Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

CNN anchor Poppy Harlow passed out while reporting on the air. Which answered the philosophical question of “If a reporter falls while working at CNN, does it still make a sound?”

Wall Street experts are forecasting 2016 to be worse than 2015. It could be so bad that Wall Street executives are worried they may have to drop down to lighting their Cuban cigars with only $50 Bills.

New York City planning officials are proposing to make it easier to develop “microapartments” that are 360 square feet or smaller. Even the homeless are getting on board, trading in their refrigerator boxes for a nice toaster oven carton.

New York City planning officials are proposing to make it easier to develop “microapartments” that are 360 square feet or smaller. Which could give a whole new meaning to the term “coming out of the closet” for anyone just heading outside for a bit.

A Belgian architect is designing skyscrapers that will house up to 20,000 people under the ocean. They will be the first underwater buildings since 2007 when that term described virtually every structure in California.

Dung patties for heating purposes are being sold online in India. Which is not that big of a deal for anyone looking for patties made of dung as India has had McDonald’s since 1996.

Dung patties for heating purposes are being sold online in India. When people ask where to find them, they are told to go to the same place they would expect to find any other dung online. Amazon.com.

A UK report says that gonorrhea could become “untreatable.” People were shocked. No one had any idea that Paris Hilton had moved to England.

A German man died after being hit with shrapnel when a condom machine exploded. Which was ironic in the fact that the odds were pretty good that an exploding condom was also the same exact reason he was born in the first place.

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos says his company is planning to make feature films and that he “wants to win an Oscar.” Although Academy members are worried he will just use it to show off and fly in to the red carpet on Oscar night on a Blue Origin rocket.

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos says his company is planning to make feature films and that he “wants to win an Oscar.” He is even lobbying the Academy to come up with a new category for Best Film Produced by an Internet-Based Retail Giant.

A poll says that 18% of Americans think we are winning the war on terror. The other 82% have recently been subjected to going through an airport security screening by the TSA.

Holiday travelers were stranded as more than 6,000 flights were canceled or delayed on Sunday. Or as United Airlines usually calls that, “Sunday.”

A report says that U.S. companies led the world in debt default in 2015. Which is good news for conservatives who say the government should be run more like a business.

Former Harlem Globetrotter star Meadowlark Lemon has died at age 83. Although some people thought it was in poor taste at the viewing to have his body attached to a rubber band that kept popping him up and down to a sitting position in the casket.

A summit that will focus on Vermont’s climate change economy is set for February. Apparently state leaders want to determine the effects of global warming that could change the state’s climate from “arctic” to “tundra.”

A summit that will focus on Vermont’s climate change economy is set for February. Mostly because global warming could drive the state into bankruptcy as 90% of the economy is based on snow skiing and maple syrup.

A study says that U.S. economic forecasts have been too optimistic in 13 of the past 16 years. Mostly because those are the 13 that have called for the U.S. to have better years than we did during the Great Depression.

A study says that U.S. economic forecasts have been too optimistic in 13 of the past 16 years. Apparently those were the years that called for the U.S. to have a national debt of less than $18 Trillion.

A report says that 59% of U.S. workers will be on the job at least part of New Year’s week. The other 41% will be working on their New Year’s resolution to finally get a job for the first time since 2007.

A report says that fewer than a quarter of all Millennials will be very productive this week. Although “very productive” to a Millennial means sitting in their parents’ basement and scoring personal record high totals on at least three different video games.

Honest Tea says it will remove quotes from Donald Trump that are printed on its bottle caps. Apparently they felt the quotes were unnecessary as any quote from Trump turns any occasion into a Tea Party.

A report says that Christmas spending was up 8% over last year. Mostly because people finally had enough money to buy presents for the 8% of family members they haven’t been able to afford to buy holiday gifts for since 2007.

Jeb Bush says he wants a one on one debate with Donald Trump. Or as Trump calls a one on one debate, a “monologue.”

A study says that a lack of high speed Internet access can slow down a person’s job search. Which is unfortunate for the people who are looking for a job just so they can have access to the high speed Internet at work to be able to look at online porn.

Atlanta became the first airport to have 100 Million passengers in a year. Which means it was even more crowded if you count the 50 Million passengers trying to complete flights on United Airlines that started back in 2012.

Puerto Rico is reportedly on the verge of default. Which means things haven’t changed much there since about 1953.

