Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Germany is crediting the late David Bowie with helping to topple the Berlin Wall. Coincidentally, Justin Bieber is being credited with the movement to build a wall between the U.S. and Canada.

Dating site Tinder is secretly calculating “desirability” ratings for users. Which in most cases has to do with size, meaning bust measurement for women and bank account for men.

A woman shoplifter in South Carolina reportedly bit off the finger of a Wal-Mart worker. So much for the store’s new digital security system.

A woman shoplifter in South Carolina reportedly bit off the finger of a Wal-Mart worker. Which is what happens when that is all there is at the end of the long arm of the law.

Gallup says the number of people identifying themselves as Democrats has reached a record low. Although that number is expected to go up exponentially the minute Donald Trump gets the Republican presidential nomination.

Gallup says the number of people identifying themselves as Democrats has reached a record low. Party leaders are hoping they can get the totals back up close to the number of people currently running to be the Republican presidential nominee.

Freeze dried pills containing fecal matter are being touted to take on the obesity epidemic. Don’t we already have that? It’s called the Taco Bell Diet.

Google Chairman Eric Schmidt says that Artificial Intelligence will solve the world’s population problem. Mostly just from the fact that once robot sex is perfected, all the geeks, nerds and dorks will pretty much be done with even trying to reproduce.

A study says that Ohio State’s football program is the most valuable in the country, worth $94.7 Million. Which is still a bargain considering the value of the Cleveland Browns is nearly a billion dollars and they couldn’t take on the Ohio State JV team.

A survey says that 60% of the women in tech face sexual harassment. The other 40% know not to wear “Star Wars” shirts to the office.

A survey says that 60% of the women in tech face sexual harassment. Which gets high marks for the industry, placing it somewhere around 40% lower than all other professions.

A survey puts Apple at the top of a list of most relevant brands. Mostly because it’s tough to not be considered relevant when the majority of people have their eyes glued to the screen of an iPhone, iPad or MacBook for 20 or more hours a day.

The price of oil has dropped to levels not seen since 2003. The only difference is that 13 years ago most people had a job that paid them enough to fill up their car at the pump.

L.A. County says it saw a record 45.5 Million visitors in 2015. Which is nice to see they have finally come up with a less offensive name for what used to be called “illegal immigrants.”

L.A. County says it saw a record 45.5 Million visitors in 2015. The three most popular destinations for the visitors were Disneyland, Universal Studios and the parking lot at Home Depot.

AT&T is offering unlimited mobile date to their cable subscribers. Which comes in handy for people who can use their cellphones to go online and see what programs they would be able to be watching if their cable connection was ever actually working.

Porsche is reportedly spending $1 Billion to develop its new Mission E electric sports car. How far have we sunk when men will soon be calling in to work saying they can’t make it to the office because their kids unplugged the car to charge their iPhones?

The Federal Reserve sent $97.7 Billion in profits to the U.S. Treasury in 2015. Which pretty much ended up with the same result as handing $1,000 to a cocaine addict and thinking it is going to be used to pay the bills.

The IRS is planning on using private debt collectors on tax delinquents. Which with the layoffs in the gambling industry may mean instead of getting a phone call to pay off your tax bill you might have two guys named “Vinnie” at your back door threatening to break your legs.

The IRS is planning on using private debt collectors on tax delinquents. In fact, so far they have already tripled the amount of money they were previously collecting ever since they outsourced the job to several Nigerian princes.

Weight Watchers stock dropped 35% just last week. To show how volatile the market can be, the loss was blamed on a picture of Oprah tearing into a slice of cheesecake.

Weight Watchers stock dropped 35% just last week. The bad news is that when the company says there was a loss of several pounds, they were talking about the company’s stock price on the London Stock Exchange.

The Playboy Mansion in L.A. is on the market for $200 Million, the only catch being 89 year old resident Hugh Hefner will be allowed to live there the rest of his life. At least that’s what is being assumed since the listing price says it includes all the antique furnishings.

The Playboy Mansion in L.A. is on the market for $200 Million, the only catch being 89 year old resident Hugh Hefner will be allowed to live there the rest of his life. The worst part is that the sale is being listed as a “restoration” which means the new owner will have to pay the cost of Hef’s Viagra prescription.

A study says the wage gap between the sexes may fuel anxiety and depression for women. The worst part is that the main reason is that women’s pay and benefits don’t cover the expense of them going to therapy.

A report says that a large number of birth weight predictions by doctors are wrong. Which can be remedied by doctors just saying they predict their child will weigh more than 300 pounds by the time they are a young adult.

A study says that heartburn drugs are being linked to kidney disease. Not so much from the drugs as the fact that most the people are washing them down with soda, beer and energy drinks.

A report says that exercise may help treat and prevent low back pain. To which most people are saying, “What’s the next suggestion?”

A report says that exercise may help treat and prevent low back pain. Which is ironic in that most back pain is experienced by people who haven’t gotten up from the couch other than to go to the kitchen for another bag of Cheetos and six pack of beer.

Consumer Reports has rated the effectiveness of gadgets and drugs that claim to help people get a good night’s sleep. The study found the best way to fall asleep is to try to read an entire issue of Consumer Reports.

