Thursday, January 07, 2016

Gretings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A study says a lack of sleep could lead to Alzheimer’s Disease. Mostly because people who sleep all day do fewer things so they have less to remember.

North Korea says it detonated its first H-Bomb. Although it’s hard to tell since all of their cities look like they have already been hit by an atomic blast.

Chipotle has been served with a federal subpoena over an outbreak of norovirus at a restaurant in California. If that’s the case, the question is why aren’t all the Taco Bell restaurants surrounded by prison bars?

Chipotle has been served with a federal subpoena over an outbreak of norovirus at a restaurant in California. The worst part is that if the criminal investigation continues, customers will be placing their orders through a visitation window.

Barry Manilow is releasing a new album where he performs duets with deceased stars on their signature hits. Music industry experts were surprised. Barry Manilow is still alive?

Barry Manilow is releasing a new album where he performs duets with deceased stars on their signature hits. Which means Manilow is the one person in the music business who has finally figured out how to deal with all the divas.

A new office chair alerts the company how long employees are sitting through the day. Which can be used as a direct correlation to the amount of time the workers are spending company time on Facebook, Twitter and watching Internet porn.

A new office chair alerts the company how long employees are sitting through the day. Apparently the idea came from the Cleveland Browns who were trying to calculate just how much time is taken up on the bench each game by Johnny Manziel.

A report says that sex robots will be the biggest trend in 2016. Which is good news for “Star Wars” fans who will finally get their wish of having someone to take along with them on movie night.

A science fiction author is predicting that robots will wage war against humans by 2055. Especially any robots that are built by Apple that will want to take over because they think they are better than everyone else.

A science fiction author is predicting that robots will wage war against humans by 2055. Authorities are already monitoring the actions of any devices that are repeating the slogan “Praise HAL!”

A report says that most Americans are one paycheck away from being on the street. Which is better than the rest who are saying “What’s a paycheck?”

A survey says that 63% of Americans don’t have $1,000 on reserve to cover an ER visit or $500 for a car repair. The other 37% are asking where you can go to have an ER visit that costs only $1,000 or a car repair that is just $500?

An expansion of IRS online offerings means less telephone and face to face time will be available to the public to get information on their taxes. The worst part is the new online offerings consist of a website that says “Just hand it all over.”

A mind reading computer can reportedly decipher words from brainwaves before they are spoken. Which is really no big deal when it is hooked up to the brain of a man and it just has to come up with some sort of comment about sex.

The national leaders of the biker gang the Bandidos have been indicted for racketeering. Although the question is how dangerous can a biker gang really be that calls themselves “The Bandidos”?

Former New Mexico Governor Gary Johnson has announced he will run for President as a Libertarian. Which means he is going to have some stiff competition in trying to split up and get some of the 3% of the voters who are supporting Rand Paul.

Former New Mexico Governor Gary Johnson has announced he will run for President as a Libertarian. Environmentalists are alarmed. Not because of his policies but because there are so many candidates running, entire forests will disappear creating all the ballots for the primaries.

Iowa voters say that Hillary is “fuzzier” or approachable than during her last campaign. Political experts say it is the first time that “fuzzy” has been used in a campaign since trying to describe George W. Bush’s math skills.

North Korea says it has tested an H-Bomb, although there is widespread skepticism of their claim. North Korea countered by saying they can prove it because they can document already testing bombs marked A through G.

North Korea says it has tested an H-Bomb, although there is widespread skepticism of their claim. Although there is some fear that it is true as the response on the news from the U.N. was half the countries dropping the F-Bomb.

Malaysia Airlines banned luggage on some European flights earlier in the week for safety reasons. Or as United Airlines customers call traveling with no luggage, “loss prevention.”

Fitbit is facing a class-action lawsuit, claiming its heart rate information can be dangerously low. Apparently the best way to test heart rate accurately is to see if it goes off the chart when the user is reminded them their Fitbit cost them $150.

A survey says that Americans’ assessment of their living standard were brighter in 2015. Which means that the average family of four has been able to move out of the sedan they were living in and upgrade to a full sized camper.

A survey says that Americans’ assessment of their living standard were brighter in 2015. Especially for the people who were able to move out of their Amana refrigerator box and into a more luxurious box from Viking.

A report says the Washington Redskins have some of the most thrifty players in the NFL. Not only are they tight with their money, some of them are even said to be Indian givers. (Why stop at being racist just with the “Redskins” part of the joke?)

