Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The U.S. merchandise trade deficit with China reached a record $365 Billion in 2015. And that’s just from Wal-Mart closing down 154 of its store locations.

National Intelligence Chief James Clapper says the government may use the Internet of Things to spy on Americans. Although all they are going to find out is how many times anyone with a smart refrigerator is going to the kitchen for the latest round of snacks.

National Intelligence Chief James Clapper says the government may use the Internet of Things to spy on Americans. Although ironically, Clapper won’t be able to find out anything with anyone who runs their home with the pre-digital technology of a Clapper.

A study says that running boosts a person’s brain power. Which is easily disputable when you take in account of what is being said every day by all the candidates who are running for President.

A New Jersey man reportedly stabbed his neighbor to death over the loud chirping of his pet birds. The sad part is that the victim misunderstood his friends when they told him he needed to get involved in tweeting.

The world’s largest aircraft at more than 300 feet long is getting ready to take off. Apparently it was commissioned by the government to be the new Air Force One in case Chris Christie makes it to the White House.

A report says that rising prices in the San Francisco real estate market are very similar to what they were right before the ‘90s dot-com bust. Which could be deja vu for people who are invested in Twitter which may become known as the Millennials’ Pets.com.

The religious community Sisters of the Valley in Merced, California are worried a new law may stop them from growing marijuana in their garage for pot-laced health products. It could also cut into the demand for their corn tortilla, dip friendly communion wafers.

California farmers are reporting record sales in the middle of the record drought. Especially the ones who were faced with losing their entire crop of grapes but ended up making a fortune in the raisin industry.

The Mayor of Flint, Michigan says that $55 Million is needed to replace lead water pipes in the city. Or they could to with a cheaper alternative and take $2 Million to buy up every house at current market value so everyone can just move somewhere else.

Sex offenders are challenging a law requiring them to be identified on passports. They claim that can already be done by looking at anyone’s passport that is stamped with numerous trips to Thailand.

Two umpires have been banned from the International Tennis Federation over allegations of match fixing. The officials may have been working together which makes the blame on both of them a call of double fault.

A publishing company will return $14 Million in royalties for the song “Happy Birthday To You” after a court ruled the song is in the public domain. Which is bad news for Major League Baseball teams who have jacked up ticket prices by double over the years claiming the price increase is for the copyright on “Take Me Out To The Ball Game.”

The President of Egypt opened a housing complex for the poor in Cairo by walking down a two and a half mile long red carpet. The worst part of having a red carpet that visible is that every time it is rolled out Paris Hilton shows up to make an appearance.

The President of Egypt opened a housing complex for the poor in Cairo by walking down a two and a half mile long red carpet. Apparently he didn’t want to get mud on his shoes from walking around inside the homes on all the dirt floors.

A report says the number of Americans with health insurance is at its highest rate in the past 20 years. Which has led to record employment in the insurance industry with all the people who have been hired to help find reasons to deny all the new claims.

A report says the number of Americans with health insurance is at its highest rate in the past 20 years at 91%. The other 9% have to count on the discount they get in the medical aisle where they work at Wal-Mart, KMart and 7-Eleven.

Sears says it will be closing at least 50 unprofitable stores. Which brings up the question as to why they will be keeping any of their other stores open?

The White House is proposing $2 Billion to increase the number of apprenticeships in the U.S. Although most Americans are scared to death the White House could soon be the location of the next four seasons of “The Apprentice.”

Twitter has launched a new anti-troll cybersafety committee. The bad news is the committee is recommending the best way to get rid of online trolls would be to shut down Twitter.

A report says that U.S. airfares are the cheapest they have been since 2010. Which is right around the time that most airlines started charging enough in fees on every flight to make fares be classified under petty cash.

President Obama has sent Congress a record $4.1 Trillion spending plan for 2017. Mostly just so whomever wins the election in 2016 will have to start taking the heat for having a bigger budget deficit than ever happened under Obama.

Chipotle is giving away free burritos in an attempt to bring back customers in the wake of several outbreaks of illness at their restaurants. The only problem is that customers who got sick can still feel the last Chipotle burrito they ate is what keeps coming back.

President Obama is proposing a $3.1 Billion update of government computers to protect against cyberattacks. Mostly to finally find a way to prevent all those e-mails he keeps getting that are sent through the private server of Hillary Clinton.

To enhance cybersecurity, President Obama says he wants to retire outdated government systems. Which came as a real disappointment to people when they found out he wasn’t talking about the IRS.

