Thursday, December 24, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A report says advanced facial recognition tools will soon be available on cellphones. Although that might not be a good thing. The last time that sort of technology came to cellphones it gave us selfies and the Kardashians.

Japanese researchers say they have mapped the brain’s secrets of navigation. Which for men means pretty much driving around without asking directions until getting frustrated and going back home.

Japanese researchers say they have mapped the brain’s secrets of navigation. Which comes just in time to where all it takes anymore is hitting the GPS button on a smartphone.

A report says that private car ownership could soon be a thing of the past with people just calling for rides from driverless vehicles. Which is good news for people who won’t have to pay for parking or car maintenance and will finally have some spending money without a seven year auto loan.

A Political Science professor at UCF is calling on students to start wishing each other a “Happy federal holiday” during the Christmas season. The only problem is that the idea could cause problems in Washington, D.C. where to members of Congress that pretty much could be used every day.

An Austrian radio DJ has been punished for playing the song “Last Christmas” 24 straight times. The station manager was so mad he just wanted to break the record over the DJ’s head and go “Wham!”

An Austrian radio DJ has been punished for playing the song “Last Christmas” 24 straight times. Although most listeners thought there was cause to fire him before he even had a chance to play it the other 23 times.

A study says that dogs imitate other dogs’ expressions like humans. Which is fine until your dog decides to start doing impressions of the pit bull down the street.

A report says that personalized diets based on a person’s genes will be available in five years. Which means that by looking at the genetic makeup of most Americans, we’ll just be eating Twinkies for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Storm warnings in the South on Wednesday included cautions that yard decorations could become projectiles. Or as they call that in Mississippi, a Saturday night neighbors’ quarrel.

Ben Carson is reportedly planning a campaign staff shakeup. The good news is that seeing the problems in his campaign may finally be the eye opener he needed.

Ben Carson is reportedly planning a campaign staff shakeup. The interesting part is while he is asking why his numbers have fallen to 10%, most other people are asking how his numbers have managed to stay as high as 10%.

A New Hampshire newspaper says that Marco Rubio has become a robot who is just designed to cover campaign talking points. What does he think he is, some sort of politician?

A Minnesota woman bit off her husband’s ear in a squabble over beer. Which at least answers the question as to whatever happened to Mike Tyson’s ex-wife.

A Minnesota woman bit off her husband’s ear in a squabble over beer. At least from now on he doesn’t have to worry about her complaining that he never listens.

A 10 year old boy in New York City was robbed at gunpoint of $3. The sad part is that the $3 was money he had saved by doing odd jobs in order to one day be able to buy his own Glock.

A Southwest Airlines flight circled around Oakland for hours burning off fuel to make an emergency landing. Fortunately the plane circled long enough for the airline to more than pay for the fuel with their $8 fees for snacks, drinks and blankets.

A survey says that most Americans have less than $1,000 in savings. The only good news is that the survey could have been worse as at least the results came in before everyone gets their Christmas bills.

A survey says that most Americans have less than $1,000 in savings. Which is good news for the environment as it means millions of trees are saved with banks not having to send out customer balance statements every month.

A Thai government poll says that 99% of the people are happy with the country’s leadership. Which is to be taken about as seriously as all the Fox News polls that say 99% of Americans are unhappy with the country’s leadership.

The government says that optimistic consumers are keeping the economy on track for modest growth. Which means it is just good Americans can always be counted on to spend money they don’t have.

The government says that optimistic consumers are keeping the economy on track for modest growth. In this economy, the very definition of a consumer is someone who is optimistic that they will have enough money to pay the monthly bills when they come in.

Staples is blasting the government for blocking their bid to buy Office Depot. Although the good news is that ever since the government got involved, the company has made a fortune just on all the paperwork the sale has generated.

Organizers of the Burning Man festival have opened their financial records after transitioning to becoming a non-profit group. The last thing they wanted was for Burning Man to have gotten its name because they were cooking the books.

