Friday, January 29, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Paul Kantner, a founding member of the Jefferson Airplane has died at age 74. His last words were reportedly “What happened after 1967?”

Paul Kantner, a founding member of the Jefferson Airplane has died at age 74. The funeral home says they will not have to prep the body since he ingested enough chemicals back in the ‘60s to preserve him through the next millennium.

A Norwegian woman has been living the past few years as a cat, meowing, hissing at dogs and hating water. The good news is that millions of people have been watching Youtube videos of her playing with yarn, giving a high five and walking across a piano.

A doctor’s report says that Bernie Sanders overall health is pretty good. Fortunately, at 74 and a member of the U.S. Senate he gets lots of days off and it’s not like when he is at the office he has to ever do any real work.

Mattel has released three new body shapes for Barbie Dolls, petite, tall and curvy. Critics were hoping they would release the three shapes that represent most real people. Chubby, overweight and obese.

A report lists the 50 most dangerous cities in the world, with the only one in the U.S. being New Orleans. Mostly because the Lakers don’t have a team right now that is a threat to win the NBA Championship.

A report says that the list of healthiest, happiest states is topped by Hawaii with Alaska in second. Mostly because the happiest people are the ones who are about to move out of Alaska to live in Hawaii.

A new French perfume reportedly helps people lose weight. Mostly by taking away their appetite by making them smell like a Waffle House.

A new French perfume reportedly helps people lose weight. People were surprised. When did the French ever start using perfume?

Last weekend’s blizzard was rated as the fourth worst of all time for the northeast U.S. The ranking was based on all the emergency calls from people who were trapped and unable to get out of New Jersey.

Detroit teachers are suing the school district for “deplorable” conditions. They claim the schools are dangerous because of inadequate heating, water leaks and having to teach classrooms full of students from Detroit.

Security experts say Internet voting is too hackable at this point to be considered for elections. Apparently they feel if information sent through the Internet were reliable, there is no way that Donald Trump would be leading in all the polls.

Security experts say Internet voting is too hackable at this point to be a reality. Apparently they feel it is much more reliable to have all our government officials selected by the 10% of elderly, white and rich people who currently vote in elections.

Facebook is allowing everyone with an iPhone to livestream video. Which means not only can we see pictures of what all our friends are having for lunch, we can now see them actually wolf down the entire meal.

A survey says that 56% of Americans think their children will have it worse off than themselves financially. Especially the ones whose kids have just signed on to take out a college tuition loan.

A survey says that 56% of Americans think their children will have it worse off than themselves financially. Mostly because they are going to leave them with the mountain of debt they have been piling up since they lost their job and home in 2008.

A survey says that 56% of Americans think their children will have it worse off than themselves financially. The other 44% say fortunately for their kids, at this point it would be hard for their kids to find a way to be worse off than their parents.

Shaquille O’Neal is set to have his own statue placed in front of the Staples Center in L.A. he only problem is that it is planned to be life size so a light will have to be placed on top to divert low flying aircraft.

A survey says that only 20 states mandate high school students take a course on economics. The other 30 are afraid of discouraging them from going to college when they find out how long it will take them to pay off all their tuition loans.

A survey says that only 20 states mandate high school students take a course on economics. The worst part is that the reason the other 30 don’t require it is because they don’t have the money to pay for the courses because of the economy.

The Census Bureau says that home ownership in the U.S. is down to 63.7%, the lowest since the 1990s. The sad part is the ‘90s is when the other 36.3% bought their homes but were foreclosed in 2008.

The CEO of Takata will reportedly offer his resignation after even more of his company’s airbags were recalled. The worst part for him is going to be when he resigns and his golden parachute fails to deploy.

A 30 mile trip to the airport using ride sharing site Uber cost a Virginia woman $640. The sad part is that was the money she was carrying to use to check her luggage, confirm a seat and have a sandwich and a soft drink on her flight.

A report says that only 46% of concert tickets are reserved for the public. Which is no big deal for Justin Bieber who never sells out more than 14% of the available seats.

A study says that girls may be just like their moms when it comes to mood disorders. Which dads have known for years but have been smart enough to know to never actually bring it up.

A study says there is a limit to the number of calories that can be burned through exercise. Especially when the exercise is a daily walk to the closest Krispy Kreme shop.

A government report says most people don’t bring up memory trouble during a routine check up with their doctor. It doesn’t really become a problem until the person realizes they meant to do it but forgot.

