Tuesday, February 16, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A report says that Saudi Arabia has launched a massive military exercise along with soldiers from 20 other countries. Which seems unnecessary now that there is no risk of anyone invading them since the price of oil crashed to $30 a barrel.

Wake Forest University researchers have developed a 3D bioprinter that can make living body parts. In a related story, the school has decided to award an honorary degree this year to Cher.

Kanye West says he is $53 Million in debt. Mostly from buying $53 Million worth of picture frames for all the pictures of himself he gave to Kim Kardashian for Valentine’s Day.

Kanye West is asking Mark Zuckerberg to give him $1 Billion for his projects, calling himself “this generation’s Disney.” Which could be true since anyone making that request is living in Fantasyland.

The Dutch have opened their first “poop bank” to treat people with chronic gut infections. As opposed to what Americans call a poop bank when they see the amount of interest they earned last year on their savings account.

A study says that artificial light can be responsible for weight gain and cancer. Especially when the light is coming from the bulb in the refrigerator door that is being opened every five minutes.

A poll says that Americans are less likely to see the U.S. as having the best military in the world. Which is no big deal because with our debt, unemployment and economy who thinks it would be worth invading us anymore?

Scientists claim that sex may ward off dementia in older men. Mostly because as men get older they are much more likely to want to actually remember the name and phone number of any women who will still sleep with them.

Donald Trump says politicians are the most dishonest people he has ever met. And this is coming from a man who used to own a beauty pageant with contestants who claimed their looks were all natural.

Donald Trump says politicians are the most dishonest people he has ever met. And this is coming from a man who used to regularly sit down for contract negotiations with television network executives when he was on “The Apprentice.”

A Canadian hairdresser will travel 930 miles to serve the 800 people in an isolated town. The good news is that it will only be for the six weeks out of the year the people can go around without covering their heads with a scarf, hood and fur hat.

A Canadian hairdresser will travel 930 miles to serve the 800 people in an isolated town. Apparently it is the only hairdresser who didn’t mind 800 requests for “the Justin Bieber.”

A survey says that 1 in 5 Americans lie to their significant other about their finances. The other four are still asking “What are finances?”

A survey says that 1 in 5 Americans lie to their significant other about their finances. The most common fib was about how much money they collected in their tin cup asking for spare change by the freeway onramp.

George W. Bush is hitting the campaign trail making appearances for his brother. Apparently his message is that there is no way that Jeb could actually be any worse.

A Disney cruise ship picked up 12 Cuban immigrants on a “rustic vessel” in the Caribbean. The sad news is they all dove overboard and decided to swim for it after their quarters were piped in an endless loop of “It’s A Small World.”

Conspiracy theories have already been circulating concerning the death of Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia. So far authorities have narrowed down the list of potential suspects to the 50 Million people who voted for Al Gore.

Conspiracy theories have already been circulating concerning the death of Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia. Apparently whomever wanted him dead used the strategy of just letting him live until he was 79 years old.

A report says that 2015 was one of the safest years ever for flying, with one crash for every 3.1 Million flights. Which is the exact same ratio as the number of flights on United Airlines actually taking off as scheduled.

Comcast had a major service interruption on Monday. Or as that is known to their cable customers, “Monday.”

A report says the death of the 500 Euro bill which is worth about $557 dollars may be close at hand, mostly because they are closely tied to criminal activity. Especially when used by anyone in Greece who is immediately suspected when having $557.

A new pharmacy in San Jose, California is handing out free medication. Mostly anti-anxiety pills for any pharmaceutical executives who see prescription drugs given out for less than a 5,000% markup.

A study says that pregnant women who eat too much fish can raise the risk of having an obese child. Which is pretty much evident when the child’s nickname becomes “Orca.”

A study says the human body is home to around 40 Trillion microbes. Although that number may be significantly lower for anyone who hasn’t dated Paris Hilton.

A study says the human body is home to around 40 Trillion microbes. Apparently that might have something to do with the research being done in France.

A study says the human brain is attracted to things it once considered pleasing even if they no longer are. Which explains why obese people are still eating most of their meals at McDonald’s, Burger King and Taco Bell.

A study says that popular heartburn drugs may be linked to dementia. Mostly for the people who take them constantly because they keep forgetting what happens after they eat at Taco Bell.

A study says that obese people see distances as farther than they actually are. Although it really doesn’t become a problem until they underestimate how far away the objects are that are orbiting them.

A study says that obese people see distances as farther than they actually are. Mostly because the only mirrors they can use are the ones that say “objects may seem closer than they appear.”

A study says that obese people see distances as farther than they actually are. You know it’s time to lose some weight when the fat around your eyeballs is squeezing your eyes to the point where they can’t see right.

Researchers say that people’s facial expressions are contagious in a fraction of a second. Which explains why everyone is always sneering and baring their teeth at a Donald Trump speech.

Kanye West says that white publications shouldn’t comment on black music. Although the only place you will find most rap musicians being written about in traditional publications are in the police blotter.

British actor Stephen Fry has quit Twitter, saying it is a “stagnant pool” that is a “stalking ground for the sanctimoniously self-righteous.” Apparently he also quit because he couldn’t fit any of his pretentious vocabulary into a 140 character format.

Former “Bachelor” star Chris Soules says he wonders sometimes if he was meant to be single. Apparently it’s tough to be in a relationship where both people are both so in love with him.

“Star Wars: Episode VIII” has reportedly started filming with a projected release date of December, 2017. Which means be prepared to see several tent cities springing up around movie theaters full of geeks with 22 months of supplies staking out their place in line for tickets.

An investigation by The New Yorker magazine says that gossip site TMZ is run like an intelligence agency. Which means all the celebrities would have to do is act like terrorists and they would also never be caught in the act.

Donald Trump says he enjoys seeing impressions of himself. Mostly so he can congratulate himself on being the best at that, too.

Donald Trump says he enjoys seeing impressions of himself. Mostly for all the people who will then be able to see him nonstop even while in the process of going through all the channels.

The Kalamazoo Growlers minor league baseball team will wear team jerseys that will be made out of emojis. Which would be good for the Cubs to copy, especially for all their fans who relate to the one with the eye roll.

Death Valley is gearing up for a rare wildflower superbloom. Which will last from 7:00 until 7:30 in the morning followed by the sunrise and complete spontaneous combustion.

The Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition will have a Virtual Reality feature. Which for men buying the swimsuit edition, Virtual Reality is the idea that they actually will ever have a chance with any of the models.

Apple is owning up to a bug that causes iPhones to shut down when the time and date is set to January 1, 1970. Mostly because that was before deregulation and all the phones are just behaving like the old days when they were all operated by AT&T.

Scientists have discovered several ancient “lost” roads in Rome with 3D laser scanners. Apparently the roads became lost because even back then none of the men would stop to ask for directions.

Mobile apps have reportedly resulted in an increase in the number of 18-24 year olds dating online. Mostly because that is the age group who can’t date if they are forced to do it by actually talking to another person without using their cellphone.

AT&T says it will be testing a 5G network this year. Which has customers hopeful that means they will someday let them see if their 3G network actually works.

A report says that dating sites are cracking down on people who lie about their age. Which are known to the people using the sites as men.

A report says that dating sites are cracking down on people who lie about their age. Once that is done, they might start looking into the people who lie about their marriage status, income and weight.

Ride sharing site Uber has agreed to pay $28.5 Million on a lawsuit concerning safety claims. Mostly for passengers who try the service only to find out the company is sending out a driver in a Prius.

President Obama is set to make his first trip to Vietnam in May. Which thanks to all those generous deferments handed out in the ‘60s and ‘70s means he still will get there before Mitt Romney, Donald Trump, Bill O’Reilly, Dick Cheney and Rush Limbaugh.

Jimmy Carter won a Grammy for the audio book version of his memoirs. Which is only fitting since he insisted on recording it on the most recent technology he is familiar with which just happens to be the Gramophone.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, I did try to watch the Grammys last night. I am now officially the person who yells at the TV set “that isn’t music!” Getting old can be a terrible thing. Not as terrible as having to listen to some of the performances. What makes me even older is the only acts I enjoyed were the tributes to the people who died last year. Well, I am going to make myself feel better by trying to listen to some music that is really good. The only question is what did I do with my cassette player? While I am looking for where I put my extra phonograph needles, you can help by remembering to make sure to send the love!

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