Sunday, December 20, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The FAA has approved Terrafugia’s flying car for testing. The car could allow people to bypass traffic jams by just taking off from the freeway. In fact, “Terrafugia” is Italian for “See you at the office, suckers!”

The FAA has approved Terrafugia’s flying car for testing. Apparently the FAA is involved because the cars were designed to bypass traffic jams and allow people to get to the airport where they can then wait three hours to get through security and flight delays.

A new super condom reportedly increases the user’s pleasure as well as fighting HIV even if it breaks. Although that still means a condom failure can have other consequences, mostly getting used to being called “daddy.”

A report says that homeless people have been seen sleeping and bathing at New York’s LaGuardia Airport. Officials say it’s hard to tell if they are homeless or are just United Airlines passengers who are still waiting for their connecting flight to arrive.

A report says that people are taking more sick days from work because of stress from their smartphones. Which is even worse in that the boss can now text them all the things they need to have done by the time they get well and come back to the office.

Legal marijuana businesses are being forced to operate with cash and armed guards as it is hard to find banks that will do business with them. Mostly because the banks don’t have time for them as it is much more lucrative to spend their time laundering cash for the Colombia cocaine cartels.

Legal marijuana businesses are being forced to operate with cash and armed guards as banks are being pressured not to do business with them. Which is no big deal as the businesses can always go old school and just put their profits in a sock hidden in a VW Microbus like they did back in 1967.

A Canadian law requiring government notices to be posted in English and French is not being applied to Twitter as well. The one good thing is that there is no difference in either language to ending every tweet with “eh?”

Iran has taken delivery of 14 pieces of American art work that were bought back in 1978 but were blocked by the Revolution. The way Iranians can tell if any art is American is if the subjects still have their heads attached.

Amazon is considering leasing 20 Boeing 767 jets to control their delivery chain. The only problem will be until they can get drone delivery cleared by the FAA to be able to drop packages from a low flying jumbo jet onto their customers’ porches.

The Ukraine is defaulting on a $3 Billion bond to Russia. The worst part is that the Ukraine needed the money to make repairs from all the damage caused from the Russian invasion.

The Ukraine is defaulting on a $3 Billion bond to Russia. Political experts were surprised. Who was dumb enough to approve a loan to the Ukraine and expect to ever see any of it again?

Buffalo got their latest first snowfall since 1899. Which is significant in a city which usually considers a late first snowfall being August.

Drug overdose deaths in the U.S. reached an all time high in 2014. Which means pharmaceutical company CEO Martin Shkreli was a hero trying to save people’s lives who was only trying to stop people from taking too much medicine by raising the price by 5,000%.

Martin Shkreli announced his resignation from Turing Pharmaceuticals after being arrested for securities fraud. Which is ironic in that the man who increased the price of an HIV drug by 5,000% has now just taken exactly the same percentage of a pay cut.

Wish list apps are replacing kids’ letters to Santa. Which really isn’t an issue for anyone under 30 who is asking “What’s a letter?”

Wish list apps are replacing kids’ letters to Santa. Which is great because the same technology allows their parents to use another app to apply for a loan from their bank to pay for all the items on their kids’ wish lists.

“Star Wars” merchandise is reportedly on track to set a sales record. Mostly for all the fans who have lots of money to buy the products since it’s not like they have to put anything aside to buy a present for any girlfriends.

Saudi Arabia’s deputy crown prince has outlined a plan to reshape the economy to deal with falling oil prices. The royal family could be hit the hardest in what is being defined as a real economic sheik-up.

Saudi Arabia’s deputy crown prince has outlined a plan to reshape the economy to deal with falling oil prices. Which is a real problem in a country whose only alternative to a drop in oil profits is trying to figure out a way to increase the price of sand.

Gillette is suing the Dollar Shave Club over a patent infringement. Although the Dollar Shave Club says the court case could be a close shave but they think they might win by a whisker.

Convicts were allowed to pitch ideas to Silicon Valley venture capitalists as part of a rehabilitation program. The felons know going corporate will put them on the right track, turn their lives around and more importantly make them like the executives who have enough money to hire a legal team which will keep them from ever being convicted.

A report says that falling oil prices is raising concerns about the economy. As opposed to all the concerns about the economy when oil prices soared back in 2009.

A report says the number of children in a two parent household is at its lowest point in the past 50 years. To show how things have changed, the family considered the most normal today is the Kardashians who have step children and half siblings living in a blended household with parents who divorced right before the dad transgender.

The FDA wants to ban minors from using tanning beds. Government officials want to put warnings on all tanning beds with different levels of caution ranging from Snookie to John Boehner to George Hamilton.

