Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The Vatican paid a special tribute to David Bowie who died earlier this week. Who knew the reason the Pope wears red shoes is so he can dance the blues?

Patriots head coach Bill Belichick showed up at a news conference on Tuesday sporting a black eye. Wouldn’t you know he was hit during practice with the one ball Tom Brady forgot to deflate.

USC students will now be required to detail their sexual history before registering for courses. Mostly to give professors first pick on which coeds they want to let into their classes.

USC students will now be required to detail their sexual history before registering for courses. Which threw a real scare into the members on the football team who thought it meant they might actually have to actually take some classes.

A thief at an Oregon pet store walked out after stuffing a python down their pants. Authorities weren’t sure if the culprit wanted an exotic pet they couldn’t afford, sell it to make money or was looking to ask out Paris Hilton.

The Wall Street disastrous start to 2016 has caused $1 Trillion to vanish from the stock market. Which gives everyone else an idea what it is like for the people who had a portfolio that was invested heavily in Twitter.

The Wall Street disastrous start to 2016 has caused $1 Trillion to vanish from the stock market. Or as Congress calls making $1 Trillion disappear, a pretty good Tuesday.

Doctors in England have gone on strike over pay and working hours. Hopefully it won’t end up like the country’s dentists who went on strike in 1957 but no one has still even noticed.

A study says people claim to be happier in their 40s than they are at 18. Mostly because they realize at that point they are only 20 years away from finally paying off their college tuition loans instead of just getting ready to sign their lives away.

59 year old Jerry Hall is engaged to 84 year old Fox CEO Rupert Murdoch. Fortunately for Murdoch, Hall dated Mick Jagger for 23 years and thinks that Murdoch looks pretty good after hanging out all that time with Keith Richards.

A poll says that 43% of Americans list themselves as political independents. Which means they are at a disadvantage from the other 57% who at least have the other party to blame for everything that is wrong with the country.

A poll says that 43% of Americans list themselves as political independents. Which is a good thing, because if they had also picked a side we would pretty much have enough people with strong enough feelings to start another civil war.

The U.S. Supreme Court has voided part of the Florida death penalty statute. Part of the statute? What does that mean, Florida can no longer put people to death but can now get away with inflicting serious injury?

The U.S. Supreme Court has voided part of the Florida death penalty statute where the jury has only an advisory role. Having an advisory role is a common practice in Florida, pretty much like the part the voters get to play in their elections.

Puerto Rico’s troubled power company reportedly lacks $1 Billion it owes creditors. People were shocked. When did Puerto Rico get electricity?

The Nigerian Parliament reportedly lost its 2016 budget documents which has delayed any discussion on the proposal. To which members of the U.S. Congress are asking “Why didn’t we think of that?”

The Nigerian Parliament reportedly lost its 2016 budget documents which has delayed any discussion on the proposal. It all depends anyway on how much money the country has to spend from e-mails generated by all the Nigerian princes.

A report says that a bombing in Istanbul may deal a blow to the region’s tourism. Which is amazing that there even is any tourism when people are considering the safest place in the Middle East to be Iran.

A report says that a bombing in Istanbul may deal a blow to the region’s tourism. Although when people in the U.S. hear of tourism and Turkey, they think it has to do with driving to Ohio to visit the relatives at Thanksgiving.

DHS Secretary Jeh Johnson was picked as the “designated survivor” to miss the State of the Union address in case of a disaster. Although in the past few years the biggest disaster associated with the State of the Union speech is the Republican rebuttal.

DHS Secretary Jeh Johnson was picked as the “designated survivor” to miss the State of the Union address in case of a disaster. It is a highly coveted title as the person picked is being trusted to possibly become President, is put into the national spotlight and doesn’t have to sit through the speech.

The Power Ball jackpot is now up to $1.5 Billion which would put the winner at number 1,250 on the Forbes list of global billionaires. Which means all the winner would need is a bad haircut and some insane ideas and they could even consider a run for President.

Google says it is forming a virtual reality division. The goal is to make a system so real that Google employees will be able to experience what it would be like to go out on an actual date with another human.

An analyst at the Royal Bank of Scotland is telling investors to “sell everything.” Which could really affect the market dramatically if there were more than three people who had anything left to sell.

An analyst at the Royal Bank of Scotland is telling investors to “sell everything.” Which would be taken more seriously if it came out of a country where men wear pants, don’t start drinking before noon and would punch a waiter who served them a plate of haggis.

