Sunday, December 27, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A California man was killed after walking over a cliff while distracted by his cellphone. His final mistake was telling Siri he was leaving her for Cortana while he was asking her for directions.

Police in Colorado are searching for a man dressed as Santa Claus who stabbed a passenger on a bus. Remember when Santa just used to give people who were naughty some coal in their stocking?

Experts have come up with a reason as to why holiday jingles get stuck in people's heads. Apparently it has to do with the songs being the last thing they heard while they still had some money before they went Christmas shopping.

Twitter vows it will wage wars on Internet trolls. Which are pretty much all the people who can stay anonymous online because they send out messages all day on Twitter.

A report says that a cash free future is near in Sweden. It’s even closer in the U.S. where most people will find themselves cashless as soon as their Christmas bills arrive.

A herbal tea sold in Italy is apparently laced with cocaine. That makes for a drink that is expensive, addicting and completely wires people out. Which everyone in the U.S. already knows as Starbucks.

U.S. oil company bankruptcies are reportedly at the highest rate since the Great Recession started. Which ironically pretty much got underway when people couldn’t afford to pay the rest of their bills when gasoline went up to $4 a gallon.

U.S. oil company bankruptcies are reportedly at the highest rate since the Great Recession started. The thought of oil company executives going broke made many people weep. Which shows it isn’t just the holidays that can make for tears of joy.

A study says that “Star Wars” fans and video game geeks are more likely to be narcissists. Mostly because it’s a lot easier to love yourself when you aren’t spending all your time and money trying to impress some girlfriend.

A study says that “Star Wars” fans and video game geeks are more likely to be narcissists. Mostly because women just don’t appreciate the ability to wield a lightsabre like a Jedi warrior or getting through the Turbo Tunnel level in Battletoads.

Chipotle’s latest E.coli cases may remain a mystery. Which would be the biggest unsolved riddle in fast food history other than the ingredients inside a Taco Bell Chalupa.

Pope Francis I warned against a society “intoxicated by consumerism” in his Christmas Eve address. Which most people weren’t able to watch live on their new flat screen TV but were able to take in later on their Christmas gift iPhone 6.

Pope Francis I warned against a society “intoxicated by consumerism” in his Christmas Eve address. Which is different than everyone getting intoxicated at Christmas dinner after opening up all the electronic gadgets they got from Santa.

A report says that the secret to a happier, healthier life is to retire. Which is good news for all the people who know their worries will be over if they can just make it up to their projected retirement age of 93.

A report says that the secret to a happier, healthier life is to retire. Although for the people who can’t call it quits yet at least they can still look forward to the equally happy day when their boss finally retires.

A study says that sitting for long periods of time can shorten the lifespan even for active people. Mostly people who consider it being active when they cross and uncross their legs every once in awhile when they are sitting down.

A study says that sitting for long periods of time can shorten the lifespan even for active people. Mostly the people who consider activity the struggle to get up and out of the beanbag chair they are lounging in.

New apps help people who want to break up with someone. Whatever happened to the classy and mature way of breaking up with someone by sending them a text?

New apps help people who want to break up with someone. Which is only fitting for someone who is getting dumped because they spend all day on their smartphone.

A judge in New Hampshire wouldn’t let a couple vacate their divorce after they got back together saying that would put into question the finality of anyone’s divorce. Although isn’t it the marriage that was supposed to last “until death do us part”?

A judge in New Hampshire wouldn’t let a couple vacate their divorce after they got back together. Or they could have just saved the time and money of going to court to fight it and just had the judge act as justice of the peace and remarry them.

Zaragoza, Spain has voted for a judicial probe into crimes by the Franco regime dating back nearly 70 years. To which a frightened Dick Cheney said “They can do that?”

Bill Clinton’s childhood home in Arkansas was damaged by fire that is suspected of being arson. Although authorities cleared Hillary Clinton, saying she would have only been a suspect if Bill was inside at the time.

Chinese company Boyalife, which is building the world’s largest animal cloning factory says they will not use the technology on people. Mostly because it’s hard to come up with a reason to make clones in a country that already has 1.3 Billion people.

Chinese company Boyalife, which is building the world’s largest animal cloning factory says it will not use humans to “make a Frankenstein.” Mostly because that was already done by the plastic surgeons who worked on Cher, Caitlyn Jenner and Kenny Rogers.

The CEO of Valeant Pharmaceuticals has been hospitalized with severe pneumonia. How bad is it when even the overpaid CEOs of drug making companies can’t afford their own medicines because they raised the price of all of them by 5,000%?

Ferrari has recalled several vehicles in California because of a fuel leak. Which gives millions of single men the opportunity when hitting on a woman to say they are driving a 1997 Prius because their California T is in the shop on a recall.

