Tuesday, January 05, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Mark Zuckerberg says his resolution for 2016 is to build a robot that helps with his work, looks after his house and keeps tabs on his newborn child. Which means he is admitting that with his daughter born in November, he is already overwhelmed with the chores of being a father after just two months.

Mark Zuckerberg says his resolution for 2016 is to build a robot that helps with his work, looks after his house and keeps tabs on his newborn child. Apparently the request came from his wife who saw what having a domestic staff of people did to Arnold Schwarzenegger.

A study reveals why women suffer from broken heart syndrome. Apparently it has something to do with having to deal with men their entire lives.

A caricature artist in Orlando has been arrested for stabbing a coworker. Which finally disproves the saying that the pen is mightier than the sword.

A caricature artist in Orlando has been arrested for stabbing a coworker. Authorities should have known there would be trouble when he kept drawing himself as O.J. Simpson and his coworker as Julius Caesar.

A Domino’s Pizza delivery person in California reportedly stabbed a customer over a late order. Which means that is probably the last time that customer ever gets a late delivery and demands a free slice.

A Domino’s Pizza delivery person in California reportedly stabbed a customer over a late order. The good news is that the ambulance driver took more than a half hour to get the victim to the hospital so late so the trip to the ER was free.

Chris Christie says his new strategy for the Iowa caucus is to beat Jeb Bush. Which is like an NFL team stating its goal for the season is to get past Cleveland.

Chris Christie says his new strategy for the Iowa caucus is to beat Jeb Bush. Apparently he figures once he gets past that 2% popularity mark, the only way to go is up.

The world’s first “smart bra” is being introduced at the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas. Although only a bra gets called smart when it earns a grade of “D” over an “A.”

The world’s first “smart bra” is being introduced at the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas. Which is ironic in that a bra can be smart while covering something that makes men act so dumb.

The world’s first “smart bra” is being introduced at the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas. Apparently it is considered smart for being able to explain what a bra is for to most of the attendants at the CES who have never seen one before.

A newspaper article is painting Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos as a “Bond villain” who has an insatiable lust for money. Which he has managed to achieve by catering to Americans’ insatiable lust for buying cheap crap online.

Health officials say the average five year old American child eats their weight in sugar each year. Which is why the way to figure out their weight next year is to take this year’s weight and cube it.

Health officials say the average five year old American child eats their weight in sugar each year. Which is good news in that it leaves that little room for them to eat as much in fat and salt.

A study says the U.S. education system is not serving most gifted kids. The study says that won’t happen until someone finally invents wedgie proof underwear.

A study says the U.S. education system is not serving most gifted kids. Mostly because we ignore the smartest kids by insisting our schools teach only in English.

A survey says that 8 in 10 Americans support religious freedom for their own beliefs. The other 2 were unable to participate in the polling because they were in the middle of going through an exorcism.

A group of Christian pharmacists are trying to appeal a ruling taking away their ability to use religious conscience in their work. The pharmaceutical industry is famous for their religion as they love to worship anything with the phrase “In God We Trust.”

GM is investing $500 Million with ride sharing site Lyft to develop a fleet of on-demand self driving cars. Mostly so all their vehicles can go by themselves without needing a driver every other week when GM announces its latest recall.

Iran and Saudi Arabia have severed diplomatic ties over sectarian tension. Middle East experts were shocked. Iran had diplomatic relations with another country?

Microsoft says that Windows 10 is now running 200 Million devices. Or as most people call their computer, phone or tablet powered by Windows 10, “a paperweight.”

Microsoft says that Windows 10 is now running 200 Million devices. Which means it is now operating as many devices as Windows Vista, give or take 200 Million.

Donald Trump’s first political ad reportedly contains a major error, showing Morocco when referring to Mexico. Although most Americans say the commercial has an even bigger error in that it is asking them to vote for Donald Trump.

Donald Trump’s first political ad reportedly contains a major error, showing Morocco when referring to Mexico. Although Trump says that wasn’t a mistake as his immigration plan calls for anyone sneaking in across the Mexico border to be shipped to Morocco.

The stock market had its worst opening day in 84 years, losing 400 points. Which is at least better than back in 2008 when investors were wishing the Dow would make it back up to 400.

Chick-fil-A has closed its New York City location because of health violations. How bad is it for a restaurant when even the street food vendors in Manhattan are running a cleaner business?

Chick-fil-A has closed its New York City location because of health violations. Which means only one thing. Chick-fil-A is trying to compete and take away all the business from the area Taco Bells.

