Friday, February 12, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Pope Francis I is sending out “super confessors” to win back people to the Catholic Church by forgiving them of the most serious sins. Which is good to know for the Patriots fans who want to see Bill Belichick and Tom Brady attending church again.

A study says that belief in all knowing, punitive gods may have helped societies grow beyond small close knit groups. Those who didn’t believe in any higher moral authority ended up running Wall Street banks.

A report says that sales of adult diapers could equal those of baby diapers in a decade. Mostly for people who were hoping to retire someday when they take a look a the latest statement from their 401(k).

John Kasich says that Jeb Bush’s negative tone could hurt his family’s name. Apparently he thinks some people might think that is the final straw after the War in Iraq, Katrina, the economic crash, the mortgage crisis...

British authorities say they will charge “Star Wars” producers in connection with an on-set accident that resulted in Harrison Ford breaking his leg. Apparently they are considering it a clear case of elder abuse.

The head of Google in Europe told members of Parliament he has no idea how much money he makes. Apparently he just draws a number between 300 and 500 out of a fish bowl at the end of the year and makes his bonus that many millions of dollars.

The head of Google in Europe told members of Parliament he has no idea how much money he makes. The sad part is that he didn’t even think of trying to look it up on Google.

Puerto Rico is pushing tax incentives for the wealthy in the middle of the economic crisis. Which is no big deal since being considered wealthy in Puerto Rico just requires owning more than two pairs of shoes and at least $30 in your wallet.

A report says that 43% of Americans are still renting. The other 57% are going to start just as soon as the home they are trying to buy goes into foreclosure.

Neanderthal DNA in humans is being linked to depression. Mostly when people look in the mirror and realize they have a protruding forehead, a unibrow and are starting to talk like Sylvester Stallone.

Donald Trump has settled his $500 Million lawsuit with Univision over the Miss USA beauty pageant. Apparently it involves a promise by Trump if he wins the White House to not build a wall around the Univision studios.

Dunkin’ Donuts says it is planning to continue to expand in Europe. It is the biggest expansion associated with the doughnut chain other than the one they created with the American waistline.

“Wealth therapists” are charging $500 an hour to help the top 1% with their money guilt. People were surprised at the news. The wealthy are capable of feeling guilt?

“Wealth therapists” are charging $500 an hour to help the top 1% with their money guilt. Apparently the idea is to replace their guilt with feelings of stupidity for paying someone $500 a hour to tell them they aren’t a bad person.

Time, Inc. is buying what’s left of Myspace.com. Apparently the expense is being written off as research for an article the magazine is doing concerning middle aged pedophiles.

Scientists have announced the discovery of gravity waves, showing Albert Einstein was correct. Although they still aren’t sure if they found gravity waves or if it was just Chris Christie jumping up and down in anger after dropping out of the presidential race.

Scientists have announced the discovery of gravity waves, showing Albert Einstein was correct. The official statement from researchers was “Nice going, Einstein.”

A survey says that most people think men and women are paid equally. Which is the good news in the new economy when everybody makes exactly the same minimum wage.

Citigroup’s William Lee says fears of another recession are “ridiculous.” His feeling is that we can’t have another recession until we are done climbing out of this one.

A poll says that Americans rate the economy as the nation’s most important problem. Except for the people who watch Fox News who think the biggest issues are Hillary Clinton’s e-mails, Benghazi and Bernie Sanders’ socialism.

Researchers have developed a new diagnostic tool that “smells” prostate cancer. The bad news is that sounds pretty similar to the old way they used to do that test.

The world’s longest surviving heart transplant patient has died, 33 years after the surgery. The sad news is that he was just getting close to finalizing a deal with his insurance company as to how much of the claim they would cover.

The world’s longest surviving heart transplant patient has died, 33 years after the surgery. Doctors knew he would make it a long time after his heart was able to withstand the initial shock when he was given his hospital bill.

The U.S. Olympic Committee says it will bring two infectious disease specialists to Rio because of the Zika outbreak. That is in addition to the three other infectious disease specialists they already have for when the basketball team goes out on the town.

3D printers are being used to give plastic surgery patients a preview of how their face will look. The only problem is they keep printing out different pictures of Cher.

A study says that bilingual toddlers are better at solving certain problems. Like knowing how to get through the part of the phone call when the answering system says what numbers to hit so it doesn’t switch over to Spanish.

A study says flu shots may guard against irregular heart rates. Mostly the ones people experience when they don’t get the shot, catch the flu and end up waiting in line for 14 hours in the hospital ER.