Christmas gasoline prices dropped to their lowest since 2008. Which most people can remember because of how expensive it was to fill the tank to drive the car they were living in to a different park every night after losing their home in the mortgage crisis.

Columbia House is making a return along with selling vinyl records. Apparently the company figured they could resurrect the idea of selling albums for a penny as long as the catalogue was made up of Justin Bieber records.

Columbia House is making a return along with vinyl records. Apparently the company was resurrected by a group that wants to prey on people too young to remember negative option billing but too old to be fooled by e-mails from a Nigerian prince.

Online retailer Zappos offered a $100 gift card in exchange for a “crappy gift” anyone got for Christmas. Which they could then used to instead by some of the overpriced crappy merchandise offered on Zappos.

A survey says the number of fliers satisfied with airline ticket prices is down 14% from 2007. Aviation experts were surprised. They can’t believe that anyone who flew on a domestic airline back in 2007 will still get on a plane.

A survey says the number of fliers satisfied with airline ticket prices is down 14% from 2007. Mostly the people who can still afford the ticket but go into debt once they pay the fees for their luggage, drinks and a blanket.

A study says that being generous is linked with a lower risk of death. They might be on to something. How many centuries has Santa Claus been around now?

A study says that being generous is linked with a lower risk of death. Although not the type of generosity where people think giving themselves means living like Charlie Sheen.

Researchers says that wealthy, white educated people are most likely to refuse to have their children vaccinated. Which unfortunately no one has yet come up with a vaccine to counter ignorance, conspiracy theorists and paranoia.

Researchers says that wealthy, white educated people are most likely to refuse to have their children vaccinated. Apparently the parents think like with anything else, if their kids get sick they can just pay off the germs.

A study says that computer time may be causing kids’ nearsightedness. Which means that maybe our parents were right all along, that with all the available porn to look at it really does make you go blind.

A study says that people are more likely to have a fear of missing out if they are not connected through the holidays. The good news is if they are staring at their iPhone all day at least they do have a chance of missing out on all the holiday dinner family fights.

William Guest of Gladys Knight and the Pips has died at age 74. He hadn’t been performing in recent years as he was getting older and was just too pooped to Pip.

Richard Marx married Daisy Fuentes in Aspen last week. The only way to get on the guest list was to be old enough to remember seeing her introducing his songs when MTV still played music videos.

Robert Downey, Jr. was pardoned for drug convictions by California Governor Jerry Brown. Apparently Brown thought it was unfair that Downey was busted for drugs that weren’t as potent as what Brown was taking when he was Governor back in the 1970s.

Robert Downey, Jr. was pardoned for drug convictions by California Governor Jerry Brown. The two then celebrated his new status by going into the Linda Ronstadt room in the Governor’s Mansion and lighting up a fatty.

Rory McIlroy is warning Jordan Spieth that 2016 will be more difficult than his two major championship performance of last year. On top of that, some people are suspicious about McIlroy’s intentions as he keeps trying to set up Spieth with Caroline Wozniacki.

A British astronaut on the International Space Station dialed the wrong number in calling Earth. What’s worse is that the ten minute call resulted in his being billed for 857,000 miles in roaming charges.

A British astronaut on the International Space Station dialed the wrong number in calling Earth. The worst part is that the person he called thought it was a prank when he said he felt like Prince Albert in a can.

A British astronaut on the International Space Station dialed the wrong number in calling Earth. The worst part is that since he was using AT&T the call was dropped three times before he even knew he was talking to the wrong person.

The Audubon Society has started its annual Christmas bird count. They do it this time of year since after the holiday season there are usually about 20 Million fewer turkeys in the population to have to account for.

The Audubon Society has started its annual Christmas bird count. Although people are getting a little tired of the final tally always ending with “Two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree.”

A study says that one in ten U.S. homes will have a robot by 2020. Which is amazing to think it took less than 40 years from back in the 1980s to get everyone on board after the Gore family introduced us all to Al.

Democrats in Texas forced a candidate for Congress to change his name as it was exactly the same as the outgoing incumbent. To which Jeb Bush is asking the candidate “Hey, wanna trade?”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I hope you all had a very Merry Christmas. I guess everyone wishing for Peace on Earth worked for yet another year as we haven’t blown up the planet yet. Although anyone who wants that to happen now at least has the option to vote for Donald Trump to get it done. I have many things to be thankful for including my great readers out there who check in on the blog every day to check out my progress in trying to deliver at least a few humorous jokes. I still have a few days left to try and reach that goal for this year but I am not counting on it. At least that gives me a goal for 2016, 2017, 2018....and beyond. If Santa was good to you all you need to do is keep the feelings going by making sure to remember to send the love!

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