Stanford has announced a “boot camp” for gay business leaders. It’s the one where the footwear of choice is knee high leather zip up high heeled harness boots.

Powerball has lowered the odds of winning by increasing the numbers to choose from up to 69 from 59. The odds are so much against the players that a winning ticket is nearly as unlikely to cash in as a bet on the Browns ever winning the Super Bowl.

The UK Parliament will debate banning Donald Trump form Britain. To which most Americans tell them they are wasting their time as we have had no success after trying it here for years.

January 6th is reportedly the busiest day of the year for job seekers according to job site Monster.com. Mostly because it takes just six days into the new year before people already give on their resolution to actually be able to find a decent job in this economy.

SeaWorld and California have reached a settlement on allegations the park didn’t properly train workers to interact with killer whales. Mostly because the first thing anyone should be taught is to not get into the tank with a killer whale.

SeaWorld and California have reached a settlement on allegations the park didn’t properly train workers to interact with killer whales. Apparently the workers were supposed to be moved up gradually to killer whales after working their way up from electric eels to sting rays to Great White sharks.

A study says that parents distracted by their cellphones can have detrimental effects on their babies’ development. Especially when they are not as hands-on with their kids because they haven’t figured out how to go hands-free with their phones.

A study says that parents distracted by their cellphones can have detrimental effects on their babies’ development. Remember the old days before smartphone technology when for most parents kids were the distraction?

A study says that nearly 1 in 10 U.S. kids who play video games are addicted. The other 9 have the more traditional addictions to eating sugar, salt and fat.

A study says people who drink moderately tend to exercise more than those who abstain. Mostly because they are the ones most likely to get their exercise by running down the block after their wife catches them sneaking into the bedroom at 3:00 AM.

Ashley Olsen says she was not part of “Fuller House” case because she no longer considers herself an actress. Fans of the show were shocked. She used to think she could act?

Sunday’s playoff game between the Seahawks and Vikings in Minnesota could be one of the coldest games in NFL history. Which shows there are advantages to playing for a team as bad as the Chargers as they play in southern California and miss all those games in the cold part of the year after the regular season.

Support for Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens in this year’s Baseball Hall of Fame balloting was up slightly. Which is a coincidence as just like in their playing careers their numbers keep going up even as they get older.

A federal judge has ruled that a Macaque monkey does not own the rights to a selfie it took with a photographer’s camera. Which is bad news for the monkey that saw the Kardashians build an empire just by using the same set of skills.

Apple says it is responsible for creating 1.9 Million jobs in the U.S. Mostly people being paid minimum wage to sweep the floors and empty the trash in all their Apple Stores where the actual merchandise was made by the 10 Million jobs Apple created in China.

Apple has awarded pay raises to CEO Tim Cook and other top executives. Mostly to show others how much money can be made by people who rise to the top by not spending all day staring at their iPhone.

A Bluetooth device called Skulpt Chisel reportedly assesses users’ body fat and muscle quality. The bad part is when it shows that the biggest muscle in the user’s body is their brain for spending $99 for the app.

A Bluetooth device called Skulpt Chisel reportedly assesses users’ body fat and muscle quality. The worst part is when people who spend $99 on the app realize where the name “Chisel” came from.

For the first time in 41 years, no one has made it to the summit of Mt. Everest. The reasons were harsh conditions, fear of avalanches and that most of the potential climbers went to see the movie “Everest.”

Jeb Bush explained why he is saying Donald Trump is a “jerk.” Which has something to do with his attitude, arrogance and the fact that he is currently beating Bush in the polls by more than 30 points.

Joe Biden says he “regrets” staying out of the 2016 presidential race. Although not as much as the news reporters who would never have to worry about getting a controversial quote on the days when Donald Trump isn’t giving a speech.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! This election cycle feels like a never ending car trip where most people are finding themselves saying “Are we there yet?” The only question is what will we be talking about after the November election other than wondering who will be running in 2020. If we spent as much time on our nation’s issues as we do in listening to people tell us how they are going to fix them we might actually get somewhere. Hey, I sound just like one of the candidates! Maybe I might run next time. Or is already too late to declare to be a candidate in 2020? Maybe 2024 or 2028. Unless Donald Trump is elected and we won’t have a country left to govern. In the meantime, the only votes I care about are the ones you cast when you remember to take the time to always send the love!

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