Sunday, December 13, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

An air traffic controller in New York who was caught with guns and drugs told police he smoked meth to stay awake. Which explains a lot about the airlines’ performance standards knowing that half the people guiding the planes are taking naps while the ones alert enough to be at the controls are up because they are smoking crank.

An analysis says that Donald Trump is getting 25 times more news coverage than the rest of the GOP field combined. Mostly because every time he speaks he is 25 times as likely to say something completely insane.

A Facebook user in Thailand is facing 32 years in prison for “liking” a doctored photo of the king. Remember when the worst thing that could happen to you on Facebook was getting unfriended?

Negotiators have completed the final draft of the climate pact in Paris. With a new agreement to slow down global warming set for adoption, the only thing that will be heating up now will be the area right under Republican collars.

Street artist Banksy has drawn attention to the immigrants’ plight with a mural pointing out that Steve Jobs was the son of Syrian immigrants. Although that might not change the attitude of some people who remember Steve Jobs as being the person who created the devices that took away people’s money, social skills and attention span.

Donald Trump is in a Twitter feud with a Saudi prince whom he called “dopey.” Which is good news for all the people who missed the days of going to the pump and paying $4 a gallon for gasoline.

Donald Trump is in a Twitter feud with a Saudi prince whom he called “dopey.” Which will be good for people who want to see a military buildup as we will need it to defend ourselves from all the wars that will be started with his diplomatic skills.

Hilcorp Energy says it will be giving a bonus of $100,000 to each of its 1,381 employees. Which means the company will soon be getting resumes from the 1.7 Million people working at McDonald’s who have been spending their time fighting for just $15 an hour.

Hilcorp Energy says it will be giving a bonus of $100,000 to each of its 1,381 employees. Which will be a sad Christmas for the workers who lived through the times of $100 a barrel oil who will have to be satisfied with buying only a new Lexus instead of Mercedes Benz this year.

Hilcorp Energy says it will be giving a bonus of $100,000 to each of its 1,381 employees. Which for oil company workers, a $100,000 bonus means the company Christmas dinner this year will have to be held in a soup kitchen.

A website called “Make Me a Freshman” helps students apply for college. The first question that it asks prospective applicants is “How much you got?”

The CEO of Chipotle is vowing his restaurant will be the “safest place to eat.” Which was the claim McDonald’s made once they finally equipped all their restaurants with defibrillators.

The University of Wisconsin has affirmed the right to free speech and academic freedom amid concerns that colleges are trying to protect people from being offended. At least it’s nice for students to know something is free as opposed to the tuition loans they will be paying off until they are 67.

An 11 year old live in maid is accusing a Bangladesh star cricket player of abuse. Which shouldn’t be hard to prove as most people would consider it abuse just having an 11 year old live in maid in the first place.

An 11 year old live in maid is accusing a Bangladesh star cricket player of abuse. Apparently the cricket player got the idea of hiring a child to work for him after he signed a huge contract with Nike.

Bill Gates has released his list of best books he has read this year. Which mostly just included his bank book, stock portfolio and personal wealth statements.

Bill Gates has released his list of best books he has read this year. Ironically the one book that shows up on most people’s worst book of the year is the owner’s manual for using Windows 10.

A move is underway to bring “smart guns” to the U.S. Which won’t make much of a difference for anything as long as we still have dumb shooters using them.

A report says that discrimination by Airbnb hosts is widespread. Minorities are saying if they want to be turned down for a room and be treated rudely by the staff they would just go to a Super 8 Motel like everyone else.

A Virginia man had his wallet returned after it was stolen 6 years ago. Which is a nice ending to read about, especially for the people who got nothing back after having their home, investments and personal wealth stolen by all the banks just 8 years ago.

A report says Americans’ average daily spending is holding steady at $92. The only problem is for the majority of Americans who are taking home about $53 a day.

A report says Americans’ average daily spending is holding steady at $92. That works out to just over $30 a day for breakfast at McDonald’s, lunch at Taco Bell and dinner at Pizza Hut.

A study says that stress is linked to mental decline that could lead to Alzheimer’s Disease. Well, that should make those people feel a lot more relaxed.

A study says that stress is linked to mental decline that could lead to Alzheimer’s Disease. The good news is at that point they will have forgotten what it was that made them stressed out in the first place.

A study says the Mediterranean diet may be the key to help people live longer, mostly eating vegetables, fruits and nuts. The trick for most Americans is finding the right combination that sound good on a large Papa John’s Pizza.

A study says cheerleaders are less likely to be injured than other athletes. Especially the blond ones who have learned to fall mainly on their head.

A study says cheerleaders are less likely to be injured than other athletes. Especially the ones who work for the Raiders who have usually about three or four occasions during the entire season where they actually have something to cheer about.

A report says the U.S. pregnancy rate is at a record low. Which means Kevin Federline must have finally gotten a vasectomy.

