Thursday, December 31, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Puerto Rico will default on nearly $174 Million in bonds on Friday. Even Bernie Madoff is saluting the person who convinced people to loan Puerto Rico $174 Million.

Fox News CEO Roger Ailes was named as the most influential person in news media for 2015. Ailes said all the credit goes to his new boss Donald Trump.

A viral video shows Mile Tyson falling off a hoverboard and crashing to the floor. He hasn’t hit the floor that hard since he stepped into the ring with Buster Douglas.

A viral video shows Mile Tyson falling off a hoverboard and crashing to the floor. He hadn’t been tattooed that badly since he got that tribal ink design on his face.

The driver accused of running over several pedestrians in Las Vegas reportedly had marijuana in her system. Which explains that she wasn’t trying to run over anyone, she was just in a rush to get to the closest casino buffet line.

A company will offer the world’s first certified Kosher marijuana. The user just has to make sure there aren’t any dairy products used in the bong.

A Florida woman was arrested for crashing while driving a Postal Service truck. Police suspected she was impaired when the deliveries were actually made to the right address on time.

A Filipino priest has been reprimanded for using a hoverboard during Christmas services. Although with all the accidents on hoverboards including Mike Tyson and the problems with them catching fire, it would be easier to just try walking on water.

A top official in North Korea was reportedly killed in an auto accident. Although everyone knows the real cause of death was him making fun of Kim Jong-un’s haircut.

KaloBios, a company formerly headed by disgraced CEO Martin Shkreli has filed for bankruptcy. Shkreli raised the price of an AIDS drug by 5,000% and was later charged with fraud. The only question now is which court do you go to file for moral bankruptcy?

Federal researchers say that hiking the minimum wage is an inefficient tool to fight poverty. The real problem is that most Americans are now working at jobs that pay the minimum wage.

AT&T says it will stop offering two year contracts. Or as most people call signing up with a contract with AT&T, “going off the grid.”

New York City is reconsidering its ban against hoverboard bans. Mostly because even though people have been hurt in falls and the boards catch fire, they are still less of a health risk than eating a brat from a street vendor food cart.

A survey says that 80% of Millennials want to own a home someday. Mostly so they can have the feeling of freedom from rent, pride of having a stake in the community and being able to see another level of a home than their parents’ basement.

A survey says that 80% of Millennials want to own a home someday. The other 20% are college graduates who figure one 40 year loan in their life to pay off is enough.

John McAfee says a new security product he is pushing will replace passwords. And who know more about security flaws than the man who couldn’t even be kept from getting out of a Belize prison on a murder rap?

The North Pole made it above freezing this week for only the fourth time in history. Apparently Santa Claus used his influence to raise the temperature as even he is tired of getting stuck wearing ugly Christmas sweaters.

An extension of the Google Chrome browser has been created to filter out all mentions of Donald Trump. Which anymore pretty much leaves the user with a blank screen.

A group of Missouri postal workers won a $1 Million lottery prize. Which wasn’t all that difficult considering the odds for them were better than any of their customers who were hoping that they would get all their Christmas deliveries on time.

Carl Icahn has won a bidding war to take over Pep Boys. Which was a long ways to go just to make sure there was still a place left where he was able to get points, plugs and a condenser to tune up his 1978 Buick.

Toxic air has forced Delhi, India to curb millions of cars. It’s the worst air anyone can remember associated with a deli than when someone orders the corned beef on rye.

The IRS says that the tax rate for the wealthiest 400 Americans climbed in 2013. Now that the returns have all been processed it turns out the government actually gave them a few million dollars less in supplemental pay than usual.

The IRS says that the tax rate for the wealthiest 400 Americans climbed in 2013. Which is scaring the wealthiest people who fear it could become like back in 1996 which was the last time they actually had to write out a check on April 15th.

Psychiatrists say that “affluenza,” where people are not held responsible for their actions because of their wealth is not a real medical condition. However, not only has it kept people out of jail but it has become the main campaign strategy for Donald Trump.

A new app helps moms differentiate between different crying sounds of their babies. Especially when the baby is crying for attention because their mom has had her face glued to her iPhone screen for the past six hours.

A study says that a lack of sleep could lead to overeating. Especially when the reason for the lack of sleep is staying up all night raiding the refrigerator.

