Thursday, December 17, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A Houston man has been charged with stopping rush hour traffic on one of the city’s busiest freeways to propose to his girlfriend. Hopefully, he will be out of jail in time to make it to his wedding planned inside the lions’ cage at the Houston Zoo.

A Houston man has been charged with stopping rush hour traffic on one of the city’s busiest freeways to propose to his girlfriend. People thought it was the dumbest and most dangerous thing they had ever seen. Imagine saying “yes” to marrying that much of an idiot.

Pope Francis I is warning against “fraudsters” who would have people pay their way through the holy doors. He then reminded Catholics that it was almost Christmas and they need to make sure they are current with their yearly tithing.

A report says that many boss’ jobs could be taken over by robots in the next five years. Even Donald Trump could be in danger as we already have machines that can easily be programmed to say “You’re fired!”

A study says that dogs have been man’s best friend for 33,000 years. No one even knew that the cookie was invented that long ago.

A study says that dogs have been man’s best friend for 33,000 years. Although it wasn’t official until the 20th Century when the car sealed the deal by allowing people to ask canines if they want to go for a ride.

A study says that high school seniors prefer marijuana to tobacco cigarettes for the first time. Mostly so they can get high and calm down when they think of how long they are going to have to work just to pay off their college tuition loans.

Texas is reportedly looking at ways to crack down on illegal immigration. Which will be easy until they realize the people realize they can’t get a restaurant meal, their new home will be finished half done and their yards look like an overgrown jungle.

A study says that most students are now taking six years to graduate college. Mostly the students who are putting off finishing to give it a chance to where there might actually be some jobs available when they are through.

A study says that most students are now taking six years to graduate college. What is worse is the only ones graduating earlier are the athletes who know that the faucet is shut off once they are done with their four years of eligibility.

U.N. Secretary General Ban Ki-moon is calling for a global solution to the flow of migrants and refugees. To which Republicans are saying they already have a plan which means they should pretty much give up on trying to get into the U.S.

A Saudi man’s family is calling for a divorce after his wife kissed a camel. What’s even worse is that she walked a mile to do it.

A Saudi man’s family is calling for a divorce after his wife kissed a camel. Fortunately, they were able to intervene before there was any humping.

A Saudi man’s family is calling for a divorce after his wife kissed a camel. Apparently she asked the camel to go out for a drink but it declined, saying it just had one three weeks ago.

The Federal Reserve has raised interest rates .25%, the first since 2006. The good news is that it shouldn’t have too much of an effect on people borrowing money, like students who will be paying off their tuition loans until they are 68 instead of 67.

Donald Trump has lost a battle to stop a wind farm from being built within sight of one of his Scottish golf courses. If the Scots really needed wind energy that badly they should have lobbied to build the farm near his podium at any of the presidential debates.

California is proposing to make drivers responsible for any actions of driverless cars. Which will be interesting considering if you have ever been to traffic court it is hard enough to get drivers to take responsibility for what happens with conventional cars.

A report says the items in “The 12 Days of Christmas” would cost $34,130 today. And that doesn’t even include the medical bills and work days lost from the injuries sustained while trying to get the gifts at a sale price on Black Friday.

A survey says that O’Hare International Airport is near the bottom of the list of airport satisfaction. The only reason it didn’t come in dead last is because travelers at least figure it’s better to be stuck in Chicago than Tehran, Baghdad or Newark.

A report says that TV had a record 409 scripted shows this year. Entertainment experts were surprised. Mostly because they read the list and had no idea that someone actually admitted writing a script for “Two Broke Girls.”

A report says that TV had a record 409 scripted shows this year. That even included the Republican presidential debates where each candidate memorized lines including “Blow up the terrorists,” “My opponents are idiots” and “It’s Obama’s fault.”

A government report says that new U.S. vehicles averaged a record 24.3 miles a gallon last year. The number was boosted by all the extra mileage added to Chryslers from not using their own gas when they are taken everywhere they are going behind a tow truck.

A survey says that Portland’s airport is the most popular in the nation. The reasons were efficiency, accessibility and mostly because it isn’t a hub for United Airlines.

A report says that most U.S. investors say the Fed’s interest rate hike won’t hurt them. Unless it causes stocks to fall and they lose the $5 they still have invested in the market.

Psychologists say the release of the new “Star Wars” movie will make fans happy by evoking nostalgia. Like the people who remember the first film in the series back in 1977 when they still had thoughts of actually going to one of the movies with a date.

