Sunday, January 10, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The Seahawks and Vikings played their wild card playoff game in sub-zero temperatures wearing specially designed underwear. It is the first time special underwear has ever been used in professional sports other than the Senior PGA Tour.

The federal government reportedly paid an Amtrak worker to spy on passengers. Apparently government researchers were working on compiling a list of Americans with a death wish.

A survey says that 74% of Republicans think that Donald Trump will be the party’s presidential nominee. The other 26% also agree but couldn’t take the survey because they are busy packing their bags to leave the country.

A rare 1895 dime has sold at auction for $2 Million. It is being called the biggest markup in history other than for anyone who has ever used a hotel minibar.

Twitter stock has fallen to an all time low. The good news is that instead of 140 characters, the company’s monthly financial report now just takes one “0.”

Twitter stock has fallen to an all time low. What’s even worse is that people who invested in Twitter have lost more money than the ones who did business via tweeting with a Nigerian Prince.

Mexican drug kingpin El Chapo was recaptured after authorities were tipped off where he was because he had contacted actors and producers to make a biopic of his life. Even Donald Trump is asking how someone can have an ego that big?

The FIFA ethics body has informed Sepp Blatter and Michel Platini of the grounds for their ban from the sport. Soccer fans were surprised. When did FIFA get an ethics committee?

The FIFA ethics body has informed Sepp Blatter and Michel Platini of the grounds for their ban from the sport. Apparently they are being booted for using PEDs. “Performance Enhancing Dollars.”

A patient in a Russian hospital has died after being punched by a doctor. No one even knew that Kaiser Permanente HMOs were doing business in Russia.

President Obama is set to tout Detroit’s comeback in his final State of the Union speech. Which most political experts take to mean the auto industry and not the Lions, Pistons or Tigers.

President Obama is set to tout Detroit’s comeback in his final State of the Union speech. Especially Chrysler, which is the greatest success story of all in still being able to flim flam people into buying their cars.

The government says that nearly 300,000 jobs were added to the economy in December. Mostly bouncers who were hired by Wal-Mart, Kmart and Best Buy to break up all the brawls with shoppers looking for deals on Black Friday.

The government says that nearly 300,000 jobs were added to the economy in December. The bad news is that with the Dow already losing 1,000 points in 2016, the new hires with 401(k) plans will have to stay in those jobs another 50 years before they can even think of retiring.

United Airlines has been fined $2.75 Million for tarmac delays and poor treatment of disabled passengers. Mostly people who needed wheelchairs to get through the airport after their plane was stuck sitting on the tarmac for three days.

United Airlines has been fined $2.75 Million for poor treatment of disabled passengers. Apparently it had something to do with their new $150 fee they charge if disabled passengers don’t want to be made to get their own wheelchair out of the airplane hold.

Pfizer has hiked the price of more than 100 drugs to start the new year. At least it is no longer a mystery where the CEO who got booted out of that one company for raising the price of an AIDS drug 5,000% ended up.

Pfizer has hiked the price of more than 100 drugs to start the new year. They were especially cruel in raising them just in time so people waking up on New Year’s Day found the price skyrocketed on all the drugs that can be used to cure a hangover.

A rise in food prices in China pushed the country’s inflation rate up 1.6%. Mostly from people who found they had to pay more at the supermarket for “beef” because of an increase in the price of donkey, fox and weasel meat.

A proposed bill in Congress would force well endowed colleges to help more with student tuition. It would be the biggest tax ever placed on large endowments since the 1990s surcharge on silicone.

The American Dialect Society has picked “they” as the word of the year because of its usefulness for people who don’t want to be identified by “he” or “she.” Which means that Caitlyn Jenner has finally finished the job that was started by Michael Jackson.

The American Dialect Society has picked “they” as the word of the year because of its usefulness for people who don’t want to be identified by “he” or “she.” Or in the case of “Star Wars” fans, people who don’t want to be identified by “dork,” “nerd” or “geek.”

A report says Nevada casinos lost $662 Million last year. Not at the gaming tables, but on the losses they took by trying to bring people in to gamble by offering them an all-you-can-eat buffet.

A report says Nevada casinos lost $662 Million last year. All it took was the five people who actually put money down on the Royals winning the World Series.

Chipotle is being sued by a group of investors who say they were misled by the company into buying its stock. To which executives at Chrysler, United Airlines and Time Warner Cable were in panic mode, saying “They can do that?”

A study says that social ties are as important as exercise and eating well, saying that people with a social network are less likely to have a high Body Mass Index and large waist size. Mostly because no one wants to hang out with a bunch of fatties.

Campbell Soup says it will label any genetically modified foods it is using. Which is ironic in the fact that they make Spaghetti-Os which is the food responsible for the genetic modification of most kids under 10.

A study says that kids’ sports injuries that end up in the ER are on the increase. People were surprised. Since when did kids start playing sports again?

