Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

An e-mailed threat shut down the entire Los Angeles School District on Tuesday. Authorities knew it wasn’t a prank from a student as anyone in high school or younger has no idea what an e-mail even is.

A study says that humans have evolved into “supersleepers” who get by on 7 hours of sleep a day while other primates need up to 17. It’s not that we don’t need the extra sleep, it’s that between having kids, running a household and holding two jobs to make ends meet people are lucky to get in five hours in bed.

A study says that as many as 80% of employers face prescription drug misuse by workers. People were surprised. There are that many businesses who still offer a health plan that covers prescriptions?

America’s newest warship has broken down after only 20 days at sea. No one even knew that Chrysler had even entered the ship building business.

America’s newest warship, the half billion dollar USS Milwaukee has broken down after only 20 days at sea. With the ship still being defective at that cost, the talk in Washington isn’t about the NBA when people are talking about the “Milwaukee Bucks.”

A home near Paris has become the world’s priciest after selling for $301 Million. Although L.A. may not be far behind as that is currently also the listing price for a two bedroom fixer upper in Pacoima.

A report says that lettuce is responsible for three times as many greenhouse gas emissions as bacon. Although anyone will tell you when it comes to emissions, that’s nothing if you have ever had to sit next to someone eating a plateful of beans.

AAA says that Americans traveling for the holidays could top 100 Million for the first time. Mostly just so one third of all Americans can say they will be out of town to keep their relatives who make up the other two thirds from coming by for a visit.

A report says that websites will soon be able to read the emotions of users based on how fast they are using the computer mouse. Which mostly indicates fear of the men who are trying to go as fast as possible before their wife catches them looking at porn.

China kicked off an Internet Conference this week that was also attended by Russia, Pakistan and Kazakhstan. The leaders of the countries were able to look at and compare all five websites that the countries allow their citizens to access.

China kicked off an Internet Conference this week that centered around Internet freedom. China’s policy is simple. If you want to stay free, don’t go online and say anything bad about the government.

French politician Marine Le Pen has been acquitted of inciting hatred for statements against Muslims. The only problem is that she is now facing a lawsuit from Donald Trump for stealing his campaign mission statement.

French politician Marine Le Pen has been acquitted of inciting hatred for statements against Muslims. The good news is that if Donald Trump is elected President here, the U.S. and France have a great chance of once again becoming close allies.

French politician Marine Le Pen has been acquitted of inciting hatred for statements against Muslims. Apparently the court felt her remarks were uncalled for but were actually less vulgar and rude than what the French say about everyone else.

Airline profits soared to a record $9.3 Billion in the third quarter, the highest since 2006. The airlines made such high profits in just one quarter by charging so many fees their passengers all leave the plane with just one quarter.

Airline profits soared to a record $9.3 Billion in the third quarter, the highest since 2006. The airlines say it is a result of lower fuel prices, more efficiency and cutting their customer service budgets by $9.3 Billion.

Facebook is testing out a new feature to rate businesses and restaurants. Apparently they got the idea after seeing pictures of users’ breakfasts at the Waffle House were getting 300 of their friends to hit the “like” button.

Former Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke says he never expected interest rates to stay at zero for so long. It’s not like he was in some kind of position where he should have had some idea of what the monetary supply was going to be doing in the near future.

Former Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke says he never expected interest rates to stay at zero for so long. Although his first clue should have been that since 2007, Americans’ outlook on the economy, job market and their future has been pretty much at zero.

A report says the chances of being audited by the IRS is down to less than one tenth of a percent. Mostly because of budget cutbacks, more efficiency in processing returns, and the fact that less than one tenth of a percent of Americans still have an income.

A report says that Gorilla Glass, the thin lightweight glass used in cellphones could soon be used for windshields in cars. Which would be ironic for drivers to think about while going through their windshield after running into a tree while sending a text.

Popular hair care product WEN is being sued after reportedly making some women who used it lose their hair. It turns out the product got its name after customers kept calling the company and asking WEN their hair was going to grow back.

Kohl's department store says it will stay open 170 straight hours going into Christmas Eve. Which is pretty much a lead up to the final hour at 6PM Christmas Eve when most men decide it is finally time to start thinking about doing their Christmas shopping.

Howard Stern has reportedly signed a new contract with Sirius to continue his satellite radio show another five years. It’s a gamble by the network. Why should people pay to listen to Stern for comedy when they can listen to Donald Trump all day for free?

A study says that Bob Dylan references in biomedical literature has increased exponentially since 1990. Mostly because doctors can relate to Dylan as no one can read their writing and no one can understand what he is saying.

A study says that helping others can help to reduce stress. Apparently the study didn’t include anyone who has ever been a personal assistant to Naomi Campbell.

A study says that political losers live longer than winners. Except for the people who make the mistake of trying to run for any office against Vladimir Putin.

A study says that half of all American children either misperceive or reject their parents’ political views. Mostly because they are either in the faze where they don’t listen to a thing their parents say or have moved on to total rebellion.

A study says that half of all American children either misperceive or reject their parents’ political views. The other half are just too embarrassed to admit their parents are supporting Donald Trump, Ben Carson or Ted Cruz.

Leonardo DiCaprio is reportedly an adrenaline junkie who says he has cheated death three times. And that doesn’t even include the life of his career surviving through “Critters 3.”

The owner of a $100 Bill signed by Johnny Manziel says he has had offers to buy it for more than $1,000. The way Manziel has been playing, a paper worth $1,000 with his signature on it may soon be known as his next contract.

Pete Rose says that he is disappointed about his baseball ban being upheld as he he believes he could be back in baseball. Which at age 74 is probably true, especially if he wants to sign on as a designated hitter for the Oakland A’s.

Senator Mitch McConnell says the Washington Nats need to unload relief pitcher Jonathan Papelbon. Which is probably not a threat to Papelbon coming from someone who has spent the past five years trying unsuccessfully to get rid of Obamacare.

Ford says it plans to start testing driverless cars in California next year. The company knows it will be a big selling point when people know their cars will be able to drive themselves back to the dealership every time there is a new recall.

Hillary Clinton is asking tech companies to help thwart ISIS online. To which the companies are saying Clinton should come up with a plan since she is the one who has been able to keep her e-mails hidden from investigators for the past five years.

Hillary Clinton is asking tech companies to help thwart ISIS online. The question is how are they going to stop ISIS when they can’t even keep their customers from being constantly bothered with constant e-mails from Nigerian princes?

The Fairmont Hotel in San Jose is offering a three day stay with Super Bowl tickets for $150,000. Which is a bargain for people who were trying decide between that and a similar offer from the Waldorf Astoria in New York which includes tickets to a Yankees game along with a hot dog and beer.

The Fairmont Hotel in San Jose is offering a three day stay with Super Bowl tickets for $150,000. Which isn’t a bad deal for anyone in San Jose who knows $150,000 as the monthly mortgage on a three bedroom two bedroom fixer upper.

Facebook is testing changes to its policy requiring users to sign on with their real name. Mostly for people who are too embarrassed to put their own name alongside all the meals they are posting online that show everyone how much they are eating.

A poll says that nearly half of all Americans play video games. The other half are parents who are working two jobs to try to make ends meet and pay for all the food their kids eat while sitting around playing video games all day.

A poll says that nearly half of all Americans play video games. The other half are using their electronic devices for more important tasks, like posting cat videos to Facebook, sending out mindless tweets and scrolling through all the dating apps they belong to.

Apps are available that block pages that could reveal spoilers for the new “Star Wars” movie. Although for most fans the ending is no secret. When the film is over they will leave the theater by themselves and go back to their room in their parents’ basement.

Researchers say that people who quit Facebook are less likely to go back if they are able to stay in a good mood. So far the best way found to stay in a good mood is to realize they are not wasting 15 hours out of their day liking friends’ pictures of what they ate for breakfast and watching cat videos.

Scientists have created a substance they say is harder and brighter than diamonds. To which men are saying who cares about brightness, they are only interested if it works better to make things hard than Viagra.

Donald Trump says he is open to closing down part of the Internet to fight ISIS. Which most experts say would be the part of the Internet that carries Trump’s anti-Muslim quotes that make ISIS want to attack us.

Jeb Bush called Donald Trump the “chaos candidate.” To which his brother George W. Bush says is a serious charge since KAOS was such a threat to the country until Maxwell Smart and CONTROL wiped them out back in the late 1960s.

A poll says that Americans name terrorism as the #1 problem in the U.S. Although a close second is constantly having their prime time TV interrupted by all the Republican candidates debating their strategies to win the war against terrorism.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Only nine days until Christmas. Which means ten days until people have to go stand in line for three hours at the department stores taking back all the worthless presents their relatives bought them. If it sounds like I am some kind of Scrooge at Christmas, then all I have to say about that is Bah, Humbug! I just don’t like all the time spent on making people happy when I could use it to write more jokes to make them groan in agony instead. All you have to do to lift me out of my mood though is to just remember once in awhile to take the time to send the love!

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