Wednesday, December 02, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

NASA says it is planning a manned mission to Mars by 2040. Which is pretty much just their way of trying to secure funding for the agency for the next 25 years.

NASA says it is planning a manned mission to Mars by 2040. In an unrelated story, United Airlines says it is planning to have all their flights taking off in 2016 arrive to their destination by 2040.

A Chinese “clone factory” scientist says he is eyeing replication of humans. Is that what they really need to concentrate on in a country that already has 1.3 Billion people?

The federal government is spending $375,000 studying the dating habits of seniors. Researchers could have saved a lot of money by just ordering the $6.99 Early Bird Special at Carrows and watching all the customers.

A study says that scans show there is no such thing as male or female brains. Although most people will only believe that when women get the urge to look at online porn all day and men never forget anything their spouse has ever done wrong.

A poll says that young white people are losing faith in the American dream. Which shows we have overcome race issues in this country now that the economy has made everyone feel just as hopeless about the future.

A report says that Puerto Rico’s debt has tripled in the past 15 years to $72 Billion. Or as $72 Billion is known in Congress, “Tuesday.”

A report says that Puerto Rico’s debt has tripled in the past 15 years to $72 Billion. Which brings up the question as who has been dumb enough over the past 15 years to actually loan Puerto Rico some money and expecting to ever see it again?

A mayor in France is planning an extra volunteer police force for his town. The volunteers won’t be paid for their efforts but apparently the town will supply each of them with the necessary tools including a pair of running shoes and a white flag.

Tiger Woods says he has no idea when his back will heal enough to return to golf. His neighbors are just happy to have gotten through another Thanksgiving without him taking off down the driveway in his SUV.

A Canadian man who was caught trying to smuggle 51 turtles taped to his body has pleaded guilty. He almost got away with it but was caught by authorities following a foot chase that covered more than 10 feet in a half hour.

Heavy air pollution in China has forced schools and highways to be closed for the fifth straight day. The worst part is that the schools and highways were closed because no one could see either through all the smog.

The granola bar maker Kind Bars wants the FDA to redefine the term “healthy” to better meet current scientific and medical standards. Which is pretty easy when it comes to food. Healthy means anything that Americans have no interest in eating.

Amazon reportedly received twelve times as many Twitter mentions as Wal-Mart on Cyber Monday. Although to be fair, there was almost unanimous talk about Wal-Mart on their customers’ favored ways of communicating including T-shirt slogans, bumper stickers and CB radio.

Data says the biggest charity donations come during November. Mostly from people who donate to the local soup kitchens when they realize that is where they will be eating all their meals in December after what they spent on Black Friday.

A 1976 memo about the original “Star Wars” movie was found that was sent to assure movie studio executives it would be a hit. The memo shows the foresight of George Lucas to appeal to the previously untapped market of lonely geeks with money to burn.

Data says that U.S. manufacturing has dropped to a six year low. Although apparently it is nothing to be concerned with, just a result of the country’s three remaining factories shutting down for the holidays.

81 year old safety advocate Ralph Nader is warning of potential dangers of self-driving cars. Although everyone else is more excited about the idea that autonomous cars will take away the need for any octogenarians to ever get behind the wheel again.

Starbucks has pulled its turkey sandwiches off the shelf in its west coast stores because of an E.coli scare. Customers were relieved. Not because of the E.coli but by not eating at Starbucks they will actually have enough money left over to afford to do some Christmas shopping.

Some startups are using Facebook profiles instead of credit reports to qualify for loans. Apparently lenders figure if a person is spending all day posting pictures of their meals and cat videos, they probably don’t have a job or income to pay back a loan.

Volkswagen is challenging a UAW voting plan that could bring union representation to a factory in Tennessee. Although union officials say it is just like Volkswagen to take on an issue with yet another smokescreen.

Wall Street banks are cutting back on lending money to coal companies. Apparently  Wall Street executives are tired of supporting the industry that gives Santa Claus what he needs to punish them every year with what they get in their Christmas stockings.

A Senate report says that a company put profits ahead of patients by charging $1,000 a pill for a Hepatitis drug. Which shows the pharmaceutical companies have taken the whole idea of the “cost of living” just a little bit too literally.

A Senate report says that a company put profits ahead of patients by charging $1,000 a pill for a Hepatitis drug. You know you have just been handed a scathing rebuke when even members of Congress are calling you greedy.

