Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A study says that polls may underestimate the amount of support for Donald Trump as he does better in online polls than surveys done by phone. Mostly because the people who favor Trump are online all day as they are afraid to leave the nuclear proof stockpiled bunker they have built in their basements.

A study says that polls may underestimate the amount of support for Donald Trump as he does better in online polls than surveys done by phone. Mostly because one should never underestimate America’s tendency to go with the worst case scenario.

A campaign against sex robots says the idea devalues human relationships. To which supporters say that already happened with the creation of Match.com.

Leonardo DiCaprio says the scene in his movie “The Revenant” where he is attacked by a bear is like “something you shouldn’t be watching.” Which is the same phrase that reviewers have used for years only when talking about Adam Sandler films.

A report says that China has surpassed Mexico for the number of immigrants moving into California. So much for Donald Trump’s idea that building a big wall around a country is going to keep anyone out.

Steve Harvey announced the wrong winner at the Miss Universe pageant over the weekend. It was the biggest mixup crowning the wrong winner since Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia did the same thing back in the election of 2000.

Steve Harvey announced the wrong winner at the Miss Universe pageant over the weekend. What’s worse is that the runner-up lost the title and when she sues will also lose any chance of being voted Miss Congeniality.

Steve Harvey announced the wrong winner at the Miss Universe pageant over the weekend. That’s the last time they give the voting tabulation assignment to the contingency from Florida.

A Virginia man was arrested after calling 911 asking for some rolling papers. That’s what happens when you set up your phone directory and have “Zig-Zag Man” listed next to “police emergency.”

A Portugal soccer club has been ordered to pay $13 Million to an investment fund after losing a lawsuit. Which was still less than the amount of money the club has been ordered to pay over the year to board members of FIFA.

Senator Lindsey Graham has suspended his campaign for the Republican presidential nomination. Mostly because for the past three months the campaign had been moving at the speed of suspended animation.

Senator Lindsey Graham has suspended his campaign for the Republican presidential nomination, saying it was “a campaign we can be proud of.” For what, holding out longer than Bobby Jindal, Scott Walker and Rick Perry?

The FIFA ethics committee has banned former president Sepp Blatter and executive Michael Platini for eight years. People were shocked. When did FIFA get an ethics committee?

The FIFA ethics committee has banned former president Sepp Blatter and executive Michael Platini for eight years. To which Pete Rose is saying “Boy, did I pick the wrong sport to cheat in!”

President Obama says that Donald Trump is exploiting blue collar fears in his campaign. Which is a waste of time as most the blue collar workers’ fears of falling wages and jobs being sent overseas already happened years ago.

A study says that indoor pot growing accounts for one percent of all the electricity use in the U.S. Not just for hydroponic lights but for the use of the microwave ovens for heating the workers’ pizza, popcorn and hot pockets after they test the crops.

A study says the more a company’s CFO plays golf, the more errors are likely on financial reports. Especially when the CFO is the type of person who only plays golf using a pencil that comes with an eraser.

A report calculates that if Santa’s sleigh is equipped with jet engines in case of reindeer failure, he would use 45 Million gallons of fuel on Christmas Eve. Which can cause some real headaches when the reindeer, elves and Mrs. Claus demand a cut of the frequent flier miles.

A study says that larger wine glasses encourage people to drink more. And vice versa.

A study says that larger wine glasses encourage people to drink more. Which means the amount goes up proportionally from using a dessert wine glass to a champagne flute to drinking straight from a bottle in a paper bag.

A survey says that fewer people are using broadband at home and instead use their cellphones for Internet because of the cost. That and the fact that men are afraid of using the home computer and having their wife see what they are doing online.

A survey says that fewer people are using broadband at home and instead use their cellphones for Internet because of the cost. It’s a lot more cost effective for most people to do their online shopping while looking at Internet porn when they are at work.

A brain surgery patient in Spain played the saxophone while being operated on. The doctors had him play knowing that the first sign that something was going wrong would be when he started to play some Kenny G.

