Friday, December 04, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Oprah Winfrey has signed a deal to write her memoirs. Apparently the target audience is the three people who don’t already know her complete life story.

Oprah Winfrey has signed a deal to write her memoirs. It is sure to be a bestseller, especially with the promotion that has everyone who buys the book getting a brand new car.

Russia is reportedly planning to build a permanent base on the Moon. It won’t be for scientific research, but instead a getaway for people in Siberia who want to vacation in a more tropical climate.

Allegations of violence are being brought out about porn star James Deen, including some from his ex-girlfriend who says he was a “scary person.” People were shocked. Who would have thought a porn star could become so morally bankrupt?

A study says that nearly three of four women suffer stress related anxiety. The other one quarter are still single.

A study says that nearly three of four women suffer stress related anxiety. The other one quarter say they don’t suffer from anxiety and should remain that way at least until the latest dose of the meds wears off.

A study says that nearly three of four women suffer stress related anxiety. The worst part is that many of them are stressed out about trying to cover the copays and deductions for the prescription drugs they are taking to calm down.

Nielsen says that smartphones and the Internet are eating away at people’s TV time. And some are saying that nothing good is coming from the digital age.

Nielsen says that smartphones and the Internet are eating away at people’s TV time. Which means instead of rotting their brains with network programming, people are now rotting their brains by posting on Facebook, text messaging and watching cat videos.

A Maryland man’s pit bull refused to leave his side after he was burned in a house fire. It wasn’t from loyalty, the pit bull was just waiting to see if his owner was in the fire long enough to be flame broiled enough.

Jeff Zucker is reportedly considering a run for New York City Mayor. After what he has done with NBC and CNN it is pretty obvious what his vision would be for New York. Turn it into Detroit.

Ted Cruz says the nation needs a wartime president. His only dilemma is being from Texas he isn’t sure if the first war he declares will be Russian, Middle Eastern or Civil.

A new dating site matches up people who are fans of all things Disney. Which means the first date will start out at a restaurant where there is a three hour wait for a table, being seated with 40 other strangers and paying $100 for two burgers.

A new dating site matches up people who are fans of all things Disney. Before that, if women wanted to meet a man who would lure them with promises of going to Disney World they would have had to go on Myspace.com.



Five New Jersey fifth graders have been arrested for reportedly planning to bomb their school. Although authorities aren’t sure whether to send them to jail for terrorism or reward them for their work at urban renewal.

A report says the Secret Service is in a crisis. The sad part about that is that is the one thing about the agency that isn’t a secret.

Donald Trump says there is “something going on” with President Obama that we don’t know about. Even though all the Republicans have been trying to best to tell us that it is something to do with his being a foreign born Muslim who is out to destroy the U.S.

A bill in Congress is calling for more security measures for foreigners traveling to the U.S. Why should they have it any easier than the rest of us who when traveling have to go through being groped, prodded and probed by the TSA?

Pam Anderson has been chosen as the final nude centerfold model for Playboy. The 48 year old actress was chosen because she is the youngest person that anyone who still buys Playboy knows who she is.

Pam Anderson has been chosen as the final nude centerfold model for Playboy. Tht is sad news for Baby Boomers who remember buying only two magazines for their folded sections. Playboy and Mad.

The Justice Department has issued 92 indictments for corruption at FIFA. If convicted, the defendants could be facing large fines, several years in prison and being forced to listen for hours at a time to recordings of vuvuzelas.

Consumer Reports says a survey shows that T-Mobile is now the best wireless carrier. Mostly because they couldn’t get a connection when they tried to call anyone who has a plan with Verizon, AT&T or Sprint.

Consumer Reports says a survey shows that T-Mobile is now the best wireless carrier. Which is about as big a deal as being named best cable company, domestic airline or prison.

The California Supreme Court has approved a lawsuit going forward about organic labeling. The court felt there were “grounds” for the suit and that they weren’t “super seeded” by other laws.


The California Supreme Court has approved a lawsuit going forward about organic labeling. The only bad part is that lawyers involved in the case will be forced to show up in Birkenstock shoes, carrying non-leather brief cases and wearing hemp clothing.

A survey says that couples fight more about money as they get closer to retirement. The good news is that the economy has made it so couples can get along peaceably until they make it into their early 90s.

A report says that 2015 will be the worst year for layoffs since 2009 with a projected loss of 575,000 jobs. People were shocked. There were still 575,000 jobs in this country when the year began?

A study says that a new problem associate with diabetes is tooth loss. The good news is that people can pay for their insulin prescriptions with all the money they are left each night under their pillow by the Tooth Fairy.

A study says that a new problem associate with diabetes is tooth loss. Which kind of goes hand in hand with a diet that includes meals consisting of washing down a Dozen Krispy Kreme doughnuts with a two liter bottle of Coke.

