Sunday, January 31, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A new technique reportedly allows scientists to read people’s minds at the speed of thought. Apparently it was discovered at the Republican presidential debates where researchers found it was pretty much the complete opposite of what they were saying.

Facebook is ending private gun sales on its site. Apparently they are worried about any online disputes and are trying to draw the line at just unfriending.

Vitamin C showers and other health amenities are becoming trends at upscale hotels. Less posh establishments like Super 8 are trying to get in on it by giving customers a grapefruit rind to wear on their head while they take a bath.

A military court is confronting sexual activity by HIV positive troops. Apparently the soldiers will be required to watch a private screening of Charlie Sheen’s performance in “Platoon.”

American Airlines was forced to ground two planes after a mystery illness hit the passengers and crew. Using aviation precedence, the first question asked anyone feeling ill was whether they ate the chicken or the fish. (If you don’t get this one, watch the movie “Airplane!” If you do get it watch the movie anyways because it is awesome.)

The LAPD is warning people that in the event of an emergency they may have to wait for assistance. Police say they are bogged down by lower budgets, a cut in the size of the force and longer lines at the local Dunkin’ Donuts.

A study says that college students spend one fifth of their time on their smartphones instead of learning. The other four fifths are spend on their tablets, laptops or video game consoles.

A study says that an obsession with selfies can ruin relationships. Which explains why Kim Kardashian is already on husband number three.

President Obama has called for $4 Billion to be spent on helping to pay for computer science education in schools. Mostly to help with the poor and underprivileged who sacrifice so much for technology like Mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates and Jeff Bezos.

President Obama has called for $4 Billion to be spent on helping to pay for computer science education in schools. Apparently it is so bad there are teenagers who still can’t perform simple tasks like googling the best free porn sites.

15 years into the War in Afghanistan, reports of violence are on the rise, the Taliban is staging new offenses and peace prospects are dim. In other words, things are finally getting back to normal.

The NFL reports that concussions were up 58% in 2015. And that doesn’t even include the number of times Johnny Manziel woke up wondering where he was.

The NFL reports that concussions were up 58% in 2015. And that doesn’t even include St. Louis Rams fans who wonder where their team went this time.

The NFL reports that concussions were up 58% in 2015. Which doesn’t even include Cleveland Browns fans who have headaches from constantly hitting their heads against the wall.

The CIA has released hundreds of documents of UFO sightings dating back to the 1940s and 1950s looking at possible alien life. That was before they found the most likely vehicle transporting aliens into the U.S. is in the trunk of a 1985 Chevy.

A report says the Detroit Pistons have lost 30% of their fan base in the past decade. And that’s just from the people in Flint who have been drinking tap water and can’t remember the names of any local teams.

A report says the Detroit Pistons have lost 30% of their fan base in the past decade. Which could improve if they would start winning more than 30% of their games.

The FTC says that ID theft went up 47% in 2015. The weird part is that most of the complaints were filed by someone named John Doe.

The FTC says that ID theft went up 47% in 2015. The other 53% were safe because they don’t have a credit rating worth bothering to try to steal.

An education data site has put together a “clock” showing student loan debt is growing by $2,726 every second. Which members of Congress are mocking, telling the students to just watch how the pros do it piling up a national debt at more than $31,000 a second.

Toyota says it may halt its Japanese car output in February because of a steel shortage. The good news is that Kia says there will be no cuts in their production as long as there is still a plentiful supply of plastic, fiberglass and styrofoam.

PayPal is targeting Millennial shoppers with an “easy payment” plan over time. Which means your smartphone will not only provide Millennials with a way to get information and communicate with others, it will now also help those looking for a way to go hopelessly in debt.

PayPal is targeting Millennial shoppers with an “easy payment” plan over time. The phones will make buying large ticket items easier, remind users when the payment is due, and alert the thugs from the collection agency where the deadbeat is through GPS.

A study says that nearly all smartphone users under the age of 25 text using emojis. Mostly because they can’t spell actual words because they spent their entire time in school looking at their smartphone.

United Airlines has called in all 12,000 of its pilots for extra training. Apparently they want to make sure that in case one of their flights is not canceled or delayed so long everyone books on another airline that their pilots know how to actually fly a plane.

A report says that a student’s college major has a big influence on their job potential after graduation. Which was already common knowledge for parents of children who have a philosophy degree hanging on the wall next to their McDonald’s uniform.

GM is proposing a new strategy to redesign cars less frequently to cut costs. The bad news is that means Chevrolet may go back into their files and build the 2016 Camaro look just like a 1977 Vega.

GM is proposing a new strategy to redesign cars less frequently to cut costs. The one exception would be to redesign the Chevy Sonic to not look so much like a Chevy Sonic.

MasterCard beat its profit estimate in the fourth quarter because of higher consumer card spending. Which means when making up a business model, never underestimate the ability to make money on the willingness of people to go hopelessly in debt.

