Thursday, February 11, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A report says there are now 260,000 robots working in U.S. factories. People were shocked at the revelation. There are still factories in the U.S.?

A study says that horses can recognize human emotions. Which explains how the relationship between Prince Charles and Camilla has been able to last all these years.

A study says that horses can recognize human emotions. Mostly when someone gets mad at plunking down $50 on a nag that finishes dead last in the field at Churchill Downs.

An Air Force General fainted during a briefing on the Air Force budget. Which is a switch as usually it’s the taxpayers who lose consciousness when talking about how much of their money is going into the military.

Delaware Governor Jack Markell has signed an apology over the state’s role in slavery. Which was nice but people are wondering when the state is going to issue an apology for Joe Biden.

A report says that owning a home may soon be considered a luxury item. Especially in Flint, Michigan where the cost of a mortgage is nowhere near how much it will cost to either have fresh drinking water shipped in or see the doctor every other week.

The world’s first home sperm testing kit is available that measures the count and quality of semen. Which is different than the system used by NBA players which is based on how much money is paid out every month in child support.

The world’s first home sperm testing kit is available that measures the count and quality of semen. It’s the latest in home sperm testing technology following Playboy, Penthouse and Internet Porn.

Scientists say that soon technology will allow people to wipe away their worst memories. So far the biggest request from prospective test subjects is the entire Bush Administration.

Scientists say that soon technology will allow people to wipe away their worst memories. Or as Cubs fans call that, everything going back to 1908.

Scientists say that soon technology will allow people to wipe away their worst memories. Which only applies to men who know that there is nothing that can ever be done to alter the ability of their wives to remember everything.

Carly Fiorina has ended her campaign for President. Which is too bad as her staff was just now able to see her in action doing what she does best. Laying all of them off.

The National Association of Homebuilders says that soon most new homes will be feature two master bedrooms for couples who sleep separately. Mostly based on the fact that the White House has 16 bedrooms which were still not far enough apart for Bill and Hillary Clinton.

Plus size model Ashley Graham will appear in this year’s Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. Of course, for the swimsuit issue the term “plus size” means anything above size zero.

A stranger has put up $1 Million to pay for college for an entire kindergarten class in California. Which by the time they are ready to graduate high school should barely cover the cost of books and supplies for one of those kids.

A stranger has put up $1 Million to pay for college for an entire kindergarten class in California. Apparently he is counting on the fact that the way today’s kids are so locked into video games and cellphones they will never study enough to make it to college.

EBay says it is planning to take on Amazon. Which is not really news since most people use eBay to try to unload all the useless crap they got suckered into buying on Amazon.

A report says the U.S. budget deficit is at its lowest level since 2008. Mostly from a higher tax rate, cuts in the budget and the fact that since President Obama moved into the White House there have been no new wars.

A report says the U.S. budget deficit is at its lowest level since 2008. To which Congress is saying to just wait, the year is still young.

Burger King says it will add hot dogs to their menu. Apparently they feel no publicity is bad publicity and they are tired of Chipotle getting all the headlines.

A study says that climate change will make transatlantic flights longer and more expensive. Mostly because of the new “global warming” fees the airlines will tack on as soon as they get the news.

A study says that climate change will make transatlantic flights longer and more expensive. Mostly because any flight that is longer will be more expensive when factoring in the additional number of $12 soft drinks that passengers will be buying.

A report says that Pizza Hut ended up in FX’s “The People v. O.J. Simpson” after Domino’s declined to be involved. Apparently Pizza Hut didn’t want to make their chefs look like amateurs with their pizza slicing compared with O.J.s abilities with a knife.

A bill in Congress would stop airlines from making passenger seats even smaller. Now all they need to do is work on the price of tickets, outrageous fees, delays and cancellations, lack of service, aggressive security measures, lost luggage...

A survey says that Utah residents are most positive about their state’s economy. Mostly from the steadily increasing business in the wedding industry that has many men coming back four or five times as repeat customers.

A study says couch potatoes may have smaller brains later in life. Although they might just seem smaller in comparison with the size of the person’s backside from years of playing video games and eating pizza every day.

A baby in North Carolina that was born at 10 ounces has gone home. The good news is that if the baby can maintain that weight she should be on track for a career as a super model.

