Sunday, January 17, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A poll says that one quarter of Republicans think that Ted Cruz being born in Canada disqualifies him from become President. And these are the same people who will vote for Donald Trump despite his policies, Jeb Bush despite his family and Ben Carson despite nodding off every five minutes.

Wal-Mart says it will close 154 stores in the U.S. due to sagging sales. How bad is the economy when the number one retailer is losing out to Goodwill, the Salvation Army and local thrift shops?

Wal-Mart says it will close 154 stores in the U.S. due to sagging sales. The good news is that employees will be able to start looking for careers that pay more, have better benefits and more job security, like at the closest 7-Eleven.

The federal government wants to drop the legal driving limit to one drink by lowering the blood alcohol limit to .05 percent. Not only that, but with self-driving cars becoming more and more likely in the future they want to eliminate all the ethanol at the gas pumps.

Chipotle will close all its stores for a few hours on February 8th to talk about food safety. And to be able to say there was at least one day that no one got sick after eating at  Chipotle.

Chipotle will close all its stores for a few hours on February 8th to talk about food safety. The worst part was getting a letter from Taco Bell thanking Chipotle for taking all the heat off them for once.

A Swedish man has had a microchip implanted in his hand that allows him to pass straight through airport security. To which the TSA is protesting, saying not being able to strip search passengers takes all the fun out of their job.

China is planning to land the first probe on the dark side of the Moon. Which if nothing else, the publicity will at least provide a boost in the sales of old Pink Floyd albums.

China is planning to land the first probe on the dark side of the Moon in 2018. Mostly just in case the mission fails they can still say it was a success and no one will be able to prove it didn’t happen.

Researchers say that dating site Tinder is changing the way people think, turning the world into a place that just deals with yes or no decisions and nothing in between. Like when people sign on to Tinder, their yes and no choice is to keep dating or stay married.

A poll says that Americans distrust sharing personal information on social media. Aside from posting their latest relationship status, how much they hate their job and pictures of every meal they have eaten in the past three years.

A poll says that Americans distrust sharing personal information on social media. They want to go back to the days when Facebook was just for looking at cat videos all day.

Treasury Secretary Jack Lew says that Puerto Rico’s economy is in the “midst of economic collapse.” Which brings up the question, where has he been since 1967?

Treasury Secretary Jack Lew says that Puerto Rico’s economy is in the “midst of economic collapse.” Which means that things there are finally pretty much back to normal.

A 102 year old teacher in New Jersey says she has no plans to retire. Mostly because she lives in New Jersey on a teacher’s salary which comes with a retirement age of 110.

Sean Penn says Mexico wants to make him a cartel target following his interview with drug lord El Chapo. There hasn’t been such animosity and threats directed towards Penn since the reviews came out for “Shanghai Surprise.”

Taiwan has elected its first woman President. To which she is now complaining to Bill that after he left the White House she knew they should have relocated to Taipei.

Jeb Bush says his foreign policy would resemble that of his father. The only problem is that his poll numbers still resemble those of his brother.

The Power Ball winners in Tennessee say there will be no big changes to their lives. Mostly because the only difference having $500 Million in Tennessee can make is being able to finally install some indoor plumbing.

After their recent H-Bomb test, North Korea says it wants to focus on its economy. Which still pretty much looks like it got hit with an H-Bomb.

Boston mobster Enrico Ponzo is set to go on trial after hiding out posing as an Idaho rancher for more than a decade. Authorities became suspicious after learning there was an Idaho rancher named Enrico Ponzo.

Boston mobster Enrico Ponzo is set to go on trial after hiding out posing as an Idaho rancher for more than a decade. Authorities felt something was wrong when he would lead his cattle drives from the back seat of a black Lincoln Continental sedan.

The Transportation Department wants airlines to disclose their fees up front when people purchase tickets. To which the airlines are saying that’s fine, as long as they can charge a fee for it.

President Obama is proposing a new unemployment insurance plan. Apparently it will allow people to sign up for unemployment as soon as they get a job so it will cut down on the time it takes to start receiving benefits by the time they are laid off.

A musical comedy called “Nerds” which is based on the rivalry between Steve Jobs and Bill Gates is coming to Broadway. Talent agents are already going through their files to find head shots of white guys with bad haircuts.

A musical comedy called “Nerds” which is based on the rivalry between Steve Jobs and Bill Gates is coming to Broadway. Production costs will be low, especially for wardrobe which will be taken care of by Docker pants, Polo shirts and Hush Puppies shoes.

United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz is recovering after receiving a heart transplant. Aviation experts were surprised. A United executive actually has a heart?

United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz is recovering after receiving a heart transplant. The operation was reportedly a success after losing the first three donor hearts from making the mistake of having them flown in on United.

