Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Scientists have found a contagious type of cancer in Tasmanian devils. So far the only other species at risk from the illness are rabbits, ducks and hunters with speech impediments.

Some reporters are claiming they developed PTSD from watching and posting violent videos. And that doesn’t even include all the employees at CNN who are shell shocked from all the bombs that air on the network.

Some reporters are claiming they developed PTSD from watching and posting violent videos. And that is just the videos of Jeb Bush being taken apart at all the Republican presidential debates by Donald Trump.

A study is linking smoking with pet illnesses. In fact, the only animals that seems to be immune from the effects of tobacco products are camels.

A study says that 10% of all pedestrian injuries that land people in the ER are due to walking while distracted. The number is lower in L.A. where most pedestrian accidents are from being hit by drivers who have never actually seen people walking before.

A study says that 10% of all pedestrian injuries that land people in the ER are due to walking while distracted. What’s worse is that some of those are people using an app to find where they parked their car but forgot because they were staring at their iPhone.

A report says the world’s richest people became poorer in 2015. In fact, the only part of Carlos that became Slim was his wallet.

A study says that nine of ten patients who survive an opioid overdose are given prescriptions to the drugs again. Mostly because their doctors assume their health care plans don’t cover prescriptions and they can’t afford to buy them anyway.

Russell Crowe slammed Virgin Australia for not allowing his kids to bring their hoverboards on a flight. The airlines have banned the boards because they say they can catch fire which makes them almost as volatile as Russell Crowe.

An English woman was saved by her washing machine in a house explosion. Which now gives men around the world the excuse to give their wives appliances on special occasions saying that they are just trying to protect them.

Officials say the Russians will likely miss the 2016 Olympics in Rio after a doping scandal earlier this year. Although President Vladimir Putin isn’t sure he wants his people there as he is planning to invade Brazil in August anyway.

Al Jazeera says it never actually accused Peyton Manning of doping. It just sort of implied it by saying some illegal shipments of HGH were mysteriously shipped to his house addressed to his wife but who knows what happened to them after that.

Papa John’s is standing by spokesman Peyton Manning in the wake of his being accused of doping with HGH. They say his recent weight gain was not the result of using PEDs but being injured and sitting around the house all day eating pizza.

The IRS says it took a yearly income of $429,000 to make the top 1% in 2015. Although the IRS says that to really make it into the top 1%, a person needs to make enough money to hire a team of accountants who keep them from paying a dime in taxes.

A study says that climate change is threatening the world’s seafood supply. Although still not as much as when Red Lobster offers their all-you-can-eat shrimp buffet special.

A new password system could use just emojis. Mostly the sad face emoji when people realize that they have been hacked because they thought using an emoji would actually offer any security.

A new password system could use just emojis. To which most people are asking if there is an emoji for “12345” or “password.”

U.S. stocks ended the year flat from where they started. Which was better than 2008 when investors ended the year flat. As in broke.

The Census Bureau says the median income in the U.S. is back to pre recession levels. Which means that people will finally be able to come up with enough money to start actually paying off some of the debt they piled up during the recession.

The Census Bureau says the median income in the U.S. is back to pre recession levels. At least for all the people who were 16 years old when the recession started and were working at a part time minimum wage job.

A Stanford scientist is seeking to create a meat alternative for the masses. Which is not that big of a deal. Taco Bell says they did that already back in 1965.

Subway says it will move to cage free eggs in 2025. Which is five years earlier than their former spokesman Jared Fogel also finally becomes cage free.

Russians are ready to ring in the New Year in the midst of a recession. Which is good news for the people there who like to keep up the familiar holiday traditions.

Whole Foods has agreed to pay $500,000 to resolve an investigation that they overcharged customers in New York City. Which is otherwise known to Whole Foods as their business model.

Whole Foods has agreed to pay $500,000 to resolve an investigation that they overcharged customers in New York City. The only question is how can anyone in New York City actually tell anymore when they are being overcharged for something?

New sonic gloves will allow people to “see” underwater with their hands. Which comes just in time for the Olympic rowing and canoeing athletes who may need them when they compete in the water around Rio de Janeiro.