A poll says that most people are satisfied with their health plan. Which any more is trying to eat well, exercise some and just try to make it to 65 to qualify for Medicare.

A study says that some fruits and vegetables may aid in weight control. Which researchers say they will be able to confirm as soon as they find anyone who actually eats some fruits and vegetables.

A study says that step training to improve the gait and balance in the elderly may prevent some falls. The only problem is figuring out how to tell grandma and grandpa that it is time to take them to their walking lesson.

A drink called “Dewshine” that mixes racing fuel with Mountain Dew reportedly killed two teenagers in Tennessee. The only way it would have killed them any faster is if they drank the Mountain Dew straight.

Kevin Hart has been named as a presenter at this year’s Oscars. Coincidentally, he has also been nominated as Best Short Subject.

Whoopi Goldberg, Kevin Hart and Pharrell Williams will be on the stage this year as Oscar presenters. They were chosen because since they are black they don’t have to worry about being announced as one of the winners.

Leonardo DiCaprio met with Pope Francis I. DiCaprio told him about his latest movie where he plays a man who is betrayed by friends and left to die but is revived and gets final justice. To which the Pope said “I didn’t know they still made movies about Jesus.”

Mean Joe Greene and the boy from the famous Coke ad reunited after 40 years. If the commercial were shot today, the boy would take the jersey that Greene tossed to him and immediately put it up for auction on eBay.

President Obama says Oscar diversity should be about everyone getting a fair shot. We will know that has been achieved the day that Adam Sandler actually gets a nomination.

Mattel has brought out a new Barbie in three new shapes along with seven different skin tones. Although only two of the available skin tones will actually be Oscar eligible.

Mattel has brought out a new Barbie in three new shapes along with seven different skin tones. Although things haven’t changed that much as those skin tones are pasty, pale, fair, alabaster, white, tan and sunburn red.

The Oakland Raiders are reportedly considering a move to Las Vegas. Which would be great news for their fans who would be able to go to home games where at least 14 of their typical game day activities would now be considered legal.

GM is reportedly forming a team to speed up development of self-driving cars. Which is different from what people now associate with a GM self-driving car which is one that is being pulled around by a tow truck.

A study says that if cars were equipped with forward collision warning and automatic braking systems it would cut back the number of accidents by 40%. The other 60% would be eliminated if people would put down their cellphones when they are driving.

Google paid $12,000 to a Massachusetts man who owned the rights to google.com for about a minute. Apparently the company came up with the amount of $12,000 a minute since he was technically their CEO for that time and should be paid like one.

Scientists have given a new lease on life to a nearly extinct Hawaiian crow. Which has pretty much undone decades of work by Hawaiian farmers to finally get rid of all the crows.

Xerox is reportedly planning to split into two companies. Ironically, the new company will end up looking exactly identical to the other.

A report says that Circuit City may make a comeback with thousands of stores opening in the next five years. The owners say with a little luck and hard work they could become the new RadioShack.

A report says that Circuit City may make a comeback with thousands of stores opening in the next five years. The store will make changes to prevent what caused them to go out of business before, meaning a better paid staff, more selections and no returns on TVs bought before the Super Bowl.

A sonic boom reportedly shook most of New Jersey on Thursday. Scientists say it was either a fighter jet, experimental aircraft or Chris Christie having stomach issues after eating lunch at Taco Bell.

A report says that interest in smartphones is flattening with sales starting to fall. Apparently there is a new fad that people are trying instead, called “personal face to face conversation.”

An experiment on the International Space Station shows that fungi can survive on Mars. Which means that astronauts who want to colonize the planet will know that life there will consist of eating mushrooms and having perpetual athlete’s foot.

An analysis says that paying off a $2,000 credit card balance with the minimum payment will take just over 30 years. Which is no big deal since is is still faster than most people will pay off their Christmas shopping, mortgage or student loans.

A new concept plane will reportedly be able to fly from New York to London in 11 minutes. Which including travel time to JFK and Heathrow would make the time for the entire trip just under five hours.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! As mentioned earlier, very sad news from the music world with the passing of Paul Kantner. As a founding member of the Jefferson Airplane he was at the forefront of the Summer of Love which completely threw the music world on its head. They led the way to some of the greatest music to come out of the 1960s which in my opinion is the best decade ever for music. I know some of you are still clinging to the 1780s when Mozart was really rocking it, but I think we can all agree anything was better than the 1970s. In any event, a rock legend has passed and I hope you all remember the accomplishments of Paul Kantner when you sit down as usual to make sure and send the love!

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