Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A court has upheld the punishment of two New Jersey college students for performing an exorcism on a fellow student. Apparently the judge ruled that exorcisms are only allowed on a college campus if they are done as part of fraternity hazing.

A court has upheld the punishment of two New Jersey college students for performing an exorcism on a fellow student. The judge ruled that if students want to release demons, they need to do it in the traditional college way. Keg parties.

A survey says that Americans hate their government more than ever. Especially when the government is not able to deliver their Social Security, unemployment and disability checks on time.

Home prices in four major U.S. cities have reached an all time high, mostly because of a shortage of homes on the market. That should change when the banks finally decide to sell all the homes they foreclosed on the last time this happened back in 2008.

An Uber driver reportedly pulled a gun on a passenger who warned that they might vomit in the car. Ironically, if that had happened the ride sharing car would have smelled just like a taxi.

 An Uber driver reportedly pulled a gun on a passenger who warned that they might vomit in the car. Which serves the driver right for insisting on playing a Justin Bieber CD.

Tidiness guru Marie Kondo says that people have three times more stuff than they need. Especially when it comes to debt, weight and time on their hands.

Nielsen says that 99 Million people watched the championship football games last weekend. Mostly because they represented a large part of the population, determined the Super Bowl teams and there was no “Game of Thrones” episode scheduled.

A dead gambler in Puerto Rico was embalmed and propped up at a poker table. People were just relieved that it wasn’t a game of strip poker.

A dead gambler in Puerto Rico was embalmed and propped up at a poker table. Ironically he is holding a hand of aces and eights.

A dead gambler in Puerto Rico was embalmed and propped up at a poker table. Mostly to show he is still doing better than the Puerto Rico economy.

Actor Abe Vigoda from “Barney Miller” has died at age 94. People were shocked at the news. They thought he had died back in 1983.

The President of Iran visited Italy which covered nude statues so he wouldn’t be offended. The one exception was the Venus de Milo which while partially nude is missing the arms that he assumes were hacked off because she stole something.

The President of Iran visited Italy which covered nude statues so he wouldn’t be offended. He was much more comfortable with statues that were headless, which in Iran  are called “political opponents.”

The Bulletin of Atomic Scientists has left the Doomsday Clock unchanged at three minutes until Nuclear Apocalypse. Mostly because the scientists figure nuclear war is minor compared to the threat of the world’s economy, global warming or Donald Trump.

A flu outbreak has hit an Indiana prison. It was the country’s first confirmed case of an outbreak of jailbird flu.

Tennis is planning new measures to fight allegations of match fixing. An investigation started after officials noticed suspicious betting patterns on some matches. Mostly the fact that anyone was actually betting on tennis matches.

The President of Iran met with Pope Francis I, saying that his country is “stable and safe.” After which the Pope made him say three Our Fathers and two Hail Marys for being a liar.

A report says that 54 Million Americans, one third of the work force are either free lance, self employed or subcontractors in the “gig” economy. In other words, they have made up more creative ways of saying they are delivering pizzas.

Weight Watchers stock is up after it was reported Oprah Winfrey lost 26 pounds on the program. In fact, she was even offered a job as a super model because the modeling agency mistakenly heard she now weighed 26 pounds.

A survey says the chance of a full blown U.S. recession is 18%. Which is exactly the same percentage of people who had seen their life savings fully blown back in 2008.

A survey says that American consumers are optimistic about the economy and labor market. They also believe in the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus and that a Leprechaun will lead them to a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

A report says that Michael Bloomberg could be worth as much as $48 Billion. Which is ironic in that he made all that money with a business media company that tells everyone else how much money they have lost since 2008.

A report says that Michael Bloomberg could be worth as much as $48 Billion. Which means if he decides to run for President he can boast he is five times more qualified for the position than Donald Trump.

A report says that Millennials don’t like debt and aren’t into credit cards. They also aren’t into working, doing anything besides playing video games and into leaving their parents’ basement for anything other than coming upstairs when the pizza deliverer arrives.

Twitter has appointed its first marketing officer. The first job of the new executive will be to see how much someone will pay to take the failing company off their hands.

