Sunday, January 24, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Google’s parent company Alphabet is close to overtaking Apple as the most valuable company in the world. In this economy all the other companies are pretty much tied for last.

El Salvador has asked women not to get pregnant until 2018 because of the Zika virus. In order to make sure that happens, they have revoked the passport of Kevin Federline.

A study says that Facebook friends are almost all entirely fake. Who says social media isn’t like real life?

A study says that Facebook friends are almost all entirely fake. Do you mean to tell me my online fiancee that I have been sending money to from Brazil who misspells every other word may not have really gone to Harvard and doesn’t look just like Jessica Biel?

An Arkansas teenager says the Marines turned him away because of his Confederate flag tattoo. Which most men his grandfather’s age wish they knew about back in 1968.

The IMF says that Venezuela’s inflation will top 700% this year. The good news is that they have named their new economic adviser as Tom Brady.

Experts say that robots will soon be able to read people’s minds. At least men where the robots will just be programmed to say football, beer and sex.

A filmmaker has replaced his blind eye with a camera. Which is good news for his movie studio which will be able to save money on not having to hire a cinematographer for his next film.

A filmmaker has replaced his blind eye with a camera. It could start being marketed as the Google glass eye.

Coke, Pepsi and Kellogg’s are planning to cut the sugar content of their products to avoid a new tax in the UK. Apparently their plan is to avoid any income tax as well since no one will buy their products anymore.

Coke, Pepsi and Kellogg’s are planning to cut the sugar content of their products to avoid a new tax in the UK. Although isn’t it a little late for the UK to try to finally do something to save the country’s teeth?

New York has lifted its travel ban after mass transit was shut down because of the snow storm. Now the city will go back to how it was before the storm with United Airlines flights canceled, taxis unavailable and the Long Island Expressway not moving for hours at a time.

China and Iran have agreed to expand trade to $600 Billion within a decade. Which means pretty much that Iran is going to open their first Wal-Mart.

93 year old CBS and Viacom Chairman Sumner Redstone has been ordered by a judge to have a mental health exam. Mostly for still wanting to be in charge at CBS.

A survey says 75% of Millennials are moving towards drinking in moderation. Apparently they are going to save the heavy drinking for when they can finally move out of their parents’ basement and have to worry about a job, family and mortgage.

The Honda HR-V has been named the Green SUV of the year. Mostly because it’s the only SUV with emissions that contributed less than three degrees to the rise of the average temperature of the planet.

Google will pay $185 Million to the UK in a tax settlement. Which is still $185 Million more than they had to pay to the U.S. for their annual corporate taxes.

The Academy Awards have made dramatic changes to boost diversity at the Oscars. A recent study shows that until now 94% of Academy voters are white and 77% are men. Which surprises everyone that Kate Upton doesn’t have at least three Oscars by now.

The Mexican Peso is at it’s lowest value to the dollar, worth only five cents. Which is really bad considering anymore the dollar is worth only a dime.

U.S. Airlines cancelled 7,600 flights because of the weekend’s snow storm. To which United answered questions about its thousands of cancellations saying “There was a storm?”

A survey says that 8 in 10 U.S. investors can stomach a market downturn. Mostly because they don’t have anything left to invest as they were wiped out in the market crash back in 2008.

Several top Republicans are saying the problem with Donald Trump is he is too moderate. Although everyone else is asking when Donald Trump has ever been moderate about anything?

Several top Republicans are saying the problem with Donald Trump is he is too moderate. Although most people are asking when his plans on building a wall along the Mexico border, banning Muslims from coming to the U.S. and saying climate change is a hoax will be considered anything but extreme?

A study says that migraine headaches may worsen as menopause approaches. Mostly for the women’s husbands who have to keep cranking up the air conditioning because of complaints of constant hot flashes.

A study says that standing desks in classrooms make kids’ time at school less sedentary. Which would make for better classroom performance so that some of the students would actually know the meaning of “sedentary.”

Republicans say the government has mismanaged health care coops that are part of the Obamacare legislation. Apparently the coops have actually gone ahead and paid off some claims.

