Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A survey says that 68% of Americans destroy their credit before they are 30. The only question is why anyone today under 30 is being given any credit in the first place.

A survey says that 68% of Americans destroy their credit before they are 30. It’s called “college tuition loans.”

A health expert says that childhood obesity is an “exploding nightmare.” Especially when the kids are becoming fat from eating too many meals at Taco Bell.

Ben & Jerry’s has come up with a flavor dedicated to Bernie Sanders called “Bernie’s Yearning.” Although anyone who is 74 years old gets more than a bit nervous when there is talk about putting them in the freezer.

A new DNA blood test can reportedly predict the age of suspects. Although the technology isn’t used for any cases of shoplifting at Walgreens where it is just assumed everyone is pretty much over 80.

A report says incidents of STDs in Los Angeles are soaring. Mostly from people who feel that Charlie Sheen becoming HIV positive makes a simple case of gonorrhea or syphilis seem like not such a big deal by comparison.

This week the Bulletin of Atomic Scientists will announce whether the “Doomsday Clock” will be changed from its current time of 11:57. Apparently they are waiting to see how Donald Trump and Ted Cruz fare in the Iowa caucuses.

This week the Bulletin of Atomic Scientists will announce whether the “Doomsday Clock” will be changed from its current time of 11:57. If three minutes until nuclear midnight sounds bad, just wait until we reach Daylight Saving Time.

Airlines canceled 1,600 flights with 1,200 delays Monday because of the east coast snowstorm. Or as United Airlines calls thousands of delays and cancellations, “Monday.”

Sprint says it will cut 2,500 jobs which equals 7% of its workforce to save on costs. It will also allow them to have even less maintenance with fewer employees so they can compete with the quality of service currently offered by AT&T.

A mayor in South Africa is defending his decision to offer scholarships to 16 female university students as long as they promise to remain virgins. They will lose the scholarship if they date too often, stay out too late or enroll at UNLV.

A British explorer died 30 miles short of his goal of becoming the first person to cross Antarctica alone. Apparently he could have made it if he had only listened to his mother and remembered to take a sweater.

University of Massachusetts Amherst researchers have developed a robot that can write political speeches. For Republicans it simply blames everything on President Obama.

University of Massachusetts Amherst researchers have developed a robot that can write political speeches. Apparently they got the idea back in 2000 when they listened to several speeches by Al Gore.

University of Massachusetts Amherst researchers have developed a robot that can write political speeches. For Donald Trump it just strings together several thousand random words and ends it by insulting every minority group on the planet.

A report says the east coast snow storm could cost $4.6 Billion in economic impact. It was so bad that even Democrats are starting to think that global warming may not be such a bad thing after all.

College researchers are competing for a $1 Million prize to find the key to slow the aging process. The money is being put up by universities to make sure their students live long enough to pay off their entire student loans.

Amazon says that one in six Americans have joined Amazon Prime. The other five are satisfied to do their shopping for cheap, flimsy made-in-China products at Wal-Mart. Kmart and Best Buy.

Several passengers on an American Airlines flight from Miami to Milan were injured by severe turbulence. Which is what airlines call it when fliers are held by their ankles and shaken to get all the coins they still have in their pockets after paying all the inflight fees.

CBS had the highest rated AFC Championship game in 30 years between the Patriots and Broncos. The last time CBS saw numbers that high was when Jed accidentally knocked Granny into the cement pond.

CBS had the highest rated AFC Championship game in 30 years between the Patriots and Broncos. Or as the NFL calls any viewers who watch the Patriots play, “witnesses.”

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg is back to work after taking only half his available paternity leave for the birth of his daughter. Like most men, all it took for him to get back on the job was changing three or four diapers.

Twitter has parted ways with four executives in a shakeup after the value of company shares continues to tumble. The worst part was that the executives were notified they were being fired with a tweet.

Ford says it is pulling out of Japan and Indonesia because of poor market conditions. That and the fact it is just too far for most the customers to drive to bring the cars back to the states every time there is another recall.

270 couples in China broke the world’s record for the most people doing “doga,” yoga with dogs. The only problem is that after they broke for lunch there were only 120 dogs left for the afternoon session.

