Friday, January 22, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A computer program is experimenting with writing new scripts for the TV show “Friends.” Apparently it is continuing the show past its run and imagining what it would be like if the stars actually ever found work after it ends.

A computer program is experimenting with writing new scripts for the TV show “Friends.”  Although the scripts are nowhere near as good as the original show, it has already been hired to improve the writing on “Two Broke Girls.”

Apple stock has fallen to under $100 a share but supporters are still calling it a bargain. At least compared to the price Apple charges for all its products.

The drop in Twitter stock prices means CEO Jack Dorsey is no longer a billionaire. By the time things level out, instead of 140 characters he might just need three or four to tweet out his net worth.

A study says the human brain can store ten times as many memories as previously thought. At least if it is the brain of a woman and the memories are of anything her husband has ever done wrong.

A report says that Jeb Bush may enlist his brother George W. Bush to help him on the campaign trail. Apparently his idea is to help him rise in the polls by having the former President start working for Donald Trump.

Pope Francis I has changed the Holy Thursday foot washing rite to include women. Apparently he is making it more appealing to women by calling it a “Pre-Easter mani-pedi.”

A New Jersey homeless man says he is embarrassed about taking $5 to let someone dump coffee on his head. He says if he would have held out for $8 he could have at least gotten himself a cup of coffee over at Starbucks.

A New Jersey homeless man says he is embarrassed about taking $5 to let someone dump coffee on his head. Not about the coffee. But for being homeless and still living in New Jersey.

Hillary Clinton is warning voters that there could be “gridlock” if Bernie Sanders is elected President. Mostly because the only way there won’t be is if Sanders can do something that would get rid of Congress.

Washington, D.C., Maryland and Virginia are under a state of emergency due to an approaching snow storm. Although after declaring the emergency for those areas, officials were saying “There’s a storm coming?”

A report says that out of 4.5 Million Syrian refugees, only 2,647 have made it into the U.S. The rest are going to wait until they make sure Donald Trump isn’t elected President so their first stop across the border isn’t straight to Guantanamo Bay.

A study says the number of undocumented immigrants living in the U.S. is the lowest in a decade. Which was documented by the increase in overgrown yards, uncleaned pools and the size of crowds every morning in the Home Depot parking lots.

A report says that U.S. wine consumption is expected to drop. The reasons are vintners pushing more expensive varieties, less land for growing grapes and a trend for winos to switch over to the more trendy fad of craft beers.

U.S. auto recalls reached a record 51 Million in 2015. Auto industry experts were shocked. They had no idea that GM had managed to sell 51 Million vehicles.

RadioShack CEO Ron Garriques has resigned after less than a year on the job. People were surprised. RadioShack is still in business?

RadioShack CEO Ron Garriques has resigned after less than a year on the job. Apparently he was offered a more lucrative and prestigious job. He will now be bagging groceries over at the local Albertsons.

Saudi Arabia says it can handle low oil prices for a “long, long time.” If nothing else, at least it takes away any immediate worries of the U.S. deciding on a military invasion.

The TSA intercepted a record 2,653 firearms at airports in 2015. And that was just the people licensed for concealed weapons for the large amount of cash they were carrying to pay all the airline fees.

The TSA intercepted a record 2,653 firearms at airports in 2015. Mostly travelers on United who wanted to protect themselves from the other passengers in case their flight was stuck on the tarmac for a week or more.

The TSA intercepted a record 2,653 firearms at airports in 2015. That number may have been even higher if they hadn’t spent so much time also confiscating the 25 Million containers with more than three ounces of liquid.

The TSA intercepted a record 2,653 firearms at airports in 2015. That’s the last time those people will try to fit an AK-47 into their shoes.

GM has launched its own ride sharing program called Maven. Mostly for people who can offer rides to the dealership in their recalled GM car for people who need a lift to pick up their car that has been fixed after the latest GM recall.

United Airlines says it is buying bigger planes from Boeing and ditching its 50 seat regional airliners. Aviation experts were puzzled. There are more than 50 people who are still flying with United?

The FDA is warning of potential dangers of online male enhancement gum. Especially for men who think they popped a stick of Wrigley’s into their mouth right before they walk into the men’s locker room.

The FDA is warning of potential dangers of online male enhancement gum. Which finally explains how he got the nickname “Bazooka Joe.”

