Tuesday, December 08, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Donald Trump is being criticized for his statement that he would not allow “one Muslim into this country.” Other Republican candidates were offended by his remarks, saying they would all allow exactly one Muslim into the country.

A Texas theater will hold a contest where fans will watch the latest “Star Wars” movie continuously “until they drop” and just one is left. Otherwise known to science fictions fans as Saturday Night.

Prince Charles is warning that too many regulations on bacteria could kill off the French artisan cheese industry. The good news for people who want unregulated bacteria running through their cheese is that they can always just buy some Velveeta.

A 91 year old Portuguese woman reportedly suffering during a sex game with her 49 year old neighbor. Apparently the woman was playing the game “Robing the cradle.”

A 91 year old Portuguese woman reportedly suffering during a sex game with her 49 year old neighbor. Apparently the neighbor didn’t realize the only sex game involving a 91 year old is called CPR.

Chinese researchers have unveiled the first mind-controlled car. The only problem was when they tested it in Alabama the car couldn’t get out of neutral.

Homeland Security Secretary Jeh Johnson says there will be changes in the national alert system for terror risk. Which is good news for the Fox News Channel who will finally be able to take down that “code orange” warning they have had plastered on their screen for the past eight years.

Homeland Security Secretary Jeh Johnson says there will be changes in the national alert system for terror risk. Apparently it will be simplified to “Low,” “High” and “Run for your lives!”

Homeland Security Secretary Jeh Johnson says there will be changes in the national alert system for terror risk. Now all they need to do is tell everyone what to do with all the plastic sheeting and duct tape they have had stored in their basements since 2003.

A billionaire says that technology will kill white collar jobs. Which is ironic in that the technology is being assembled by workers in all the blue collar jobs that were sent overseas years ago by the white collars.

A report says that China wants robots to replace millions of low paid workers. Which is ironic in that we had the same idea years ago to replace our low paid workers, only with the Chinese.

Russia is telling its people not to vacation at foreign beach resorts. They want people to support the local economy, and what’s the difference if they come back with a sunburn from the French Riviera or freezer burn from the Siberian tundra?

A Florida man was arrested for driving at speeds of over 100 MPH with three women in the car while drunk and naked. Apparently the local police didn’t realize that is what is known as the southern version of Uber.

Norway is offering refugees a free flight along with up to $9,000 to leave their country. If they really want foreigners to go somewhere else, they could save a lot of money by just serving them a plate of lutefisk.

Congress is reportedly getting ready to put restrictions on visits to the U.S. by people who have recently been to Iraq, Iran, Syria or Sudan. That of course doesn’t include people who have been rerouted through those countries while flying United Airlines on a trip from Des Moines to Cincinnati.

John Kerry has passed Hillary Clinton in distance traveled and flight time as Secretary of State, logging more than 957,000 miles. Mostly traveling to other countries telling them that Donald Trump really doesn’t mean it when he says as President he will bomb them all out of existence.

John Kerry has passed Hillary Clinton in distance traveled and flight time as Secretary of State, logging more than 957,000 miles. Kerry took the job to promote world peace, serve the country and on the condition his frequent flier miles could be used with any airline other than United.

Beijing has issued its first ever red alert for smog. Mostly because red makes a nice color contrast when viewed through all the city's brown and yellow air.

A study says that moderate levels of exercise may improve the brain’s ability to learn. Unless the goal is to learn how to play video games, where the best environment for learning is apparently sitting on a couch without getting up for several days at a time.

A study says that women who were overweight at age 18 are at risk of sudden cardiac death no matter what their current weight is. The sad part is it usually happens the day they can actually fit into a size 3.

A pediatric group says that all children should be screened for HIV, high cholesterol and depression. The depression comes from thinking they may have high cholesterol or be HIV positive.

A study says that walkers distracted by electronic gadgets can veer off course by as much as 61%. Apparently the ones who can stay on line are the ones who used their devices to download an app with GPS.

A study says that walkers distracted by electronic gadgets can veer off course by as much as 61%. Which is good news for the ones who stray off the sidewalk and avoid getting hit by the drivers who go off the road because they are distracted from texting.

A study says that living together or getting married improves the emotional health of women. Mostly by being able to show their friends that their partner no longer lives in his parents’ basement.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West named their new baby boy Saint. Apparently it may have something to do with him calling himself “Yeezus.” Although the really tough part will be when he tries to convince someone that his wife gave birth as a virgin.

The Grammys have announced the finalists for the Music Educator Award. The one person who has been banned from the competition is whomever was the first to put a guitar in the hands of Justin Bieber.

Playboy has announced the name of their last nude centerfold model. People were surprised. No one could ever remember looking to see if any of the other centerfold models actually had a name.

Playboy has announced the name of their last nude centerfold model. She was chosen because of her beauty, free spirit and not objecting to seeing Hugh Hefner walk around the photography studio wearing just a bathrobe.

