Thursday, January 14, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Google reports that its self-driving vehicles have logged more than 400,000 miles on California roads and had 272 “failures” where the cars didn’t properly sense a potentially dangerous real-world situation. Otherwise known as driving on a California highway.

Google reports that its self-driving vehicles have logged more than 400,000 miles on California roads and had 272 “failures” where the cars didn’t properly sense a potentially dangerous real-world situation. Which happens when you drive on the same roads as Paula Abdul, Lindsay Lohan and Mel Gibson.

A British man has donated sperm which has reportedly resulted in the births of 800 children. Although he still can’t touch Kevin Federline’s record for doing it the old fashioned way.

A Colorado woman is worried that a new cellphone tower near her home could affect the health of her ailing child. Who probably became ill in the first place for sitting on the couch staring at a cellphone all day.

Baltimore is planning to revitalize the city by tearing down 4,000 vacant buildings and replace them with new ones. What do you call demolishing 4,000 buildings in Baltimore? A good start.

A claim says that global warming could cause humans to develop webbed feet. Some scientists refute the claim, saying whomever is making those statements needs to put their money where their bill is.

A claim says that global warming could cause humans to develop webbed feet. Which if nothing else means that after that happens all of Michael Phelps’ swimming records are pretty much history.

Scientists are saying that global warming will delay the next ice age by 100,000 years. Which the way things are going now, by then people will be asking “What’s ice?”

Georgia is set to execute the state’s oldest death row inmate next month at age 72. When asked the secret of his longevity, the prisoner says “appeals.”

Georgia is set to execute the state’s oldest death row inmate next month at age 72. Apparently the state’s new form of death penalty choices now includes old age.

Georgia is set to execute the state’s oldest death row inmate next month at age 72. Apparently it has taken so long because budget problems have forced the state to wait until the lethal injection drugs were covered by the inmates Medicare plan.

The search for the missing Malaysia Airlines jet has led to the discovery of a shipwreck. The bad part is the ship went down while looking for the missing Malaysia airlines jet.

The search for the missing Malaysia Airlines jet has led to the discovery of a shipwreck. So far searchers have also found three tires, a few dozen empty bottles and several pairs of boots.

Al Jazeera America is shutting down. The network sites the reasons for closing as the economy, the political climate and all the cable viewership going to “The Kardashians.”

Al Jazeera America is shutting down. People were shocked. Mostly wondering how CNN is managing to stay on the air all this time.

Michigan Governor Rick Snyder is calling the National Guard to deliver drinking water to Flint residents door to door. The only question is why is there a place in Michigan where the National Guard isn’t already on duty just because it is Michigan.

The S&P 500 has dropped 10% since November in what is now being called a “correction.” Although the only real correction being felt so far is the moving back of the retirement date for anyone with a 401(k) plan that is investing in stocks.

Strategists are saying that China’s economy may outperform the U.S. in 2016. Which at this point with the national debt and stock market performance means all they have to do to beat us is stay solvent through December.

Strategists are saying that China’s economy may outperform the U.S. in 2016. Which will pretty much be based on which one decides to crash first.

A survey says that one fourth of all companies say they would pay a ransom to hackers to prevent a cyberattack. The other three fourths are already paying a fortune for tech experts to remove all the malware from their workers watching online porn all day.

The FDA has given the OK for a company’s genetically engineered potato. Which is not to be confused with most people’s definition of a genetically engineered potato which they more commonly call a “teenager.”

The NTSB says its top wish for 2016 is the development of self-braking cars. To which Chrysler is saying no problem, they just need to figure out once they stop how to get them going again.

The San Jose city council has approved expanding the city’s fruit and vegetable carts to more locations. Apparently the city feels that they can support the number of places to buy fruit and vegetables increasing all the way from one to as many as two.

A dating site says that business picks up during the start of the year but cools off after February 1st. Mostly because it takes about a month until men’s wives discover they have signed on to a dating site.

Pokemon will celebrate its 20th anniversary by playing an ad during the Super Bowl. Although most kids who spent their childhood collecting Pokemon cards have no idea there is such a thing as sports.

A report says a record 30,000 organ transplants were performed in the U.S. last year. Which is still way short of the more than a million procedures involving men’s hair transplants.

A report says a record 30,000 organ transplants were performed in the U.S. last year. Although surgeons were a lot more busy leaving people’s organs as they are while they reshaped their noses, bellies and lips.

A report says that winter weather can be bad for people’s hearts. Mostly after a cold snap when they open their monthly heating bill.