Tommy Copper has agreed to pay $1.35 Million over an FTC complaint of false health claims. Apparently the feds feel the people running Tommy Copper have a lot of brass.

Treasury Secretary Jack Lew says that families need “simple, inexpensive” bank access. Which people say they will take advantage of just as soon as they can get together the minimum $5 to actually start a bank account.

A survey says the economic expectations of top U.S. CEOs has sunk to a three year low. Which no one really cares about since the expectations for most CEOs only concerns them being given whatever they want at any time.

A survey says the economic expectations of top U.S. CEOs has sunk to a three year low. The only question is why did they think things were going to get any better back in 2012?

A survey says the economic expectations of top U.S. CEOs has sunk to a three year low. Mostly because of their decisions like sending all the jobs overseas which cheapened their products and made all their profits disappear.

The House is considering requiring search warrants to access old e-mails. To which Hillary Clinton is saying “Why couldn’t they have come up with that idea two years ago?”

Costco has discovered the source of an E.coli outbreak is celery. Which means that could affect as many as three of their customers who actually bought celery.

A study says that drinking diet soft drinks can also be bad for people’s teeth. Mostly the people who eat candy bars, doughnuts and other sweets to get rid of the terrible diet soft drink after taste.

A study says that teens’ stress levels are tied to having more than 300 friends on Facebook. Mostly the fear that one of those friends may know their parents and send them some of the things they have been posting online.

Serbia wants Steven Seagal to train their special police force. The U.N. is hailing their efforts, if for no other reason it will keep him from making any more movies over the next couple of years.

Mark Zuckerberg and his wife Priscilla Chan gave birth to a daughter. The only question is where will anyone be able to see any photos and videos of the new baby?

MTV has come up with a name for the post Millennial generation, calling them “The Founders.” Which is ironic in that most the children of Millennials when hearing about it are asking “What’s MTV?”

MTV has come up with a name for the post Millennial generation, calling them “The Founders.” Which is not to be confused with the other term for Millennials who are now being referred to as “the flounderers.”

Forever 21 has debuted a limited “Star Wars” collection in their stores. Which for anyone wearing the movie themed clothes out in public will find out they will now be labeled as Forever Single.

Prince Harry says he is “much cooler” than his older brother. Although he should be a bit more careful when making fun of the person who will one day sit on the throne and be able to say “Off with his head!”

A survey says that two thirds of “Star Wars” fans say the new movie “The Force Awakens” will be the best yet. The other one third of fans couldn’t take the survey since they are already camping out in line for tickets to the December 18th opening.

A survey says that two thirds of “Star Wars” fans say the new movie “The Force Awakens” will be the best yet. The other third say it would be even better if they were able for once to go to the ticket window and say “Two, please.”

The NFL and NFLPA are investigating Ben Roethlisberger’s recent concussion. The only question is figuring out how anyone can tell that he even had one.

Mark Zuckerberg and his wife Priscilla Chan say they will give away 99% of their shares in Facebook during their lives. To which their new infant daughter is saying “They couldn’t have waited to develop a social conscience until after I get the Ferrari for my 16th birthday?”

Mark Zuckerberg and his wife Priscilla Chan say they will give away 99% of their shares in Facebook during their lives. That is, if they have anything left after paying off all the loans and expenses in another 22 years after their infant daughter graduates college.

A group is accusing Google of tracking students’ web activity without their permission. To which Google says it’s no big deal because everyone pretty much knows if they aren’t playing online video games they are either binge watching Hulu or checking out Internet porn.

The world’s first computer generated musical, “Beyond the Fence” is set to debut in London. No one even knew that computers had evolved enough like humans to appreciate music, understand the theater and become completely gay.

The world’s first computer generated musical, “Beyond the Fence” is set to debut in London. Computers wrote the score, book and everything except the final chorus of “Domo arigato Mr. Roboto.”

A study says that airlines have padded their flight schedules to improve their on-time performance stats. For instance, United Airlines now just lists their arrival and departure times by the month and year.

A satellite launch to test Einstein’s ideas of space and time has been delayed. The good news is that the scientists are now doing a study to see if the extra time needed to get the satellite into space proves whatever it was Einstein was talking about.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It is Wednesday, which for most people is referred to as “Crap, it’s not Friday yet” day. But just two more days to go for that, then two days before it’s back to work and doing all the Christmas stuff and ugh. Someone just let me know when it’s time for Spring Training to start again. In the meantime, all I ask is that you remember to take the time once in awhile to send the love!

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