Researchers say that humans are programmed to overeat during the cold winter months. Which goes along with previous studies that show we are also programmed to overeat during the spring, summer and fall.

A survey says that three fourths of young American adults would delay going to the hospital if they showed symptoms of having a stroke. Especially the ones who are having stroke symptoms after getting the bill for their last hospital visit.

A study says that half of all U.S. teens are exposed to secondhand smoke. The worst part is that it is from the cigarettes that are being smoked by their younger siblings.

A study says that half of all U.S. teens are exposed to secondhand smoke. Which just shows how bad the economy really is when kids can’t even afford to buy brand new cigarettes.

A report says that the name most commonly shared by geniuses is “John.” Conversely, the name least associated with having any level of even normal intelligence is “The Donald.”

An Ohio fugitive sent police a selfie to use instead of the mugshot that he wasn’t happy with. Ironically, he was arrested in the first place for trying to use a selfie stick at Disney World.

An Ohio fugitive sent police a selfie to use instead of the mugshot that he wasn’t happy with. Which is a good thing that being a narcissist isn’t a crime or Donald Trump might be running his first term as President from a jail cell.

Prosecutors say they won’t charge Lamar Odom with any crimes after his drug overdosed weekend at a brothel. Apparently they think it is punishment enough that he has been placed back in the care of the Kardashian family.

The coach of the University of Utah basketball team has canceled its annual game against BYU for “safety reasons.” Apparently he was upset that last year’s contest ended up with his star forward marrying three of the other team’s cheerleaders.

NASA has reportedly formed a new office to protect the Earth from asteroids. The only question is who will protect the Earth from wayward NASA rocket launches?

U.S. auto safety regulators say that only Chrysler vehicles are vulnerable to hacks through their radio system. The good news is that with the road condition of most Chryslers, all the hackers will be able to do is select the song that is playing.

Apple is reportedly testing a new feature for its devices that could help users get more sleep. Don’t they already have that feature? It’s called the “off” switch.

Ford is testing driverless cars on the snowy streets of Michigan. Not so much for the weather but to see how effective it is to let everyone keep their heads down below the windows so they don’t get shot at while driving through Detroit.

Yahoo stock dropped below $30 a share on persistent layoff rumors. Mostly people who are holding off on buying Yahoo stock until one of the layoffs is Marissa Mayer.

A new prescription delivery service called “Zipdrug” makes home deliveries for people who don’t like to go to the pharmacy. What’s even better is that when they branch out to medicinal marijuana they can also work together with Domino’s and pick up a couple of pizzas on the same delivery.

Some big eared statues discovered in Egypt are believed to represent an ancient Egyptian power couple. There hasn’t been a power couple with such prominent ears until the simultaneous administrations of Prince Charles and Barack Obama.

Hillary Clinton is pointing out that Donald Trump was a Democrat before he made the switch to the GOP. To which Trump says he made the transition because of the change in the economy, the political landscape and that there was no way he couldn’t win against the rest of the people running for the Republican nomination.

Bernie Sanders says the U.S. should have a serious national discussion about sexuality. Which some people are saying didn’t we already do that with the whole Caitlyn Jenner thing?

Bernie Sanders says the U.S. should have a serious national discussion about sexuality. Which the last thing most people want is a 74 year old man from Vermont talking to them about sex.

Bernie Sanders says the U.S. should have a serious national discussion about sexuality. To which most people says what does he think the texting feature on the smartphone is for?

The top GOP taxwriter is calling for a corporate tax rate of less than 20%. To which most corporate tax lawyers are upset, saying that could result in them dealing with a nearly 20% tax increase.

The House has voted to give former presidents a pension cut. Which is no big deal for Bernie Sanders who by the time he finishes his first term would already have been collecting Social Security checks for more than 20 years.

A poll says that Millennials would support an election between Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump. Which could turn into a real battle between the candidates to try to sway all three of the Millennials who will actually go to the polls on election day.

Hillary Clinton is proposing a 4% tax on the super-rich. Which has billionaires up in arms about the prospect of having to pay as much as 4% in income tax if she is elected.

Hillary Clinton is proposing a 4% tax on the super-rich. Which means she is already planning to beat Donald Trump in November and then hit him again after he loses.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I have to say I was really bummed out at the news of David Bowie dying this past Sunday. “Bummed out” is a term that would be understood by anyone who grew up during Bowie’s heyday of the 1970s. I was a huge Bowie fan and still am. I went to see him at the Fabulous Forum in L.A. back around 1976, on the Thin White Duke tour to support the “Station to Station” album. It was a great show and was just awesome to see him on the stage. Like everyone else, I had no idea he was ill as he kept it secret and was really surprised by the news of his passing. I guess I just figured he would keep going on forever since he was David Bowie. Although it was still impressive he made it to 69 considering he was a major rock star through the cocaine-laced ‘70s, ‘80s and ‘90s. A very sad goodbye to one of the great superstars in music history. Not to mention his contributions to art, fashion, cinema and anything else he put any effort into. I hope you give him a few moments of your time and think about him, right around the time you sit down at your computer to make sure to remember to send the love!
 

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