A study says that 40% of doctors admit a bias against some groups of patients including those with mental health issues, weight problems or language barriers. The other 60% of doctors only discriminate against people who don’t have any health insurance.

A nurse in New Mexico accidentally cut off a newborn baby’s toe. The parents are worried that the baby will be traumatized from being part of the worst game ever of “This Little Piggy.”

A study says that some male enhancement supplements could be dangerous. Especially when the users’ wives find them stashed in their car’s glove compartment.

A study says that 42% of video games feature characters who are smoking cigarettes, cigars or vaping. Although none of those activities are still as bad for someone’s health as sitting around playing the video games all day.

A study says that weight loss surgery may reduce depression in some patients. Possibly the ones who are depressed about having no social life, job and can’t leave the house  because they are 300 pounds overweight.

A plane carrying Khloe Kardashian had to make an emergency landing in Las Vegas. The reasons for the landing in Las Vegas are unclear but may have had something to do with an electrical problem, fuel issue or unexpected Botox treatment.

A plane carrying Khloe Kardashian had to make an emergency landing in Las Vegas. It isn’t clear if the diversion was made to Las Vegas because of the weather, mechanical difficulties or if Lamar Odom had disappeared again.

A report says that the boy band One Direction is splitting up for good. Which everyone pretty much agrees if One Direction is splitting up, it is good.

A report says that the boy band One Direction is splitting up for good. Although most music fans would be more happy to hear that Justin Bieber is splitting up.

St. Louis Mayor Francis Slay ripped the NFL and says he has “no appetite” in seeking another team. Which is easy to see how a team that hasn’t had a winning record since 2003 could cause anyone to lose their appetite.

The Mayor of San Diego says he wants a fresh start with talks with the Chargers over a new stadium. Which the Chargers say would be nice of San Diego to build for them considering it will be somewhere in L.A.

The Jacksonville Jaguars say they have no interest in moving to St. Louis. Apparently they are very content to just keep losing all their games in a much milder climate.

A report says that if Johnny Manziel leaves Cleveland, 31 of the 32 NFL teams have a low interest in him. The worst part is that the one team that he would like to play for that has a great location near the Budweiser brewery is moving out of town.

Olympic gold medalist skier Picabo Street has been charged with pushing her father down the stairs. The worst part is that on the way down he missed two gates.

Olympic gold medalist skier Picabo Street has been charged with pushing her father down the stairs. Her dad is reportedly OK, and is even considering taking some lessons on how to fall down stairs properly from Bode Miller.

The San Diego Chargers could be moving to L.A. as early as this year. It will be the most widely watched trip up the 405 Freeway without Al Cowlings behind the wheel.

A lawsuit claims that Twitter “knowingly permitted” terrorists to use their social media. Apparently it has something to do with them allowing the address “@deathtoallyouinfidels!”

Google Chairman Eric Schmidt is reportedly set to have a meeting with Pope Francis I. Apparently the Pope wants to see if Schmidt can do something to erase all the Google hits showing that he had a meeting with that crazy county clerk in Kentucky.

GoPro stock has dropped 24% in just one day. The good news is that the most exciting video GoPro has made yet was attaching one of its cameras to its stock and recording the entire free fall.

GoPro stock has dropped 24% in just one day. The good news is that the way things are going with the stock market, demand may increase for stock brokers who want a GoPro camera to wear when they jump out their window.

The Obama Administration is expected to announce efforts to create self-driving cars. So far the closest the government has come is the way Congress continues to steer the entire economy over a cliff.

A proposed bill in Florida would allow anyone to become a “citizen archaeologist” and dig for artifacts with a $100 permit. Although anyone in Florida looking for ancient human relics just needs to go to any Carrows during the early bird dinner.

A record low 1 in 10 Americans watched the State of the Union address. The other 9 were more interested in reality TV which is exactly the opposite of listening to how well the country is supposedly doing.

Donald Trump has rejected the support of a white nationalist group backing him in Iowa. Which is otherwise known as Iowa.

Ted Cruz has won the endorsement of “Duck Dynasty” leader Phil Robertson. Now all that is left is getting endorsements from the other representatives of the core beliefs of main stream America, the cast members of “The Kardashians” and “Honey Boo Boo.”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Did any of you watch the State of the Union address on Tuesday? Me neither. Who wants to spend all that time listening to the President say what he is going to do while the Republican members of Congress are all thinking “That’s not gonna happen”? Although presidential speeches at least give people a reason to check in to see if CNN is still on the air. Are they? While you probably didn’t watch the speech, I am just glad you are still checking in on this site. Now all I need is for you to remember every day to make sure to always send the love!

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