Thursday, December 03, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg and his wife Priscilla Chen are planning to give away $45 Billion over their lifetimes, calling it philanthropy and not charity. The difference is  that philanthropy helps the poor and sick but also makes for a huge tax write off while getting the family name put on several buildings.

A study says that worry can take five years off a person’s life. Which is great news for all the 60 year olds who have been staying up nights fearing that they won’t be able to make it to age 65 to qualify for health insurance under Medicare.

Brad Pitt as producer of “The Big Short” about the mortgage crisis says no one was held accountable and nothing seemed to change. To which he then backtracked and said he was actually talking about Hollywood and all the Adam Sandler movies.

Brad Pitt as producer of “The Big Short” about the mortgage crisis says no one was held accountable and nothing seemed to change. Although some people are still waiting for him to take the blame for “Meet Joe Black.”

Citi is warning of the possibility of a U.S. recession next year. Which will be good news for the people who have been waiting for us to get out of the current depression since 2007.

Citi is warning of the possibility of a U.S. recession next year. At least if they are allowed like most other banks to go right ahead and keep doing the things that broke the economy eight years ago.

A study says that too much TV can harm the brain. What’s worse is that “too much TV” is pretty much defined as watching just any one episode of “The Kardashians.”

A study says that too much TV can harm the brain. Which comes as good news for the people who instead spend 18 hours of their day playing video games, watching the Internet and constantly staring into their cellphone screen.

U.S. regional airlines are asking the government to ease the requirements that pilots have at least 1,500 flight hours. The good news for pilots is that pretty much equals the time it takes for any one domestic round trip flight on United Airlines.

A report says that U.S. health care spending topped $3 Trillion in 2014. They are using last year’s numbers because it includes the people who are still waiting to get an appointment using their policy through Obamacare.

A report says that U.S. wages are showing signs of increasing. Mostly because Wal-Mart, 7-Eleven and McDonald’s have all finally given in to raising their minimum wage.

A Goldman Sachs analyst says Millennials could be challenged in the workforce by Generation Z. Who are both going to have to work extra hard to pay all the taxes to take care of the entitlements racked up by all the retiring Baby Boomers.

A Goldman Sachs analyst says Millennials could be challenged in the workforce by Generation Z. The only problem is keeping a score card to know who actually makes up Generation X, Generation Y, Millennials and Generation Z.

A survey says that CEOs are not planning on spending any more money during the next year. They are trying to cut back on expenditures to boost profits, weather the slow economy and make sure there is enough in the bank to pay out their massive bonuses.

Google technology is allowing robots to recognize people as well as detect their mood. Which will come in handy when the robot is able to identify a person by name and realize how angry they are when it informs them it just took their job.

A study says that the richest 10% of the world population produces half the global carbon emissions. The other half is blamed on anyone who has recently bought a Volkswagen diesel.

A bill in Congress would require the IRS to start using private debt collectors. Which is like telling Chuck Norris his stunts will now be performed using Mr. Bean.

A bill in Congress would require the IRS to start using private debt collectors. Which means the IRS will be forced to auction off millions of dollars of equipment they will no longer need which includes several hundred racks, thumbscrews and Iron Maidens.

A bill in Congress would require the IRS to start using private debt collectors. That’s like telling the CIA they are going to have their waterboarding done by having suspects lie down on the lawn during the sprinkler cycle.

RadioShack has hired Nick Cannon as their Chief Creative Officer. His first job will be using his imagination to find ways to convince the public that RadioShack is still actually in business.

RadioShack has hired Nick Cannon as their Chief Creative Officer. Apparently Cannon fit right in with the store that has fallen from its once lofty position in the same way Cannon lost his title of Mr. Mariah Carey.

A report says that Cyber Monday topped $3 Billion in sales. The only problem is for all the people who find Cyber Monday is the day Anthony Weiner thinks it’s still OK to text out pictures of himself.

Crackle says its new series “The Art of More” featuring Dennis Quaid had 2 Million views. Although those numbers would skyrocket if he could just convince his brother Randy to come on the show and start ranting about everyone who is out to get him.

A report says there aren’t enough specialists to treat the growing number of obese patients. For every doctor who can help those people lose weight there are three new employees at every Krispy Kreme, Dunkin’ Donuts and McDonald’s.

A report says that researchers have detected coronary disease in some embalmed hearts discovered buried for 400 years in France. And Europeans think that there are some delays in getting health care in the U.S.

A study says that half of the doctors in the U.S. say they are experiencing burnout. The other half are prepared to stick it out and work into their 80s so they can finally get their medical school loans paid off.

A study says that half of the doctors in the U.S. say they are experiencing burnout. Although they still aren’t as emotionally drained as their patients who wait three hours in the office for a visit, fight over the copay with their health insurance company and can’t afford any of the prescriptions they leave with.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg and his wife Priscilla Chan say they will give away $45 Billion over their lifetimes. The money will go in a large part to fight diseases, in particular the ones caused from people sitting around all day posting all their unhealthy meals on Facebook.