A brain surgery patient in Spain played the saxophone while being operated on. When asked how he was able to perform while on the operating table he said playing the sax isn’t brain surgery.

Astronauts on the International Space Station were given the movie “The Martian” for Christmas. Which is just what people stuck on an orbiting capsule want to see, a movie about an astronaut marooned in space.

Astronauts on the International Space Station were given the movie “The Martian” for Christmas. It’s about an astronaut marooned on Mars. That’s about as practical as giving passengers on a Carnival cruise ship a private screening of “Titanic.”

President Obama will appear on the Jerry Seinfeld show “Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee.” Which caused some confusion at first as the title is exactly the same as the White House code name for the Secret Service.

Donald Trump sold the Miss Universe pageant just before the latest controversial end to the contest when Steve Harvey called out the wrong winner. Coincidentally, after Trump’s ratings plummet he is hoping for the same results at the Republican National Convention.

A report says that 800 people are at work on the iPhone camera. It took that many people to make sure if they could take a selfie that included all of them in one picture that Kim Kardashian would be able to use their phones to take all her booty shots.

A new code allows websites to signal when they are being censored. Like with this blog there is no threat of my jokes ever being censored because of

An archaeologist says that King Tut’s wet nurse was also his sister. Which is good news for sociologists who are worried that bizarre behavior is a modern trend that started with the Kardashians.

The government is predicting zero job growth for electrical engineers for the next decade. Which means that anyone currently in a degree program in that field still has time to change to a related major of Slurpee Machine Maintenance and Repair.

The government is predicting zero job growth for electrical engineers for the next decade. Which is better than the forecasts for all other professions which are pretty much in negative numbers.

The government is predicting zero job growth for electrical engineers for the next decade.  There are much better prospects for several other fields, although the only catch is that anyone doing them had better learn to speak Chinese or Hindi.

A report says that businesses will spend more than $37 Billion on IT security in 2016. Which means they would save money by just letting the hackers into their systems because they won’t steal as much as what’s left in the delinquent accounts of their customers.

Hillary Clinton says she won’t apologize to Donald Trump for saying ISIS is using him as a recruiting tool. Mostly because she says even if ISIS isn’t using him, Trump is still a tool.

A poll says that Republicans desire a conservative presidential nominee. Which is bad news from the current crop of candidates who consider themselves more along the lines ranging from hate-monger to ditto head to wing nut.

Bernie Sanders has set a record with at this point of the presidential campaign with 2.3 Million donations. Unfortunately, most the donations have been made with Yuans, Rubles and Krones.

Bernie Sanders has set a record with at this point of the presidential campaign with 2.3 Million donations. The only problem is most of those donations are made with spare change, as opposed to Republicans who have one donor who gives them billions.

A report says that 6.7 Million people watched last week’s Democratic presidential debate. Which answers the question as to how many people have now cut the cord and don’t get either cable or satellite TV service.

T. Boone Pickens is calling for a bipartisan panel to screen all candidates running for President. The only problem would be getting any candidates approved, especially if the panel members have a background in mental health.

Bernie Sanders says that half of all Vermont households have guns but it’s hard to know for sure. At least until you try to walk down a street dressed in a deer costume.

Jeb Bush says the U.S. should support regime change very cautiously. Meaning if Republicans wouldn’t try so hard to change regimes in other countries, they would have better luck doing it here.

The Federal Reserve says that the minimum wage hike killed 200,000 jobs. Apparently Americans just didn’t want to pay the extra quarter the higher wages were going to add to the cost of their daily Slurpee.

The Federal Reserve says that the minimum wage hike killed 200,000 jobs The good news is there are now more job openings because of all the people who quit their minimum wage jobs because they had to take on the work of the other 200,000.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Running late today. Only three more days until Christmas so get cracking and get in all that last minute shopping so you have a few spare minutes left in your day to make sure to send the love!

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