Sunday, February 14, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia died while on a hunting trip in west Texas. The question immediately was asked what court decisions he might have made that upset Dick Cheney.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell says that following Antonin Scalia’s death, the Senate should wait until the next President is elected to confirm a replacement so the voters have a say in the matter. Which is ironic, considering Scalia authored the court’s decision to put a President in the White House who lost by a half million votes.

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia died while on a hunting trip in west Texas. Funeral arrangements called for him to be shredded and then cremated, just like the way he treated the Constitution.

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia has died in west Texas at age 79. Other members of the court mourned his passing, saying it’s always sad to lose someone who is just getting into the prime of their life.

Austria’s economic minister says the people should have the constitutional right to pay in cash. To which U.S. lobbyists agreed, saying also that any changes to the Constitution should be allowed by paying enough cash.

Austria’s economic minister says the people should have the constitutional right to pay in cash. To which Americans are saying “there are people who still have cash?”

Facebook is moving to eliminate any content by terrorists. Which means removing any pictures of meals that feature someone eating falafels.

Facebook is moving to eliminate any content by terrorists. Hopefully that means an end to the people who keep sending out those annoying and meaningless group messages.

Iran has ruled “decadent” Valentine’s Day celebrations a crime. To which American men who just spent $150 on a dozen roses are saying maybe we have judged the Iranian culture too harshly.

CIA Director John Brennan says that ISIS has the capability to make WMDs. Which may be a tip off that the intelligence community now actually has access to time travel that can take us back to 2001.

CIA Director John Brennan says that ISIS has the capability to make WMDs. To which Colin Powell can be heard whispering to him, “Hey, remember what happened to me last time we said that.”

A conservative writer says that Twitter will try to sway the presidential election. Which would be more believable if it weren’t for the fact that people who use Twitter usually don’t pull themselves away from their cellphone long enough to ever actually vote.

A poll says that Millennials pick socialism over capitalism. Mostly because it’s hard to understand the workings of capitalism when you have never actually had a job that pays more than the minimum wage.

Experts say that Artificial Intelligence will allow people in the future to marry robots. To which conservative and religious leaders are saying that is OK, as long as the robots aren’t gay.

A study says the disparity of the life span between the rich and poor is growing. To which rich people are saying shouldn’t be an issue since who wants to live a long time being poor?

President Obama told Ellen DeGeneres that Washington, D.C. is “depressing.” It must be rough being a middle aged man who is about to be laid off in less than a year getting ready to put two daughters through college and who still can only afford public housing.

A report says investors in the stock market have lost $1.78 Trillion this year. The good news is that at least they can now say they know how it feels to be a member of Congress.

A report says investors in the stock market have lost $1.78 Trillion this year. Which is good news for anyone who was getting nostalgic for the good old days of 2007.

A Massachusetts woman was killed while driving her car by an airborne manhole cover. Officials are treating it as a case of sewer-cide.

A new app turns smartphones into mobile seismometers that can detect earthquakes. The only problem is determining whether there has been a 7.2 magnitude quake or if Kim Kardashian sat down with her cellphone in her back pocket.

A new app turns smartphones into mobile seismometers that can detect earthquakes. Apparently it detects quakes when the cellphone is thrown off the table from violent shaking and then gets squashed when the building’s ceiling falls on it.

Scientists say that half the world’s population suffers from severe water scarcity. To which the people of Flint, Michigan are saying that some people have all the luck.

A high school senior in Utah bought Valentine’s Day flowers for all 834 girls at his school. Apparently he didn’t want anyone to feel left out since he will only be able to marry four or five of them.

A federal probe is being opened against the University of Iowa for not providing equal opportunities for female athletes. To which the school is defending itself saying if anyone is truly interested in opportunity they wouldn’t be going to Iowa in the first place.

A federal probe is being opened against the University of Iowa for not providing equal opportunities for female athletes. The investigation will also see if equality provided for any minorities, just as soon as they can actually find any in Iowa.

A New Jersey congressional delegation is asking President Obama to to support a request for disaster relief. The only problem is that Obama didn’t know if by “disaster” they meant for the January snow storm or the Chris Christie presidential campaign.

A 140 foot high ski jump has been built in Fenway Park in Boston for a competition. Which is only appropriate since the Red Sox last season was reminiscent of the “agony of defeat” skier who was featured in the opening of “Wide World of Sports.”

A teenager accused of hacking into the CIA chief John Brennan’s AOL e-mail account has been arrested. The worst part was when the teenager found out through an e-mail to Brennan’s drinking buddies the passcode for the nuclear football is “12345.”

A teenager accused of hacking into the CIA chief John Brennan’s AOL e-mail account has been arrested. Even Hillary Clinton is saying “AOL account? Hacked by a teenager? Are you serious?”

Apple is hiring engineers to coach Siri to be better at sports. The only problem will be finding any Apple engineers who know something about any other sports besides Quidditch.

Apple is hiring engineers to coach Siri to be better at sports. So far, the only thing that Siri knows about sports is that Naomi Campbell definitely doesn’t throw an iPhone like a girl.

The CEO of Victoria’s Secret Sharon Jester Turney is leaving the company after 16 years. There was no reason given for her resignation because apparently Victoria made her swear not to tell.

A report says the job and income boom in Silicon Valley has created a wealth divide. Which is mostly between everyone else and the $35.7 Billion bank account of Mark Zuckerberg.

Ohio Art has sold its Etch A Sketch to a company in Canada. Mostly because children find that drawing straight lines by turning knobs doesn’t hold their attention like the app that allows them to produce a Rembrandt quality painting on their cellphone.

A study says that baldness is linked to the risk of death from prostate cancer. Mostly from men pulling their hair out when they see their doctor approaching them putting on the latex gloves.

A study says that parents’ criticism is being tied to persistent ADHD in their children. And vice versa.

A study says that women with asthma may have trouble conceiving. Which is just as well because it will lead to real problems in the delivery room when they start gasping for air while yelling “You did this to me!” at their husband.

A study says that weakened knees causes falls for older people. Mostly from finally giving out after all those years of walking into McDonald’s and coming out three or four pounds heavier each time.

A study says the obesity rate in the U.S. reached a record high of 28% in 2015. To which the other 72% are saying that means they will just have to try a little harder in 2016.

Estimates say that Americans spent nearly $20 Billion on Valentine’s Day. Mostly the men who will be giving half of everything they own to their wife when she finds out who they spent all that money on.

Liam Neeson says he was “joking” about dating a “very famous woman.” Which was a relief to all the women who are still holding out the hope of becoming famous for dating Liam Neeson.

Mets relief pitcher Jenrry Mejia has been banned from baseball for failing a third test for PEDs. Apparently team officials became suspicious there was some drug use with anyone who claims his name is actually “Jenrry.”

Wrestler John Cena will drive the pace car at the Daytona 500. The only problem is if he crashes into the wall making the paramedics and safety crews believe it’s not fake.

A report says that putting an iPhone’s time and date setting to January 1, 1970 will disable it. Apparently going back that far means that phones only know how to operate by using the rotary dial attachment.

NASA says that space graffiti has been discovered inside the Apollo 11 command module. The space agency says if it had known it would have become this big of a deal, they would have made Banksy an astronaut years ago.

The NBA has become the first professional sports league to get 1 Billion likes on Facebook. Although it would only have been half that number if they didn’t include those from players’ kids and baby mamas.

British scientists say they have discovered a technique that makes the Internet 50 thousand times faster than the average speed in the UK. Which is really good news for the people there who sign on to Netflix and realize there are more programs to download besides “Downton Abbey” and the other two shows on the BBC.

President Obama has moved to protect 1.8 Million acres of southern California desert. Which in the middle of the drought is otherwise known as southern California.

The U.N. has recognized the oldest surviving copy of the Hebrew Bible. The edition is so old it still has water stains from being left on Noah’s Ark.

The U.N. has recognized the oldest surviving copy of the Hebrew Bible. It was found inside a nightstand in a room at the Motel 6 in Des Moines.

Apple says its most popular emoji is the “eye roll.” Otherwise known as the standard response for any teenagers to a text message sent to them from their parents.

Computer manufacturer CTL says its new Chromebook won’t break under 365 pounds of weight. Which coincidentally happens to be the average weight of most teenagers from using their Chromebook to be on Facebook and Twitter 18 hours a day.

A report says that 74% of Silicon Valley computer and math workers are foreign born. To which the workers who were born, raised and educated in the U.S. are saying, “Wow, that’s almost half!”

Donald Trump says he is running a campaign of “great optimism.” Mostly for the people who are optimistic that Americans still are smart enough to get involved to make sure Donald Trump never makes it to the White House.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The big bombshell news is that Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia has died. He is the one who was behind the decision of the court to get involved in the 2000 election and place George W. Bush in the White House. On one hand, that cost millions of Americans their jobs, homes and life savings because of his policies. On the other hand, those eight years are still delivering plenty of material for a treasure trove of daily jokes. A tradeoff? Probably not. Even his detractors praised him for his intelligence. He must have been pretty smart. After all, he got away with it. Although I’m not so sure he was all that smart. When asked about the decision in Bush v. Gore, the only thing he could say in his defense was “get over it.” Which is exactly the same line used by O.J. Simpson. I rest my case. Other than that, all I have to do is throw myself on the mercy of my readers and hope to hear from all of you when you decide to take the time to send the love!

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