A lung irritating chemical has reportedly been found in e-cigarettes. Which is still nowhere near as irritating as the people who think they are cool because they are constantly inhaling on their e-cigarettes.

A report says that the heartburn drugs like Prilosec which is advertised by comedian Larry the Cable Guy can cause health problems. The worst part is that most people need the drug for indigestion after watching “Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector.”

A study says that boys can also be victims of dating violence. Especially if they are caught out with the girlfriend of the captain of their high school football team.

A study says that boys can also be victims of dating violence. Which is why Tiger Woods has sworn to never teach another woman how to swing a 9 Iron.

A town in Italy had its first birth since 1987. Which coincidentally was the same year they closed down the town’s drive-in movie theater.

Kate Winslet has opened up about her incontinence. Which apparently started when she realized that the only thing keeping her from falling off the bow of the Titanic was Leonardo DiCaprio’s biceps.

A report by the WHO says that 10 Million African children are now obese or overweight. Which means all those Band Aid concerts to end hunger in Africa back in the 1980s must have actually worked a little too well.

The outbreak of Zika, an illness that can affect pregnant women is reportedly being linked to major sporting events. It’s the first pregnancy crisis associated with sports that hasn’t involved the NBA.

David Bowie reportedly left the bulk of his estate to his two children and his widow. However, the will has to go through probate still to make sure he didn’t make any last minute ch-ch-ch-ch-changes.

Fox News Channel was announced 20 years ago. Which means in less than two decades they will singlehandedly have completely destroyed the country the minute Donald Trump takes the presidential oath of office.

Maria Carey has opened up about her fiancee James Packer, saying “he’s an exceptional person.” Now if that isn’t a statement of true love that has come straight from the heart, what is?

Maria Carey has opened up about her fiancee James Packer, saying “he’s an exceptional person.” In other words, her attorneys are telling her before she gets a marriage license she had better make sure to sign the prenup.

Last week’s GOP debate was the second highest rated show ever on Fox News. The first was a special report on the proper body armor to wear when invited to go hunting with Dick Cheney.

Last week’s GOP debate was the second highest rated show ever on Fox News. The first was a tie between all the programs ever shown on Fox featuring Donald Trump.

Former “Real Housewives of New Jersey” star Danielle Staub says she is breaking her silence to write a tell all book. People were shocked. When did any of the “Real Housewives” stars ever show any knowledge of the meaning of the word “silence”?

Tom Hanks has topped a poll of favorite U.S. movie stars. He has what it takes to be a top marquee draw and Oscar winner: He’s is talented, approachable and most importantly, white.

The Academy has vowed to double the number of minority and women members in the organization by 2020. They also say they will double the minority nominations for Oscars next year, which will be easy since double this year’s will still be zero.

Concussion doctor Bennet Omalu says he will “bet his license” O.J. Simpson has CTE. Everyone already knew that, only with the meaning Cutup The Ex-wife.

Concussion doctor Bennet Omalu says he will “bet his license” O.J. Simpson has CTE. He should be careful and look at what happened to the last two people who bet their careers against O.J. Simpson. Marcia Clark and Chris Darden.

A $30 disk indicates if dishes in the dishwasher are clean or dirty. Which is a $30 savings for all the single men who have never eaten a meal off anything other than a paper plate.

A $30 disk indicates if dishes in the dishwasher are clean or dirty. Or there is the cheaper alternative version called opening the door and looking at the dishes.

An ancient tablet shows that Babylonians used calculus to track the planets. The advanced math enabled their scientists to determine the movement of the planets to see if they were fast enough to avoid being eaten by the constellations that were chasing them across the sky.

A study says that dogs may have evolved to be able to handle the tempers of humans. That came after the last evolution where dogs in Korea developed four legs to be fast enough to keep from becoming lunch.

A study says that dogs may have evolved to be able to handle the tempers of humans. Which no longer became a necessity for the dogs that were able to evolve into becoming pit bulls.

The east coast snow storm caused a jump in online dating activity. Mostly men who figured this was the one opportunity where they could get away with a date that just involved paying for a pizza and downloading a movie at home.

A German teen was arrested for illegally climbing the Great Pyramid of Giza. Teenagers around the world were confused. Why didn’t he just do it like everyone else and climb the Pyramid on level three of “The Mummy” video game series?

A report says that coyotes in California that are staring down motorists on the highways may be high from eating mushrooms. Who knew that there could be anything as bad as running into a coyote on peyote?

A report says coyotes in California that are staring down motorists on the highways may be high from eating mushrooms. Although when people heard of scavengers that live in a den and are always high, they thought they were talking about college freshmen.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Next week is the Super Bowl. Well, that’s enough hype about that from me. I will be watching the game, because someone has to see what is actually going on in between the commercials. I quit going to Super Bowl parties years ago, mostly because of the people who always have too much to drink and ruin everyone else’s good time. Which is pretty much why I am no longer invited to those parties. In the meantime we still have a few days to go before the hype is over and the hangovers kick in, which gives you plenty of time to remember to make sure to send the love!

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