Delta has passed United as the #2 airline by traffic. Although United expects to reclaim the position just as soon as they get all the passengers back home on their flights that took off back in 2013.

Amazon is facing a government fine for failing to report warehouse injuries to workers. It’s just a good thing for the company that they don’t have to report any injuries to the people who try to assemble any furnishings they ordered through Amazon.

The owner of Philadelphia’s major newspapers has created a new non-profit. Or as most people in media have called non-profits for the past 20 years, “newspapers.”

A report says that energy companies have lost $124 Billion in profits compared with 2008. Which people wouldn’t even care about if the new most profitable business was anything other than the Kardashian family.

A report says that energy companies have lost $124 Billion in profits compared with 2008. Which affects most people about the same way as seeing Donald Trump lose another ten points in the polls.

An economics professor says that people can expect to make back $1.05 on every $2 Power Ball ticket. Which means all anyone needs to buy 1.9 Billion tickets and the lottery is pretty much theirs.

Data shows international visits to the U.S. were up 4% for the first half of 2015. Which probably has something to do with a 4% cutback on agents patrolling the area along the Mexico border.

A study says that many people who have surgery for severe obesity have mental health conditions. Which finally explains Rosie O’Donnell, Sharon Osbourne and Chris Christie.

A report says that the obesity for pets continues to rise. Which means there really is something to that saying that after time most pets start to resemble their owners.

Doctors in India found a man had blurred vision because of a worm living in his eye. Which was a coincidence because he was also complaining about a song he couldn’t get out of his head because of an ear worm.

A study says that most people prefer to hire or date people are open about and don’t try to hide their unsavory behaviors. Which explains the career and love life success all those years for Charlie Sheen.

A study says that most people prefer to hire or date people are open about and don’t try to hide their unsavory behaviors. Although just see how far you really get asking a woman on a date and saying you still live in your parents’ basement, have no car and are almost over your latest outbreak of herpes.

A study says that teens are using fewer drugs but they still smoke pot. Which means they aren’t using the other drugs because after smoking weed they are too lazy to get off the couch to see what is in their parents’ medicine cabinet.

Kylie Jenner says her New Year’s resolution is to “realize stuff.” Hopefully that will mean realizing how annoying the entire Kardashian family has become.

One day after Alabama won the National Championship game, oddsmakers named Alabama, Oklahoma and Clemson as the favorites for next year’s CFP championship game. Which still isn’t as bad as the media waiting until the day after the 2016 election to start naming the frontrunners for 2020.

One of the candidates for FIFA president is South African businessman Tokyo Sexwale. Which sounds more like the worst nightmare ever for anyone working with Greenpeace.

NASA astronaut Jeff Williams says that politics haven’t reached the International Space Station. Mostly because the Americans don’t want to say anything bad about Vladimir Putin knowing they may one day have to take it right back if Donald Trump gets elected.

A Google executive says that drone delivery could be a reality in one year. To which an AOL executive says that means that people using their service should start ordering now.

A report says that the Apple Watch is dominating the smartwatch market in less than a year. Most people were surprised. Someone else thinks there is a market for selling smartwatches?

Microsoft says it is pulling support from Internet Explorer versions 8,9 and 10. Which really doesn’t matter since the only people using that are the ones who still have computers trying to work on Windows 95, XP or Vista.

Iran is discussing becoming the Mideast hub for renewable energy. Mostly because they know the U.S. will never invade them if the only energy they are making is from the Sun, wind or the ocean.

A poll says that 68% of Americans feel the country is on the wrong track. The real question is who are the 32% who still think things are going well?

A poll says that 68% of Americans feel the country is on the wrong track. The other 32% want to finish the job and have us go completely off the rails by voting for Donald Trump.

Joe Biden says that Bernie Sanders and not Hillary Clinton understands income inequality. Although no one knows inequality better than Biden who set his eyes on the White House and ended up as Vice President.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! For the second straight day I have started this blog out with a joke about David Bowie. I think today’s gag is pretty funny, and it shows that I am really still upset about his passing this week. I don’t know of anyone who has had as much influence on pop culture as Bowie did during his nearly 50 years as an icon. So just another shout out to possibly the greatest performer of our time. I hope you listen to some of his songs to realize how great he was over such a long stretch. I will certainly miss him and hope you will give him a thought while you take the time to remember to send the love!

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