Sunday, December 06, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

An Australian politician has called for a U.S. travel warning because of recent shootings. Just one question. When Americans go to Australia they say they are going “down under.” When Australians come here do they say they are going “up over”?

A study says that vegetarians are less optimistic about the future than meat eaters. Mostly because they know when they get home from work all they have to look forward to is yet another plate full of tofu lasagna.

A group in Colorado has started the “Stoner Jesus Bible Study” where they claim to get high to get closer to God. You can tell their group is holding a service because they are the ones where the communion wafer is actually a large pepperoni pizza.

A study says a small amount of marijuana can cause schizophrenia. Mostly when people get high forget how much they smoked and accuse everyone else of taking their weed.

Chipotle has launched an enhanced food safety program after a recent E.coli outbreak. Which mostly consists of making sure customers are resistant to any foodborne contamination by advising them to eat at Taco Bell at least once a month.

A study says that nearly half of all jobs in Japan could be taken over by robots in the next 20 years. Which shouldn’t be hard in a country that still can’t even figure out a better way to eat their meals than with chopsticks.

A study says that nearly half of all jobs in Japan could be taken over by robots in the next 20 years. Which will make them feel really stupid when they realize it was their own fault for being at the forefront of developing all the world’s robotic technology.

A study says that nearly half of all jobs in Japan could be taken over by robots in the next 20 years. Mostly all the hookers since it seems all the Japanese technology is going into making robotic sex partners.

Mark Zuckerberg is taking on critics who say his giving away $45 Billion to a charitable foundation is a tax dodge. He says that is absurd. Having $45 Billion means he can afford a legal team that keeps him from ever having to pay a dime in tax money.

A report says the top 20 U.S. billionaires have as much wealth as half of all Americans. Which means the top 1% are now crying about the income inequality between them and their top 1%.

A report says the top 20 U.S. billionaires have as much wealth as half of all Americans. Which isn’t that hard to do, especially considering anyone with a subprime mortgage,  college loan and stock in oil companies pretty much has a net worth below zero.

A 39 year old woman with a rare conditions has been able to feel physical pain for the first time through the drug Nalaxone. The only problem is that she hates to take the drug because she is afraid of how it hurts to get a shot.

A 39 year old woman with a rare conditions has been able to feel physical pain for the first time through the drug Nalaxone. Not from the actual drug, but from the feeling she got when she found out her health insurance doesn’t cover her treatments.

A report says that spreading rumors online in China is punishable by 7 years in prison. Which still isn’t as bad as the 10 years of prison time that comes from spreading the truth online in China.

A report says that spreading rumors online in China is punishable by 7 years in prison. In fact, one person was imprisoned for saying the punishment was only 5 years.

A report says that spreading rumors online in China is punishable by 7 years in prison. Which in the U.S. would mean jail time for just about anyone with a Facebook, Twitter or Instagram account.

A Google patent would allow blood samples to be collected with a smartwatch. Although Apple figured out how to get customers’ blood years ago by convincing them they need to buy overly marked up iPhones, iPads and Apple Watches.

A survey says that 38% of Millennials don’t use brick and mortar branches for their banking needs. The other 62% are the ones who have been able to finally move out of their parents’ basement and get a job so they actually have some money.

A survey says that 38% of Millennials don’t use brick and mortar branches for their banking needs. The other 62% have figured out what their parents’ pin number is so they can use the ATM to get money to buy more video games.

Scientists say they have found a gene that could boost a person’s lifespan by 25%. Which is great news for the people who go through the procedure and need to keep working until they are past 100 to pay the doctor bills.

Canada’s new government is promising to legalize marijuana. Which has already been a boost to the economy with interest in expansion north of the U.S. border by Papa John’s, Domino’s and Pizza Hut.

A London woman has been arrested for paying for her wedding with money she stole from her government job. She has started a whole new tradition of getting married  wearing something old, something new, something borrowed and something orange.

An astronaut on the International Space Station will be taking part in the London Marathon. Although with the ISS traveling 17,000 miles an hour it won’t really be fair that he will go for a space walk and cover the 26.2 miles in about 5 seconds.

A report says the U.S. has added 12 Million jobs since the recession ended. Economists were surprised. Who says the recession ended?

A report says the U.S. has added 12 Million jobs since the recession ended. No one had any idea there were that many new 7-Elevens that had opened for business since 2009.

A report says the U.S. has added 12 Million jobs since the recession ended. The bad part is that 11 Million of those jobs have been to help out with all the additional work processing applicants at the Unemployment Office.

A report says the U.S. has added 12 Million jobs since the recession ended. Which is pretty good until you consider that during the recession we lost 15 Million jobs.

A congressional hearing will be held this week about the rising cost of drugs. And who better than the people who monitor military spending, campaign donations and the national deficit to get to the bottom of another way Americans are being robbed blind?

Porsche is planning a fully electric car by the end of the decade. Although there is just something wrong with the idea of having to leave your Porsche at home because your daughter was using the garage outlet to charge up her Barbie Power Wheels Jeep.

Univision has filed to dismiss a $500 Million lawsuit against them by Donald Trump saying he is “too thin skinned.” Trump was just pleased that was the first time the word “thin” has ever been used to describe him, especially anyone talking about his head.

A restaurant group is suing New York City over a rule requiring warning labels for sodium content. They say it is just another case where their freedom is under a-salt.

A study says that kids taking meds for ADHD are twice as likely to be bullied. Mostly because if they aren’t taking the drugs they are too hyper to stay in one place long enough for the bullies to catch them.

A report says a marijuana breathalyzer could be coming soon. It works by tricking people suspected of being high to give a breath sample because it is shaped just like a bong.

A study reveals what people are more likely to believe falsities. Those people are otherwise known as supporters of Donald Trump.

A study reveals what people are more likely to believe falsities. Or as they are otherwise known, Fox News viewers.

A study reveals what people are more likely to believe falsities. Mostly the people who pay for and actually read scientific studies.

Scientists have determined why people do stupid things. Apparently it has to do with the chance to make millions of dollars by getting signed on to their own reality TV show.

Scientists have determined why people do stupid things. The number one cause is because it keeps getting them reelected.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are parents of a new baby boy. They will announce the baby’s name just as soon as they cover all the possibilities with a really in depth look at a compass.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are parents of a new baby boy. Kim says it is difficult with all the crying, constant need for attention and continual draining of her energy. But that usually goes away when Kanye goes down for his afternoon nap.

Lakers Coach Byron Scott says Kobe Bryant told him of his retirement announcement in the middle of a game. The good news for Scott is that Kobe also told him now that he is hanging it up, Scott could actually start making some of the coaching decisions.

An appeal of the Net Neutrality decision is in federal court, with claims that the FCC exceeded its authority. Which is hard to believe that an agency that hasn’t penalized anyone over the Super Bowl wardrobe malfunction in 2004 still has any authority.

A report says that the new Hello Barbie doll is vulnerable to being hacked. Although that still isn’t the worst hacking involving dolls as Ken will show you when he pulls down his pants.

The Boston Library has recovered a stolen French map dating back to 1612. Apparently it is a map giving French soldiers directions on which direction to flee if the country was ever invaded.

The head of the Open Source Robotics Foundation says that robots are not likely to take over anyone’s job soon. At least not until they can be trained to put the wienies on the hot dog roaster, restock the Slim Jim display and clean out the Slurpee Machine.

The head of the Open Source Robotics Foundation says that robots are not likely to take over anyone’s job soon. At least not anyone whose job it is to thrash their arms around wildly and yell out “Danger! Danger!”

Researchers at Carnegie Mellon University are working on Gabriel, an AI personal assistant that whispers instructions on how to do things into a user’s ear. Don’t we already have that? It’s called a “wife.”

Technology from the music-discovery app Shazam could help scientists predict big earthquakes. Especially when people are trying to figure out the name of a song and seismic shock waves cause their smartphone to fly into the wall three rooms away.

The U.S. and China have agreed on guidelines to request assistance fighting cybercrime. Which mostly just means when we are hacked we ask China which of their people were responsible.

The world’s oldest depiction of a campsite has been unearthed in Spain dating back nearly 14,000 years. Researchers knew it was a campsite because of the remnants of a fire, marshmallows and sheet music to “Kumbaya.”

Ted Cruz says he will “never apologize for America.” Mostly because people are still waiting for him to apologize for shutting down the government, scaring a little girl into crying and bragging about not knowing anything about science.

Donald Trump says the U.S. needs to reconsider giving out fiancee visas after the San Bernardino shootings. Which may be more Freudian than anything coming from a man who out of three wives, two were born in foreign countries.

President Obama says it is “insane” that people who are not allowed to fly on planes can still buy guns. Actually it is more insane to allow people who can fly to have guns seeing their state of mind following a flight with United Airlines.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! More sad news from the music world with the death of Stone Temple Pilots frontman Scott Weiland. Although he died at a young 48 years old, in rock star years that is actually about 150. He had some issues with substance abuse during his short life but happy people don’t tend to make good music so his torture became our listening pleasure. He wrote and sang a lot of great songs and was a huge part of the 90s music scene along with Pearl Jam and Nirvana. RIP to another artist who died way too young. Think of him today when you take a few minutes to sit down and remember to send the love!

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