A study says that guns, car crashes and drug overdoses are the reasons Americans die younger than people in other countries. Although that still doesn’t explain all the reasons for the people who aren’t living in Oklahoma.

A study says that smoking pot causes a poorer verbal memory in middle age. Mostly because the people who get stoned every day really don’t need to know any other words besides “pizza,” “Doritos” and “Oreos.”

A study says that eating fish is linked to a reduced risk of dementia. Although not everyone who eats seafood is safe from developing memory problems, as is evidenced by the people who keep going back to Red Lobster.

The “Harry Potter” play is set to be published as a book later this year. Apparently J.K. Rowling will not quit until she has every last time from her readers at least until the reach middle age.

A “Saved By The Bell” themed restaurant is opening in Chicago. Which means depending on how well he does handling a dish towel, it will be nice for fans to see Screech finding work again.

Ryan Reynolds has been named “Sexiest Dad Alive.” Which as far as women are concerned means that he has no problem changing diapers.

Ryan Reynolds has been named “Sexiest Dad Alive.” Also being honored is Caitlyn Jenner who was named “Sexiest Dad Who Is Now A Mom.”

Tribe has launched a video chat app that can be operated with one hand. Don’t we already have that? Most women know that if they have ever taken a call from a man using Skype.

The IRS says hackers are already trying to steal tax returns. Fortunately, the laugh is on them trying to find someone who still actually has an income.

The IRS says hackers are already trying to steal tax returns. Although when it comes to stealing money from taxpayers, those IRS hackers should know that they are dealing with the people who wrote the book on it.

NASA is questioning whether a man in India was actually killed by a meteorite as is being claimed. Although their response to what may have actually happened is “Has anyone seen the Hubble telescope lately?”

Twitter user growth has come to a halt at 320 Million. Which is good to know that the other 6 Billion, 680 Million people on the planet still actually have a life.

Twitter user growth has come to a halt at 320 Million. Which at least answers the question as to how many people on Earth have thoughts that can eclipse 140 characters in length.

The White House is proposing a $19 Billion budget for NASA this year. Most of that will go towards rocket launches and the inevitable investigation as to what went wrong with all the rocket launches.

NASA has banned the word “Jesus” at the Johnson Space Center. Mostly because officials are tired of that being the word most often used at Mission Control immediately following any of their rocket launches.

The Amazon terms of service gives a waiver in the event of a Zombie Apocalypse. Which is just another way of describing what it would look like if Amazon warehouse employees ever started a workplace riot.

Jeb Bush gave a talk where he was confronted by supporters about his poll numbers and debate performances. The good news is he was just glad he didn’t have to answer any questions about his lack of personality, foreign policy and economic platform.

Mitt Romney sent a thank you shoutout to Carly Fiorina and Chris Christie who have just dropped out of the presidential race. Mostly for coming in with numbers that made Romney’s run in 2012 look so good by comparison.

Top Democrats are reportedly telling Hillary Clinton to fix her messaging. To which Hillary is saying the last time she fixed her messaging was the time she decided to use a private server for her e-mails.

Bernie Sanders says that Bill Clinton hit him below the belt with his attacks. Although it is the first time Bill Clinton has ever been accused of going below the belt. At least not by a woman.

An Ohio congressional candidate says he is being blackmailed. Or as most candidates call donors asking for favors after they get into office, the election process.

An Ohio congressional candidate says he is being blackmailed. Apparently he was only prepared for a run at office that included bribes, payola and greasing the wheel.

A poll says Americans list cyberterrorism as one of the top three threats to the country. Which for most men is when their wife is able to hack into their Facebook account and see who they have been chatting with.

A poll says Americans list cyberterrorism as one of the top three threats to the country. That would be much easier to deal with than the other two top threats which are still Congress and the IRS.

Bernie Sanders is aiming to boost his appeal to minority voters after his win in New Hampshire. Mostly because the other primaries are in states that actually have minority voters.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am still cranking out the jokes even though I am feeling the effects of a cold. But just because I am feeling miserable doesn’t mean I can’t inflict the same suffering on all of you. Of  course, the best way for me to have a quick and complete recovery is for all of you making sure to take the time to remember to send the love!

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