A report says a new anti-aging drug could extend the human life span to 120 years. Which is good news for the people who will need to keep working until they are 110 to pay for the cost of the drug that isn’t covered by their health plan.

A report says a second patient has died during testing for an anti-obesity drug. The only people not completely upset at the news saying it could have been worse are the people who will be serving as the pall bearers at the victim’s funeral.

A report says a second patient has died during testing for an anti-obesity drug. Although researchers are not sure if it was the medication that was the problem or the fact that the subject washed down the pills with three milk shakes and a root beer float.

“Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” star Yolanda Foster and her husband David Foster have filed for divorce. Which is good news for the show because no Beverly Hills marriage can be considered “real” until it ends with a protracted and bitter divorce.

Extreme model Pixee Fox had several ribs removed to look like a real life cartoon. Which makes her different from most other Americans who haven’t been able to tell that they even have ribs for the past twenty years.

The Philadelphia 76ers have suspended center Jahlil Okafor for two games for offcourt incidents. Apparently if they want aggressive play from their team members they need to start scheduling some of their games at local bars around closing time.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell says that San Diego is unlikely to present a plan to keep the Chargers in town. There might have been more interest if the team had bothered to present a plan to have a winning record some time in the past 50 seasons.

Tests show that water around the Olympic water sports sites in Rio show more contaminants than were previously thought. There hasn’t been that much chemical contamination found in a body of water since Barry Bonds peed in his pool.

A report says the Lakers won’t fire coach Byron Scott in mid season. Apparently the team is going to wait until Kobe Bryant retires at the end of the season to bring in the next person who really runs the team.

A report says there is a strong feeling that two NFL teams will relocate to L.A. The only question is whether both teams will have fans like the Dodgers and have people arriving  during half time and leaving before the fourth quarter.

A report says there is a strong feeling that two NFL teams will relocate to L.A. Apparently the league feels there are enough celebrities around who will be able to show up at games for both teams in order to be seen.

NFL VP of Officiating Dean Blandino says referee mistakes have not increased in recent years. Although some people thought it was no coincidence that the statement was sent out in a press release written in Braille.

NFL VP of Officiating Dean Blandino says referee mistakes have not increased in recent years. More importantly, it is a fair system with the league making sure each team is being victimized by an equal number of incompetent calls and the same amount of mediocre officiating in every game.

NFL VP of Officiating Dean Blandino says referee mistakes have not increased in recent years. Mostly because Tom Brady can only play against one other team at a time.

NASA says it is ready to start launching supply ships back to the International Space Station. Which will no doubt be met with the astronauts’ anguished cries when they open the shipments of “Tang again?”

United Airlines says its representatives will print boarding passes using an iPhone 6. Which wouldn’t be so bad if they didn’t do their ticket operations and ground communications using rotary dialed phones connected with AOL.

Yahoo is reportedly looking to sell its core Internet business. Although Yahoo’s search engine isn’t what it once was, as most requests now are asking what is Yahoo?

Yahoo is reportedly looking to sell its core Internet business. In fact the only person still using their search engine is CEO Marissa Mayer posting her resume to look for another job.

New technology can reportedly detect empathy in a therapist. Mostly so the software can find a good therapist to help its misunderstood cousin Windows Vista.

New technology can reportedly detect empathy in a therapist. Which in a therapist is generally identified when they realize they may have to take on another job because their clients’ health care plan doesn’t cover mental health.

Donald Trump is suggesting banning low polling candidates from upcoming debates. Also people who haven’t had their own network TV show or are ranked on Forbes list of billionaires.

A GOP memo tells top Republican candidates how to run a Senate campaign in case Donald Trump wins the presidential nomination. Apparently it is suggesting a “When in Rome” strategy of calling opponents “idiots,” vilify the media and have a foreign policy that revolves around bombing every other country on the planet.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Another sad news day with yet the latest mass shooting by people using assault weapons. Sigh. I think you can be in support of the 2nd Amendment and still not want people to have weapons that unload 150 rounds a minute. Let’s be sensible about this, it is not a political debate. It's about innocent Americans being randomly gunned down on a daily basis. It is hard to make jokes with the news that we average more than one mass shooting a day in this country. Let’s send our love today to all the people out in San Bernardino, California who are dealing with the latest tragedy.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Although I disagree with your line of thinking that people shouldn’t have weapons that unload 150 rounds a minute, it is a moot point. Perhaps you are not aware, but it is already illegal for any citizen to possess those weapons in every state in the country unless you are a licensed firearms dealer. So without knowing it, you have your wish. Those are called a fully automatic weapons. One pull of the trigger empties the entire magazine. The weapons that are available in some states are semi-automatic. One pull of the trigger fires one round. In California where the latest mass shooting took place, the gun laws are even stricter. They ban most semi auto weapons and limit magazine capacities to 10 rounds. Any realist can see these laws don’t work and only restrict law abiding gun owners. If anyone wants a banned, illegal weapon, they can buy one from any gang member. Blaming guns for mass shootings is like blaming cars for drunk drivers. Until you focus your attention on the real problem, it will never come close to being solved.