Twitter has appointed its first marketing officer. The biggest problem will be figuring out how to convince companies to advertise on the site to Millennial users who don’t do anything other than sit around looking at and sending tweets all day.

U.S. News & World Report says the best jobs of 2016 are orthodontist and dentist. Which is great news to people who realize all they need to do is go to school for eight years and go $200,000 in debt for those careers and will get on that right away.

Researchers say there is no clear winner among aids to help people stop smoking. Although so far there is no better incentive to quit smoking than making smokers shell out $8 for each pack of cigarettes.

A medical panel is urging screenings for depression for women during and after pregnancy. Especially right about the time their child becomes a teenager.

A study says that depression in moms or dads increases the risk of having a premature baby. Especially if the dad is depressed the baby was conceived in the first place because he was the one who was premature.

A medical panel recommends all American adults should be screened for depression. Especially right after they realize their health care plan doesn’t cover the cost of their therapy.

Matthew Perry says he doesn’t remember three years of “Friends” because of drugs he was taking. The sad part is that he remembers every bit of “Mr. Sunshine,” “Go On” and “The Odd Couple.”

Matthew Perry says he doesn’t remember three years of “Friends” because of drugs he was taking. Which will make him really mad when his memory returns and he remembers that those were the three years the producers weren’t paying him.

Shaquille O’Neal says he was “paid very well” when he played at LSU. Mostly because during his college years he was at least making 57% of his free throws.

A candidate for FIFA president says the U.S. could possibly host the World Cup in 2022. He has already started the process with the traditional FIFA officials’ qualification question of “How much money you got?”

A New England Patriots fan says he doesn’t regret getting a tattoo proclaiming the Patriots as winners of the 50th Super Bowl. Although he says he will feel really dumb if he is wrong about covering his entire back with a tattoo of President Donald Trump.

The Denver Broncos won’t wear their traditional orange in Super Bowl 50. Mostly because they don’t want the team picture for the game to be confused with any of the mug shots of the Cincinnati Bengals.

Uber says it will start tracking drivers’ phones to verify riders’ complaints. Although they can’t really help with the most common complaint that passengers can’t afford their own car and have to rely on a college kid driving them around in a Prius.

A study says that social media could be cutting back on people’s sleep time. Especially for men who have to spend the night on the couch when their wife hears the phone getting a Facebook message at 3:00 in the morning.

Microsoft’s Bing has called the first four presidential primaries for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton. Although it is still behind all the other algorithms which have already called the outcome in November, picked the winner in 2020 and are working on 2024.

A study says the Venus flytrap actually calculates when it kills its prey. That’s nothing new. Restaurants have been calculating the calories, salt and fat that will eventually kill their customers for years.

Clothes testing startup Threadbare has developed a chart to help people buy the correct size T-shirt. Their method involves buying a shirt that is initially too big and to remedy it by just eating at McDonald’s for a couple of months.

A report says that hiring was up in 36 states in December. Mostly the states that have a large number of retail outlets and needed bouncers to help break up the riots that broke out during Black Friday sales.

Chris Christie has apologized for a crack about the recent snow storm saying he “got carried away.” Which shouldn’t be a surprise as getting carried away with his statements is otherwise known as his entire campaign strategy.

Maine Governor Paul LePage says the guillotine should be brought back for drug traffickers. Which would be ironic as that coke heads say the blade would be perfect for cutting up some lines.

Maine Governor Paul LePage says the guillotine should be brought back for drug traffickers. The only problem is with the people who find the only way they can make it through a Maine winter is to be completely stoned from October through April.

A Pro-Jeb Bush PAC hammered Marco Rubio for using a Florida Republican Party credit card for his personal expenses. They thought everyone knows when it comes to using party money, it should always be done with untraceable cash.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Sunday would have been the 48th birthday of my lovely wife, Karen who unfortunately passed away nearly five years ago from Cystic Fibrosis. As usual, we will have the Great Strides Walk in May which raises money for the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation which is doing a great job in fighting the illness. I will again be asking for donations and hope you will all chip in a few dollars to help a very good cause. I will have more about it in the upcoming months. It is the only money I ask for all year so I hope you will find it in your hearts to help out a little bit when we get closer to May. It is the best way any of you could ever send the love!

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