Friday, January 15, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A study says that happiness could be determined by our genes. Mostly for the people who become rich and famous and have a great love life because their genes made them look like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.

A report says that tensions between Nevada ranchers and federal agents have grown dangerously high. Although it still isn’t as bad as the tensions between Nevada casino gamblers and the buffet managers who keep running out of shrimp cocktail.

A report says that the oil price crash could make gasoline cheaper than bottled water. Which for most people is like telling them that pretty soon a lobster dinner will be as cheap as filet mignon.

Scientists say that soon a urine test will be able to predict if someone will develop Alzheimer’s Disease. Which is different from the current test where Alzheimer’s is suspected when someone forgets they need to use the bathroom and keeps wetting their pants.

A report says New Jersey may seize Atlantic City as the city is close to bankruptcy. The reasons are the state could help with finances, share revenues and make sure Chris Christie gets the first spot in line at any of the casino buffets.

Customs officials in Texas intercepted more than a ton of marijuana that was disguised as carrots. Authorities became suspicious when someone in the U.S. actually stepped forward to claim a shipment of vegetables.

Palestinians are calling for the release of a poet who is on death row in Saudi Arabia. Apparently they are asking that the poet traded for someone more deserving to be awaiting execution, like a mime.

Palestinians are calling for the release of a poet who is on death row in Saudi Arabia. He should have been more careful about starting out a poem with “There was a sheikh from Nantucket...”

A report says that half the deaths while taking selfies happen in India. To which most Americans are asking producers if it would be possible to have next season’s episode of “The Kardashians” shot on location in Mumbai.

St. Louis Rams fans are suing the team, saying the owner lied about his desire to keep the team in town which broke the state law. Apparently the plaintiffs are claiming the action was clearly a violation of the “Show me” clause in the state constitution.

Former Backstreet Boy Nick Carter was arrested for battery in Key West, Florida. The good news is that it was his first hit since 1997.

A power outage delayed JetBlue flights nationwide on Thursday. Or as United Airlines calls a complete shutdown of the system, “Thursday.”

The Missouri school of journalism has created a social media course to prepare students for the demands of entry level social media positions. The only problem is students who keep missing class because they are busy posting selfies on Facebook.

A study says that Internet users don’t realize how much of their privacy they are giving up being online. Which can’t matter that much to the people on Facebook who inform us of every detail in their love life, what they think about their job and what they have eaten for every meal in the past three years.

The U.S. government is developing policies to be used for self-driving cars. What better entity to make those decisions than the government who hasn’t had anyone at the helm for the past 50 years?

The three biggest U.S. banks made $6 Billion from fees for ATMs and overdrafts. To which the U.S. airlines which made $18 Billion in fees last year sent them a letter saying “Amateurs!”

Fiat Chrysler is being accused of paying dealers to inflate their auto sales figures. Authorities became suspicious when Chrysler dealers actually reported that people bought some of their cars.

A report says the income gap in the U.S. has widened as the poor continue to lose ground. Which is all in line with the new motto of Congress, “Rich lives matter!”

A report says the income gap in the U.S. has widened as the poor continue to lose ground. Mostly because Congress thinks that income equality means Americans having the same income as the people in Mexico, Ethiopia and Haiti.

Morgan Stanley sent a report telling its wealthiest customers that ride sharing site Uber is worth $48 a share. Although the wealthy have no idea what Uber even is, thinking ride sharing is when they have to take their staff on trips on their Gulf Stream V.

Snoop Dogg lashed out at Bill Gates when the Xbox Live video game network went down briefly. Apparently Snoop’s meltdown came out of frustration, his love of competition and trying to deal with problems before he has his first morning bong hit.

A poll says the government and economy have returned as the mot important problems listed by Americans. Which is good to see that at least for now things have gotten back to normal.

A study says that e-cigarettes don’t help smokers quit using tobacco. To which most teenagers who use e-cigarettes are saying “You can use these for tobacco?”

A study says the age of first time moms in the U.S. is still rising. Mostly because of the cancellation of “Teen Mom,” “Teen Mom 2” and “16 and Pregnant.”