A study says that kids’ sports injuries that end up in the ER are on the increase. The sad part is the most common injuries are “Mario Brothers thumb,” “Pac-Man wrist” and “Grand Theft Auto eye strain.”

The UK government says there is no safe limit for drinking alcohol. Which is fine with the Irish who aren’t familiar with the concept of a limit for drinking alcohol in the first place.

The first medical marijuana dispensaries have opened in New York. The move is being praised as it will help people suffering from pain, cut down on using more addictive drugs and increase business at Manhattan food carts by 1,000%.

Madonna tearfully addressed some “challenging times” she is going through during a recent concert. Mostly being 57 years old and now having to wear clothes when she performs.

Susan Sarandon has been named the new face of L’Oreal Paris at age 69. Apparently the makeup company made the announcement in an awkward way, saying they were adding a new wrinkle to their products.

Justin Bieber was reportedly kicked out of an ancient ruins in Mexico because of his behavior. Which is the first time that “ruin” has been used along with “Justin Bieber” when not describing his music.

A Kim Kardashian look-alike admits she had some plastic surgery. Which is no big deal because plastic surgery is how Kim Kardashian came to look like Kim Kardashian.

A Kim Kardashian look-alike admits she had some plastic surgery. And if she has 60 or 70 more procedures she can become a Cher look-alike.

New smart shoes are equipped to help people improve their running form. The only question is how much more advice does anyone need to improve their running form than to keep putting one foot in front of the other, only faster.

Microsoft is planning on turning self-driving cars into mobile offices with dash-mounted Windows 10. The good news is that having Windows 10 installed in a GM self-driving car will help it navigate itself to the closest dealer for each new recall.

Microsoft is planning on turning self-driving cars into mobile offices with dash-mounted Windows 10. Which will be good for people who start their cars up on Monday and hope that Windows 10 boots up in time for them to get some work done by Wednesday.

A Lincoln MKZ is being exhibited at the Consumer Electronics Show that is modified to be driven with a video game controller. Which is good to know that we will have a generation of drivers coming up who have honed their road skills on “Grand Theft Auto.”

Studies say that humans can blame their allergies on early breeding with Neanderthals. Which finally explains why Sylvester Stallone always sounds so congested when he talks.

Researchers are pushing for a new designation of an “Age of Man” geologic time period. Mostly because they want to get it done now because they figure we only have four more years of mankind if Donald Trump makes it into the White House.

Researchers are pushing for a new designation of an “Age of Man” geologic time period which would start around 1610. Mostly so that Man can finally get credit for taking only 400 years to destroy what nature took 4 Billion years to create.

A study of MRIs show that childbirth has effects on women’s bodies like injuries sustained by athletes. That doesn’t even include the concussions suffered from moms hitting their heads against the wall when their kids become teenagers.

A study of MRIs show that childbirth has effects on women’s bodies like injuries sustained by athletes. Although when is the last time you saw an athlete down on the field yelling at their trainer “You did this to me!”?

A new GoSun grill uses solar energy to cook food. The only problem is that one solar flare out can ruin an entire cookout.

New York City is planning to have Wi-Fi available in every subway station by the end of the year. Which is good news for subway riders who can now watch Internet porn and imagine they are having sex with someone other than the perv who is groping them.

Dating site OkCupid is now allowing users to identify themselves as polyamorous, who are involved in a relationship or are married but want to carry on with other people. As opposed to how people like that were previously defined on dating sites, “men.”

Dating site OkCupid is now allowing users to identify themselves as polyamorous, involved in a relationship but wanting to see other people. Which is not to be confused with people who think being being polyamorous means being in love with a parrot.

San Francisco rents have passed Manhattan as the most expensive in the U.S. Many people are now finding they have to downsize their style of living, trading in their spacious refrigerator box for a more compact one story dishwasher crate.

A 183 year old tortoise has a new lease on life after being given a new healthier diet. Which means if the diet proves to work well enough to take the tortoise that close to starting a third century, it could inspire another Senate reelection run for John McCain.

A 183 year old tortoise has a new lease on life after being given a new healthier diet. The question is what could possibly be wrong with a diet that has already worked to make it to 183?

A study has matched the beers and liquors that are most popular with each NFL team’s fans. For instance, in Cleveland the pick of most fans is “I’ll have whatever Johnny Manziel is drinking today.”

A 14 year old Pennsylvania boy has come up with a plan for the government to save millions of dollars by just using a smaller font for printing. For one thing, it would save a fortune just on the ink used to print out all the digits to show the current national deficit.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The NFL playoffs are officially underway, or as we Raiders fans call that looking ahead to baseball season. Just think, if the Raiders were a great team like they used to be it would take a lot of time away from my joke writing in order to watch them, and then all of you would be made to suffer without the current quality and count. Am I right? I said, am I right? Never mind. All I know is that next month pitchers and catchers report and then in March it is Spring Training and all will be good again with the world. The only thing that ever makes it better is when you all take the time to remember to always send the love!

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