The FDA is warning of potential dangers of online male enhancement gum. That’s the gum that five out of five dentists recommend you don’t chew before your appointment to see the dental hygienist.

A report says that Americans who are 100 or older are living even longer. Mostly because they have already lived to be 100.

A report says that Americans who are 100 or older are living even longer. It seems even longer for their heirs who are waiting to inherit all the money they have saved up over more than a century.

A couple in Mexico welcomed in a rare healthy set of quadruplets. The babies were born a few weeks early which caught the parents off guard and is why the children were actually born in Mexico.

A report lists the main causes of death for people who live to be 100 or older. Apparently the number one cause is “old age.”

Tom Cruise is set to star in a remake of “The Mummy.” The climax of the film is an appearance by Cuba Gooding, Jr. who jumps out of a sarcophagus yelling “Show me the Mummy!”

Tom Cruise is set to star in a remake of “The Mummy.” It’s the movie where every scene ends with the director yelling “That’s a wrap!”

A judge has granted the wife of singer Don McLean a temporary order of protection against him. The order calls for him to keep a certain distance, avoid any contact and to never be within earshot when singing any Justin Bieber songs.

Singer R. Kelly says he is still a fan of Bill Cosby. To which Bill Cosby is saying “Ixnay on the an-fay!”

Singer R. Kelly says he is still a fan of Bill Cosby. Which is like Robert Blake saying he is a big admirer of O.J. Simpson.

Khloe Kardashian says she was judged for dating after she and husband Lamar Odom split up. Which is probably a lot better than how she was judged for being a part of “The Kardashians.”

Charlie Sheen’s ex-wife Brooke Mueller has reportedly checked into rehab. It’s just too bad they couldn’t make it work since they have so many things in common.

Charlie Sheen’s ex-wife Brooke Mueller has reportedly checked into rehab. She should have known that when you take the wedding vows with Charlie Sheen, they are usually written out in twelve steps.

Some fans are suing the St. Louis Rams for their move to L.A. deception, fraud, false pretense and false promise. Not only that, but because of those charges the New England Patriots are suing the Rams for stealing their team playbook.

Former NFL coach Jon Gruden thinks the NFL should get rid of instant replay. Especially for Cleveland Browns fans who find it bad enough having to watch each play just once.

Baseball Commissioner Rob Manfred says the National League may be changing its mind about the designated hitter. Although the Phillies are still holding out because having a pitcher in the lineup actually brings up the rest of the team’s batting average.

Former NFL receiver Antwaan Randle El says his comments that he regrets playing football because of injuries and memory issues are overblown. At least that’s what he is saying ever since he couldn’t actually remember what it was he was talking about.

Astronaut Scott Kelly celebrated his 300th straight day in space by playing ping pong with a droplet of water. The others on the ISS were concerned that he followed that up by writing 150 pages of nothing but “All work and no play makes Scott a dull boy.”

Researchers say they are moving closer to cutting the time of charging an electric vehicle to the time it takes to fill a gas tank. Which at several hours now is the same amount of time for anyone looking to find a gas station that still features full service.

The U.S. military says it wants to use implanted brain chips that could record brain activity and turn soldiers into cyborgs. When that news makes its way into recruiting material enlistment will drop so fast it really will turn into an “Army of One.”

Adele’s video of “Hello” reached 1 Billion Youtube views in a record 87 days. It beat the old record shared by Psy’s “Gangnam Style,” Taylor Swift’s “Bad Blood” and videos of a cat playing the piano and a hamster eating a cracker.

Verizon is vowing to build the nation’s first 5G network. Which means at that point the people who use Verizon may actually be able to finally upgrade to 3G.

A study says that more than a half of handgun buyers would consider purchasing a “smart” gun. That is where the gun owner has to take a test to show their IQ is higher than the caliber of the gun they are buying.

Facebook’s new Sports Stadium allows fans to talk trash about sports events. As opposed to the regular Facebook site where people talk trash about politics, their job and their friends.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Getting ready to head to my real job early today to deal with this monster snow storm that is affecting the entire eastern U.S. But of course I always made sure to take care of your comedy needs before I do anything else. It could be a long couple of days here. Almost as long as it feels to get through this blog. So think of my long weekend coming up forecasting the weather along with the rest of the time digging out of a foot of snow. And when you do, feel free to take a minute to make sure to send the love!

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