Thursday, January 28, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

College students across the country will attend a four day “white privilege” conference. Those who can’t attend will just have to continue the alternative white privilege gatherings known as going to college.

Scientists have brought back a cousin of the zebra that has been extinct for 100 years. It was the first successful attempt at reviving an extinct species since McDonald’s brought back the McRibs sandwich.

An Idaho man who legally changed his name to Santa Claus was arrested for DUI. Apparently he was arrested when police thought he left his flashers on and found out it was just Rudolph passed out in the back seat.

An Idaho man who legally changed his name to Santa Claus was arrested for DUI. This was one time where it wasn’t a reindeer who had the nickname “Blitzin’.”

A poll says that 83% of conservatives won’t watch tonight’s Republican presidential debate without Donald Trump. The other 17% will tune in to finally be able to hear what some of the other candidates have to say.

Google says it will make a smartphone that will be able to recognize faces. Which you think they would already be able to do with the amount of time most people spend staring into their cellphone screen all day.

Qatar Airways is planning the longest direct flight from Doha to Auckland which will take more than 18 hours. Or as United Airlines calls an 18 hour journey, getting from the gate to the tarmac.

Qatar Airways is planning the longest direct flight from Doha to Auckland which will take more than 18 hours. Passengers aren’t concerned so much about the price of tickets as they are the $600 cash they will need to pay for food, and drinks and a blanket inflight.

A Google computer has beaten a human player at a 2,500 year old Chinese board game called Go. Which is nothing compared to Apple beating everyone at the real life board game of Monopoly.

A Google computer has beaten a human player at a 2,500 year old Chinese board game called Go. The next challenge is for some third graders to try and teach Watson how to play hopscotch.

Super Bowl 50 security will feature fighter jets, helicopters and K-9 teams. Or as Bay Area football fans call such extreme measures for protection, a regular season Raiders game.

A report says that more U.S. shoppers are buying “natural” foods. Apparently people want to do away with artificial ingredients and have only the real thing when it comes to the sugar, fat and salt content in their meals.

A report says that more U.S. shoppers are buying “natural” foods. Which for most people means buying food in cans that are made of real aluminum and tin.

A report says that more U.S. shoppers are buying “natural” foods. Which means anything that doesn’t come in a wrapper that says “Taco Bell.”

A survey says that teens and adults are turning more to Internet porn because real sex has become too risky. And technology has made it a lot easier to just turn off the computer rather than having to stash copies of porn magazines all over the house.

Donald Trump called Brussels, Belgium a “hell hole.” Mostly because there is not one building in the downtown area with a large sign saying “Trump.”

Scientists say they are closer to finding the cause of schizophrenia. They would have had it already but can only work on it late at night in a hidden location to get away from the people trying to steal it from them.

A list of the most corrupt nations shows that 151 countries were rated ahead of the U.S.  To which members of Congress were embarrassed, saying they need to work harder with their lobbyists to make sure that never happens again.

A Spanish bullfighter is being criticized for taking his five month old daughter into the ring during practice. Apparently people are upset because “Take your daughter to work” day isn’t supposed to be until April.

A Spanish bullfighter is being criticized for taking his five month old daughter into the ring during practice. Which at least was different from the criticism he usually takes for having a job killing bulls in front of an audience.

A study says that the more risk in a politician’s investment portfolio, the more likely they are to be corrupt. Which explains why Bill Clinton’s investment account is just full of pictures and phone numbers of women he has met on the campaign trail.

A study says that the more risk in a politician’s investment portfolio, the more likely they are to be corrupt. Which means that none of the presidential candidates should be trusted if they have any money at all invested with The Trump Organization.

The Federal Reserve says the U.S. economy slowed down at the end of 2015. Which is a good thing if it meant we weren’t going in reverse quite as fast.

Kalashnikov is set to open an AK-47 factory in Florida. Which is like opening a McDonald’s in the middle of a hospital’s cardiac care wing.

Apple’s CEO is warning of “unprecedented extreme conditions” with the global economy. Mostly in that this time it is China and not the U.S. taking down the rest of the world with them.

A tweet by Oprah Winfrey caused Weight Watchers stock to rise 23% in one day. Which is exactly how much Oprah’s weight will go back up the minute she cashes out and unloads all her Weight Watchers stock.

Facebook says five new reaction buttons will be available in the next few weeks. They will include angry, sad, wow, love and haha. Which are exactly the same emotions most people feel while watching the Republican presidential debates.