A Girl Scout troop has written letters to Michigan Governor Rick Snyder pleading for him to fix the water crisis in Flint. How bad is it when it takes the Girl Scouts to get things done by threatening to withhold delivery on the Governor’s entire order of cookies?

A study says that what people eat can affect their quality of sleep. Especially for the people who are always up at 3:00 AM to go to the kitchen for another pint of Haagen Dazs.

A study says that U.S. patients whose health insurance plans have high deductibles get fewer diagnostic imaging tests. Especially now that health insurance companies have come up with their latest plan with deductions of the first 100% of all medical bills.

The NCAA has approved a plan giving medical professionals final say on the time it takes for an athlete to return to the playing field after a concussion. If it is a success, they may start working on a timetable to someday get athletes back in the classroom.

A study says that trauma care workers are at risk for “compassion fatigue” from working on people with serious injuries. Not from the actual injuries, but in dealing with the patients who need trauma care after getting their hospital bill.

A study says that eating unhealthy food in front of a mirror can make it seem less tasty. Especially when the person eating the food sees their body can’t fit within the mirror’s frame.

Doubts are being raised about a study by the University of Maryland touting the health benefits of chocolate milk. Mostly because of the main ingredients which include chocolate and milk.

Doubts are being raised about a study by the University of Maryland touting the health benefits of chocolate milk. Mostly because people have trouble believing any research about healthy living that comes out of Maryland.

Mick Jagger says the thing he will miss the most about David Bowie will be the good times they had together. The worst part is that now he will be the one to take all the heat for the making of the video of “Dancing In The Street.”

Caitlyn Jenner says she doesn’t see herself dating women. Mostly just to see the expression of surprise on any of the men she dates who get past first base.

Patriots wide receiver Reggie Wayne says he will retire after 14 seasons, saying “It’s just time.” As opposed to when Brett Favre retired for good and said “It’s just the fifth time.”

UFC Champion Ronda Rousey will reportedly team up with Tina Fey for her next attempt at acting. The only problem with having her on the set is when anyone tells her to “break a leg” she just might.

The FBI is handing complaints over a California wine shop accused of a Ponzi scheme. The problem is that when people invested and were told they were in the red it had nothing to do with a Merlot.

The FBI is handing complaints over a California wine shop accused of a Ponzi scheme. The sad part was that some investors knew nothing about wine and didn’t know the difference between a Ponzi and a Pinot.

The FCC says it will allow U.S. telecommunication companies to provide service to Cuba. Which Cubans will welcome, especially with the nostalgia of having AT&T as their provider reminding them of the tin cans and string technology they had back when Fidel Castro was in charge.

A Tennessee woman turned to crowdfunding to try to recoup the money she spent on Power Ball tickets. There have already been several donations, mostly from people who figure giving her their cash gives them the same odds as winning back any money playing Power Ball.

A computer prediction tool is picking Carolina over New England to win the Super Bowl. The computer claims not to only be the best when it comes to picking winners in sports, but also says that Watson throws like an iPad.

A spacewalk by astronauts on the International Space Station was aborted after one of the astronauts reported water leaking in his helmet. To which the others told him he should have taken care of that before he went outside.

A report says that Uber is not to blame for an increase in traffic around Manhattan. Mostly because Uber has only been around for six years while 5th Avenue has been backed up since 1963.

Major automakers plan to work with the government to deter hacks of connected cars. Apparently they are trying to find a way to completely throw everyone off the track by running all the cars’ systems through Hillary Clinton’s private server.

Wikipedia has turned 15 years old. Although the bad news is that at various times it was recently listed on Wikipedia as being either 3 or 25 years old and had reportedly died earlier in the week.

New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio’s top advisers were reportedly paid about $500,000 over the past six months. Apparently their advice was for him to pay them way more than they were possibly worth.

New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio’s top advisers were reportedly paid about $500,000 over the past six months. Unfortunately, he didn’t follow their advice to make sure nobody found out how much they were making.

Chris Christie says he just wants to beat expectations in Iowa. Which means he will achieve his goal with anything above last place.

Chris Christie says he wants to beat all the other governors running in the Iowa caucuses. Which means in order to come ahead of Jeb Bush, Jim Gilmore, Mike Huckabee and John Kasich he may have to score as much as 3% of the votes.


The overtime coin toss between the Cardinals and Packers had to be redone because the referee didn’t flip the coin properly. Which meant after playing four quarters they needed to find two more quarters.

The overtime coin toss between the Cardinals and Packers had to be redone because the referee didn’t flip the coin properly. Wouldn’t you know that the officials were the only ones credited with throwing the only spiral of the game?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Just a quick thanks to all of you for continuing to read the blog every day, still hoping that some day you will find some jokes that actually make you laugh. I am glad to see we are both as persistent in our goals, mine being to someday achieve a daily readership of 7 Billion. We can all dream, right? In the meantime I will still be satisfied with those of you who take the time to remember every day to make sure to send the love!

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