Wednesday, January 06, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

President Obama’s proposed new gun rules will allow doctors to report some mentally ill patients to the FBI. Doctors generally consider anyone mentally ill who actually thinks their health care plan will pick up the entire payment for their medical bills.

The temperature could be near zero for Sunday’s wild card playoff game between the Vikings and Seahawks in Minnesota. As opposed whenever the Browns play the Titans where the forecast calls for near zero for the score and interest in the game.

The temperature could be near zero for Sunday’s wild card playoff game between the Vikings and Seahawks in Minnesota. At least if that happens Tom Brady won’t be called out for deflating the thermometer.

A study says that late night snacking could hurt a person’s memory. Which may be a good thing because they won’t become depressed thinking about the days when they remember not being morbidly obese.

New vaginal speakers allow women to play music for their fetus. What’s even better is if the woman is carrying twins they can now put in another speaker and have stereo.

New vaginal speakers allow women to play music for their fetus. Although it is a bit awkward when they try to put a pair of headphones up there as well to help keep the noise down a bit.

Researchers say that smartphones can make some people hallucinate to think their phones are vibrating with a message. Which is the equivalent of back in the days of the rotary phones when people would sit by the phone waiting for the call that never comes.

Researchers say that smartphones can make some people hallucinate to think their phones are vibrating with a message. Or maybe they are hallucinating because they have been up 48 straight hours because they can’t put down their cellphone.

Twitter is considering expanding the limit on tweets from 140 characters up to 10,000. It’s for Twitter users over 65 who need that much space to get through all of their long winded, rambling stories with no point. (Like this joke)

Bernie Sanders is calling for breaking up the country’s biggest banks. That could change if they agree to new regulations, are more open about their operations and start donating money to his campaign.

A futuristic concept car is being described as a rolling smartphone. Which is pretty much what any car on the road can be called anymore, except the ones that aren’t rolling because the driver was texting while driving and rolled head on into a tree.

The world’s five wealthiest people lost $8.7 Billion on Monday’s stock selloff. The five were reportedly very upset, mostly because it happened after the New Year so they will have to wait until next year’s tax return to make even more money on the write-off.

A TV set that rolls up like a newspaper is being unveiled at the Consumer Electronics Show. Which will be handy when TV inevitably finally goes the way of the newspaper and it can be just tossed in the garbage as well.

A study says that the expansion of Medicaid is helping people get access to health care. The only problem is traveling the 150 miles to get to the closest doctor’s office that accepts Medicaid.

A study says that the expansion of Medicaid is helping people get access to health care. Mostly for people who have health insurance but don’t want to deal with two years of being harassed by bill collectors when they can’t afford the deductibles and co-pays.

Utah is weighing offering a gun safety course to middle school students. Or as a teenager who doesn’t have their own gun or has never even shot one is known in Utah, “a newcomer.”

Utah is weighing offering a gun safety course to middle school students. Which is no surprise in a state where the 3 R’s are Remington Repeating Rifle.

China has relaxed its two child policy to where couples will not need government approval. The move will reduce pressure on an aging population, prevent infanticide and because Nike needs workers for several more factories in the Beijing area.

Requests for concealed carry permits in South Dakota are up 21% in the past year. Mostly because during a typical South Dakota winter the only way to carry a gun is concealed under four layers of shirts and three layers of heavy coats.

A plan to build a 102 story skyscraper in Seattle has been rejected. No reason was given but it is pretty much a given it wasn’t because it would block out anyone’s sunshine.

Amazon says that Cyber Monday shoppers ordered 23 Million items online. Which means that 8 Million have been returned, 10 Million are still bewildering the buyers trying to assemble them out of the box and the other 5 Million are already in the trash.

U.S. auto sales reached a record 17.5 Million in 2015. Chrysler sold 2.2 Million vehicles, mostly in order to replace the 2.2 Million that were bought in 2014 that have already ended up in the junkyard.

U.S. auto sales reached a record 17.5 Million in 2015. Mostly car owners who needed a backup vehicle to use because the cars they bought in 2014 are still in the shop on a recall.

The San Diego Chargers, St. Louis Rams and Oakland Raiders have all applied to move their teams to L.A. The bad news for L.A. football fans is that the combined wins of all three teams are still not enough to send any one of them into the playoffs.

Wendy’s has pledged to use cage free eggs by 2020. Apparently Wendy was tired of looking over her shoulder constantly knowing she was on the chickens’ most wanted list right next to Colonel Sanders.

