Wednesday, December 09, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

“Star Wars” fans are already lining up at theaters 12 days before the release of the latest movie in the series. Which is no big deal to most of them as it’s not like they have to get permission from a wife or girlfriend.

“Star Wars” fans are already lining up at theaters 12 days before the release of the latest movie in the series. Mostly because it’s just nice to have the chance to be outside for a few days instead of confined as usual in the darkness of their parents’ basement.

A French scientist says he he has discovered a different portrait hidden underneath the Mona Lisa. Which is good news for the Louvre as now that there are two paintings instead of one might make the art work really valuable.

A French scientist says he he has discovered a different portrait hidden underneath the Mona Lisa. It was considered the most valuable image in history until Kim Kardashian discovered the selfie.

A Catholic Cardinal says if climate talks in Paris stall, Pope Francis I may intervene. Apparently if the negotiators don’t get anything done he will make them say one Our Father and three Hail Marys.

A poll says that 68% of Donald Trump’s supporters say they would vote for him if he breaks from the GOP and runs as an independent. The other 32% say as usual they are waiting for orders to be given to them by the squirrel on his head.

A poll says that 68% of Donald Trump’s supporters say they would vote for him if he breaks from the GOP and runs as an independent. Mostly because they are tired of having to vote and are good with finally just having a dictator in charge.

A top TSA official told Congress he was “stumped” at how to improve airport security. Even worse is that he admitted making passengers take their shoes off and watching them through naked scanners was pretty much just to make the agents’ job more fun.

Three 747 jumbo jets were left abandoned at a Malaysian airport with no idea who owns them. Although when the word got out, a United Airlines representative said “Oh, so that’s where they ended up!”

Chinese researchers say that people who are successful at “rock, paper, scissors” are winners because they stick with the same strategy. Although it’s tough to consider someone a “winner” who has actually devised a strategy for rock, paper, scissors.

Chinese researchers say that people who are successful at “rock, paper, scissors” are winners because they stick with the same strategy. Now that they have solved that mystery, they will start working on a way to get out of those Chinese finger handcuffs.

Republicans condemned Donald Trump’s plan to keep Muslims from entering the U.S. but say they would support him if is nominated. In other words, if he wins they don’t want to mess up their chances at a possible Cabinet appointment.

A plane flying to France from San Francisco was diverted to Montreal because of an anonymous threat. Which made it even worse for the passengers as landing in Montreal  gave the people on board another excuse to keep speaking French.

Smog in northern China caused a 33 vehicle pileup. The good news is that there are now 33 fewer cars adding to their air pollution problem.

The White House says that Donald Trump’s proposal to ban Muslims from coming into the U.S. disqualifies him as President. Political experts were shocked. That’s the first thing he has done that has made people come to that conclusion?

A study says that ending text messages with a period makes the sender seem insincere. People know that a text message is heartfelt only when it ends with a happy face emoji, ellipsis or “lol.”

Google is expanding its superfast Internet service to Chicago. It is so fast that people can be looking at their smartphones to watch Youtube to see the downloaded video of the person shooting them before they are even hit by the bullet.

SkyMall is coming back as an insert in the United Airlines magazine Hemispheres. Which is great news for people who need a tent, sleeping bag and all the other amenities necessary for the 14 day airport layover waiting for their connecting flight.

SkyMall is coming back as an insert in the United Airlines magazine Hemispheres. People were confused. They thought the name of the United magazine they read while waiting for their next flight was called “Hemorrhoids.”

A survey says a majority of Apple Watch owners are planning to give them as a gift. Mostly so it doesn’t look like they were the only ones dumb enough to shell out all that money to wear one.

The government says it will start including collision prevention systems in cars’ safety ratings. If they are going to do that, they should also include chances that the person buying that type of vehicle will be crashing because they are texting while driving.

Morgan Stanley says it will eliminate 1,200 jobs. Mostly because they no longer need the help as they have wrapped up work on most of the bankruptcies and foreclosures that were caused by their banking policies back in 2008.

A California sushi restaurant has been convicted of fraud over fake lobster rolls. To which Taco Bell is asking if that same fame meat law applies to beef and chicken.

A California sushi restaurant has been convicted of fraud over fake lobster rolls. To which Red Lobster says it is safe from prosecution because it has pictures of eggs, and milk and various farm animals on their lobster bibs.

Executives from several beer giants appeared before Congress to explain why several mergers are not harmful for the consumer. The number one reason is that even by the keg, beer is infinitely cheaper in price than buying a congressman.

Executives from several beer giants appeared before Congress to explain why several mergers are not harmful for the consumer. They are saying the only consumers who are ever hurt are those who want to get drunk and make the mistake of buying Coors Light.

Honda is reportedly close to getting FAA approval on its new business jet. It is expected to be a popular mode of transportation, especially for executives whose companies like its good mileage, smooth acceleration and roomier hatchback option.

The Girl Scouts are leaning on digital cookie sales to make money as their membership is dropping. Which means that for the first time people will be happy to see their computers accumulating cookies.

A new Apple battery case promises the user 25 hours of talk time. To which people with smartphones are saying “You can use an iPhone to talk to people?”

A new Apple battery case promises the user 25 hours of talk time. Which shows how much we are using our cellphones when people need their phone battery to be able to last for more hours than there are in the day.

McDonald’s in Canada is sponsoring a contest for new recipes for burgers and wraps from their employees. Which means they are about to be inundated with thousands of ideas on how to spruce up a patty and bun with bacon, beer and maple syrup.

An Arab billionaire says he is sorry for ever supporting Donald Trump. Which is no big deal since if he becomes President he won’t be allowed over here to see how badly Trump is screwing things up anyway.

A study says the rate of children diagnosed with ADHD in the U.S. has surged to more than 10%. It could be even higher but the other 90% of kids won’t sit long enough in one spot to be tested.

A study says that visual concentration can take away from a person’s ability to hear. Which finally explains to women why when a man is staring at her breasts he doesn’t hear a thing she is saying.

Norwegian scientists say that men have a better sense of direction than women because of their hormones. Although they advise people to be careful when asking a man who has just taken Viagra to point them in the right direction.

Norwegian scientists say that men have a better sense of direction than women because of their hormones. Especially when their hormones are steering them to the closest bar, strip club or brothel.

Canadian researchers say that people start noticing weight loss around 8 or 9 pounds. Which in Canada means skipping one meal of grilled moose, bacon and maple syrup.

Canadian researchers say that people start noticing others’ weight loss around 8 or 9 pounds. Which is otherwise known in Canada as dropping two flannel shirt sizes.

Canadian researchers say that people start noticing weight loss around 8 or 9 pounds. Which becomes apparent mostly because that is when they go from having four chins down to just three.

A study says that U.S. teens don’t exercise enough at school. Which isn’t as much of a concern is the fact that while at school they also don’t read, write or study.

A study says that U.S. teens don’t exercise enough at school. They save most of that for when they get home and take their daily walks, mostly from the couch to the refrigerator.

A study says that a prostate cancer treatment is tied to Alzheimer’s Disease. To which most men are asking if there is a way to make them forget just the part where the do the prostate exam.

A study says that 30% of young doctors suffer from depression or have symptoms. The other 70% had their medical school expenses paid for by their parents or scholarships.

A study says that kids who have allergies may have a higher risk of heart disease later in life. The worst part is for heart patients who kept their cholesterol and blood pressure down only to find out they should have instead been watching the pollen count.

Weight Watchers says they are revamping their program to shift focus away from weight  loss as the ultimate goal. How fat have we gotten that even diet programs are realizing making us thin is a hopeless cause?

A poll says that half of overweight Americans are not seriously trying to lose weight. Which means at least they aren’t failing as badly as the other half who say they are.

A poll says that half of overweight Americans are not seriously trying to lose weight. Apparently they are waiting until after the holidays, then past Easter dinner, Fourth of July cookouts and Halloween candy.

A study says that CPR survival rates differ greatly by city. For instance, it’s harder to recover in New York City where CPR is considered to yell at the victim “You’re having a heart attack! Get up and go to the hospital!”

Kim Kardashian’s difficult pregnancy reportedly influence the choice of naming the baby Saint. Although some people say they aren’t sure if Kim Kardashian shouln’t be the one being called “Saint” for living with Kris Jenner, Caitlyn Jenner and Kanye West.

Harrison Ford is promising an older and wiser Han Solo in “The Force Awakens.” Especially the “older” part as the movie’s title is a reference to what happens following his afternoon nap time and just before heading out for the Early Bird Dinner.

Facebook is lifting its ban on even mentioning competitor tsu.co in any postings. Mostly because the conversation following any mentions is usually “What is tsu.co?”

An engineering firm says that Han Solo must be wealthy as maintenance and repair of the Millennium Falcon would run an estimated $3 Million a year. And that is just to repair and replace the worn out turn signal he keeps leaving on.

A study says that 1 in 5 Americans use the Internet almost constantly. The other 4 are saying there is no “almost” about it.

A study says that 1 in 5 Americans use the Internet almost constantly. The other 4 use another Internet provider besides AOL so they can take care of all their Internet searches in just a few minutes.

Former Home Security Secretary Tom Ridge says that Donald Trump is an “embarrassment” to the country. How bad is it when you are being called a joke by the man who told us to prepare against terrorists with duct tape and plastic sheeting?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Is it Christmas yet? I need to have the holidays over. They get in the way of my natural grumpiness. However, it is Christmas every day for those you who are looking for bad humor for free. It’s like getting a new wardrobe at no expense from Goodwill. So no complaints. Just remember to take some time and also give the gift that costs absolutely nothing, making sure to send the love!

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