Wednesday, February 17, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

FCC Commissioner Ajit Pai says the U.S. tradition of free speech is slipping away. It’s just too bad he doesn’t sit on some sort of committee which has the power to actually control what goes over the nation’s airwaves.

FCC Commissioner Ajit Pai says the U.S. tradition of free speech is slipping away. Which is an interesting complaint considering the FCC still hasn’t made a final decision on the Super Bowl Janet Jackson wardrobe malfunction back in 2004.

FCC Commissioner Ajit Pai says the U.S. tradition of free speech is slipping away. If that was true, would Jerry Springer still be on the air?

A report says that the job market for African-Americans is still tough. At least it shows that as far as employment goes, we have achieved racial equality in this country.

Former Treasury Secretary Larry Summers says it is time to get rid of the $100 bill, saying it would make life tougher for criminals. Except for the fact that most big criminals do all their dealings through stocks, bonds and commodities.

Former Treasury Secretary Larry Summers says it is time to get rid of the $100 bill, saying it would make life tougher for criminals. Mostly because honest people who just work for a living are never the ones who actually have $100 in cash on hand.

Former Treasury Secretary Larry Summers says it is time to get rid of the $100 bill, saying it would make life tougher for criminals. The only problem will be for Wall Street bankers to determine which denomination would be better to light their Cuban cigars.

A study says that a quarter of the men older than 85 had sex last year. Which is good news to see that the elderly have embraced the new technology and have learned how to get on Myspace.

A study says that a quarter of the men older than 85 had sex last year. The other three quarters finally got to the point where they were aroused enough but it was for a date that happened in 2012.

A poll says that 32% of Americans had never heard of Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia. The other 68% just knew him as Clarence Thomas’ boss.

A poll says that 32% of Americans had never heard of Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia. The other 68% just knew him as the guy who made it so it wasn’t necessary for them to actually cast a vote for President anymore.

A group is pushing IBM supercomputer Watson to run for President in 2020. It wouldn’t be the first time a robot has run for the nation’s highest office. In fact, back in 2000 Al Gore just barely lost.

Gulfstream says high demand has made a two year wait for its top of the line $65 Million private jet. To which most of their wealthy customers are saying if they wanted to wait two years to fly somewhere they would have just booked a flight with United.

Former U.N. Secretary General Boutros Boutros-Ghali has died at age 93. He reportedly passed away from natural-natural causes-causes.

Former U.N. Secretary General Boutros Boutros-Ghali has died at age 93. He reportedly passed away at a hospital in Giza. Although anyone making it to age 93 was already pretty much a “Giza.”

A Wall Street Journal report says that Millennials don’t identify with either Democrats or Republicans. Which is not that big of a deal because it will be impossible to pry any of them away from their cellphones long enough to actually vote in November anyway.

Bernie Madoff says he can’t stand the way he was depicted in an ABC miniseries, saying much of it was “absurd” and “fiction.” Which is nice to see that a man who is sitting in prison for stealing $20 Billion and ruining thousands of lives finally develops an interest in becoming honest and truthful.

The board game “Monopoly” is trading in its colorful currency for bank cards. Apparently they want to make it more realistic and have players with no cash who amass a huge credit card debt and win when they default on all their loans.

United and American Airlines are applying to schedule flights between the U.S. and Cuba. To which most Cubans after seeing the airlines’ customer service ratings are saying, “No thanks, we’ll just take the raft.”

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell was given a pay cut of $1 Million to $34 Million for last year. Which shows that league executives and not just the players have been suffering from severe head injuries.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell was given a pay cut of $1 Million to $34 Million for last year. Apparently the league felt that his mishandling of domestic violence, Deflategate and PED use was offset by whatever it was he may have done right.

A study says that moral symbols at work can ward off an evil boss. Although if you carry a cross into the office and it causes your immediate supervisor’s head to spin on their neck while they vomit green slime, it may be time to start looking for a new line of work.

A study says that moral symbols at work can ward off an evil boss. To which management should really reconsider their style when their employees all keep coming in to work wearing a string of garlic around their necks.

A study says that college students are misusing ADHD medications as study aids. Their parents are concerned, wondering what happened to the old days when everyone during finals just drank gallons of coffee to wash down all the amphetamines.

Buyers of a weight loss book written by an imprisoned former TV pitchman will be given refunds. Apparently the author just told readers to commit crimes like he did, get sentenced to prison and the jail stripes make it look like you lost a quick 20 pounds.

A Senate committee is mulling a bill to allow treating PTSD with marijuana. Which is ironic for people who lived through the 1960s when the biggest trauma in anyone’s life was getting busted for possession of pot.

Dolph Lundgren is set to star in “Kindergarten Cop 2.” The original film with Arnold Schwarzenegger came out 25 years ago, which means the kids who starred in it are just now getting out of therapy for what the movie did to their Hollywood careers.

Ainsley Earhardt has been named as the new host on Fox News’ “Fox and Friends,” replacing Elisabeth Hasselbeck. Apparently it was a tough competition, with the other 75 anchors with blond hair in short skirts already at Fox hoping to get the final promotion.

Paul McCartney was reportedly turned away twice from a Grammys after-party hosted by rapper Tyga. Apparently the bouncers at the door mistakenly thought the 73 year old rocker said he was invited to a party for “Granny.”

A report says that Kim Kardashian “can’t stand” husband Kanye West’s Twitter rants, saying she doesn’t approve of the drama. Who would have thought in their wildest dreams that marrying Kanye West would result in any drama?

A report says that Kim Kardashian “can’t stand” husband Kanye West’s Twitter rants, saying she doesn’t approve of the drama. Apparently it is getting in the way of the drama generated by Kris Jenner, Caitlyn Jenner, the reality TV show, constant stream of selfies, sex tape...

Former “Kardashians” cast member Scott Disick says he will appear on “Dancing With The Stars” for a $500,000 fee. The only problem will be learning to dance and convincing anyone he is actually a star.

UFC fighter Ronda Rousey says she considered suicide after losing her match to Holly Holm. If she watched a replay of the fight she would realize she could have done it by staying in the ring a couple of more minutes.

The NBA says it will start considering jumping on another player’s back a flagrant foul. Unless it’s Tim Duncan jumping on one of his teammates’ backs so he can make it back down to the other end of the court.

The Arizona Cardinals have signed an Aussie Rules football player. Not because of his abilities, but because only someone who has made it through the Outback can ever really become acclimated to living in Phoneix.

Major League Baseball is reportedly working on ideas to attract kids to play baseball again. The only problem is coming up with a way to let them play the game while never having to actually put down the cellphone that is always in their hands.

Major League Baseball is reportedly working on ideas to attract kids to play baseball again. Which includes several Playstation consoles in the dugout so that kids can play a baseball video game while they are on the bench waiting to actually get into the game.

Jeb Bush tweeted a picture of a gun with his name engraved on it. What the picture didn’t show is all the bullets in the gun were engraved with Trump’s name.

A study says that Craigslist fails to flag most scam rental ads. Mostly because if anyone really is looking for scam rental ads they will go over to Airbnb.

A study says that Craigslist fails to flag most scam rental ads. Which is a letdown for Craigslist customers who thought the only scam ads they carried were for jewelry, electronics and personals.

Researchers at the Georgia Institute of Technology are teaching robots to be good citizens by reading them kids stories. The only problem is finding any of their students who can actually read to the robots at a first grade level.

Researchers at the Georgia Institute of Technology are teaching robots to be good citizens by reading them kids stories. Although it’s a little unnerving when the robots keep asking to read to them again the part where the mechanical invaders shoot the humans down with their lasers.

Mattel has reinvented its 1960s “ThingMaker” into a $300 3D printer. The good news is that the older model Barbie dolls who want to be like Cher can avoid costly surgery and just print themselves out some new body parts.

A report says the U.S. had a cyberattack plan for Iran in case nuclear program talks broke down leading to a military conflict. Apparently the plan consisted of sending porn site based viruses to all three of Iran’s working desktop computers.

Wildlife officials in California say that cougars there have developed a taste for domesticated dogs and cats. Which means if people there love their pets, they will stop trolling online dating sites for single women over 40.

A report says the NSA gets less web data from Americans than was believed. Mostly because all they have figured out how to do so far is get some recipes, selfies and workplace rants off of random Facebook accounts.

Chris Christie called for an end to partisan politics during his state budget address. Which he showed he is willing to do himself when he singlehandedly ended the presidential campaign of fellow Republican Marco Rubio.

Donald Trump gave a talk where he called himself a “commonsense conservative.” Which is ironic in that most conservatives use that term to indicate why they don’t support Donald Trump.

Chris Christie says his focus is now back on New Jersey, and that running for President has made him a better governor. Which most of his constituents agree with, mostly because it kept him away from New Jersey for the past nine months.

Bill Clinton called Hillary a “changemaker.” Which is different than what he usually says to women, which is “shake your moneymaker.”

Bill Clinton called Hillary a “changemaker.” Mostly because he keeps asking her for spare change for the parking meter when he goes out to the strip clubs.

President Obama dumped on Donald Trump, saying that being President is not like hosting a reality TV show. Mostly because there is nothing remotely close to reality in having to try to work with Congress every day.

The South Dakota Senate has approved a measure that would allow students to use school bathrooms based on their “chromosomes” and “anatomy.” The only problem is that the people pushing the bill are the ones that banned chromosomes and anatomy being taught about in public schools.

A poll says barely half the voters in the U.S. think their own members of Congress should be reelected. The only problem is that number doesn’t include the 3% of the people who actually still vote.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Once again, I am going to start asking you all to help me with the push to increase my readership here. It seems that things have stagnated over the past ten years or so, which means I need you to start telling other people about the site and how great the jokes are. So what’s a small lie between friends? This way we can get back on track for my ultimate goal of 7 Billion daily readers. Which is still a little short sighted considering by the time we get there the Earth’s population could be well over 8 Billion. So anything you can do to spread the word will be appreciated. In the meantime, I will still be thankful to all of you who still take the time to remember to send the love!

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