Tuesday, February 02, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Some Uber drivers in New York City are striking over a drop in fares. It’s a lot different than the old days when people would give rides to strangers for weed, sex or gas money.

Benoit Violier, one of the world’s top chefs has died at age 44. He will be cremated according to his instructions in a Bearnaise sauce at 425 degrees for 45 minutes.

Benoit Violier, one of the world’s top chefs has died at age 44. That’s what happens when you mock one of the favorite recipes of Gordon Ramsay.

Fox ratings surged with the airing of “Grease Live” Sunday night. The only problem is the L.A. sewer system following the show had a bigger oil slick than the Gulf Oil spill.

Fox ratings surged with the airing of “Grease Live” Sunday night. The good news is that stock in Brylcreem was up more than the last time Jerry Lewis hosted the his Labor Day telethon.

An expert says that humans will merge with computers by 2050. He’s a little late on that prediction. Have you ever tried to pry the iPhone out of the hands of a 16 year old?

A study says that smoking marijuana may affect a person’s verbal memory. Which is no big deal since pot smokers’ entire vocabulary is based on the numerous inflections they use with the word “dude.”

A Utah lawmaker has proposed making porn a public health crisis. Apparently he feels that men should only have sex the traditional way. At home with one of their five wives.

A Utah lawmaker has proposed making porn a public health crisis. However, if porn were outlawed there would be an economic crisis as no one would ever have a reason to buy any more computers.

Scientists say the female brain is not wired for weight loss. Which apparently is related to the combination of depressing movies and Haagen Dazs ice cream.

Michigan says it is undertaking a plan to see if the drinking water in Flint is safe. Although when it comes to testing Flint’s drinking water, it was probably a poor choice to use the term “undertaking.”

A report says that Puerto Rico’s economic debt is tied to their providing people with free electricity. People were amazed. When did Puerto Rico get electric power?

A report says that Puerto Rico’s economic debt is tied to providing people with free electricity. If that happened in the U.S., the power would be needed for the defibrillators to revive the power company executives who couldn’t price gouge customers.

India car maker Tata is reportedly considering renaming its new Zica car in the wake of the outbreak of the Zika virus. In a related story, Kia is thinking about a name change as well for their latest model, the I-Bola.

A survey says that post holiday spending by U.S. consumers dropped to $81 a day, down from $99 in December. Mostly because people aren’t spending as much time at the mall and dropping $18 a day at Starbucks.

A survey says that post holiday spending by U.S. consumers dropped to $81 a day, down from $99 in December. Which wouldn’t be so bad if not for the fact that they are averaging an income of $54 a day.

Bill Gates says he used to memorize employees’ license plates so he could look out the window to see who was at work. He had to use the license plates and not just look at the cars because his workers back then all drove an AMC Pacer.

Bill Gates says he used to memorize employees’ license plates so he could look out the window to see who was at work. Or he could have installed a free soft drink machine full of Fanta in his office and seen who didn’t come in at least twelve times a day.

Bill Gates says he used to memorize employees’ license plates so he could look out the window to see who was at work. It’s just too bad he didn’t have access to anyone who could have used some sort of technology to take workplace attendance.

Microsoft says that Windows 10 has passed XP in its number of users after six months. Which people who are still using Windows XP will read about just as soon as their computers are finally able to boot up.

Twitter stock surged on another rumor of a company takeover. Mostly because traffic went way up as Twitter users finally had something to tweet about.

A poll says that Democrats and Republicans agree the top four political issues are terrorism, the economy, jobs and healthcare. They also agree that no matter which politicians they vote for, nothing will be done about any of them.

The CDC says it is unable to trace the cause of the outbreak of E.coli at Chipotle restaurants. Even more confounding is not being able to figure why there haven’t been any outbreaks at Taco Bell.

A UK woman underwent a pancreas transplant because of her intense fear of needles to inject herself with insulin for diabetes. It’s just a good thing she has no problem with being knocked out for several hours and sliced into with a scalpel during surgery.

The director of “Thor: Ragnarok” says the Hulk’s verbal skills may improve in the film. Now if they could just do something about Steven Seagal.

Khloe Kardashian says being overweight kept her from being a “whore in real life.” Fortunately she was able to put that off until she started selling herself out on every deal possible after getting her own reality TV shows.

Nick Jonas says he has “nothing to prove” regarding his sexuality. Which no one really cares about as much as wishing he would put a shirt on at least once in awhile.

