Friday, December 18, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

China’s “bathroom of the future” features Wi-Fi, an ATM and vending machines. Apparently the Wi-Fi is for people who need more than just a toilet to make a download.

China’s “bathroom of the future” features Wi-Fi, an ATM and vending machines. Although if they would stop using vending machines so often, they might not need to be in the bathroom so much in the first place.

Experts say that anger in the workplace can be beneficial. Which is just one more reason that Donald Trump’s supporters have to want to put him in the White House.

France’s railways are testing software that can track suspicious behavior in the stations. Which in France means someone who is walking around with a smile on their face while acting courteously towards others.

Security issues have prompted Disney World, Universal Studios and SeaWorld in Florida to use metal detectors at their park entrances. Not for people coming in, but to make sure they have gotten every last coin from anyone leaving the parks.

Security issues have prompted Disney World, Universal Studios and SeaWorld in Florida to use metal detectors at their park entrances. The tough part is explaining to children that when Tinker Bell pulls them out of line she has traded in her magic wand for one that beeps when it detects a weapon.

A gamer in Texas was hit by a car that crashed into his apartment while he was playing video games. People were surprised by the news. There is a gamer who has moved out of his parents’ basement?

A gamer in Texas was hit by a car that crashed into his apartment while he was playing video games. Which was a coincidence in that both the gamer and the driver were playing their own versions of “Grand Theft Auto.”

Albania has banned people with a criminal past from holding public office. Which is different from the U.S. where people see holding office as their way towards a criminal future.

Booking trips to Cuba is about to get easier for Americans as round trip flights starting under a new agreement. Which will be even easier for Cubans who will finally be able to come to the mainland on transportation that doesn’t involve three days of paddling.

Martin Shkreli, the pharmaceutical CEO who raised the price of an AIDS drug by 5,000% has been arrested for securities fraud in a Ponzi scheme. Which is otherwise known to most people as running a pharmaceutical company.

Martin Shkreli, the pharmaceutical CEO who raised the price of an AIDS drug by 5,000% has been arrested for securities fraud in a Ponzi scheme. He is facing up to 20 years in prison but people are hoping prosecutors might up that by about 5,000%.

The mayor of Birmingham, Alabama and a city councilman hugged each other after a fight that sent both men to the hospital. The mayor says they are going to “start acting like family.” To which most people say that a brawl sending two people to the hospital right around Christmas is the very definition of being family in Alabama.

The Air Force says there will be working laser weapons on jet fighters by 2020. Apparently the new military strategy is not to shoot the enemy but instead distract them with the green light from a laser pointer.

Russian President Vladimir Putin called Donald Trump “bright and talented.” Which is good for Trump because hanging out with Putin is the best way for anyone to try to look like a diplomat by comparison.

PayPal has increased its parental leave time to eight weeks for employees. Mostly because no one like PayPal knows how much time new parents spend on their former partner eBay buying useless crap for their kids.

Several movie theater chains are under investigation by the Justice Department for antitrust violations. Which doesn’t even include charges of fraud for movie theaters trying to pass off Adam Sandler films as entertainment.

A U.S. Attorney says pharmaceutical CEO Martin Shkreli used his companies as his “personal piggy bank.” Apparently the attorney doesn’t realize that CEO stands for “Cash at Every Opportunity.”

Researchers say the subject of the movie “Concussion” may have exaggerated his role in identifying and naming the brain condition CTE. Apparently the doctor’s defense is that his memory got a little fuzzy after he suffered a couple of hits to the head.

Ford is piloting a ride hailing service it says could one day compete with Uber. Apparently its for people who need a ride because their Ford is in the shop after being recalled again.

General Mills profits went up after the cereal maker cut costs. The only question is how much can they cut costs when all they do already is pay for cardboard boxes to load with grain, filler and sugar.

Danish researchers used an MRI to try to locate the Christmas Spirit in the human brain. While that didn’t work, they were able to use the MRI on health insurance company executives to locate Scrooge, the Grinch and Old Man Potter.

A report says that a change in the water source has exposed children in Flint, Michigan to unhealthy doses of lead. Officials say that drinking the water could be as harmful for people’s health as living in Flint, Michigan.

A report says that a change in the water source has exposed children in Flint, Michigan to unhealthy doses of lead. It’s become so bad that the water is now an even greater source of lead contamination for residents of Flint than drive-by shootings.

A study says that Type 2 Diabetes may raise the risk of dementia for women. Which is good news for the ones who have no idea who that 350 pound woman is who keeps staring back at them when they look in the mirror.