Subway is starting a new ad campaign that looks at its heritage dating back to 1965. The company is recalling its 50 year past and trying to ignore looking 15 to 30 years into the future when former spokesman Jared Fogel will finally be released from prison.

Donald Trump tied with Pope Francis I as the world’s second most admired man. Which Trump thinks is an insult considering he sees himself as the Pope’s boss.

Disneyland is temporarily closing ten attractions to make way for its new “Star Wars” land. It will be different from the rest of the parks as none of the rides will need special lines for “singles only.”

Ashley Madison says its membership is up to 43 Million since its accounts were hacked. Even more impressive is that the site now claims that as many as seven as those members are actually women.

The government says there were 3,988,076 births in the U.S. in 2014. And as many as 200,000 of those were to people who weren’t sneaking in across the border to have babies who could claim to be citizens.

The government says there were 3,988,076 births in the U.S. in 2014. Which would have ended up about half than number if it weren’t for the Octomom, Kevin Federline and the NBA.

A study says that material purchases make people happier than taking trips or other experiences. Which finally explains why people combine the two and go to New York, Paris or Milan just so they can go shopping.

Mark Hamill is warming people about fake “Star Wars” memorabilia that is being sold. Someone needs to tell him that it was just a movie so all the memorabilia is pretty much fake.

Mark Hamill is warming people about fake “Star Wars” memorabilia that is being sold. For one thing, any items are pretty much fake that depict Hamill’s movie career after age 28.

A Netflix survey says that parents move the New Year’s countdown up to 9:00 to get their kids to bed early. Which is different than other adults who just get bored and go to bed about ten minutes after watching New Year’s Rockin’ Eve with Ryan Seacrest.

Mel B, otherwise known as Scary Spice is hinting at a 20th anniversary Spice Girls reunion. The only problem is that time has caused them to sag a bit which means they are all going to have to get some work done on their spice racks.

A report says “Game of Thrones” was the most pirated show of 2015. To which the show’s owners are saying “Aaaargh!”

A report says “Game of Thrones” was the most pirated show of 2015. Adam Sandler movies are often pirated, mostly because people like to watch them with patches over both eyes.

Kim Kardashian, Nicki Minaj and Jennifer Lopez are being credited for a surge in butt enhancement surgery. Although it turns out that people who get work done on their hind side are actually just trying to become more like Donald Trump.

Raiders fullback Marcel Reece will miss the Pro Bowl after a positive PED test. Apparently he took the drugs so that he wouldn’t have to play in the Pro Bowl.

Raiders fullback Marcel Reece has been suspended for four games after a positive PED test. Which is ironic in that he was taking the PEDs so he could improve himself and be traded to a team other than the Raiders.

A horse named RB Wild Promise won a race in Ohio at 206 to 1 odds. Which is just slightly better than what bookies are giving for the Cleveland Browns making the Super Bowl in the next 10 years.

An Internet hoax says that Mark Zuckerberg is giving away millions of dollars to Facebook users. The actual truth is that the best way to get more money is to do a better job at the office instead of posting on Facebook all day.

A report says the next wave of cybercrime will be through people’s smart TVs. Although it still won’t match the biggest crime done by TV of the companies that actually were talked into buying time on “Two Broke Girls.”

A portable washing machine will soon be available that operates without electricity by foot pedals. Which shows just how far technology has taken us from the days when we washed clothes by pounding them with rocks in the river.

Donald Trump is attacking Bill Clinton over his infidelities. Which is different than Trump who when he gets tired of his wife, instead of cheating he just trades her in for a younger model.

A New York woman beat a DUI charge by claiming her body works like a brewery by turning food into alcohol. Legal experts were surprised her lawyer was able to trick a jury with the old “Lindsay Lohan defense.”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Sad news from the entertainment world with the passing of former Harlem Globetrotter Meadowlark Lemon and Motorhead singer Lemmy. Two entertainers from different worlds who were both very good at what they did and were able to do what they loved for a long time. That’s pretty much the goal we should all be shooting for. At least I am half way there for writing jokes for a long time. Now all I have to do is figure out how to make some of them funny. I’ll make that my New Year’s resolution. I just hope your resolution is to help with my ultimate goal of getting 7 Billion daily readers. Or at least to once in awhile make sure to remember to send the love!

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