Sunday, January 03, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A report says the demand for panic rooms in homes is increasing. Which shouldn’t be mistaken with the term “panic room” which since 2007 makes most people think of the floor of the New York Stock Exchange.

A report says the demand for panic rooms in homes is increasing. Mostly from women who find themselves at Bill Cosby’s house when he suddenly excuses himself to go to the medicine cabinet.

A report says the demand for panic rooms in homes is increasing. Mostly people who are afraid of terrorists, random home invasions or are planning on inviting Mel Gibson to be a house guest.

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un says he is “ready for war” if provoked by invasive outsiders. Now all he needs is a reason for any other country to actually want to invade North Korea.

An English woman spends five hours a day on Facebook promoting her cats who now have more than a million followers. The sad part is that she barely has enough time left in the day to update her own Facebook page with pictures of every meal she eats.

An English woman spends five hours a day on Facebook promoting her cats who now have more than a million followers. It turns out the followers are other cats that want to spend all day looking at bowls of “Nine Lives” cat food while watching people videos.

Several universities are now offering classes in craft beer making. Apparently they are for students who want to learn everything they can about beer but couldn’t get accepted into a fraternity.

Michael Jordan’s son Marcus is starting a new retail line. His goals are to market his own designs, inspire others to succeed and mostly to avoid being sued by his dad for unauthorized use of the family name.

Gun sales have reportedly surged by 20% in Switzerland. Mostly from people who realize it is tough to defend yourself with the corkscrew, nail file and bottle opener that pop up first when trying to use a Swiss Army knife.

Gun sales have reportedly surged by 20% in Switzerland. Apparently there is an increasing number of people who are finding firearms a much easier shortcut to the final step in making Swiss cheese.

A billboard in Utah advertises a dating site called “where white people meet.” Which for a dating site in Utah is pretty much redundant.

Chief Justice John Roberts says lawyers should avoid antagonistic tactics” in the courtroom. Which was followed by looking away while nodding his head in the direction of Justice Antonin Scalia.

The ratings for college football bowl games dropped 36% over last year. Apparently it has something to do with the people who are just unable to watch more than seven channels at the same time.

Somali extremists are reportedly using Donald Trump to recruit followers. Republicans are furious over the news saying they thought of it first.

Somali extremists are reportedly using Donald Trump to recruit followers. It is working so well that terrorists are now using the catch phrase “You’re fired!” every time they cut off someone’s head.

The frontrunner in Taiwan’s presidential election says people “want a government that listens.” As opposed to the U.S. where the people just want to hear the candidates to lead the government throw insults at each other.

A Las Vegas man who was killed by police turned out to be holding a phone and not a gun. Apparently it was a case of mistaken identity where the police were afraid he was Naomi Campbell.

The Army is seeking volunteers to eat only Meals Ready to Eat for three weeks as part of a diet study. Although for an even more in depth study they could probably just look at the soldiers in Afghanistan who have been doing that the past 15 years.

Miss Colombia talked about the flap at the Miss Universe contest saying it was “humiliating.” It could have been worse. Donald Trump could have still owned the rights to the contest and she could have had to endure him giving her flowers and a kiss.

A home health aide has been charged with assaulting 98 year old architect I.M. Pei. The only question in that to build the case for Pei do they need evidence or a blueprint?

The new Bentley Bentayga SUV has a 600 horsepower engine and goes more than 200 miles an hour. Which is good news for Beverly Hills soccer moms who need to go to the grocery store, hair salon and pick up the kids from school in under three minutes.

A scientist says that the U.S. barrier islands will mostly be underwater within the next 50 years. Which comes more than a half century too late to do anything about the cast of “Jersey Shore.”

A study says that small families are better for children. Especially in homes where there are lots of kids around and one of the family members is Josh Duggar.

A shareholder is pushing Apple to be more diverse when it comes to company executives. Although CEO Tim Cook says the company last year hired 66% more minorities. Meaning they hired a black guy and two Hispanics.

A poll says for the first time in 25 years fewer than half of all Americans say they want to lose weight. Mostly because once they look at the other half they don’t feel quite as overweight anymore.

NASA says the worst of this year’s El Nino is still to come. The way to tell if NASA really knows a disaster is imminent is when they start counting down from ten.

Hawaii has become the first state to increase the legal smoking age to 21. Mostly because it is so expensive to live there they want residents to have a chance to live all the way until the island’s retirement age of 97.

A study says the number of heart failure related deaths in the U.S. has gone up. Mostly when people open up the bill from their cardiologist’s office.

A poll says that 48% of Americans say they don’t have enough time to do what they want. Mostly because after playing video games, looking at their iPhone and watching Internet porn it’s tough to get anything else done in the three hours left in the day.

A poll says that 48% of Americans say they don’t have enough time to do what they want. Which is good news for the other 52% who have more time than they know what to do with since they lost their jobs back in 2008.

Drummer Tommy Lee was trapped upside down during the final Motley Crue concert in L.A. on New Year’s Eve. Which is ironic for someone who has made a career out of playing with snares.

Rose Parade hosts Bob Eubanks and Stephanie Edwards said goodbye after more than 30 years on the air at the event. Apparently now that they are both in their 70s, they get nervous about being around a line of vehicles covered in flowers.

Kaley Cuoco is mourning the death of her dog Petey. There was no cause of death listed, apparently the dog just died after there was some sort of big bang.

The new “Star Wars” movie is set to pass “Titanic” at the box office. Which just shows that nerds have more disposable cash than hopeless romantics.

The new “Star Wars” movie is set to pass “Titanic” at the box office. Which is even more impressive when you consider that nearly all the tickets sold at “Titanic” were for couples while “The Force Awakens” was pretty much singles only.

North American box office totals for 2015 set a record, taking in $11 Billion. If the new Adam Sandler movie that was on Netflix would have been included, that could have pushed the total as high as $11,000,000,003.

A report says that one million cybersecurity jobs will be opening in 2016. Mostly to replace all the people on the IT staffs at Target, Home Depot and Sony.

The U.S. Marines have dropped battlefield robo dogs invented by Google because they made too much noise. Not only that. but soldiers were tired of following them around with plastic bags to pick up all the piles of hardware they kept leaving behind.

A report says that more New York City apartments are using keyless entry systems. Which to most New Yorkers, a keyless entry system usually means getting inside a building with a credit card, screwdriver or crowbar.

Donald Trump slammed President Obama for taking the time to see the new “Star Wars” movie. Which could hurt Trump by putting him at risk of losing millions of votes in the single male 18-24 voting demographic.

A new smart frying pan tells when food being cooked in it is done. Which before that technology was available could only be figured out by someone with a higher IQ than a frying pan.

A new smart frying pan tells when food being cooked in it is done. Although anyone who can’t tell by looking at food that is being cooked when it is done probably shouldn’t be allowed in the kitchen in the first place.

A new “Interface” app tells how the user feels by analyzing their expression. Which is usually pretty dumb after they spend $5.99 for an app that tells them what they pretty much should be able to tell without needing a phone app.

A survey says that more than a third of Americans say they are healthier because of their smartphone and apps. The other two thirds are completely out of shape because they are sitting around all day using all the apps on their smartphone.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! This is the first blog for 2016, and I hope you find all the jokes outrageously gut-busting belly-laughing funny. Or maybe you are busting a gut and having belly issues because you just came back from lunch at Chipotle. In any event, I hope you all had a good New Year’s and make the most out of 2016. That includes checking out the blog every day and spreading the word to help me towards my continuous resolution of having a daily readership of 7 Billion. If you can’t help spread the word, just keep logging in 7 Billion times a day and that works just as well. If there is any time left once you have finished, you can use it to make sure to remember to send the love!

No comments: