Friday, December 11, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A poll says that Millennials value integrity over experience when voting. Which explains why Donald Trump’s bluntness has made him so popular. He hasn’t been in politics long enough to learn how to lie about everything.

In a Billboard Magazine interview, Nicki Minaj says she is not convinced Hillary Clinton should be President. People were surprised. They were taken back by the fact that Nicki Minaj knew anything about politics.

In a Billboard Magazine interview, Nicki Minaj says she is not convinced Hillary Clinton should be President. People were just glad that she and Justin Bieber are not citizens and can’t be a part of the vote.

A study says the middle class is no longer the majority in the U.S. Which is good news that the people in the middle class are moving downward in that at least misery loves company.

A study says the middle class is no longer the majority in the U.S. Which is great for the lower class in that instead of them having to be upwardly mobile, the wealthier people are coming back down to them.

A poll says that half of 18-29 year olds feel the “American Dream” is dead. The other half are good with their own version of the American Dream where they live for free in their parents’ basement while playing video games and eating snacks all day.

A poll says that half of 18-29 year olds feel the “American Dream” is dead. The other half found a way other than going into debt for the next 40 years paying off their college education.

Some African countries are demanding compensation from the industrialized nations for the effects of global warming. While the industrial nations are demanding compensation for all the money taken from their citizens by Nigerian princes.

Scientists say a new strain of E.coli is resistant to all antibiotics. They advise the only way to survive the bug is to build up an immunity by eating lunch or dinner at least twice a week at Taco Bell.

A New York Times editorial says that Artificial Intelligence could be the end of work as we know it. Which we should take seriously as no one knows the end of work like the people in the newspaper business.

A study says that happiness does not contribute to longevity. Which at least finally brings a little solace for fans of the Chicago Cubs.

A study says that happiness does not contribute to longevity. The good news is that being constantly miserable at least makes it seem like life takes a long time.

A study says that happiness does not contribute to longevity. Which is good news in that no one will lose any years off their lifespan after becoming depressed from reading the study.

A report says that Congress is unlikely to agree on a rescue of Puerto Rico from their debt by the end of the year. Which is no surprise since Congress can’t agree on the Sun rising in the east every day.

A report says that Congress is unlikely to agree on a rescue of Puerto Rico from their debt by the end of the year. Although a group that has racked up $18 Trillion in debt should instead of rescuing them concentrate on showing them how to get away with it.

A government report says that fewer teens are drinking and driving. Mostly because when they know when they are drunk they lose the coordination they need to keep on texting while driving.

Gun rights supporters are planning to stage a fake mass shooting in Texas. Authorities are trying to discourage them, saying if they want a real mass shooting they can usually just wait another few days.

Kim Jong-un is claiming that North Korea has the hydrogen bomb. Which isn’t really much of a threat from a country whose official military aircraft is an ultralight.

Kim Jong-un is claiming that North Korea has the hydrogen bomb. No one has the heart to tell him that it doesn’t really count as a hydrogen bomb to rig a Chrysler to be powered by a fuel cell.

Colorado tourists say that marijuana laws play a part in their vacation plans. For one thing, they know that there are no crowds at any of the state’s attractions if they wait until right around 4:20 in the afternoon.

Colorado tourists say that marijuana laws play a part in their vacation plans. Although they say it does get a little old when all the dining establishments offer only a selection of pizza, doughnuts and Pop Tarts.

The NCAA is starting to replace the term “student athletes” by just referring to them as “students.” Which would have been a lot more realistic if it were the other way around and they just called them “athletes.”

The NCAA is starting to replace the term “student athletes” by just referring to them as “students.” Which will be different from everyone else on campus not on an athletic scholarship who will now be referred to as “student debtors.”

Several airlines are banning hovercraft skateboards because of a fire hazard. Although they were already prohibited by United Airlines because of their ability to get people to their destinations faster than by booking with United.

A report says that stocks have been continually dropping for Men’s Wearhouse since they bought out Jos. A. Bank. Apparently they didn’t listen to their tailors who told them the merger just wouldn’t be a good fit.

The CEO of Chipotle says he is “deeply sorry” for the customers who have been sickened by outbreaks of E.coli and norovirus. The good news is that even with the food contamination, it’s still healthier to eat there than at McDonald’s, Pizza Hut or Taco Bell.

A report says that U.S. household wealth fell in the third quarter for the first time in four years. Which in most households has about the same effect as someone dropping the change jar.

A report says that U.S. household wealth fell in the third quarter for the first time in four years. The sad news is that the head of most U.S. households wish their wealth even totaled up to three quarters.

Scotland says it may boycott Donald Trump’s golf courses in the wake of his comments against Muslims. For a nation that is used to playing golf regularly in 40 MPH gales, they know a blowhard when they see one.

Scotland says it may boycott Donald Trump’s golf courses in the wake of his comments against Muslims. If they really wanted to punish him they should pass a law that when he visits the country, every restaurant he goes to can only serve him haggis.

A court settlement says the song “Happy Birthday To You” is going to be placed in the public domain. Which is great news for people eating at chain restaurants who will never  again have to hear the staff sing some corporate-composed ditty every time a customer has a birthday dinner.

A court settlement says the song “Happy Birthday To You” is going to be placed in the public domain. Which means that seven year olds will no longer have to sing the song in a hushed tone to keep from some lawyer slapping them with a $10,000 royalty fee.

A study says that being handsome may hurt a man’s career. Which explains why my professional life stalled out at such an early age.

A study says that being handsome may hurt a man’s career. Except in the cases of Brad Pitt, Rob Lowe and Ashton Kutcher who have pretty much turned being handsome into their career.

A study says that being handsome may hurt a man’s career. Which may finally explain how Donald Trump continues to be successful in so many fields.

A study says that 1 in 5 U.S. children has high cholesterol levels. The other four haven’t been tested yet because they are more concerned with their high blood pressure, high blood sugar and morbid obesity.

A study says that an increased alcohol tax is tied to a lower STD rate. Mostly because when men can’t afford as many drinks, their decisions at closing time aren’t made while looking at the world through their beer goggles.

A report says that fewer than half of all high schools are teaching enough sex ed courses. Apparently the problem is the money that would normally be used for the courses instead goes to the schools’ day care centers.

A report says that cigarette use by young people is down sharply. Mostly because they only like a cigarette after a big meal, like when they down an entire large pizza, dozen doughnuts and bag of chips after getting high on their legalized pot.

“Thinking Out Loud” singer Ed Sheeran is set to undergo surgery for a broken eardrum. Which apparently means he really needs to start thinking out loud a little more quietly.

Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski says he picked the University of Arizona because of their reputation for pool parties. It’s the only school that has thousands of applications for the swim team without offering even one scholarship.

Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski says he picked the University of Arizona because of their reputation for pool parties. The only problem was when he invited Tom Brady over and all he ever did was let the air out of all the beach balls.

The Philadelphia 76ers are denying a report that owner Josh Harris is looking to sell the team and buy into the NFL. Which with a 1-22 record, the 76ers could make for a pretty much straight across trade with the Cleveland Browns.

A hockey match between the Washington Capitals and Florida Panthers was delayed because the mandatory paramedics team was busy on a call. At least one thing that will never cause a delay in the NHL is requiring the games to have an on call dentist.

An unidentified former Dodger says Yasiel Puig is “The worst person I have ever seen in baseball.” It should be easy to figure out who said it. Just look for the person who never played against Barry Bonds, Alex Rodriguez or Jose Canseco.

Wal-Mart is planning its own smartphone payment system. The only problem is waiting for the customers’ cellphones to scrounge around looking for enough spare change to make the transaction.

A Chinese lawyer’s trial over online comments will start soon where he is accused of “ethnic hatred” and “provoking trouble.” Or as that is called in the U.S., being a supporter of Donald Trump.

An analyst says that Apple could sell up to 21 Million Apple Watches in the first year. Apparently it is a necessity for people who have an iPhone, iPad and iMac but realize they can’t use any of them while they are taking a shower.

Despite a two year warning from Microsoft that they will no longer support older versions of Internet Explorer, many customers are still reportedly using them. Mostly because it has taken more than two years for those people to use the browser and actually get an Internet connection.

A list of the ten best car engines for 2016 lists three that are electric. Mostly because anyone buying a car with an electric motor knows it isn’t offered in a car made by Ford, Chrysler or Kia.

Bangladesh has lifted a ban on Facebook after three weeks. Apparently the government realized the one thing that keeps terrorists from carrying out suicide bombings is access to 24 hour a day unlimited cat videos.

U.S. safety regulators are stepping up a probe of hoverboards over the risk of fires. Although if they have ever seen videos of skateboarders falling on their heads, backsides or hitting their crotch on a metal bannister, fires are the least of their worries.

A NASA engineer says the best way to build a Death Star is to use an already existing asteroid. Now all someone needs to do is explain to the people who work at the space agency that “Star Wars” is just a movie.

A survey says that only 35% of Americans would willingly give up the steering wheel of their car to a computer. Mostly because without having to concentrate on driving, people would run out of excuses to avoid having to talk to their spouse.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Some sad news from the world of sports. NBA great Dolph Schayes has died at age 87. I met him when I used to live in Syracuse. What many people don’t realize is that Syracuse actually had an NBA team at one time and the Nationals even won the NBA Championship with Schayes in 1955. So when the people of Syracuse are busy digging out of ten feet of snow during the winter at least they have that going for them. Schayes was one of the first successful big men to play in the league at center, although at 6’7” today he would be marginal height for a point guard. So RIP to one of the game’s greats. I’m just glad I was able to make it out of Syracuse when I did. Forecasting snow is OK except when you are doing it from October until May. Moving farther south has allowed my fingers to thaw enough to be able to send you all this great humor every day. Although sometimes I think my mind is still stuck in the freezer. But I always get a warm feeling when you take the time to remember to send the love!

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