A survey says that many airlines fail to offer healthy meals. Although airlines are saying that isn’t true, that they are keeping their passengers from eating too many calories by charging $25 for an entree consisting of a cracker and piece of lettuce.

A study says that psychotherapy is effective in easing the symptoms of Irritable Bowel Syndrome. However, after a session patients shouldn’t be surprised if their therapist doesn’t allow them to lie down on the couch anymore.

A 14 year old boy from the Marshall Islands received the first 3D printed nose in the U.S. The only problem is that he can’t get rid of the constant smell of toner.

A 14 year old boy from the Marshall Islands received the first 3D printed nose in the U.S. Doctors say the technology could save patients money, eliminate surgical risks and most importantly keep anyone from ever becoming another Michael Jackson.

A study says that chronic and binge drinking causes liver damage in mice. Did they really need a study to figure that one out?

A study says that chronic and binge drinking causes liver damage in mice. Although the mice say the odds are still a lot better than trying to get that piece of cheese out of the mousetrap.

A study says that chronic and binge drinking causes liver damage in mice. Although it is still not as bad as the effects on the brain of binge watching episodes of “The Kardashians.”

Eight “Star Wars” book titles have made the bestseller book list in the wake of the success of the latest movie in the series. Number one on the list is “The Force Awakens In Its Parents’ Basement And Sits On The Couch For Three Hours Playing Video Games Before Going To Its Minimum Wage Job Delivering Pizza.”

Eight “Star Wars” book titles have made the bestseller book list in the wake of the success of the latest movie in the series. Literary experts were surprised. They had no idea that “Star Wars” fans read anything besides comic books.

Kendall Jenner says she was recently hospitalized for exhaustion. Apparently it is very taxing on the body to keep using the same finger over and over to take all those selfies.

Seattle running back Marshawn Lynch is trying to copyright his phrase “I’m just here so I won’t get fined.” Which is ironic in that anyone who violates the copyright could end up being fined.

The Cleveland Browns say that Johnny Manziel has been diagnosed with a concussion. Apparently his helmet just wasn’t enough to protect him from the jarring impact of his head making contact with the floor of the bar when he passed out.

The Cleveland Browns say that Johnny Manziel has been diagnosed with a concussion. His doctors knew something was wrong on the day he announced he was signing a contract with the Browns.

The National Science Foundation says that 95% of physical science students are paid to get their Ph.D. Although a physical science degree doesn’t come without a price of its own to pay, and the students have the wedgie scars to prove it.

The National Science Foundation says that 95% of physical science students are paid to get their Ph.D. Physical science is the study of inanimate natural objects, mostly other students who are studying physical science.

A report says that broadband Internet speeds are three times faster than in 2011. Which is good news for businesses where employees can watch the same amount of porn in a third of the time so they can still actually get something done on the job.

Uber claims it just had its one billionth ride. Not only that, out of one billion riders there have actually been seven who didn’t throw up or pass out drunk in the back seat or assault the driver.

Scientists at the University of Alabama say that watching yule log videos can lower a person’s blood pressure. Especially for people who only have the other choice of watching episodes of “The Kardashians.”

IBM and Microsoft are working on forecasting smog levels in China. Which is pretty easy. If the wind is blowing from the south it all ends up in Beijing and if it switches to the north it all goes into Shanghai.

IBM and Microsoft are working on forecasting smog levels in China. The people at Microsoft know it’s really a bad day when Watson shows up to work wearing a gas mask.

Congress is pushing NASA to develop a deep space habitat by 2018. Mostly as a White House getaway location in case the next President is Ted Cruz, Ben Carson or Donald Trump.

Chris Christie says he is not going to get into name calling with the other Republican presidential candidates. He prefers to keep his name calling and belittling to his constituents, staff and the media.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! My last blog of 2015. I know you were all hoping I would end that sentence after the word “blog.” Sorry to disappoint, but I will be back in 2016 starting on Monday the 4th. That gives you a few days to recover from your New Year’s Eve hangover and the 12,000 or so jokes (give or take a bad punchline) that I wrote in the past year. I hope you have enjoyed at least a few of them and will continue to keep checking in for next year. I would like to wish you all a very Happy New Year and all the best in 2016!

1 comment:

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