Friday, January 08, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A Michigan man proposed to his girlfriend at a Wal-Mart after which he reportedly stole some sex toys for her. The worst part was for the employee who had to take care of the cleanup on Aisle 5.

Apple has bought a startup that uses Artificial Intelligence to read people’s emotions. Which is usually depression, disappointment and anger after realizing they just paid twice the price for a gadget because it has the Apple logo.

A Missouri bill defines sex between a lobbyist and legislator as a gift. The only question is whether tax payers can now deduct what happens to them when lobbyists and legislators get together to do business.

A Missouri bill defines sex between a lobbyist and legislator as a gift. That doesn’t even count the half of everything either of them owns that they have to give to their spouse when they get caught.

A report says that too much screen time makes kids unhappy. Especially when the screen time is spent looking at their parents’ Facebook pages to see all the embarrassing baby photos they have posted of them for everyone to see.

A Caribbean Airlines flight attendant was sentenced to prison for smuggling cocaine. Authorities became suspicious when passengers were caught with wads of $100 bills they explained as cash they needed to cover their inflight airline fees.

A Caribbean Airlines flight attendant was sentenced to prison for smuggling cocaine. Authorities became suspicious when he kept going through several boxes of straws for passengers each flight but never actually served any drinks.

A new app helps women to stop apologizing at work which undermines their authority. Although some more work needs to be done with the women who say they are sorry because they keep looking at their phone all day to see what the app says to do.

A survey says that three times as many women as men in the U.S. are more likely to say they are bisexual. Mostly because when anything other than heterosexual is mentioned, all men hear is “gay.”

The Marine Corps is coming up with a plan to make its job titles more gender neutral. Especially for the recruits who think the “infantry” has something to do with day care.

A study says that only 5.8% of Americans make it into the top 1% of income earners for more than two years. The other 94.2% get greedy and end up giving most of their money to the Nigerian princes who promises to make them even richer.

A survey says that digital eye strain is worse for people using two or more devices at the same time. Not from using the devices but from also having to look up all the time to make sure no one catches them looking at all that porn.

A survey says that digital eye strain is worse for people using two or more devices at the same time. Remember when digital eye strain meant someone poking you in the eye with their finger?

Black pudding is being hailed as a “superfood” in Britain. Which is going to be hard to get anyone else on board with from a country that lists its national delicacies as haggis, jellied ells and Marmite.

Chick-fil-A is taking coleslaw off their menu and replacing it with salads made with kale. Which is good news for Chipotle as most Americans would rather sit down to a plate of E.coli than have to try to get through an order of kale.

Wildlife officials want to relist manatees as “threatened” instead of “endangered.” At least until they hear of any Minnesota dentists who are booking hunting trips to Florida.

Michigan Governor Rick Snyder has apologized for the water crisis in Flint. Residents are now just waiting for him to also apologize for the area’s economy, unemployment and school system.

Donald Trump says he wants to levy a huge tax on China’s exports to the U.S. Which is good news in that it would wipe out the federal deficit overnight with the tax revenue from all the voters who buy cheap Chinese crap at Wal-Mart, Amazon and eBay.

A study says that Donald Trump’s supporters are misinformed and not uninformed. The study also says the main reason they are misinformed is because they believe anything that is said by Donald Trump.

The CEO of a financial advisory organization says that Donald Trump’s rhetoric is damaging “brand USA.” Which Trump says will all be taken care of when he is elected President and changes the name of the country to the United States of Trump.

The CEO of a financial advisory organization says that Donald Trump’s rhetoric is damaging “brand USA.” Which would be more of an issue if there were actually any products that were still made in the USA.

TNT says it is going to cut its commercial content and add another 8-10 minutes for each program hour. To which CNN is saying “What are commercials?”


UFCfighter Ronda Rousey will wear only body paint in a layout for the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. Which is not to be confused with the tattooing she got in her last fight from Holly Holm.

Boeing delivered a record 762 airliners in 2015. The only problem is that half of them were bought by United to try to catch up with the flights they still haven’t completed since 2012.

Lean Cuisine has created a way for people to block TV and online ads that mention diets or weight loss. Which people wouldn’t have to pay any attention to in the first place if they didn’t spend so much time staring at their TV, Internet and cellphone.

The CEO of Volkswagen will hold high level talks in Washington, D.C. about their emissions scandal. Which is ironic in that the government talks will end up with more blown smoke than the rigged Volkswagen diesel engines ever put out in the first place.