The WHO says that 420,000 people die a year from foodborne diseases. The main causes are poverty, lack of sanitation and the new breakfast menu at Taco Bell.

A New York artist has created works using bacteria found in local subway stations. Until now the only diseased parasitic microorganism associated with Subway was Jared Fogle.

A New York artist has created works using bacteria found in local subway stations. Which is still not as unhealthy a medium found in the subway system as if he had made a sculpture using menu items from the nearest Cinnabon.

A study says that pesticides are as for kids’ lungs as cigarette smoke. Although it’s not like kids are subjected to any pesticides by coming in contact with them say, by ever picking up a piece of fruit.

A study says that pesticides are as for kids’ lungs as cigarette smoke. Which is good news for the kids who insist on only smoking tobacco that has been grown organically.

A study says that people tend to drink more alcohol on days they exercise. The bad part is for most Americans, the only exercise they get is walking from the couch to the refrigerator to get another beer.

A study says that one out of four caregivers for the elderly are between the ages of 18 and 34. Of course, that number would be a lot less if it didn’t include all the current girlfriends of Hugh Hefner.

A study says that a patient’s mood can predict how well their surgery goes. The study also shows most patients’ moods tend to become worse when the surgeon enters the room and says “So what are we doing today?”

A study says that a patient’s mood can predict how well their surgery goes. Mostly because both the surgeon and patient are happier when they find out ahead of time that their operation is covered by their health insurance.

The CDC says that one in eight Americans have high cholesterol levels. The other seven aren’t concerned because they are more concerned about treating their high blood pressure, high blood glucose and high Body Mass Index.

A survey says that fewer Americans say they want to lose weight. Mostly because we have become so fat as a nation that overweight people have no problem looking around and finding three or four others who make them look like they are in pretty good shape.

A poll says that cost has caused delays in getting healthcare for one in three Americans. The other two figure by the time they save up enough money to see a doctor they will just be using it instead to pay to get a good mortician.

The first text message was sent out 23 years ago this month which read “Merry Christmas.” To commemorate the anniversary, everyone on Anthony Weiner’s directory was sent a picture of him naked and wrapped with tinsel, garland and popcorn strings.

Coldplay has been chosen to headline the half time show at Super Bowl 50. The show is planned to consist of them playing several songs and instead of an encore they will end their performance with a conscious uncoupling.

Coldplay has been chosen to headline the half time show at Super Bowl 50. Although they are worried that if the Patriots are playing that Tom Brady may change their Auto-Tune to register flat.

Davidson College says it won’t retire Stephen Curry’s jersey until he graduates. The school feels if he wanted to be honored by a college for playing basketball without ever graduating he should have gone to UNLV.

Davidson College says it won’t retire Stephen Curry’s jersey until he graduates. If he does finish his coursework he will have his jersey placed among the other great athletes in the Davidson Hall of Fame including that one guy who was pretty good and the other one whom everyone liked.

Uber is testing color coded rider pickups to avoid people getting into the wrong car. Which is already in effect in most cities that have Uber where people use the service to avoid ever having to get into any cars that are colored yellow.

Uber is testing color coded rider pickups to avoid people getting into the wrong car. Although it’s pretty hard to get in the wrong car while waiting for an Uber driver, just look for the confused person driving a Prius, Civic or Kia.

Kazakhstan is moving towards tighter control of Internet traffic. Although if they thought there was unrest in the country now, just wait until they try to cut off the flow of Internet porn.

Kazakhstan is moving towards tighter control of Internet traffic. Political experts were surprised at the move. Kazakhstan has Internet access?

A report says that Uber’s value has been placed at $64.6 Billion, which is bigger than most of the world’s economies. Which isn’t all that difficult to do, seeing that even corner lemonade stands already are $18 Trillion less in debt than the U.S.

Youtube is reportedly seeking to get the rights to TV shows and movies. Apparently they feel there is another fortune to be made with actual programming after taking in billions of dollars over the past ten years from people watching nothing but cat videos.

A new smartphone claims it can be washed with soap and water. Which is great news for anyone still on the text list of Anthony Weiner.

The Hubble space telescope has reportedly spotted the faintest object in the early universe. Apparently it is harder to detect than an EKG reading of Dick Cheney.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It’s Friday! But I guess you didn’t need me to tell you that. Time for another couple days off to decompress from work, the news in general and these jokes. I appreciate you continuing to log in every day, and love to hear from you so feel free to send me an e-mail any time at jimbarach@hotmail.com. And don’t forget to tell your friends about the site, or depending on what you think of it also your enemies. I am still working on reaching my goal of 7 Billion daily readers and am still just slightly less than 7 Billion short so far. It doesn’t hurt to overreach. Steve Jobs started out of a garage in Los Altos so who knows what is possible. Enjoy your weekend and we will meet here again on Monday. That gives you all plenty of time to remember to make sure to send the love!

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