Ringo Starr auctioned off much of his collection of Beatles memorabilia, including his drum kit which sold for $2.2 Million. It was the most money ever paid for a set of drumsticks other than Elvis Presley’s final bill from KFC.

LeBron James has signed a lifetime contract with Nike. When they say lifetime, they aren’t kidding. He will still be paid handsomely even while he is wearing his Swoosh emblazoned fuzzy bunny slippers while pushing his walker around the seniors’ home.

The St. Louis Rams have fired offensive coordinator Frank Cignetti. Fans were surprised. After the team scored 189 points in its first 12 games they were saying “We have an offensive coordinator?”

Former USC football coach Steve Sarkisian is suing the school for $30 Million, saying he was fired because of disability discrimination. Although no one ever heard it claimed as a disability in not knowing to avoid showing up at a news conference drunk.

Former USC football coach Steve Sarkisian is suing the school for $30 Million, saying he was fired because of disability discrimination. The school denies it saying they welcome any disability other than the inability to win a National Championship.

Former USC football coach Steve Sarkisian is suing the school for $30 Million, saying he was fired because of disability discrimination. Apparently he feels he was singled out by the same school that had no problem making a star out of O.J. Simpson.

A report says that the Cleveland Browns are going to put Johnny Manziel back at starting quarterback. Apparently the idea of going with a controversial player on a team with a 2-10 record is pretty much exactly why Donald Trump is still ahead in the polls.

Jeff Bezos responded to a critical tweet from Donald Trump by offering to send him into space. Which is fine with Trump, as long as he can use it to implement his new Solar System foreign policy which calls for the bombing of Mars, Jupiter and Venus.

Jeff Bezos responded to a critical tweet from Donald Trump by offering to send him into space. To which most people are saying “Too late.”

A Florida woman was arrested after a hit and run accident after her car’s 911 Assist system notified police. Apparently the technology is there for people who can’t call 911 because they haven’t finished sending out the text that caused the wreck.

A report says that PC sales have dropped 10% this year. Mostly because people have no need for a computer they can’t use while in their car, on planes or while they are crossing the street.

Microsoft is preparing for a massive Windows 10 upgrade strategy. Although Windows 10 itself was pretty much a strategy to get people to forget Windows 95, Windows XP and Windows Vista.

AT&T says it will bring gigabit Internet service to San Francisco, San Jose and Oakland by next year. People will now be able to download movies in seconds, mostly after waiting three hours for their AT&T line to finally make an Internet connection.

Microsoft researchers have made their 2016 tech predictions. Which like everyone else are wondering how Microsoft is still even in business through 2015.

Google CEO Eric Schmidt says technology must work to combat hate and harassment. Which is ironic as hate and harassment was never so easy as it was before technology gave us Facebook, Twitter and Google.

Google is reportedly working on a wearable that can test blood sugar levels in diabetics. Which is great for diabetics who got their conditions because of wearable devices that allow them to stay connected 24 hours a day without ever having to leave the couch.

The FTC is moving to stop Staples from merging with Office Depot. Although the embarrassing part is that the signing of the acquisition papers was already on hold while people were scouring the office looking for a pen.

Twitter listed its top tweets for the year. Which is a sad sign for humanity in the year with Pray for Paris, Je Suis Charlie and Black Lives Matter, the most popular tweet was from Harry Styles about Zayn Malik leaving the band One Direction.

A survey says the MacBook Air is the most reliable laptop. People like it because it always powers up quickly, connects effortlessly to Wi-Fi and isn’t run by Windows.

A 6,000 year old lead and wood artifact found in Israel is considered the oldest example of smelted lead on record. Research into which civilization was responsible for making it, scientists are relying on the age old test of “He who smelted it, dealted it.”

Dick Cheney has criticized Donald Trump for his policy proposal to not allow any Muslims into the U.S. You know it is time to reexamine your humanity when even Dick Cheney is questioning your treatment of others.

Dick Cheney has criticized Donald Trump for his policy proposal to not allow any Muslims into the U.S. Apparently Cheney believes we should allow them all in so we can keep them in the same place and just waterboard them all at once.

A Navy Admiral has been reprimanded for public drunkenness and nudity at a conference in Florida. The good news is that his public nudity has resulted in his getting a promotion to Rear Admiral.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Once again I would like to thank you all for reading my blog on a regular basis. I especially want to salute those of you who are brave enough to try to use my jokes on others. Although not the late night comedy writers who like to steal them and claim them as their own. You know who you are! I am still asking all of you to spread the word to all your friends in an effort to reach my goal of 7 Billion daily readers. At this rate, by the time we reach that mark there could be 8 Billion people on the planet and I will have to start all over. So let’s get on that as soon as possible. In the meantime, make sure you keep remembering every day to send the love!

No comments: