Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A “Star Wars” fan in Texas sat through 46 straight hours of watching past films from the series along with the new release. Or as other “Star Wars” fans around the country call that, a weekend.

U.S. scientists have developed a device that gives people “X-Ray vision.” The only way people could get that before was to apply for a job with the TSA working the full body scanner.

U.S. scientists have developed a device that gives people “X-Ray vision.” Apparently they achieved it by sending in one of those coupons from a 1965 Batman comic book right next to the ad for Sea Monkeys.

Google and Ford will team up to build driverless cars. Ford will provide the car and Google will allow it to have a search engine where it can access which dealership to drive itself to for the latest recall.

Ted Cruz says a two man race between he and Donald Trump would be like a job interview. Which wouldn’t be good for Trump as there are just too many people wanting to put him on the other end of the phrase “You’re fired!”

Ted Cruz says a two man race between he and Donald Trump would be like a job interview. Which would be interesting for voters, mostly because the majority of them haven’t been able to land a job interview themselves since 2006.

A Florida woman was arrested for beating her husband because of flatulence in bed. What’s bad is that prosecutors are considering charging the local Taco Bell as an accessory to the crime.

A study in the UK says that certain dance routines can burn calories better than running, swimming or cycling. Although medical experts say those other exercises are still beneficial as they don’t want the news to discourage anyone who is straight.

The IRS has been given the power to revoke passports of people who owe more than $50,000 in back taxes. Which brings up the question as to how can anyone afford to travel in the first place when they owe $50,000 in tax money?

A Russian gamer is suing the company that makes the video game “Fallout 4” saying his obsession with the game cost him his wife and job. People were shocked. There is a  gamer who actually got someone to marry them?

Wisconsin police say an 82 year old woman reported hearing a woman screaming “ISIS is good, ISIS is great” during sex. Although they had to explain that someone from ISIS isn’t talking about sex when they say they want some head.

Wisconsin police say an 82 year old woman reported hearing a woman screaming “ISIS is good, ISIS is great” during sex. Or it could be she was with a radicalized Muslim and was trying to cover because she couldn’t remember his name.

A drive thru church in Missouri has a Nativity scene that features Roman soldiers charging a “tax” for drivers to enter Bethlehem. The idea wasn’t taken so much from the Bible as from the church supporting Donald Trump’s proposed policy on immigration.

Miss Iraq was crowned in Baghdad for the first time since 1972. But only because it was   actually at the Miss Libya pageant that was being hosted by Steve Harvey.

Miss Iraq was crowned in Baghdad for the first time since 1972. Apparently the judges were impressed at her skills in the talent contest where she was able to tape 16 sticks of dynamite to her body while simultaneously tearing down and rebuilding an AK-47.

Dollar General is being sued by a Texas man for their “deceptive” store brand motor oil. Although he should have been tipped off by looking at the label and seeing the actual manufacturer was Wesson.

Dollar General is being sued by a Texas man for their “deceptive” store brand motor oil. Although he should have known there might have been some problems since he bought his car at the 99 Cent Store.

Lions have been added to the world’s endangered species list. The causes were habitat destruction, disease and an abundance of Minnesota dentists.

Starbucks expects to sell a record number of gift cards right before Christmas. Mostly people who need to decide at the last minute between giving grandma a card for a large mocha latte or the 55” flat screen TV.

A report says that popular stocking stuffers are gift cards for tech stocks. Which means shoppers have to make the choice between Apple stock and an iPhone or iPad and decide which one is more overvalued.

Data says that alcohol is killing Americans at the highest rate in 35 years. Which is ironic for the people getting into drunk driving accidents and dealing with diseased livers who were drinking red wine because they heard it was good for their heart.

Chipotle’s latest E.coli outbreak is puzzling health experts. Mostly the ones who can’t believe that there is a bacterial contamination at a restaurant that isn’t Taco Bell.

Fitness experts are advising against people doing too many sit-ups as they can cause back injuries. Which is bad news for the three Americans who look like they have actually done a sit-up in the past decade.

A study links smoking pot with college students who skip classes and get poorer grades. The study mostly included students who reported missing classes often. Like the Class of 2011, the Class of 2012 and the Class of 2013.

A study links smoking pot with college students who skip classes and get poorer grades. The worst part is that the study was involving students who were going back to college after finally coming down from the high they started in 1967.

Hillary Clinton has announced a plan to cure Alzheimer’s Disease by 2025. One sure cure would be for Americans to elect Donald Trump as President and never being able to forget their mistake the rest of their lives.

Hillary Clinton has announced a plan to cure Alzheimer’s Disease by 2025. Although ironically the plan is getting no support from Bill Clinton who knows that Alzheimer’s Disease is his only hope that Hillary will ever forget about Monica Lewinsky.

Johnny Depp has been named the most overpaid actor of 2015. Which means only one thing. Adam Sandler didn’t make any movies in the past year.

Johnny Depp has been named the most overpaid actor of 2015. Which is really bad considering that it’s because the studio is still trying to cover its losses from “The Lone Ranger” going back to 2013.

Tiger Woods says he used to have “Star Wars” wallpaper in his room. Although when he got older he took it down and replaced it with wallpaper from other movies including “Unfaithful,” “Indecent Proposal” and “American Gigolo.”

A high school ice hockey team tried a strategy of using two goalies. Which is different than the Columbus Blue Jackets who are apparently trying to make it through the NHL season without even one person minding the nets.

Raiders defensive back Charles Woodson has announced his retirement at age 39. He was able to make such a long career because of his athletic ability, being able to avoid injuries and the fact that it’s not like he ever had a season extending into the playoffs.

Raiders defensive back Charles Woodson has announced his retirement at age 39. He says he body could take another year but one year playing for the Raiders is like two seasons on any other team as the defense is on the field for about 58 minutes a game.

The government says the U.S. economy grew at about 2% over the summer. Which means that the nation’s economic performance is now somewhere up around 2%.

Nicolas Cage has returned a dinosaur skull to Mongolia from where it was reported to have been removed illegally. Cage says he has nothing but respect for fossils ever since he starred in “Moonstruck” in 1987 with Cher.

Google is testing a password free login system. Which is great news for people who just can’t seem to remember which accounts they use “12345” and which ones they log in with “password.”

Amtrak has activated a speed control system on its routes between New York City and Philadelphia. Which is different from their usual speed reduction system which takes place right about the time the cars leave the track.

Amtrak has activated a speed control system on its routes between New York City and Philadelphia. Which is not really welcomed by people who are leaving from Philadelphia and can never seem to get out fast enough.

Democratic presidential candidate Martin O’Malley is using his four children to help on his campaign. The good news is that he doesn’t have to answer to any child labor violations as they obviously aren’t doing much with his numbers running around 4%.

President Obama celebrated the 5th anniversary of the end of “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell.” When questioned how he marked the occasion he didn’t ask and wouldn’t tell.

The DHS is cheering a 31% drop in apprehensions along the Mexico border. Which means either immigration controls are working or the agents are just getting 31% fatter and slower.

The DHS is cheering a 31% drop in apprehensions along the Mexico border. Mostly because there are fewer immigrants trying to sneak into the U.S. now that our economy has slowed down by 31%.

A Secret Service agent in Washington, D.C. had his gun, badge and flash drive stolen from his car in broad daylight. He admits it was completely irresponsible. It serves him right for leaving his gun, badge and flash drive in his pants.

A report says that presidential ad spending has topped $111 Million in 2015. Which brings up the question as to why we even have any campaign spending in 2015 for an election in 2016.

A report says that presidential ad spending has topped $111 Million in 2015. And people get mad that there is Christmas advertising starting as early as Halloween.

An analysis says that Donald Trump’s tax plan would benefit the rich and add trillions of dollars to the deficit. In other words, he isn’t changing a thing.

An analysis says that Donald Trump’s tax plan would benefit the rich and add trillions of dollars to the deficit. Who does he think he is, some kind of wealthy Republican presidential candidate?

A polls says that half of all Americans say they would be embarrassed if Donald Trump were elected President. The other half would be packing their bags to move to either Europe, South America or Canada.

A polls says that half of all Americans say they would be embarrassed if Donald Trump were elected President. The other half are just embarrassed to admit they even used to watch “The Apprentice.”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Even though I am off my “real” job this week and it is almost Christmas, I am still hammering out the jokes for your entertainment or whatever they actually do. I will write again for Christmas Eve Day but will take off Christmas Day, to give you all a rest and give you faith that miracles to happen. Which will give you some extra time in your busy holiday schedule to make sure to remember to send the love!

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