A report says the U.S. pregnancy rate is at a record low. Mostly because with the economy so bad, men have no chance of any romance with a woman they have just taken out to a dinner date at McDonald’s.

A study says that college wrestling is the sport with the highest risk of injury. Especially for the wrestlers who want to go professional but just never learn how to properly take a folding chair to the back of the head.

A study says that how people rate their own health can predict their risk of getting a cold. Although not as well as the men who know their wife is going to deadbolt the door when they try to sneak in at 3:00 in the morning.

A study says that how people rate their own health can predict their risk of getting a cold. Which is nearly the same as people predicting they will get an STD after arranging a date with Paris Hilton.

A study says that people who swear a lot are not the lazy and uneducated people they are made out to be. Which is finally some good news for the people who have been trying to work on restoring the image of Mel Gibson.

A study says that some drinking of alcohol may help early Alzheimer’s patients. Especially as long as they can still remember the names Johnny Walker, Tom Collins and Harvey Wallbanger.

Google can help researchers track down the worst cases STD cases. Mostly the people whose history of searches always end up at Match.com.

A report says that drug overdoses in the U.S. have surged 7% in the past year. Which is good news in that it means the economy has improved enough to where people can actually afford to buy some prescription drugs again.

Taylor Swift is trying to copyright “1989,” the title of her recent album. In a related story, John McCain is trying to copyright the year of his first election to the Senate, “1902.”

Taylor Swift is trying to copyright “1989,” the title of her recent album. Which most people say she can have since you can’t have 1989 without parachute pants, mullets and Milli Vanilli.

81 year old Willard Scott has announced he will be retiring from the “Today” show. People were surprised. He’s younger than all those Smuckers centenarians he wishes a happy birthday?

The PGA says it may drop tournaments from being hosted at the Donald Trump owned Doral golf course. It would have been done sooner but no one knew it was owned by Trump since it’s his only property without huge signs saying “Trump” all over the place.

The Philadelphia 76ers have extended the contract of coach Brett Brown. The team is 1-23 this year and 38-150 with Brown at the helm. Which means one thing. He knows who team owner Josh Harris has killed and where the bodies are buried.

The Philadelphia 76ers have extended the contract of coach Brett Brown. Mostly because if he wins another ten games all season he will have to be considered for Coach of the Year.

An organic pot farmer in Colorado says the marijuana industry will spawn five new professions for the economy. Those jobs are breeding, testing, quality control and he forgets the other two.

Ford says it will add 13 Electric Vehicles to its lineup over the next five years. The only problem for the engineers so far is coming up with an electric cord that can cover the whole 300 mile range.

Ford says it will add 13 Electric Vehicles to its lineup over the next five years. Not 13 different models. They mean 13 total vehicles which is about all they even have a chance of trying to sell.

A California winemaker has been arrested for selling unregistered weapons along with illegal rum and whiskey. The good news is that people want to buy any wine he made that would make him drunk enough to think he could get away with it.

A California winemaker has been arrested for selling unregistered weapons along with illegal rum and whiskey. If he is convicted, the judge is expected to tell him “You will make no wine until you serve your 20 years time.”

An insurance company in the UK is offering policies to cover any damage from cyber bullying. Although some people are suspicious of the deal as it appears the insurance company is licensed to several Nigerian princes.

An insurance company in the UK is offering policies to cover any damage from cyber bullying. The bad part is that the company says anyone not buying a policy will be locked out of their computer and their files will be destroyed unless they pay them what they want in cash.

Ted Cruz says he wants to make the minimum wage for all H-1B immigrant workers $110,000. Which is pretty generous coming from someone who won’t even think of getting involved with domestic fast food workers wanting to be paid $15 an hour.

Donald Trump is accusing Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts of upholding Obamacare “so he could be popular in the Beltway.” Which is an interesting statement considering that supporting Obamacare is more hazardous for a politician’s career at this point than the minimum wage, immigration reform or gun control.

Donald Trump says that EPA water regulations are keeping him from washing his hair properly. Apparently he is still mad about being turned down on his attempt to load up New York City’s water supply with Orange Dye #5.

A poll says that Americans see themselves as patriotic, honest and lazy. They also say they love their country, but it has been getting a lot worse and they would do something about it but don’t feel like getting off the couch to vote.

Security experts say that focusing on air travel leaves trains vulnerable to attack. Except for the fact that even the most radical suicidal terrorists don’t have the guts to actually attempt to travel anywhere on Amtrak.

After a flood of public input about which woman to put on the $10 Bill, Treasury Secretary Jack Lew says he is delaying his final decision. Which at least shot down the old stereotype that it’s women who have trouble making up their minds.

After a flood of public input about which woman to put on the $10 Bill, Treasury Secretary Jack Lew says he is delaying his final decision. The biggest problem is that he is worried that whomever they choose will be upset if being put on that denomination of currency makes their butt look big.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It is less than two weeks until Christmas. Less than three weeks until the end of the year. But still plenty of time for any of you who still haven’t taken the time lately to remember to make sure to send the love!

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