Wendy’s is warning customers about “unusual activity” on some credit cards used at its restaurants. Instead of the usual charges by customers for the cardiologist, weight loss clinic and insulin.

Wendy’s is warning customers about “unusual activity” on some credit cards used at its restaurants. Which is good for men who can blame all those charges for motels, flowers and expensive dinners on some hacker.

A study says that doctors who have been sued for malpractice are likely to get sued again. Mostly from lawyers who have a strong loyalty as returning customers.

A study says that doctors who have been sued for malpractice are likely to get sued again. Although the ones to really watch for are the doctors who have calendars, knick knacks and other gifts sent to them by the local funeral homes.

New wearable technology will be able to analyze the wearer’s sweat to give a real-time picture of a person’s health on a molecular level. The best time to get a reading of their sweat is when it is pouring out after they get the analysis bill from their doctor.

A study says that friends and family of people who commit suicide are more at risk to attempt it themselves. But not as likely as those who can’t take any more of being locked into a “Friends and Family” account with AT&T.

A study says that modern Disney movie princesses don’t talk as much as the male characters. If a woman wants more dialogue in a movie they should just take a part opposite Matthew McConaughey who can’t ever remember any of his lines.

Donald Trump told Fox News he will “do great” without appearing at their debate. Mostly because when Trump makes a solo appearance, it pretty much just turns into a debate with himself.

Joseph Fiennes will play Michael Jackson in a British comedy. Or as having a white person play Michael Jackson is called in Hollywood, “typecasting.”

Hillary Clinton addressed the Oscars’ diversity problem, saying the Academy needs to “catch up with our reality.” What’s worse is her own reality of facing the possibility of losing to either Bernie Sanders or Donald Trump.

Patriots quarterback Tom Brady sent a hand written thank you note on Facebook to the team’s fans. Which makes it look good for his claims he didn’t deflate game footballs if he can’t even figure out how to use a keyboard to make a Facebook post.

The NFL says it will return to Roman numerals after Super Bowl 50. Although it could be a problem in four more years when it will look like number 54 is a tribute to Liv Ullmann.

Bones from a mammoth dating back 10,000 years were found underneath the end zone at Oregon State University’s Reser Stadium. There haven’t been relics that old found on a football field since Joe Paterno was still coaching.

Bones from a mammoth dating back 10,000 years were found underneath Oregon State University’s Reser Stadium. Even more amazing was researchers discovering gnaw marks on the bones matching the dental records of William “the Refrigerator” Perry.

A record 1.43 Billion smartphones were shipped in 2015. Which is ironic in that so many products with the word “smart” in their name could make us all so dumb.

Facebook stock shot up dramatically this week making Mark Zuckerberg the world’s 6th richest person. Ironically that makes him one of the few people who doesn’t have to turn to Facebook to find a large number of people wanting to be his friend.

Open subway cars connected to each other without doors may be coming to New York City by 2020. Which is good news for passengers who know that the chicken vindaloo being eaten next to them will also have to be endured by people three cars away.

A meeting next week in Orlando will crown the Cable Installer of the Year. After the competition is over, the awards will be handed out sometime between 9 and 5 the following Monday through Friday.

A report says that hackers are breaking into baby monitors and talking to infants in their cribs. The worst part is when they ask what they are wearing and the only answer they ever get is “Huggies.”

Baltimore Ravens lineman John Urschel is set to begin a math Ph.D. program at MIT. His doctoral thesis will be to try to figure out how long the NFL will have to be in existence to give the Ravens a shot at ever getting back to the Super Bowl.

Baltimore Ravens lineman John Urschel is set to begin a math Ph.D. program at MIT. Although how proficient at math can someone be who plays in a league that charts its games with Roman Numerals?

A report says that some other Republican presidential candidates may join Donald Trump in skipping the Fox News debate. Mostly because they know that even Fox will cut out of the debate to cover wherever Trump is appearing.

President Obama says the U.S. is leading the fight against anti-semitism. Now all we need to do is work against sentiments of anti-Black, anti-Hispanic, anti-immigrant, anti-women, anti-Asian...

A tomato thrower at a Donald Trump rally has been charged with disorderly conduct. Trump was angry at the news. He is supposed to be the only one at a Trump rally who is exhibiting disorderly conduct.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! If you have any questions or comments about the blog, the best way to get in touch is through my e-mail at jimbarach@hotmail.com. I always like to hear feedback and what you think about what I out out there every day. Like if any of you knew that my reference to chicken vindaloo is a tribute to one of my favorite bands, the Ramones? Sending an e-mail is also the best (and cheapest) way to keep on sending the love!

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