New York State University workers will get a minimum wage raise to $15 an hour. Which is good news for the workers who will now be paid as much or even more than most of the students at the colleges who are getting ready to graduate.

Oregon tops the list as most popular state to move to for the third straight year. Mostly people sneaking in across the Mexico border who are chased by immigration agents who don’t give up until they are all the way through California.

A report says that consumers spent an average of $99 a day in December, which was up from the $92 a day in November. Which is good news in that Americans were at least able to scrape up a whole $7 to use for all their Christmas shopping.

A poll says that the government was named the top problem by Americans for the second straight year. Which brings up the question as what could have been possibly worse than our government three years ago?

A poll says that the government was named the top problem by Americans for the second straight year. And with Donald Trump leading the polls for President, it looks like we are on track for the same results over the next four years.

A report says that healthier school lunches are working. Mostly because the kids are losing weight because they can’t eat anything that isn’t made up mostly of sugar, salt or fat.

A new law allows women in Oregon to buy birth control over-the-counter. Which is good news for women who risk getting pregnant every time they drink themselves under the table.

Congress has repealed a law that requires retailers to include the animal’s country of origin on red meat. Which still isn’t as bad as Taco Bell which still gets away without listing the species of animals that go into its meat.

Congress has repealed a law that requires retailers to include the animal’s country of origin on red meat. Which has people upset, especially when they can’t be sure if the donkey and fox meat that is being sold as beef comes from Korea or China.

U.S. Health and Human Services says that insomnia is more common with women than with men. Especially the women whose husbands keep making too much noise and wake them up every night when they are sneaking back into the house at 3:00 AM.

Patti LaBelle is launching a new line of cakes. No word yet on if there are any other flavors available other than marmalade.

“The Meredith Vieira Show” is being canceled after two years. TV Critics were surprised. Meredith Vieira had a show?

Laurie Anderson gave a concert in New York City for dogs only. The same idea was proposed by Justin Bieber although it was canceled as authorities threatened to arrest him for cruelty to animals.

Laurie Anderson gave a concert in New York City for dogs only. Although it turned out to be a bit of a problem when all the romantic songs she sang resulted in widespread butt sniffing and humping.

Laurie Anderson gave a concert in New York City for dogs only. The only problem was the dogs said that they could barely hear her because she kept singing in a pitch seven octaves too low.

Phoenix Suns owner Robert Sarver ripped into the “Millennial culture” for his team’s poor performance. Or as most people in Phoenix call Millennials, their grandchildren.

A 100 megapixel camera is selling for $49,000. Although it already has one buyer in Kim Kardashian in that it is the only camera she has found that can fit her entire backside into one frame.

After a tough year in 2015, tech sales are expected to fall again in 2016. Mostly because people don’t have any money to spend on new gadgets after being fired for spending their entire day at the office looking at cat videos on their iPhones.

A new Wi-Fi thermometer takes temperatures off a person’s forehead. But with a cost of $100, people can still get the same sensation they did with their old rectal thermometer.

The Periodic Table has gained four new elements. When asked how often they get new elements added to the list, physicists say it happens periodically.

A study says that male bass in the northeast are experiencing sex changes. Experts say they can tell when a bass has gone through a sex change when it goes from being a bass to a soprano.

Mark Zuckerberg and his wife have made a $75 Million donation to San Francisco General Hospital. Although it turns out it wasn’t actually a donation but they don’t have health insurance and were just paying off the maternity bill for the birth of their daughter.

Recent predictions say that Donald Trump’s odds for getting the Republican nomination are slipping. Apparently there appears to be a direct correlation to a drop in his numbers with the number of times he opens his mouth.

John Kasich said that he had not heard about the armed protesters who were staging a standoff against the government in Oregon. Which was no big deal since the protesters said they have never heard about John Kasich.

A new cologne is said to be inspired by Russian President Vladimir Putin. Although the last thing a man wants to hear is his date saying he smells like he’s been “Putin.”

Donald Trump has picked the New England Patriots to win the Super Bowl. Although even Tom Brady has no chance when it comes to trying to deflate Trump’s ego.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Now that we are almost a week into the New Year, the big question I have is how many of you have already given up on your resolutions? I know that mine of writing funny jokes is already done. It was a sweet two days worth of effort, though. That just means we have 360 days now to think about our resolutions for 2017. Which also leaves plenty of time in between to also make sure to remember to keep on sending the love!

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