“Real Housewives of New York” star Bethany Frankel complained about Kmart having Spanish speaking employees. Apparently she was upset that because they only spoke Spanish they couldn’t help her read the Chinese writing on the clothes labels.

“Real Housewives of New York” star Bethany Frankel complained about Kmart having Spanish speaking employees. People were shocked. What is a reality TV show star doing shopping at Kmart?

Carol Burnett says she is “not thrilled” with how TV is being made today. Mostly because she is old school and comes from the days when TV shows actually were based on a script.

Billy Joel has pledged to give $1 Million to save the Long Island High School for the Arts. Joel wants today’s kids to have the opportunities he never had. Like going to a school that offered driver’s education.

Actress Charlotte Rampling says her statement about the all-white Oscar nominations being “racist to whites” was misinterpreted. The Best Actress nominee says she is planning to attend the event and has already written her concession speech.

Actress Charlotte Rampling says her statement about the all-white Oscar nominations being “racist to whites” was misinterpreted. The question is why is an Oscar nominated English actress using an interpreter?

Jon Gosselin says he hasn’t seen all eight of his children together in three years. Mostly because the only time he has an interest in being with them is when there is a full film crew with cameras rolling in the same room.

A report says the Oakland Raiders want to move to San Diego if the Chargers leave for L.A. The team just wants to be sure the local amenities are up to their fans’ standards, which means first approving the quality of local hotels, restaurants and jail cells.

A “Death Clock” algorithm takes information about people and predicts the day and date of their death. Which for men can also be determined by figuring out the day and date their wife finds their Facebook password and sees who they have been chatting with.

A “Death Clock” algorithm takes information about people and predicts the day and date of their death. Which for the people in Flint, Michigan is around three years after they take their first drink of tap water.

A new app called “Kinvolved” takes attendance in classrooms with a finger swipe. Which is very easy for teachers who used the same technique to meet the students they are sleeping with on Tinder.

A new app called “Kinvolved” takes attendance in classrooms with a finger swipe. Which is only a little different for teachers in the Chicago School District who can take attendance for most classes using the fingers on one hand.

A survey says that 59% of Americans say they would buy a gun that used wireless technology to limit its use. Which means people using AOL would pretty much be confined to buying a musket.

A survey says that 59% of Americans say they would buy a gun that used wireless technology to limit its use. At least as long as the technology allowed them to be able to unload a clip holding 100 bullets in less than ten seconds.

Musician and photographer Graham Nash says he has no use for smartphone photos. Mostly because at age 73 his format of choice is still the daguerreotype.

France is planning to introduce a new keyboard that will make it easier to type using French. Mostly because the French type the same way as they do with all their other forms of communication, using just their middle fingers.

France is planning to introduce a new keyboard that will make it easier to type using French. Which for the French means that the keyboard setting is always on all caps.

Scientists say they have discovered five extinct species of birds. When asked to describe them, they said they were “delicious.”

Scientists say they have discovered five extinct species of birds. The sad part is that four of them were still around until they ended up on the menu at KFC.

Several TV executives agree that there are too many good TV programs. To which most people are asking “What channel have you been watching?”

Several TV executives agree that there are too many good TV programs. Which just means that none of them has actually ever sat down to watch an episode of “Two Broke Girls.”

An Italian brain surgeon says he has successfully transplanted the head of a monkey. The bad news is that it will just mean one more entry into the race for the Republican presidential nomination.

Google has reportedly become the default search engine for iPhones after paying Apple $1 Billion. Which was discovered by Googling “worst business deal ever.”

Donald Trump says he could “shoot somebody” and not lose any of his voters. But only if the person he shoots is Hillary Clinton.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Back on the job of writing the jokes even though we got hammered in WV by a foot and a half of snow. The roads are still bad enough to where I can’t get off my own block. It’s colder here than an elevator that is boarded by Donald Trump and Ted Cruz. We had our warmest December ever here in December followed by one of the worst snow storms ever in January. Although it still isn’t as crazy as it is going to be by the time we get to the November elections. In the meantime I am just trying to stay warm which is always so much easier when you take the time to remember to send the love!

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