A study says that U.S. teens smoked, drank and used drugs less in 2015. Mostly because they have changed from being addicted to substances to instead being mesmerized 20 hours a day staring into the screen of their iPhone, iPad or MacBook.

A study says that depression can affect children as young as 3. Which is good because it gives them nearly 20 years to get used to the idea of graduating college and facing decades of debt without being able to find a decent job.

A study says that shingles are being linked to an increased risk in heart attacks and strokes. Mostly because most people who get shingles are 75 and are pretty much already overdue for some kind of health crisis.

A study says that shingles are being linked to an increased risk in heart attacks and strokes. Which is bad news for anyone who has taken a construction job as a roofer.

A survey says that fewer than half of all Americans believe a flu shot will protect them. Mostly the ones who smoke, drink and are morbidly obese who consider catching the flu the least of their health concerns.

A legislator in South Carolina is proposing a bill that would require a 24 hour wait to get Viagra. The idea has upset many men who support the 2nd Amendment who say that restrictions on ED drugs is just another version of gun control.

A restaurant in China is trying to add a charge to their bills as a clean air fee. Although anyone who has ever eaten at a Chinese restaurant knows there is no worse air quality than having to sit near someone who has just finished off a plate of moo goo gai pan.

An MPAA study says that parents prefer violence to sex in movies their children see. Mostly because it’s hard for them to explain sex to their kids but when it comes to violence all they need to do is let them watch the first five minutes of the local news.

Tom Brady says that he is his family’s designated biscuit maker during the holidays. Although they wish he would start learning to use yeast so the biscuits don’t always turn out so flat.

The latest “Star Wars” movie returned to using film, using 65mm Kodak stock. Which is why it took so long to complete the picture as director J.J. Abrams spent months driving around looking for a Fotomat where he could get it developed.

The NFL says that VP of Officiating Dean Blandino will have contact with referees during playoff games. Apparently he will have access to replays of every call along with a quarter he can flip to make the final decision.

Google says it is “gravely disappointed” with California’s decision to require a human in every driverless car. It was the biggest letdown at Google since 2005 when the company was suckered into investing $1 Billion into AOL.

Google says it is “gravely disappointed” with California’s decision to require a human in every driverless car. Apparently the DMV made the demands as they are afraid that losing the need for licensed drivers will give their workers even less to do all day.

MIT researchers have developed a brain-like computer system that can identify and predict how “memorable” a photo will be. So far the computer has already learned that the way to make any photo unforgettable is to just make it a picture of Kate Upton.

Amazon is warning customers about purchasing defective hoverboards. Their advice is to throw them out right after receiving them, pretty much like they do with most of the other merchandise they buy on Amazon.

Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg says business school is not necessary or even useful for a career in tech. Apparently all anyone needs is a pair of khaki Dockers, a Polo shirt and to not mind spending 20 hours a day at the office staring at a computer screen.

A survey says that passwords have about a decade of life left in them. Which means that people needing to access their accounts will just have to remember “12345” and “password” for another ten years.

A survey says that women who play video games don’t like to be called “gamers.” Mostly because they like to limit that term to males along with the associated labels of “loser,” “loafer” and “slacker.”

China’s president is calling for countries to be allowed to set their own rules for cyberspace and govern the Internet as they see fit. Mostly as he is afraid of the Chinese becoming like Americans who get nothing done at work and home while sitting in front of a computer looking at cat videos, social media and Internet porn.

Hillary Clinton told a supporter of Donald Trump that she “doesn’t have horns.” Apparently she thought he had her confused with the way other women describe what it’s like to spend any time with her husband Bill.

Donald Trump says he would do “pretty severe stuff” to the families of terrorists. People know he means business when he says he can make people’s lives miserable. Especially the ones who have seen reruns of the original episodes of “The Apprentice.”

Donald Trump says if he is elected President he might ditch his customized 757 for Air Force One. Mostly because with his diplomatic skills, after a couple of months in office flying a plane with a large lettering “Trump” logo into another country would be about the same as painting a large bullseye on the side.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It is only eight days until Christmas. That means if you haven’t finished your shopping and you just don’t know what to get me yet, I’m an easy buy. Just a few forced laughs a day at these jokes, telling your friends about the blog and dropping an e-mail are all I ever ask for. If any of those are too difficult, a large bag of unmarked bills is a nice alternative. Just make sure when you mail it you also remember to send the love!
 

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