Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Greeings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A poll says that 50% of Americans feel race relations in the country are getting worse. At least as long as Donald Trump is still the frontrunner for the Republican presidential nomination.

A study says that sleeping in on the weekend may reduce the risk of developing diabetes. Mostly for the people who stay in bed long enough to miss out on the early morning all-you-can-eat pancake breakfasts.

An expert says that re-engineering children could end humanity and create a new species. Like they say, if at first you don’t succeed...

A new documentary called “Weiner” takes a look at the scandals involving Anthony Weiner. Film experts say any film called “Weiner” could even be up for an Oscar. Mayer.

A poll says that Hillary Clinton is tanking with voters under 50. Which is great news for whomever she runs against who will try to appeal to all three of the people under 50 who actually vote.

The Wall Street Journal says Bernie Sanders’ tax hike could be for as much as $18 Trillion over a decade. Which is good news as it could offset the entire $18 Trillion debt we have been accumulating since Eisenhower.

A town in Italy has shut down their Wi-Fi over health concerns. Mostly because of men who fear what will happen to them if their wives ever find out what they are looking at online.

Officials have seized 300 counterfeit hoverboards in Miami. Apparently those were the ones that didn’t actually catch fire when someone was riding them.

A report says that Univision has bought the satirical publication The Onion. To which even The Onion is saying “Is this a joke?”

A study says that more expensive hotel rooms are not as clean as others. Mostly as a way to appeal to less wealthy customers whom they attract by offering a chance to share the same germs as the super rich.

A study says that the U.S. is the most charitable nation in the world. Mostly from the generosity of the top 1% who donate money to the other 99% who don’t make a decent enough salary to make ends meet.

Texas is set to execute the killer of a female impersonator. Apparently the killer got mad when he found out he wasn’t really fulfilling his lifetime dream of actually dating Liza Minnelli.

A woman in Italy called the fire department after losing the key to her chastity belt. She called the fire department as she knew they are good in emergencies, have mechanical skills and because she just bought a copy of the latest firefighter calendar.

The Flint, Michigan water crisis has prompted various emergency declarations. To which most of the officials who have made emergency announcements are saying “You mean the water is bad there, too?”

Texas is the latest state to call for fantasy sports betting to be declared illegal. Mostly because they feel anyone who bets on the Astros, Cowboys or Mavericks to win a championship is living in some kind of fantasy.

Attorneys for Ethan Couch, the “affluenza” teen say he may have fled to Mexico against his will. He killed four people in a drunk driving accident that he skated on because he claimed to not know any better. Can this kid even dress himself in the morning?

Attorneys for Ethan Couch, the “affluenza” teen say he may have fled to Mexico against his will. They have a point. Why would he leave his cushy environment in Texas where his parents’ money allows him to get away with everything?

A study says the Hispanic vote will reach a record high in 2016. Although if Donald Trump wins the presidency, that number will drop to a record low in 2020 and every election after that.

Russians celebrated the Epiphany by diving into icy waters. Ironically, many of them had their own epiphany that they may be doing something very dumb right when they were in mid air after jumping off the diving board.

Twitter experienced worldwide disruptions on Tuesday. Which at least gave the users something to tweet about the rest of the day.

Apple reported a slight rise in the number of its women and non-white U.S. employees. Which means they hired a woman, a black and a Hispanic worker.

Apple reported a slight rise in the number of its women and non-white U.S. employees. Tech industry experts were surprised. Apple has workers in the U.S.?

Jeb Bush has announced a college plan where students can access a $50,000 line of credit. Which for the ones joining a fraternity will at least cover their wardrobe and keg party fees.

Jeb Bush has announced a college plan where students can access a $50,000 line of credit. To which most students and parents are asking what they will do to pay for their sophomore, junior and senior years.

A survey says that 41% of Americans didn’t take a vacation last year. The other 59% say they are waiting to take a trip to get away from their job once they actually have one again.

A CEO survey finds worries about the global economy and political instability. Which ironically are pretty much a result of all the unethical and illegal practices carried out by the corporate CEOs.

The U.S. budget deficit is projected to widen for the first time since 2009. It’s just a good thing our politicians in Washington, D.C. were able to work so hard the past seven years to keep it at only $18 Trillion.

Ex-Pharma CEO Martin Shkreli has fired his defense team in his upcoming fraud trial. Apparently he had to let them go when they unexpectedly increased their fees to $5,000 an hour.

A study says that the number of 18 year olds with driver’s licenses is down 5% since 2008. Mostly because who needs to know how to drive when there are plenty of video games along with pizza delivery any time in the comfort of your parents’ basement.

A report says Brazil’s economic bust was worse than thought. Mostly because Brazil has never been about the bust, it’s all about the booty.

A study says that pregnant women who eat fish have children with better brain health. Especially women who like fish so much that they name their son Gill.

A study says that out of shape teenagers may face high blood pressure later in life. What’s worse is that “later in life” means if they make it to their mid 20s.

A study says the average home has 100 different types of bugs and other critters. And that’s just in the leftover KFC bucket sitting in the refrigerator.

A study says that cocaine can make a person’s brain eat itself. Which finally explains a lot of things about Paris Hilton.

The world’s oldest man has died at 112 in Japan. He says his secret to longevity was to not drink or smoke or overdo it. Which means he actually only lived to be 78, it just seemed like it took 112 years.

McDonald’s in Japan has introduced french fries that are covered in chocolate. Which is being advertised as a health food that is on the training tables of Sumo wrestlers everywhere.

McDonald’s in Japan has introduced french fries that are covered in chocolate. Apparently it’s for people who don’t have time for a full meal but still want the fat, calories and taste they would get by washing down a Big Mac with a McFlurry.

“The Victoria’s Secret Swim Special” will be aired on CBS next month. It’s the only project the Victoria’s Secret models will ever be involved in that actually requires a wardrobe department.

Peyton Manning will pick up an extra $2 Million if he quarterbacks the Denver Broncos to the Super Bowl. Not from his contract, but from his sponsor if he changes his audible call from “Omaha” to “Papa John’s.”

Pete Rose will be inducted into the Cincinnati Reds Fall of Fame later this year. When told of the honor, he was ecstatic as he will finally be honored for his career, will be alongside his teammates and put down $1,000 that it would happen at 20 to 1 odds.

A union has submitted signatures for a ballot initiative calling for California’s minimum wage to be raised to $15 an hour. Mostly because at $15 an hour, workers will be making enough to afford union representation to negotiate an actual livable wage.

A study says that 5.6% of Internet users consider themselves as trolls who are described as people who insult others because of psycopathy, narcissism or sadism. In other words, people who say they support Donald Trump.

Sarah Palin has endorsed Donald Trump for President. Mostly because he is the only one in the race crazy enough to possibly consider her to be his running mate.

Sarah Palin has endorsed Donald Trump for President. Palin is known in political circles as a king maker. She is given almost full credit for the election of Barack Obama as President when she ran with John McCain back in 2008.

Marco Rubio says that Bernie Sanders is so liberal, he should be running for President of Norway. Which means that Marco Rubio should run in a country that doesn’t care if its leaders have no idea that Norway is a monarchy that doesn’t even have a President.

Chris Christie says the key to marital success is to fight in a walk-in closet. Although a better key to success in a marriage might be to not fight at all.

Chris Christie says the key to marital success is to fight in a walk-in closet. Which his wife agrees with since Christie can’t fit into most walk-in closets to pick a fight with her in the first place.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I took a day off yesterday from my real job but as usual made sure I did my homework to get the jokes on the blog for today. Even when I have a day off from work I make sure to provide you with the jokes that get you through the day. Or at least give you something to look at on your tablet when you are in the bathroom. All I ever ask in return besides voluntary donations of any denomination of unmarked bills is that you take the time to remember to make sure to always send the love!

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