Thursday, January 21, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Giant $15 milkshakes garnished with lollipops, cookies and pretzels are drawing crowds in New York City. Mostly because people there have never seen anything selling for only $15.

Giant $15 milkshakes garnished with lollipops, cookies and pretzels are drawing crowds in New York City. Which may sound expensive most New Yorkers feel they are just perfect for washing down the typical $50 hamburger and $22 order of fries.

Cuddle parties are a growing trend in Minneapolis to help people explore communication and boundaries. Although some people in Minneapolis have been doing group cuddling for years. It’s called “winter.”

A leading money theorist says the world is facing epic debt default. Which most economists don’t agree with because if it hasn’t happened yet to the U.S. with an $18 Trillion debt, we are probably still pretty safe.

A leading money theorist says the world is facing epic debt default. To most people, a money theorist is someone who helps them theorize what it would be like to actually have some.

The U.S. came in 4th on a ranking of the best countries in the world behind Germany, Canada and the UK. Which interestingly enough are the areas that Americans are most likely to move to in case Donald Trump is elected President.

A poll says that 10% of college graduates think that Judge Judy is on the Supreme Court. The power seems to be going to her head. Some viewers thought she went a bit too far when her verdict in a dispute over an unpaid loan was the death penalty.

A poll says that 10% of college graduates think that Judge Judy is on the Supreme Court. What’s worse is that they were the only ones who could actually come up with a name of someone who they thought was on the Court.

Experts say that intelligent robots could be running companies in ten years. Which would increase profits overwhelmingly by just not having to pay a fortune for the salary and perqs of an egotistical, narcissistic CEO.

Norman Lear says that Donald Trump is “America’s middle finger.” Remember when Americans used to vote with their hearts and minds, instead of like they were driving a cab?

A poll says that two thirds of Americans are angry. The other third have already moved to ballistic.

A poll says that two thirds of Americans are angry. The other third is waiting until the others do something really stupid like elect Donald Trump President.

A 93 year old World War II veteran is planning to reunite with his wartime girlfriend in Australia. They can both hardly wait to meet and ask each other “What was your name again?”

Scientists say they have found the “real” 9th planet on the edge of the Solar System. Since it may take the place of Pluto, the pending name for the new discovery is “Goofy.”

The Dow saw triple digit losses on Wednesday because of crude oil prices falling to a 13 year low. Which is ironic in that people had enough money to invest in the market for the first time in years once the gasoline prices finally dropped below $4 a gallon.

Two Nigerian refineries shut down after an attack on pipelines. Which is the military’s attempt at raising the price of oil so they can start invading countries that have it once again.

Adult coloring books have become a new craze with meetings started where people can color their books together. And people said that the War in Iraq was going to be the only legacy of George W. Bush.

The U.S. and Russia are squabbling over who will attend the upcoming Syria peace talks. Which doesn’t bode well for the peace process when people are even fighting over how to make it happen.

A study says that body odor can reveal if people are sick. Which is just more bad news for the people of France.

NOAA says that 2015 was the warmest year on record. When Republicans found out the reason was El Nino, they said it was just another reason to tighten our restrictions on Spanish speaking immigrants.

A study says that some fairy tales are thousands of years old. Some just keep getting updated, like “Beauty and the Beast” now taking the form of Jerry Hall getting engaged to Rupert Murdoch.

A study says that some fairy tales are thousands of years old. Which is great news for Hollywood as studios can now steal all the classics and not pay any royalties because they are old enough to be in the public domain.

A study says that some fairy tales are thousands of years old. Some could use updating, like “Aladdin” having a genie in the bottle when all he really needs to get things done is access to Siri.

A report cites wasted Pentagon money in Afghanistan. Mostly the money used to fund the War in Afghanistan.

Uber is reportedly set to launch full meal delivery service in ten cities. Mostly for people who want to order a pizza while waiting for the taxi to finally show up.

Uber is reportedly set to launch full meal delivery service in ten cities. Although it might be a little annoying for riders who are asked to hold three pizzas and an order of Chinese takeout on their lap for the first couple of miles.

A report says that 61% of executives use big data and analytics to improve their decisions. Mostly looking at Facebook posts to get an idea of what might look good for lunch.

A survey says a majority of Americans are dissatisfied with the extent of corporate influence. Especially the ones where corporate influence outsourced the job they used to have with a corporation.

A survey says a majority of Americans are dissatisfied with the extent of corporate influence. The rest didn’t want to answer the question because they are afraid that corporations are monitoring all their conversations.

New Mexico’s Attorney General is suing Volkswagen over their emissions scandal. Which shouldn’t be too much of a settlement considering only three people in the state have primary transportation that isn’t a 4 wheel drive or a horse.

News Corp is denying rumors they are trying to buy Twitter. Mostly so they can stop people from tweeting about how much they hate Fox News.

A congressional committee has subpoenaed former Pharma CEO Martin Shkreli who raised the price of an AIDS drug by 5,000%. Apparently the members of Congress just want to ask him if he is interested in being in charge of their fundraising.

Wal-Mart says it is giving a raise and new benefits to 1.2 Million hourly workers. As opposed to the workers in the 154 U.S. stores they are closing where the only new benefits they will be getting will come from the Unemployment Office.

The Mayor of Atlantic City says that “bankruptcy is on the table.” Which is ironic in that was the same thing said for years in the casinos by all the people playing blackjack, poker and roulette.

Russian currency is at its lowest level ever. The good news is that instead of waiting in line for hours for toilet paper, they can just now use the Rubles they were going to use to pay for it.

India’s finance minister says the country is primed for a 9% growth this year. The bad news is that means workers can count on the unemployment rate in the U.S. to go up by about 9%.

Scientists say a new blood test may be able to tell when antibiotics won’t work. Mostly when the patient’s blood is like molasses from all the cholesterol and they are pretty much beyond being helped by anything.

A study says that eating green leafy vegetables may lower the risk of glaucoma. The only problem is that the only people who will eat vegetables are the ones who can’t see what is on their plate because of their glaucoma.

A study says that receiving a general anesthesia after age 40 is not tied to mental decline. Especially for the people who can remember how much it hurts if they aren’t given enough drugs during medical procedures.

A study says that 92% of restaurant meals have too many calories. The other 8% are sticking to recipes that just have too much fat, sugar and salt.

A study says that 92% of restaurant meals have too many calories. The other 8% can be found at restaurants with a sign in front saying “out of business.”

A report says that 366 Chinese cities don’t have safe air quality. Which answers the question that China has approximately 366 cities.

Kim Kardashian says she lost 30 pounds of baby weight over six weeks. Mostly by throwing out all the magazines with flattering articles about Kanye West.

American Express is reportedly suing Tori Spelling for $38,000 in unpaid bills. Mostly for her plastic surgery that cost an arm and a leg to get a different nose, eyes and tummy.

American Express is reportedly suing Tori Spelling for $38,000 in unpaid bills. One thing is certain that the money didn’t go to pay for any acting lessons.

Nielsen says it is going to use Facebook and Twitter in its new ratings system. Which means the highest rated shows will soon be listed as a cat playing the piano and a hamster eating a cracker.

The NFL says it is planning to put a franchise in London in the next six years. Which is pretty ambitious considering it took them more than 20 years just to get another team into L.A.

Forbes says that the Knicks are worth $3 Billion making them the most valuable team in the NBA. Just think how much they would be worth if they used some of that money to get some players who can actually shoot.

San Francisco has reported its first accident involving autonomous cars. Wouldn’t you know that it had to be a rear ender?

Scientists say they have discovered the largest known prime number, only divisible by itself and one with more than 22 Million digits. The worst part is when their teacher wouldn’t accept it until they showed their work.

A study says that early man’s activities helped cause global warming with slash and burn agriculture. Which means the process should be reversing at any time since humans quit eating vegetables back around 1974.

A report says that data scientists have the best job in the U.S. At least that is the latest trend that has been spotted by data scientists.

A report says that data scientists have the best job in the U.S. Mostly because there is nothing better than getting paid a good wage for keeping track of all the dumb things that other people do.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! A major winter storm is headed my direction for tomorrow into Saturday. We are looking to get several inches of snow which could slow things down for awhile but won’t be that big of a deal. Still, people are flocking to the grocery stores to stock up on supplies. I could understand that if your major mode of transportation is a Conestoga wagon, but this is 2016 and most people have front wheel or four wheel drive vehicles which can maneuver around pretty well in icy conditions. Oh, well. Unfortunately for all of you, even a huge winter storm won’t keep me away from my appointed rounds at the keyboard cranking out more bad jokes for those who are shut in by the arctic surge. Just feel free at any time when you are locked in your home and isolated from the rest of the world to make sure to remember to send the love!

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