A survey says that Alexandria, Virginia is the most romantic city in the U.S. Mostly because it is a popular place to watch those in love walking hand in hand along the Potomac River. And that’s just the members of Congress and their lobbyists.

A government report says that guns, car crashes and drug overdoses explain why Americans die younger than people in other countries. To which executives at Chipotle were saying “Whew!”

Residents of Flint, Michigan are being asked to boil even water that comes through filter systems. It’s getting so bad that when people request water at a restaurant they are asked if they want regular or unleaded.

A report says there were a record number of shark attacks around the world in 2015. The increase is being attributed to global warming making for sparse food supplies, more people taking to beaches for vacations and the increase in the number of recent graduates from law school.

A Fitbit tracker is being given credit for detecting a woman’s pregnancy. Apparently the technology figured out what was happening when the only activity she was ever doing was taking place in the bedroom.

Health experts say that primary care doctors should screen all teens for signs of depression. Mostly because the medical community knows the first sign of depression is pretty much being a teenager.

A study says that American teenagers are eating better. The bad news is that it doesn’t mean they are eating healthier, it just means that they aren’t spilling as much ice cream, french fries and hamburger toppings on their clothes.

Khloe Kardashian has signed up on dating service OkCupid after splitting with her boyfriend. The only problem is that her profile may scare away a lot of potential dates when they find out that if they marry her, their brother-in-law will be Kanye West.

Archie Comics is saying that Jughead Jones is asexual. Which was pretty much common knowledge for someone who was always around Betty and Veronica but only ever showed an interest in hanging around Moose and Miss Grundy.

Former “American Idol” winner Kelly Clarkson has signed a deal to write a children’s book about her daughter River Rose. The book revolves around the child making friends with a magical unicorn who is injured but brought back to health with the help of stable boy Justin Guarini.

Eli Manning explained his dour expression after his brother’s team made the winning touchdown in Super Bowl 50. Apparently he was still just trying to get over watching Coldplay’s entire set during the halftime show.

Cam Newton says he gave a short post game interview at the Super Bowl because he is a “sore loser.” Although at least he didn’t get sore from risking an injury that he could have gotten by say, diving into a pile to try to recover his fumble.

A federal agency says the Google self-driving car is its own driver. Apparently Google satisfied the requirements with a new advancement that actually allows the car to flip off other drivers.

The world’s largest solar plant has gone online in Morocco, serving 1.1 Million people. Although they wouldn’t need that energy in the first place if they would live in a country that isn’t located in the Sahara Desert.

The Telecommunications Act of 1996 is turning 20 years old. That cleared the way for cellphone service which allows people trying to get service from AT&T to be put on hold for the next 20.

The Telecommunications Act of 1996 is turning 20 years old. Which ironically will never be known by anyone born at the time it was passed unless it is mentioned it where they can see it on their cellphone screen on Twitter, Facebook or Snapchat.

Walgreens is installing medication disposal kiosks at 500 of its stores. The bad part is when customers hand the store pharmacist a prescription and they go over to the kiosk which has been renamed the “pharmaceutical recycling center.”

Walgreens is installing medication disposal kiosks at 500 of its stores. The only problem is when the store manager has to chase away all the stoners who gather out back to try and do some dumpster diving.

A study says that marijuana is much stronger now than it was in 1995. Which was pretty much proven when it was realized that the study actually started back in 1997.

A study says that marijuana is much stronger now than it was in 1995. Which finally explains the obesity epidemic that is now known to be caused by people who got stoned 20 years ago and still have the munchies.

Chris Christie says after his sixth place finish in the New Hampshire primary he will go back to New Jersey to take a deep breath. Which for most people taking a deep breath is usually the best time to want to get out of New Jersey.

Chris Christie says after his sixth place finish in the New Hampshire primary he will go back to New Jersey to take a deep breath. Which for Chris Christie, the only time he usually takes a deep breath is between courses while standing in the buffet line.

Jeb Bush is telling supporters his campaign “is not dead” and he is “going on to South Carolina.” The bad news is that when word got out he was heading to South Carolina, state police asked if that was going to require a funeral escort.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, the New Hampshire primaries are over. The good news is that means two down, only 48 to go. The bad news is that just about all the candidates are still in the race. The really good news is at least from my perspective that there are 48 primaries and all the candidates which accounts for a good chunk of material on any given day. Almost every formula for joke writing is covered just by the candidacies of Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders. That makes my job easier. And my work is always more enjoyable on top of that when you all remember to take the time to make sure to send the love!

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