A study says that health warnings on sugary sodas makes parents less likely to buy them for their kids. Although it does present a problem with what their children have to wash down all the foods with high levels of fat and salt that make them so thirsty.

A study says that stressed teens are at risk of developing type 2 diabetes as adults. Well, that news ought to help them relax a little bit.

A study says that stressed teens are at risk of developing type 2 diabetes as adults. As opposed to their friends who aren’t stressed because they sit on the couch playing video games all day and have already become diabetic as a teen.

Matthew Perry reportedly won’t be a part of the “Friends” reunion that was planned to honor director James Burrows. Apparently the cast members are not quite as close anymore which means any reunion will come under the title “Cordial Acquaintances.”

Run-D.M.C. will be the first rap act to win a Grammy for Lifetime Achievement. Mostly because they are the only rappers who have ever managed to survive past age 40.

A report says the Oakland Raiders have secured land for a move to San Antonio. The city is already preparing for the prestige of hosting an NFL team, revenue from new employment and triple the crime rate on any Sunday when the team plays at home.

A report says that Amazon could be moving into the ocean freight market. Which could pose some real problems for people who order a TV stand and see their lawn ripped up when it arrives at their front door by three tugboats and a cargo barge.

Super Bowl 50 will reportedly feature the ability for Virtual Reality headsets to put fans right in the game. For fans with no access to the headsets who want to experience what it is like to be a player, they can still just jump off the couch on every play and land on the concrete floor on their head.

Goldman Sachs will pay a $5 Billion fine for their part in creating the mortgage crisis back in 2007. Which they will just pay for by selling all the houses they foreclosed on because the owners didn’t qualify to get a home loan in the first place.

Goldman Sachs will pay a $5 Billion fine for their part in creating the mortgage crisis back in 2007. Executives there have learned that crime doesn’t pay as the fine means they will only get half their usual $10 Million bonuses this year.

NOAA says this year’s El Nino has tied for the longest episode on record. In fact, it’s been around so long that it will be changing its name from “El Nino” to “El Muchacho.”

Stephen Hawking has a new theory that black holes have “hair” that store information. Now that he has solved that mystery, he is looking into what mystical powers the hair on Donald Trump’s head have to make people actually still want to vote for him.

Scientists have discovered the most powerful supernova ever witnessed which has taken place more than 3,000 light years away. Astronomers say they have never seen a star implode so completely and spontaneously. Other than Charlie Sheen.

California has fined ride sharing site Uber $7.6 Million for failing to provide detailed information about its drivers and riders. Other than the fact they are both completely broke where drivers can’t find a real job or passengers afford their own car.

A legal battle is underway for who owns the intellectual property of Yosemite National Park. If the rights are handed over to a private company, Warner Brothers could soon be making cartoons featuring the new character “Bakersfield Sam.”

A survey says that 1 in 3 U.S. consumers use Windows 10. Researchers came up with that figure as the other 2 were the ones who were able to take the survey because they weren’t still waiting for their computers to boot up.

A report says the place where Salem “witches” were executed has been found. It was the biggest location of witch hunts ever discovered other than the congressional hearing chambers.

A study says that 80% of Americans say it is harder to be in the middle class than it was 25 years ago. They say it’s much easier to be in the upper class. Just be like Donald Trump and be born to wealthy parents and live your life as a pompous, arrogant jerk.

A study says that 80% of Americans say it is harder to be in the middle class than it was 25 years ago. The other 20% are economically secure enough to think that some day they might actually have a chance at actually becoming a part of the middle class.

Michigan Governor Rick Snyder is asking President Obama  to declare a state of emergency over the water crisis in Flint. To which the White House is saying they would have already but thought Flint was still under the state of emergency that was declared back in 1985.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It is Friday and I am sure you are all ready for the weekend. A chance to get away from the office, do what you want and know that it will be another two days before you are subjected to another batch of these jokes. Well, we all need a break sometime. I just hope you all never forget to take the time to keep on sending the love!

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