The WHO says 41 Million children around the world are either overweight or obese. The good news is that after all this time we have at least apparently put an end to world hunger.

A study says that people who find it difficult to focus are usually the most intelligent. Which goes to prove that...Um, what were we talking about again?

A study says that people who find it difficult to focus are usually the most intelligent. The only problem is that the Ph.D. research crew took four years longer than expected to finish the study and it is still missing the final three pages.

Directors Guild of America Paris Barclay says the lack of diversity in Hollywood is an “industry plague.” Which medical journals are now calling the latest outbreak of “non-black plague.”

Matt Damon says the lack of Oscar nominations for people of color is “shameful and embarrassing.” And this is from someone who wasn’t afraid to have his name on the marquee for “The Legend of Bagger Vance.”

An Instagram meme features barely dressed women smoking marijuana. Mostly so they can immediately go to Facebook when they get the munchies afterwards to see all the pictures everyone has posted of what they ate for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Chelsea Handler says the worst interview she ever did on her talk show was with Justin Bieber. Mostly because she realized the biggest celebrity who would agree to come on her show was Justin Bieber.

Anna Duggar discussed on the family’s website a recent visit to see her husband Josh in rehab. People were surprised. Why wasn’t she visiting him where he belongs, in jail?

Major League Baseball Commissioner Rob Manfred says the designated hitter is not coming to the National League anytime soon. Mostly because with the average game time approaching four hours, nothing happens in baseball soon.

Major League Baseball Commissioner Rob Manfred says the designated hitter is not coming to the National League anytime soon. Mostly because fans like to have the pitcher’s spot in the rotation so they can go to the restroom and know they aren’t going to miss anything exciting.

The Patriots fired their offensive line coach after quarterback Tom Brady took a record number of hits. Which was mostly a result of the Broncos defensive line wanting Brady to feel what it was like to be one to have the air knocked out of him.

Patriots quarterback Tom Brady says he has no excuses for not getting the job done against the Broncos. Apparently the league has found a way to keep the team from getting away with every single way they know of how to cheat.

CBS says that 53 Million people tuned in to watch the Broncos play the Patriots. Apparently fans wanted to see the matchup between Manning and Brady, knew the game would be close and couldn’t do anything else because they were buried under three feet of snow.

Wikipedia says its most controversial person is President George W. Bush, whose page has been revised nearly 46,000 times. The worst part is that each time it has been changed it has been done with a crayon.

Wikipedia says its most controversial person is President George W. Bush, whose page has been revised nearly 46,000 times. Mostly from readers who disagree that the worst part of his presidency was 9/11, the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, the economic collapse, Katrina, “Mission Accomplished,” the 2000 presidential election...

A study says that states could significantly reduce emissions by going green. Which took about as much thought as saying that the states could also start saving more money by spending less.

A homemade robot can solve a Rubik’s Cube in just over one second. Which isn’t that big of a deal when you consider thousands of people can solve the cube in less than a second. The method involves taking a sledge hammer...

Former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld has launched a Churchill Solitaire gaming app. It’s the first time he has ever come up with an idea that actually has an exit strategy.

Donald Trump spoke about the nation’s heroin epidemic, calling addiction to the drug “a very tough thing.” In fact, Trump knows for himself the only thing more addictive than any drug is listening to himself talk.

Bernie Sanders says there are big differences between himself and Hillary Clinton. However, there are also some similarities. Like the fact that Bill Clinton doesn’t have time for either one of them.

Ohio Governor John Kasich says he doesn’t approve his own campaign ads. Which is no big deal because apparently neither do 97% of the Republican primary voters.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Hey, did you know there is this thing called the Super Bowl coming up in a couple of weeks? I think it is the only thing that people start preparing for earlier than Christmas. I don’t care who wins. It’s called being a Raiders fan. I just don’t care that much about football in the first place. It’s in my DNA coming from L.A. where they are finally thinking about getting an NFL team back for the first time in 20 years. All I ever care about is when you all remember to take the time every day to make sure to send the love!

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