John Cleese says political correctness is killing comedy. The issue isn’t whether it can make it through times of censorship. The real question is can it survive Dane Cook?

Cindy Crawford says she is ready to move on from modeling now that she is turning 50. People were stunned at the news. Cindy Crawford is still modeling?

Cindy Crawford says she is ready to move on from modeling now that she is turning 50. The Kardashian sisters were surprised at the news. There are people who have their pictures taken by someone else?

The NFL says Johnny Manziel’s latest scrape with the law is under an “ongoing” review by the league. He’s the only player who has reviews done not on stadium cameras but on bar customers’ iPhones.

Cleveland Browns fans are pledging to be “Johnny Manziel free” on Twitter in February. Meanwhile Manziel’s backers are starting a similar movement in light of his latest legal issues called “Free Johnny Manziel.”

Golfer Jim Furyk will be out for three months to undergo wrist surgery. Apparently it has something to do with a swing change he made that causes his wrists to change direction seven times on every shot instead of just six.

Ronda Rousey’s mother says her daughter’s trainer is a “fraud.” Apparently it had to do with his advice to try to stop Holly Holm’s foot with her face.

Google’s parent company Alphabet has passed Apple as the world’s most valuable company, worth $570 Billion to Apple’s $535 Billion. Apple hopes to make up the difference and get back to the top when they sell three more iPads and seven iPhones.

Microsoft is reportedly testing an underwater data center. Microsoft hasn’t been this close to going underwater since they bet the company’s future on the release of Windows Vista.

Researchers say a huge population of endangered lions have been found in Ethiopia. The lions will remain on the endangered list until Ethiopia promises stronger safeguards, isolates the area they are living in and prevents allowing travel visas for any Minnesota dentists.

Researchers say ancient humans ate cantaloupe sized eggs from 500 pound birds. Which answers the question of why early man had such a short life span because of predatory animals, territorial battles and sky high cholesterol levels.

Researchers say ancient humans ate cantaloupe sized eggs from 500 pound birds. Birds that large disappeared from the face of the Earth until Colonel Sanders discovered growth hormones.

Democrats and Republicans reported vote counts using Microsoft apps for the Iowa caucuses. Although so far most people using Microsoft products on the Iowa caucuses are using it to try to determine if Bill Gates or Donald Trump has the worst haircut.

An expedition to drill below the Earth’s crust for the first time came up short. It’s just a good thing the project wasn’t given to BP unless they wanted to have the Gulf of Mexico get filled up the next time with magma.

The CEO of Porsche says the company won’t be working on self-driving technology for its sports cars. Mostly because Porsche owners like the feel of driving a high powered sports car by themselves, being seen behind the wheel and since they are all mostly over 70 years old are too afraid to take them over 30 miles an hour in the first place.

A “Madden NFL 16” simulation has predicted the Carolina Panthers will win the Super Bowl next week. The game has correctly predicted the winner nine of the past twelve years. Which is even more amazing considering the programmers who put the game together couldn’t hit their computer screen from their chair with a real football.

An ant simulation video game was canceled after developers used investor money on strippers and booze. People who invested in the realistic ant game are not happy. In fact, instead of hiring a lawyer they have called in the Orkin man.

An analyst says that Donald Trump could possibly save Twitter. Mostly from the millions of people who are signing up for an account to criticize Trump just to get a personalized tweet from Trump calling them a complete moron.

IBM’s Watson is teaming up with the American Heart Association to improve heart health for people at work. Which is ironic in that a computer will try to undo all the damage done by people sitting at a desk all day staring at different screens.

A report says that most of Hillary Clinton’s donations are coming from women. Most of which come with a picture of the donor and their phone number asking if they can be forwarded to Bill.

Donald Trump’s star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame was reportedly vandalized. People were surprised. What did Trump do to earn a star on the Walk of Fame?

Donald Trump’s star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame was reportedly vandalized. Not only that, but three hair salons that started up near its location have all gone out of business.

A comprehensive energy bill in the Senate is reportedly moving slower than expected. Only in Washington, D.C. could an energy bill run out of gas.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The Iowa Caucuses are over with Ted Cruz beating Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton tying with Bernie Sanders. Which finally explains what Iowans are doing with all the corn they are growing and it isn’t to make alcohol that is going into our cars. Now voters across the nation are faced with difficult decisions, mostly whom they will vote for and which country they will moved to when we finally pick a President. Before you leave, make sure to turn off the lights and remember to send the love!

No comments: