Tuesday, January 19, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Gasoline prices in Michigan have fallen as low as 46 cents a gallon. It’s even cheaper for people who are running their cars on what is coming out of the tap in Flint.

Gasoline prices in Michigan have fallen as low as 46 cents a gallon. Now all the people in the Michigan economy have to do is figure out where to come up with 46 cents.

A survey says the probability of a U.S. recession is at its highest since 2011. Which is good news for all the Americans who have never gotten out of the 2008 Depression.

A study says that chickens were first eaten by humans 2,200 years ago. Apparently that’s how far back the ruins dated where researchers recently found the first bucket with the inscription “KFC.”

A study says that chickens were first eaten by humans 2,200 years ago. Which is good news for dogs that chickens were just never very good at learning to play “fetch.”

A report says that robots will eliminate 5 Million jobs by the year 2020. Apparently the final blow will be when technology will allow the robots to be able to not only operate but maintain Slurpee machines.

Portland Community College in Oregon is starting a project that explores how the “construct of whiteness” creates racial inequality. Which will no doubt be of great interest to the three people of color who currently live in Oregon.

Astronauts on the International Space Station have grown Zinnia flowers for the first time in space. Even with the cost of the space station and the rocket transport, the bouquet still ends up being less expensive than ordering a delivery on Mother’s Day.

French President Francois Hollande has declared an economic emergency. Which pretty much happens when the average French citizen finds they only have enough money to afford two bottles of wine a day.

Singer Don McLean has been arrested for domestic assault. Reports say he apparently hit someone in the face with a pie that was more than likely made in America.

The British Parliament debated whether or not to ban Donald Trump form the UK, although they actually had no power to carry out such a decision. Which pretty much sounds exactly like the immigration reform proposed by Donald Trump.

Astronomers are excited about the lining up of Mercury, Venus, Mars, Jupiter and Saturn over the next five weeks. Ironically, the only planet not visible during that time from the other planets thanks to the blanket of smog perpetually covering Asia.

Astronomers are excited about the lining up of five planets over the next five weeks. People are being told the correct way to view the planets is to not bend over too much or all they will see is Uranus. (Old, predictable, juvenile. But still always funny!)

With economic sanctions being lifted in Iran, it could mean that McDonald’s will finally make it to Tehran. The plan is to wait for them to get a taste of Big Macs and the American diet and in a couple of years they will be too fat to stop us from just walking in to shut down their nuclear program and take all their oil.

Nigeria’s information minister says that $9 Billion has been stolen from the country’s economy. The worst part is that it barely offsets the amount of money that has gone into the treasury from the income taxes paid from the windfalls of all the Nigerian princes.

Aviation experts say that airlines will benefit from low fuel costs through 2016. And way beyond that from gullible passengers who will continue to fork out unlimited money on fees for luggage, snacks and Wi-Fi.

Uber says it will partner with Airbus to provide on-demand helicopter rides. The only question is how do they think that anyone who can afford to charter a helicopter would have ever even heard of Uber.

Tennis champion Novak Djokovic says he was offered $200,000 to throw a match in 2007. Authorities became suspicious that something was going on when it turns out the match he was supposed to throw was against Serena Williams.

Tennis champion Novak Djokovic says he was offered $200,000 to throw a match in 2007. The L.A. Clippers were shocked at the news. They threw away games nearly every night for years and didn’t get a dime extra.

Penthouse magazine says it is going to end its print edition after 50 years. The news release from the magazine started out “I never thought this would happen to me...”

British Airways is reportedly eyeing leasing used jets instead of buying them new to save money. Apparently they have a deal to take over jets previously owned by United Airlines which have barely even moved from the tarmac since 2004.

San Francisco clothier Wilkes Bashford has died at age 83. He is the one clothes designer in San Francisco whose line didn’t include anything featuring leather collars or metal studs.

Greek unions are set to hold a general strike on February 4th to protest pension reform. The only question is that if everyone in Greece stops working, how will anyone even be able to tell?

Greek unions are set to hold a general strike on February 4th to protest pension reform. Which is bad news for anyone who is shopping that day for some olive oil or a double hulled freighter.

The CEO of FX Networks says we have reached “peak TV.” Apparently that happened the day that “Two Broke Girls” was actually picked up for syndication.

A study says a diet of fruit, vegetables, tea and wine makes for a lower risk of erectile dysfunction. Especially for men who eat a lot of carrots that strengthen their eyes so they can see into the window of the hot woman across the street.

A study says a diet of fruit, vegetables, tea and wine makes for a lower risk of erectile dysfunction. Mostly when the tea and wine are used to wash down a tablet of Viagra.

A study says that living on the top floors of a high rise building decreases the chances of surviving cardiac arrest. Especially on the days when the elevators are out of order.

A study says that too much agreement on issues makes for weaker confidence in the results. Although if that is true, why don’t we feel better about anything that ever comes out of Washington, D.C.?

A baby in Spain that was fed almond milk was diagnosed with scurvy. The diagnosis was made after doctors noticed the baby had poor weight gain, had pain in its legs and went around wearing an eye patch saying “Aaaargh!”

German researchers have developed tiny motors in order to help sperm swim. Apparently it is a lot cheaper than the fee charged for sperm donations by Michael Phelps.

Cuba Gooding, Jr. says he had no desire to meet O.J. Simpson before he played him in “American Crime Story.” Apparently he was worried a personal meeting might result in Gooding himself ending up on the cutting room floor.

Magic Johnson was the first person to put a deposit on season tickets for the Rams at the L.A. Memorial Coliseum. Johnson paid the $100 price so he could watch a team in L.A. lose games without him having to pay $2 Billion to get a good seat.

A report says that Cincinnati taxpayers have put $920 Million into Paul Brown Stadium since it was built in 2000. Although most of that wasn’t for the actual building as much as it was to cover the cost of covering the Bengals team bail bonds.

A ban on Youtube in Pakistan dating back to 2012 has been lifted. Which means Pakistanis can finally see the kebabs their friends are eating for every meal along with catching up on all the camel videos they have missed.

A ban on Youtube in Pakistan dating back to 2012 has been lifted. Mostly to keep people from playing those embarrassing videos of Osama bin Laden saying “You’ll never guess where I am hiding!”

Facebook is reportedly cracking down on extremists posts in Europe. No one even knew that Donald Trump had an account based overseas.

Facebook is reportedly cracking down on extremists posts in Europe. Which pretty much also means an end to all the Facebook pictures of the brats people are eating during Oktoberfest.

Facebook is reportedly cracking down on extremists posts in Europe. Apparently anyone wanting to make extremist posts will have to be like everyone else and move to Alabama, Mississippi or Georgia.

A widow in Canada says that Apple is requiring her to get a court order to obtain the password to the iPad of her late husband. Mostly because if she saw what he was doing on his computer he would have been dead anyway.

Japanese researchers say they have brought back to life microscopic “water bears” after being frozen for 30 years. Which is expected to soon be followed up with the announcement that Ted Williams is signing to play with the Tokyo Giants.

Researchers say they will analyze cosmic particles to determine how an Egyptian Pyramid was built. Also to answer the question why they are the largest structures in the world that still aren’t covered with signs saying “Trump.”

A report says that Baby Boomers are slow to sell their businesses as retirement looms. Some are reportedly worried about the economy, others like the challenge of running a business and the rest are waiting for their kids to finally move out of their basement.

A report says that IT spending around the world dropped 6% last year. Mostly because most businesses know that they don’t need to protect themselves now that hackers know how easy it is to break into the accounts at Target, Home Depot and Sony.

IBM and the University of Michigan are teaming up to create a computer that will be able to hold conversations. Apparently it was done at the request of Watson who wants to get better at chatting up so he can hit on Siri.

The British Parliament stopped short of banning Donald Trump from the UK but did end up calling him a “fool,” “buffoon” and “wazzock.” Apparently they called him a wazzock because it’s the one term that hasn’t been thought of yet by his Republican opponents.

The British Parliament stopped short of banning Donald Trump from the UK but did end up calling him a “fool,” “buffoon” and “wazzock.” Although the members did manage to control themselves and keep from also calling him a “wanker,” “tosser” or “munter.”

The U.S. Coast Guard is seeking a billion dollar ice breaker because of the Russians making more of a military push in the Arctic. Although most people know it’s a lot easier and cheaper to get an ice breaker by just joining Toastmasters.

Defense Secretary Ash Carter is reportedly considering demoting retired General David Petraeus. How do you even demote a retired General? Does that mean peeling potatoes on KP for the veterans at the VA home?

Defense Secretary Ash Carter is reportedly considering demoting retired General David Petraeus. How do you even demote a retired General? The worst thing would be after serving 40 to have to drop and give 20.

Michigan Governor Rick Snyder says the Flint water crisis is his “Katrina.” The only difference is that if Michigan would have been hit by Katrina it might have actually been an improvement.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! More sad news from the world of music as Eagles singer, guitarist and songwriter Glenn Frey has passed away at age 67. Now I have never been a big fan of the Eagles, never buying one of their records or seeing them in concert. But if an Eagles song comes on the radio the odds are pretty good that I will listen to it and think it’s OK. And even though I have heard that Frey was a real arrogant douchebag at times, I have to respect his musicianship and ability to write some great songs. It was sad to see two real icons from the ‘70s in Frey and David Bowie die within a few days of each other. Sigh, just another sign we’re all getting older and no matter how much money you have it doesn’t guarantee more years than even the average life span. Although with the number of substances going around in the ‘70s I guess making it past 40 was pretty much an accomplishment. So go ahead and listen to one of the great Eagles songs like “Hotel California,” “Take it to the Limit” and “Take It Easy” while you remember to take the time to make sure to send the love!

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