Researchers say the best way to get a loved one to take care of themselves is to ask about what they are doing and not tell them. Like asking if they might be gaining weight because they have eaten a box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts for breakfast every day.

A study says that Type 2 Diabetes may be linked with a risk of dementia. Especially for the people who keep forgetting that they are in the middle of fixing a pancake breakfast for the third time that morning.

A study says that brain death diagnosis varies from hospital to hospital. Although most still stick with the traditional guidelines of unplugging a patient as soon as their medical insurance runs out.

A study says that brain death diagnosis varies from hospital to hospital. Which is different from the public’s definition that pretty much says a person can be considered brain dead the minute they declare their intention to run for public office.

“The Big Bang Theory” is being sued for copyright violation by a poet’s heirs for the lyrics in their recurring song “Soft Kitty.” Although the show’s producers say that the plaintiffs have more than likely been smoking a little too much catnip.

“The Big Bang Theory” is being sued for copyright violation by a poet’s heirs for the lyrics in their recurring song “Soft Kitty.” The worst part is when the show’s producers were given the court summons, the investigator handing it over said “Bazinga!”

Kylie Jenner has revealed her New Year’s resolution for 2016. To which everyone was just praying it had something to do with going into hiding for awhile.

Ivanka Trump says that her father “100% believes in equality of gender.” If that is true, why didn’t he give any of his sons a name as dumb as “Ivanka”?

The Al Jazeera reporter who mentioned Peyton Manning in a story about using HGH says she only alleges that the growth hormone was sent to his wife Ashley Manning. Not to say that she got some of her facts wrong, but now the story is saying that Peyton Manning has an account with Ashley Madison.

Twitter says it is updating its rules to combat abusive behavior and hateful conduct. In other words, they are taking away the very reason most people even have a Twitter account.

Twitter is being criticized for hiring a white man to lead its efforts to achieve diversity. Apparently the company is trying to be more inclusive by hiring not just white men, but white men who are also fat, thin, have hair, are bald or are left handed or right handed.

Samsung says its TVs will all be IoT ready by 2016 and will be able to “talk” with other appliances around the house. Meaning that a person watching TV will be able to be sure there is beer in the refrigerator and clean dishes in the dishwasher before actually making the effort to get off the couch.

The Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas says it will search all bags and ban luggage this year. Which is usually not a problem for the people who don’t go to the event until after they have lost everything they own in the casinos.

The Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas says it will search all bags and ban luggage this year. Which most the attendees don’t care about and won’t complain about anything until the day they prohibit wearing “Star Wars” costumes.

Mark Hamill is showing fans how to spot fake “Star Wars” autographs. The sad part is that the “Luke Skywalker” autographs signed by other people are actually more valuable than his.

 Mark Hamill is showing fans how to spot fake “Star Wars” autographs. For one thing, A Mark Hamill autograph is probably phony if it is on any other document other than an application for unemployment benefits.

MIT researchers have developed an algorithm that can predict the memorability of a photograph. Apparently it has something to do with being Kim Kardashian and having the picture focused on her backside.

MIT researchers have developed an algorithm that can predict the memorability of a photograph. Which for most men pretty much means it features a bunch of naked women.

George Pataki has announced that he is suspending his campaign for President. The sad part was once again, the person with the bad news was the last one to find out.

George Pataki has announced that he is suspending his campaign for President. Political experts were surprised. Who thought it would have taken this long?

John Kasich says that Jeb Bush is outdated like Betamax or the “Macarena.” The only thing more outdated is someone who actually remembers Betamax or the “Macarena.”

Donald Trump says the U.S. needs a President with a “nasty tone.” Which we haven’t had since 2009 when Dick Cheney left the White House.

Hillary Clinton was named America’s most admired woman for a record 20th year. And for the 27th straight year, her husband Bill came at the top of the list for admiring the most women.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Tomorrow is the final day of 2015. But the day after that is the first day of 2016. So once again we have no idea if we are coming or going. I will be writing jokes on Thursday but will take off Friday. I want to ease all of you into the New Year and no one needs to go through that, especially after getting no sleep the night before and nursing a hangover. Consider it my gift to all of you to get the New Year started on the right foot. In the meantime, make sure you set aside some time at the end of this year and at the beginning of next to remember to send the love!

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