China’s stock crash reportedly destroyed $45 Billion of U.S. wealth. Economists were optimistic. No one even knew the U.S. still had $45 Billion in wealth to lose.

China’s stock crash reportedly destroyed $45 Billion of U.S. wealth. Which most Americans are happy with making up the difference by just giving them Delaware.

The stock market had its worst four day start to a year ever. Which is still a long ways from the 365 day disastrous start to the year that happened back in 2008.

Cancer experts are reportedly upset with new government dieting guidelines that don’t push for eating less red meat. The good news is that by looking at most Americans, it is obvious they haven’t paid any attention to any diet suggestions since 1974.

A report says that Yahoo is considering laying off 10% of it’s workforce. The worst part is that the news was found by looking it up on Google.

The CDC says that most Americans are still eating too much salt. What’s worse is that the people eating more salt are doing it to cover the aftertaste of all the sugar and fat.

The CDC says that most Americans are still eating too much salt. At least they are becoming more specific instead of the usual generic alert that we are just eating too much.

A study says that gradually reducing the amount of sugar in beverages can lead to a reduction in obesity and diabetes. The only problem is when people reduce the amount of sugar they are drinking and just replace it instead with alcohol.

An Australian woman is defending a picture of her 3 year old son who has defined six pack abs. Most Americans were confused by the report and were asking “What are abs?”

An Australian woman is defending a picture of her 3 year old son who has defined six pack abs. Apparently it wasn’t really a problem until all his daycare playmates started sporting rashes from him giving them wedgies with their Pampers.

A study says birth control pills are not linked to birth defects. Which makes sense because isn’t the whole reason to be taking the Pill is to avoid being linked to any births in the first place?

Chipotle says it will “cooperate fully” with the criminal probe into a norovirus outbreak in California. Their new marketing campaign is that eating at Chipotle gives the same experience as taking a Carnival cruise without the fear of sinking.

Chipotle says it will “cooperate fully” with the criminal probe into a norovirus outbreak in California. In fact, so many workers are talking that the menu now includes beef, chicken and stool pigeon.

The IEEE USA is urging workers to complain to the government if they have been replaced by foreign workers. Apparently companies are just eliminating the middle man and instead of outsourcing jobs overseas are just bring the replacement workers here.

The IEEE USA is urging workers to complain to the government if they have been replaced by foreign workers. The IEEE is apparently tired of all their members losing their jobs and coming to the union office screaming “Aieeee!”

The FCC says that high speed broadband Internet service is spreading across the country but not fast enough. Mostly because people who are using AOL are still waiting to download the information that tells them there is such a thing as high speed Internet.

The insurance industry is bracing for less revenue from the future of self-driving cars that will have fewer accidents. Which means it is a good idea that insurance companies have been preparing for this day by overcharging us on our premiums since 1967.

A concept supersonic aircraft will reportedly be able to travel from London to New York in 30 minutes. Which is good news in that it will cut back the length of the entire trip to seven hours including travel time to get to Heathrow and JFK airports.

The Obama Administration is seeking help from tech companies for ways to disrupt terrorists from using the Internet to recruit and incite violence. So far the best idea is to just slow them down by giving them computers that only run on Windows 10.

More than 30 universities have banned students from using hoverboards on campus. Apparently they want students to partake in more safe activities like binge drinking at keg parties, fraternity hazing and going hopelessly in debt with tuition loans.

NOAA says that 2015 was the second hottest year ever, with only 2012 coming in with a higher average temperature. That was mostly credited to the steam coming out of Republicans’ collars after President Obama won his second term.

A study says that a majority of parents monitor their teens’ digital activity. That doesn’t even include their dads snooping through their kids’ computers to see if any of the hot teenage girls they know have been sexting them naked pictures.

A 2,700 year old farmhouse has been unearthed in Israel. They could tell is was an Israeli farmhouse because there was a sign calling it “Greenberg Acres.”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! A sad note from Hollywood on the passing of Pat Harrington at age 86 who was better known to most of us as Schneider on “One Day At A Time.” He worked with the great Steve Allen on the “Tonight Show” as one of the “Men on the Street” along with Tom Poston and Don Knotts which puts him right up there with some of Hollywood’s biggest comedy heavyweights. Although most guys in my age group watched “One Day At A Time” because it featured Valerie Bertinelli, it was always good when Schneider came onscreen to throw a little bit of macho into a show run on estrogen. He was also the voice of the cartoon version of Clouseau in the “Pink Panther” which was another favorite. A sad goodbye to a great talent. Think of Pat when you take the time to remember as always to make sure to send the love!

2 comments:

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