A report says that a war between Saudi Arabia and Iran could make oil prices skyrocket. Most political experts were not concerned. Do either of those countries even have a military?

A report says that a war between Saudi Arabia and Iran could make oil prices skyrocket. Which was welcome news to oil executives who are getting tired of relying on making the U.S. military start wars to push oil prices up.

A report says a record number of brokers were barred or suspended from Wall Street in 2015. That broke the old record of pretty much zero.

A study says that 1 in 5 Americans with health insurance are having trouble paying their medical bills. The other 4 won’t even go to see a doctor until they can save enough money to keep from being canceled because of their overdue health plan premiums.

A Pennsylvania company has been fined for requiring workers to clock out to take a bathroom break. Apparently the company now figures they can still save money by issuing all their employees an unlimited supply of Depends.

Lumosity has been fined $2 Million for deceptive ads saying their games would improve brain performance. The sad news is that the way for people to tell if they needed to improve their brain function is if they were gullible enough to buy it in the first place.

A report says that commercial aviation had its safest year on record in 2015. Mostly because United Airlines is still waiting for half of its flights to finish the trips they started back in 2014.

A report says that commercial aviation had its safest year on record in 2015. Mostly because the FAA doesn’t count as casualties any of the passengers who feel like they got mugged every time they leave a flight with no cash left in their wallets.

A survey says that half of all Americans are unprepared for sudden financial need. The other half have considered sudden financial need pretty much their way of life since 2008.

A survey says that half of all Americans are unprepared for sudden financial need. The other half are even more unprepared as to what to do with money if they ever actually get some.

President Obama says the U.S. has become “numb” to gun violence. Although most Americans have become pretty much numb to everything after realizing they will have to listen to another ten months of candidates campaigning for the 2016 election.

A study says that a rule to prevent tarmac delays actually causes more problems with airlines canceling flights instead of risking a fine. Except for United Airlines which is so far behind schedule that the only way they actually can ever be accused of a flight delay is when they are actually on time.

A study says that aspirin may prevent death from prostate cancer. The worst part is taking the aspirin not with a glass of water but with a jar of Vaseline.

A study says that having strong social connections is linked to better health. Which is pretty much bad news for anyone reading this who is standing in line to see the new “Star Wars” movie.

Some employers are now offering health plans that provide lump sum payments for critical illnesses. Mostly just enough to cover the employees’ funeral expenses.

The DASH diet has been rated as the best diet for the 6th straight year. Which is not to be confused with people whose diet consists of eating at Taco Bell after which they have to make a dash to the bathroom.

The DASH diet, based on eating fruit, vegetables and grain has been rated as the best diet for the 6th straight year. If you are a horse.

A mobster from the family that was the model of “The Sopranos” has been sentenced to six years in prison. Ironically, even though he was the model for “The Sopranos” he took the rap because he refused to sing.

Kim Kardashian has released the first pictures of her son Saint West a month after his birth. Apparently it took that long because she wanted to guard his privacy, give her some personal time with him and most importantly line up sponsors for the photo shoot.

Baseball players Ryan Zimmerman of the Nationals and Ryan Howard of the Phillies are suing Al Jazeera for defamation in claiming they used steroids. Howard is claiming even more defamation in their divulging him as playing for the Phillies.

The San Francisco 49ers will pay fired coach Jim Tomsula his entire four year contract of $14 Million after just one season where the team went 5-11. Apparently the team should have reread the clause that says he would get full payment if he finished with the best record in the Bay Area.

Qualcomm has a new chip that will reportedly turn cars into theaters on wheels with four HD displays and a digital dashboard. Which sounds more like a way to turn cars into coffins on wheels.

Kia says they are aiming for a self-driving car by 2030. Which will really help sales by opening up the market for all the people who swore they would never be seen driving a Kia.

Kodak has announced a new Super 8mm camera. Which is great news for anyone still living in 1963.

Kodak has announced a new Super 8mm camera. Which would really be a nice conversation piece, especially for people who display it in their home right next to the phonograph, VHS player and rotary phone.

Online dating sites say that the new year brings in a surge of new business. Mostly people who think they will find love just like they are going to lose weight and keep their New Year’s resolution.

Online dating sites say that the new year brings in a surge of new business. Mostly people who want to find someone while they are sober so they don’t end up with anything like what they woke up with next to them on New Year’s morning.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! While the online dating sites are getting business from people looking for love, you don’t have that problem. Just remember this is the place where anytime you can feel free to take the time to always send the love!

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