A study says that men are better at putting together IKEA furniture than women. Mostly because the women are smart enough to buy already assembled pieces and be able to do something else with their time over the next six months.

Two financial firms have been ordered to pay $50 Million for “deceptive” student loan practices. Mostly from loaning students $100,000 for a degree that will take them 40 years to pay off with the minimum wage jobs their degree will get them after graduating.

Boston Market frozen dinners were pulled off the shelf after pieces of glass and plastic were found inside. The good news is that the discovery didn’t have any effect on them labeling the meals as “low fat.”

Party game Cards Against Humanity says it is going to buy an original Picasso and cut it up into pieces. The good news is that all the pieces could eventually be put back together in any order and no one would be able to tell the difference.

U.S. twin births were reportedly at a record high last year. How bad is the economy when people want two children but just can’t afford paying for two separate hospital births?

The Kardashians’ Christmas card this year carries the greeting “All you need is love.” Maybe for Christmas, but love doesn’t pay the bills over the rest of the year like a sex tape that paves the way for a top rated reality show.

Charlie Sheen says he is now dedicated to finding a cure for HIV. Until a cure is found, most people should be aware that the best way to avoid becoming HIV positive is to not live like Charlie Sheen.

A poll says that 42% of “Star Wars” fans will see the new film again at a theater. The other 58% couldn’t take part in the survey because they haven’t left the theater since the movie came out.

A poll says that 42% of “Star Wars” fans will see the new film again at a theater. Mostly as it is the only reason they have to leave their parents’ basement until the next movie in the series is released.

Forbes says that Johnny Depp was the most overpaid actor in 2015. Despite being a business news site, Forbes doesn’t bother naming the most overpaid CEOs. Mostly because it would pretty much end up with all of them being tied for first.

NBA stars are collaborating on a PSA against gun violence. Which is ironic in that looking at the number of kids produced each year by league players shows that of all people, they are the ones who aren’t shooting blanks.

Mike Ditka is urging kids in the wake of the news of concussions in football to play a safer sport like golf. Either that or football players need to start yelling “Fore!” right before they crack into another player with their helmet.

Baltimore Ravens rookie Carl Davis was stuck as a ritual paying for a team dinner bill of $11,561. He says he was just lucky that it was a dinner bill instead of one of Ray Lewis’ legal bills.

A new phone app helps people keep their New Year’s resolutions. Which most of their friends hope would have the ability to shut down their iPhone so they could actually have their attention for five minutes out of the day.

Scientists have come up with an explanation as to why Rudolph’s nose being red and bright would be beneficial. For one thing it would help at Santa’s Christmas party for everyone else to know that all the eggnog is gone.

Scientists have come up with an explanation as to why Rudolph’s nose being red and bright would be beneficial. Which hopefully will result in someone telling the scientists that the whole Rudolph thing is made up.

Scientists have come up with an explanation as to why Rudolph’s nose being red and bright would be beneficial. Although others say that it would be much more visible and long lasting if Rudolph would go modern and trade out for a nose made of Halogen.

Scientists say they have discovered the first biofluorescent reptile. Apparently it’s a turtle they found swimming in the water right around Japan’s Fukushima power plant.

A survey says that 61% of Millennials say tech has changed the way they interact with people. For one thing, those were the ones who would only take the poll using their iPhone so they wouldn’t have to come out of their parents’ basement.

A survey says that 61% of Millennials say tech has changed the way they interact with people. The other 39% say they would love to interact with people just as soon as there is an app made that lets them do it.

Officials say that 100 Million Americans had their medical records hacked in 2015. Medical experts were shocked. There are that many Americans who can actually still afford to go and see a doctor?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It is Christmas Eve Day, and I won’t be writing for Christmas. Consider it an early present. I want to wish you all an early very Merry Christmas and I will be back at this as usual next week to wind out 2015. I hope Santa is good to all of you and that you can take time out from the usual Christmas family dinner brawl to take a few minutes to remember to send the love!

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