A group of hospitals has been ordered to pay $28 Million by the Department of Justice for false spinal treatment claims. Advocacy groups say in going after the practices, the government really showed a lot of backbone.

A new law in France says that super thin models need to have a note from their doctor saying they are at a healthy weight. On top of that they need to prove that if they sit on the note that will keep it from blowing away.

A new law in France says that super thin models need to have a note from their doctor saying they are at a healthy weight. If they can’t get a note they can also bring a receipt from McDonald’s showing they have eaten a hamburger within the past month.

Ted Cruz aired a parody commercial in Iowa markets on last week’s “Saturday Night Live.” Or as most people call a parody commercial by Ted Cruz, an ad for his presidential campaign.

A New York man legally changed his name to Darth Vader. Although he is now in danger of being sued for identity theft by Dick Cheney.

Kris Jenner fired her security team after a male intruder walked into her home. The security team apologized saying they have no idea how their staff was not able to recognize and stop Kanye before he got inside.

Kris Jenner fired her security team after a male intruder walked into her home. The security team says it was a mistake, they thought it was just Caitlyn Jenner going back to wearing pants.

Kris Jenner fired her security team after a male intruder walked into her home. The security team apologized, saying orders to keep all strangers out of that household is no easy task.

Former NFL running back Clinton Portis has filed for bankruptcy after making more than $40 Million over his career. Court filings say he owes more than $400,000 in domestic support to four different women, which means he may just be thinking about making a move over to the NBA.

Sylvester Stallone is auctioning off more than 1,400 items from his “Rocky” films. Some of the memorabilia includes a pair of boxing gloves, a jump rope and the original marbles he stuffed in his mouth before every scene.

Apple CEO Tim Cook says the notion that his company is avoiding U.S. taxes is “total political crap.” Mostly because the money they save by not paying taxes is used to bribe members of Congress to change the tax code to keep letting them get away with it.

President Obama is calling for tech help to spot terrorist messages because no government can read every e-mail and text. In fact, they barely have time to go through all the ones just on Hillary Clinton’s private server.

President Obama is calling for tech help to spot terrorist messages because no government can read every e-mail and text. To which the NSA says it’s hard enough to document and make files of all the ones sent by women featuring naked selfies.

Santa Clara County in Silicon Valley has added enough jobs to be near record employment levels. Especially now that they have filled out the team that has been assigned to use toothbrushes to scrub Mark Zuckerberg’s street every day.

Identity theft guardian LifeLock has been fined $100 Million for making false claims. Apparently it stems from hackers breaking into the company’s system by somehow figuring out their secret corporate password of “12345.”

A report says that Facebook was the most popular app for 2015. It was followed closely by Youtube, Google and several other sites where people can leave their homes and use their mobile devices to watch cat videos.

An Omega watch that was worn on the Moon has sold for $245,000. Which will come in handy for the new owner when they take a trip and need to tell time in the Lunar Time Zone.

An Omega watch that was worn on the Moon has sold for $245,000. To which people under 30 are asking why they astronauts didn’t just tell like time like everyone else by looking at their iPhone.

An Omega watch that was worn on the Moon by astronaut Ron Evans has sold for $245,000. Although people used to get tired of asking Evans what time it was and he always looked at his watch and said it was “two asteroids past a crater.”

A new app can be used to turn a smartphone into a walkie talkie. Which means there may also soon be technology to convert their smart phone to a rotary dial and use it as a transistor radio with a black and white video screen.

Apple Pay is expected to launch in China next year. The bad news is that the Chinese reportedly want to use it to take payment on the $18 Trillion we still owe them.

A study says that underage children are getting ads for alcoholic beverages directly on their smartphones. The good news is the ads at least slow them down from texting strangers on MySpace, being bullied and looking at Internet porn.

Jeb Bush says Donald Trump is “a jerk.” Although people weren’t sure if he is mad about losing in the polls or if Trump also took his bike and stole his girlfriend.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell says the Senate has been “restored to a high purpose.” Mostly because the Republicans are now the majority and don’t have to spend all their time obstructing everything the Democrats tried to accomplish.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I have pretty much finished up all my Christmas shopping. This year I am giving everyone their very own jokes. Just log on to the blog and pick the ones you want. As many as you like! Now what could be better than that? Besides just about anything else? Hope you have all your holiday chores done as well. Especially anything that pertains to buying something for me. I am still waiting for the packages to arrive. Thank goodness we now have overnight shipping. Although just remember there is nothing faster than using the Internet to make sure to send the love!

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