate groups and anti-government militias increased in 2015. If they think that was a lot, just wait until this summer when they hold the Republican National Convention.

South Koreans are being told not to eat at North Korean restaurants around the world. Apparently the North Korean style is not as well regulated and some of the dishes actually contain dogs that were not registered by the AKC.

South Koreans are being told not to eat at North Korean restaurants around the world. Mostly because the corporate song they sing to customers celebrating birthdays is always “The Ballad of Kim Jong-un.”

The FDA says that some Parmesan cheese may contain wood pulp. The way to tell is when your waiter instead of telling you to “say when” yells “Timber!”

A study says that smoking pot doesn’t make people anxious or depressed. Mostly because it used to cause anxiety and depression back when it was illegal and people always had to worry about the DEA busting in and harshing their mellow.

A crowdfunding effort to raise money to offset Kanye West’s $53 Million debt raised a meager $289. Which at least was able to cover the cost of doing Kim Kardashian’s left eyelashes before going out for lunch.

Texas Congressman Joe Barton says now that the U.S. is exporting oil, “OPEC is dead.” Which when all the oil companies go belly up from $30 a barrel oil that will finally work out to be a real win-win situation.

Texas Congressman Joe Barton says now that the U.S. is exporting oil, “OPEC is dead.” In fact, to most people OPEC now means “Oil Prices in an Endless Crash.”

McDonald’s has started selling beer in its restaurants in South Korea. The only question is whether a Pilsner or a lager goes better with an order of fried Lhasa Apso.

McDonald’s has started selling beer in its restaurants in South Korea. One of the favorite picks is to have a Samuel Adams to go along with a Jack Russell.

United Airlines mechanics have rejected a contract offer and voted to strike. Airline industry experts were surprised. United actually uses mechanics?

A study says that people who smoke pot are at a greater risk for other addictions. Mostly getting hooked on Oreos, Doritos and pizza.

A study says that foods high in cholesterol don’t increase the risk of heart disease. Especially for people who are already there because they smoke cigarettes, drink too much alcohol and are morbidly obese.

A study says that social groups may lengthen the lives of retirees. Except for people retired from government jobs who feel that sitting around doing nothing while talking to their friends feels like they are still at work.

Nerf has unveiled a new gun that shoots projectiles at 68 MPH. Until now an arsenal that fired projectiles at 68 MPH was known as the Detroit Tigers pitching staff.

Kim Kardashian explains on an app how she tapes her breasts for red carpet events. To which people are now asking her to find a way to go natural on the red carpet and instead use the tape on Kanye West’s mouth.

Britney Spears says she is looking to date a “hot nerd.” Which is defined as a man who is not particularly attractive, has no sense of fashion and is socially awkward but is the CEO of a billion dollar tech empire.

An Iranian heavy metal band is reportedly facing the death penalty for playing their music. The only way to die any younger in the music business would be for them to move to the U.S. and get a rap recording contract.

Vanessa Hudgens is being investigated for defacing protected rocks in Arizona with the names of her and her boyfriend. Which is different from all the other Arizona residents who are getting their names carved into stone, but just while they are also out shopping around for a cemetery plot.

Vanessa Hudgens is being investigated for defacing protected rocks in Arizona with the names of her and her boyfriend. They would have just carved their initials into a tree like everyone else but just happened to pick the one state where the only vegetation is tumble weeds.

A&E has canceled the show “Unforgettable” after its fourth season. Apparently the viewers couldn’t remember what day and time it was scheduled to air.

A report says that Los Angeles is likely to host the 2018 NBA All-Star Game. Apparently the league likes the choice as there won’t be the conflict of the host team actually having any players taking part in the game.

Google has reportedly applied for a patent for technology that would allow people to vote online. Although it will be a little strange to have people voting who only know how to pick something online using a “like” button.

The largest diamond ever found in Angola is a whopping 404 carats and is valued at $20 Million. Which increases the net worth of Angola all the way to $20 Million.

The largest diamond ever found in Angola is a whopping 404 carats and is valued at $20 Million. The only question is whether it will end up around the neck of Rihanna, the finger of Kim Kardashian or in the teeth of Snoop Dogg.

A European car company has unveiled a hydrogen fuel cell powered car with a 300 mile range and 18 moving parts. Until now a car that would go only 300 miles and had 18 parts that actually moved was called a Chrysler.

Aston Martin is teaming up with a Chinese firm to codevelop an electric car. Apparently it will be used in the upcoming spy movie series featuring secret agent James Wong.

The Earth has had its 9th straight monthly heat record. The worst part is that the temperatures in January are now coming ahead of the ones that used to be set in July.

Domino’s tech chief has won the retail CIO of the year award. Apparently he was given the prize because after it was announced he was able to pick it up in less than 30 minutes.

10,000 sharks have been photographed swimming off the coast of Florida. So far it has scared away everyone from the beaches except the lawyers who know they won’t be bothered out of professional courtesy.

A “Facebook primary” says the most popular presidential candidate based on likes is Ben Carson. He reportedly finished ahead of Donald Trump, Ted Cruz, a cat walking across a piano and a hamster eating a cracker.

An amateur archaeologist has discovered a lost Spanish settlement in the Florida Panhandle. It was the biggest Spanish settlement ever found in Florida other than Florida.

A website is urging Americans to move to Canada if Donald Trump becomes President. Which would be a good idea until Trump has an argument with Prime Minister Trudeau and orders Toronto to be nuked.

A website is urging Americans to move to Canada if Donald Trump becomes President. The only problem is that if Trump wins, Ted Cruz may decide to try to move back to where he was born and see if he can win the top job there.

A website is urging Americans to move to Canada if Donald Trump becomes President. Which would be a good idea to be living in a cooler climate to offset the inevitable rise in temperature from the ensuing thermonuclear world war.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, the good news is that pitchers and catchers have reported. That means Spring Training is right around the corner, followed by Opening Day and the hopeful fast elimination of the San Francisco Giants. All of those are included in my highlights of the entire year. I think more than a few of us are not sad to see winter leaving. At least those of us who are getting older and find anything under 70 degrees too cold to leave the comfort of the heated blanket on the couch. What’s even better is that when your fingers finally thaw out from the winter cold it is so much easier to sit down at the keyboard of your computer and make sure to remember to send the love!

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