Researchers say that there are more men with mustaches working in top medical centers than women. Which could be easily reversed just by taking away the women’s tweezers, razors and waxing kits.

Researchers say that there are more men with mustaches working in top medical centers than women. Which at least answers the question as to what happened to all the men from those 1970s porn movies?

A report says that high schools are taking the advice of researchers and starting classes later to give students more time to sleep. Students are not happy as they say they were getting plenty of sleep before. Just ask the teachers in their first four classes.

A study says that Americans’ teeth are not in any better shape than those of Brits. To which people in the UK are saying a big thank you for getting the monkey off their back to all the people in Alabama, Mississippi and Georgia.

A study says that drinking coffee is tied to a lower risk of death. Or maybe it has something to do with the fact that people who can afford to go to Starbucks every day have enough cash to also afford to pay their health insurance premiums.

A study says that smoking marijuana may increase neural noise in the brain. Which are different than the usual noises pot smokers have in their heads of crunching Doritos, the bubbling of a bong and nonstop giggling.

A study says that scary movies can actually make people’s blood curdle and clot. Although still not as much as the people who realize they just shelled out $8 to go see  an Adam Sandler film.

Barbara Walters’ “Most Fascinating People of 2015” special includes Bradley Cooper whom Walters calls “screwable.” Which to Walters means that she and the network make a small fortune from the special while his appearance was for free.

Barbara Walters’ “Most Fascinating People of 2015” special includes Bradley Cooper whom Walters calls “screwable.” Which angered Clint Eastwood who says that is his line for hitting on younger dates.

President Obama tested his survival skills along with Bear Grylls in Alaska. The two made it through by melting glacier water and catching salmon but the real survival test was escaping Sarah Palin trying to hunt them down with a .30-06 from a helicopter.

President Obama tested his survival skills along with Bear Grylls in Alaska. Although it was still a lot easier for the President to survive the Alaskan wilderness with Grylls than for a black man with Grillz trying to take a late night drive through Compton.

Cheap Trick, Deep Purple, Chicago, Steve Miller and NWA are the latest inductees into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. NWA made it in because voters thought it was describing the other groups’ concerts and stood for “Nothing but White Audiences.”

A theater in Egypt canceled showing the new “Star Wars” film because the IMAX copy was corrupt. Or in “Star Wars” fans’ terminology it was taken by the Dark Side of the Force.

David Letterman says he doesn’t miss doing his show. Mostly because he can spend more time with his family, can get involved in different projects and with no more 5:00 tapings can now make it to Carrows for the Early Bird Dinner.

Charles Barkley says the Golden State Warriors would be “no match” for the 1995-96 Chicago Bulls team that won 72 games. The only matchup that could possibly be more one sided is if Barkley were to sign up for the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest.

Jason Kidd says he is upset that his Bucks players lost to the Lakers after staying out late at a strip club the night before. It’s just too bad he didn’t have the power to do something about it, say if he were actually in charge of the players by being their coach.

A security expert says that hackers will target a U.S. election next year. To which hackers are saying if the people wanted safe and accurate elections they would forget about being hacked and just exclude Florida.

A survey says that one third of Americans feel Apple would do a better job than the government at running the country, followed by American Express and Disney. Mostly because Apple overcharges like the IRS, American Express keeps us all in debt and Disney would keep things consistent by having the show run by Mickey Mouse.

Google’s self driving car chief says California’s strict proposals on autonomous cars are “misguided.” Which is ironic as there is nothing more misguided on the road than a car that has a human texting behind the wheel.

Domestic car sales are projected to set a record in 2015 with 17.4 Million new vehicles. Which are being bought to replace the approximate 17.4 Million Chryslers that people have bought in the last three years that are no longer working.

Jeb Bush says in an interview that he has learned “not to answer questions.” The most frequent after his numerous debate appearances being “Who are you?”

Jeb Bush says in an interview that he has learned “not to answer questions.” Which is a good way to pretty much make sure to kill off the rest of the interview.

Jeb Bush says in an interview that he has learned “not to answer questions.” Donald Trump learned that long ago. Instead of taking questions, he just starts talking about himself the minute he enters the room and keeps going long after everyone is gone.

Mike Huckabee has cut the salaries of his senior campaign staffers. People were surprised to hear the news. Huckabee is still a candidate?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Christmas is just a week away. I guess that would make this a good time to say I wear a Large in shirts, 32/34 pants, and prefer bags of unmarked $20s and $50s. Just in case you haven’t finished all your shopping. Although if you really want to impress me, as usual the best way is always to remember to make sure to send the love!

No comments: