Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

NASA has started its astronaut application process which includes recruiting for a possible trip to Mars. They are advertising for someone who doesn’t mind living in complete desolation with no signs of civilization but has already been to Utah.

Bottles of fresh air from Canada are hot sellers in China. The air is so polluted that the Chinese have no idea what fresh air actually smells like, and they are about to find out it is a mixture of bacon and maple syrup.

An Australian couple is planning to be married while waiting for the opening of the new “Star Wars” movie on Friday. Although some of the other people in line are suspicious of how sincere they are. How many other “Star Wars” fans even show up with a date?

An Australian couple is planning to be married while waiting for the opening of the new “Star Wars” movie on Friday. They are so into the movie that their honeymoon will consist of the bride applying the Force to the groom’s Wookiee.

A report says that Artificial Intelligence doctors are on the horizon. Mostly for any husbands whose wives have caught them using a virtual reality headset to watch porn.

A report says that global supermarkets are selling shrimp that has been peeled using slave labor. To which most people are dismissing, as the only reason they would have a slave is if they wanted to have someone peel them a grape.

A Tinder robot has been designed to help people find true love by measuring the sweat on their hands. Which is at its peak right around the time any man using Tinder thinks he is about to be caught by his wife.

A Tinder robot has been designed to help people find true love by measuring the sweat on their hands. Although the toughest part is for the robot to get dates for members whose profile lists one of their attributes as sweaty hands.

A report says that Donald Trump’s medical records show he has extraordinary physical strength and stamina. Who else could stand in front of a crowd for three straight hours telling them how great he is?

A report says that Donald Trump’s medical records show will be the “healthiest president ever.” No one cares about that. The only medical report they want to see is the one where he has been checked out by an entire team of psychiatrists.

Some legal scholars say that Donald Trump’s proposal to ban Muslims from entering the country could be constitutional. If that turns out to be right, Trump will try to stretch his lead over Ted Cruz by proposing a ban on any Cuban-Americans born in Canada.

The Transportation Department says that airlines’ on time results are the best in two decades. Mostly because many of United Airlines flights that originated back in 1995 have finally made it to their destination.

A Texas plumber is suing a car dealership after his trade in ended up on the front lines in Syria with his company logo still visible. Apparently Syrian terrorists want their enemies to know not only will they be subjected to suicide bombings and random assaults, but that they will also be charged triple overtime on holiday weekends.

Some legal scholars say that Donald Trump’s proposal to ban Muslims from entering the country could be constitutional. Which may be a good thing for the ones who don’t want to be strip searched at airports, be spied on without a warrant and have the CIA come over to their home three days a week for waterboarding.

Dating site Tinder is allowing users to identify themselves as organ donors. Which may be confusing for men who think the whole point of using a dating site is sharing their organ.

The director of the new “Star Wars” film J.J. Abrams says he is nervous about the movie’s opening. Mostly because he is scared that some fans may think that the “J.J.” stands for Jar Jar.

The U.S. is working on a plan to scrutinize social media for visa reviews. Apparently they will be looking for anyone who has friends that have been posting pictures of what they ate for breakfast on the day of their suicide bombing.

Some rare “Star Wars” memorabilia was sold at auction for $500,000. Apparently the whole collection was bought by a fan who used all the money he saved by not having to spend a dime on going out on dates since the first film premiered in 1977.

Some rare “Star Wars” memorabilia was sold at auction for $500,000. Hollywood experts were surprised. They thought Mark Hamill would fetch at least $650,000.

Howard Stern’s show on Sirius could be has last on satellite radio. Fans can’t believe he may be thinking of retiring. When they heard the news they said “Are you Sirius?”

Sheraton Hotels want customers to tweet about their flight delays on their Twitter account so they can be eligible to win prizes. Mostly so the hotel knows if they are stuck on a layover in Des Moines they can sell the room they reserved to someone else.

A company is turning roadkill into fur fashions. Although that is nothing new. Donald Trump has been able to build a real estate empire, establish a TV career and make a run at President with the roadkill he wears on his head.

A company is turning roadkill into fur fashions. Which is fine with Taco Bell as they say the fur is the one part of roadkill they haven’t found a dish to make out of yet.

Will Smith says he may run for President. Apparently he feels he is as qualified as any of the other candidates after starring in a film called “Concussion.”

Will Smith says he may run for President. He already has a campaign slogan to vote for the “Fresh President of Bel-Air.”

Depressed people in South Korea are made to sit inside coffins and act out their own final services. Although they find out what depression really is when they get the bill from the funeral home.

Depressed people in South Korea are made to sit inside coffins and act out their own funeral. Although the best way to cure depression for someone in South Korea is to tell them it could be worse. They could be living in North Korea.

A University of New Hampshire scientist says he has developed a new coffee that has the same heart benefits of red wine. Which may be a hard sell to try convince people they can use the product to enjoy the same healthy lifestyle as the skid row winos.

A study says that primary care doctors are the leading opioid prescribers. Mostly to give to their patients to keep from realizing they have spent the past four hours in the waiting room.

The University of California is being pressured to start counting computer science towards high school math requirements. Which is good news for all the kids who can’t solve an Algebra equation to save their life but can send out 300 texts in an hour.

Former Treasury Secretary Larry Summers says we may be facing a world of high volatility, excessive leverage and frequent accidents. People were saddened at the news. They were surprised to hear the former Harvard professor, World Bank economist and cabinet member has been in a coma since 2007.

Donald Trump’s name may be removed from a development in Dubai because of his stand against allowing Muslims into the U.S. They couldn’t do that here because Trump would argue taking down his name equates to cruel and unusual punishment.

A study says that too much sleep and sitting is as bad as smoking and drinking. Especially when people sit in their recliner to smoke after a meal and stay in bed because they are sleeping off a hangover.

A study says that single adults tend to have a healthier Body Mass Index than those who are married or living with someone. Mostly because single people tend to not eat as much, especially when they share their meals with all 12 of their cats.

A study says that single adults tend to have a healthier Body Mass Index than those who are married or living with someone. Especially the people in a relationship who have a higher BMI after finding out where their partner is stashing all their chocolate.

Bill Cosby is suing seven of his accusers for defamation for claiming he drugged and raped them. Cosby is saying they can’t be telling the truth about remembering their assaults because he gave them enough Quaaludes to knock out an elephant.

Movie theaters are using apps that allow people to bypass lines to get snacks and soft drinks before movies. Now all they need to do is make an app that allows people who sit in movie theaters all day eating snacks to bypass the lines when they need a bypass.

A report says that “Star Wars” fans are worried about movie spoilers coming out before they see the film. The question is will that really make a difference for people who still watch three showings of the original “Star Wars” movie every Saturday night?

CBS says it is canceling the sitcom “Mike & Molly” after six seasons. Which is sad news for TV manufacturers who claim half the big screen sales in the past five years were for people who needed them to watch the show.

CBS says it is canceling the sitcom “Mike & Molly” after six seasons. The network decided it couldn’t afford the show when the stars said being paid union scale meant their salaries would be based on their weight.

CBS says it is canceling the sitcom “Mike & Molly” after six seasons. The good news is that all the stars have already been signed on as contestants for the next season of “The Biggest Loser.”

A Missouri state representative is proposing a law saying that college athletes should lose their scholarships if they refuse to play for political reasons. Imagine not showing up to do what you are being paid for because of outside interests. Who do they think they are, politicians?

Major League Baseball Commissioner Rob Manfred has ruled that Pete Rose will still continue his lifetime ban from baseball because of gambling. Rose was disappointed in the decision. Mostly because he had $10,000 down at 7 to 1 he would be reinstated.

Major League Baseball Commissioner Rob Manfred has ruled that Pete Rose will still continue his lifetime ban from baseball because of gambling. Although he has been at least chosen along with Moe Howard, Billy Ray Cyrus and Donald Trump as inaugural inductees into the Bad Haircuts Hall of Fame.

Seattle has become the first city to allow Uber drivers to unionize. Which is no big deal that they will now get union coffee breaks in a city where half their fares are taking people to Starbucks.

Apple’s recent stock fall has dropped the company market value by $123 Billion since April. Which is only fair. Why should investors be immune from overpaying for everything like their customers?

A former Google VP says that machines will be emotionally intelligent by next year. Which means that robots will be able to empathize with people when they inform them they are taking over their job.

The Attorney General of New York wants residents to test their Internet speed to make sure they are getting what they are paying for. The survey will have to wait at least three years until people with AOL actually are able to connect on the Internet long enough to even get the message.

Italian archaeologists have discovered an ancient Roman shipwreck that was carrying thousands of jars of ketchup. Apparently the ship sank because the crew didn’t pass its mustard drill.

Elon Musk says that World War III could ruin any plans to go to Mars. Which is ironic in that most people feel the whole idea of going to Mars in the first place is to have a place to live after World War III blows up the Earth.

A study says that Americans view gun violence as a permanent part of life. Especially after the Republican Party is trying to decide between Donald Trump, Ted Cruz and Ben Carson which pretty makes it a part of their official platform.

A study says that being a head of state can shorten a person’s life span. Although you would think that politicians would live longer lives since they never stop running.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I personally think it is sad that Pete Rose is still being banned from baseball. I can’t understand why MLB comes down so hard on a guy who obviously has a gambling problem but they have no problem with domestic violence, drugs, steroids, and a lot of people in the game who are just general douche bags. Michael Jordan in basketball and Phil Mickelson and John Daly in golf continue to be very popular stars in their sports when they have all been caught losing millions of dollars gambling. Mostly on John Daly keeping his weight off. But seriously, Rose belongs in the Hall of Fame as one of the best players to ever walk onto the diamond. He’s not nice. He’s not likable. He’s not very smart. But he did get 4,256 hits in his career and that is the only one of the above that is included in the criteria to get elected. That is a lot of hits. I write about 12,000 jokes a year and I’m lucky if more than seven are considered a hit. But then I am not trying to get in the Hall of Fame. I’m just hoping you all take some time to make sure and remember to send the love!

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