A survey says that most Americans want to live to 100. Mostly Cubs fans in their 30s who want to have a chance at some day seeing the team get back to the World Series.

A survey says that most Americans want to live to 100, but only 42% are making a serious effort to get there. The other 58% are still regular customers at McDonald’s, Burger King and Taco Bell.

A survey says that most Americans want to live to 100. Mostly for revenge in making their kids take care of them while they are bedridden the last 23 years of their life.

A study says that U.S. seniors may be developing dementia less often. Apparently the researchers use the term “may” since they aren’t really sure because somehow they keep forgetting where they put their reports.

A study says the risk of dementia is lower in people who have at least a high school education. The ones most at risk are the ones who never finished high school because they kept forgetting where it was located.

Indicted pharmaceutical CEO Martin Shkreli is offering to pay Kanye West $10 Million so he can be the only one with his new album. Taking Kanye’s album off the market could save Shrikeli’s reputation as anyone with musical taste will now consider him a philanthropist.

Bruce Springsteen will reportedly have his autobiography out later this year. People will want to read the book so they can find out how he achieved his life goals of being a rock star, having a long lasting career and most importantly making it out of New Jersey.

Kristin Chenoweth and Alan Cumming say they were paid only $2,700 each to host last year’s Tonys. They could have made much more than that by hanging around Broadway and delivering an unmarked package downtown they got from some guy named Tony.

Kristin Chenoweth and Alan Cumming say they were paid only $2,700 each to host last year’s Tonys. The only reason they did it wasn’t for the money but for the hope their performances could have won them an Emmy.

Vanna White says she regrets posing for Playboy magazine, saying at the time she felt it could have ruined her career. Which probably gives her satisfaction knowing that “Wheel of Fortune” has outlived Playboy magazine.

Vanna White says she regrets posing for Playboy magazine, saying at the time she felt it could have ruined her career. Fortunately, people were willing to look past the scandal and judge her on her unique talent at being able to turn letters on a TV game show.

The NBA is reportedly close to placing corporate logos on players’ jerseys. Although while maybe not actually having a logo, the legalization of pot in some states means Denver and Portland jerseys may soon start being made of hemp.

The NBA is reportedly close to placing corporate logos on players’ jerseys. It’s just too bad that Shawn Kemp is retired as his jersey along would attract all kinds of business from Huggies, Gerber’s and Little Tikes.

The Oakland Raiders have agreed to an extension to stay at the Oakland Coliseum through 2016. Mostly because they feel a loyalty to Oakland, find the stadium conveniently located and that moving out of the area would put their fans leaving the city at risk of a parole violation.

NBA 2K16 video game creators are being sued for their use of copyrighted players’ tattoos. Ironically, the legal fees for the tattoos they show on some of the players’ arms and legs could end up costing them an arm and a leg.

A report says that NFL owners had concerns about a possible Raiders move to L.A. because of the local gang culture. Which means they must be happier that the Raiders are staying in their much more peaceful and law abiding current location in Oakland.

A report says that NFL owners had concerns about a possible Raiders move to L.A. because of the local gang culture. Remember the days when the reason NFL owners had any fears over the Raiders was when they were faced with dealing with Al Davis?

An analysis says that online dating fraud dips around Valentine’s Day. A drop in online dating fraud means only one thing. There are fewer men signing up.

A study says that 71% of Americans think that Alexander Hamilton was a former President. At least they have heard of Alexander Hamilton. The rest have no idea who he is because they have never actually gotten their hands on a $10 bill.

A study says that 71% of Americans think that Alexander Hamilton was a former President. The other 29% have no idea who is the current President.

A study says that one in ten Americans dating online are baby Boomers. Although most of those are middle aged men who are still looking for dates on Myspace.com.

Hillary Clinton spoke against Bernie Sanders’ health care proposals saying “We aren’t England and we aren’t France.” To which Bill Clinton added, “But I’ve seen all their underpants!”

A video that features Koko the gorilla using sign language to warn about the dangers of global warming is said to have been staged, as a gorilla could never understand a concept that complicated. In fact, scientists are still trying to find a way to explain it to the Republican presidential candidates.

Jeb Bush says for Lent he is giving up profanity. Although looking at his poll numbers, he should be giving up on any chance at ever becoming President.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Speaking of Lent, that was on Wednesday. That means Easter is six weeks away which means we are close to spring and baseball will be starting up again and the world will be good. That was a long way to get from Lent to baseball but it’s my way of saying I am sick of winter. Bring on the warm weather. The only thing I like more than a nice mild sunny day is when you all make sure to remember to send the love!

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